


The Call

by mcmachine



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Childhood Friends, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Made For Each Other, high school sweethearts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-07-16 15:20:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 106,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16088804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcmachine/pseuds/mcmachine
Summary: Due to financial issues in the hospital, Mercy West is absorbed in Seattle Grace Hospital. Although it was stressful, April didn't expect any hiccups that she couldn't handle. That is, until she runs into a face that she hasn't seen in over ten years – a face that she ran away from after spending their childhoods together.





	1. Chapter 1

**_ APRIL _ **

I had always hated the first day.

Every year of school, college for the first time, medical school, every job that I had taken whether it was working at the small pharmacy in Moline on the weekends for some extra cash, meeting parents of a child I was babysitting for the first time, or upon the start of my professional career and working at the hospital, I had always hated first days. They made my stomach church with nerves no matter how prepared I was for everything facing me. It seemed like no matter how sharp I dressed or how frizz-free my hair was, I always found something about my appearance to nitpick. It's a lot easier to nitpick when I have to wear scrubs, too. Even if it's uniform, nothing about them fits well, even when they're my size.

There was a certain change that came with that kind of first that couldn't be avoided. New people, new surroundings, new expectations – either a combination of them or all of the above. All of them took more time to adjust than I would have liked, no matter how I tried to anticipate them, it seemed like there was always a set of surprise waiting on the other side of the door. There was no peephole for me to try and get a look at, they were just there, waiting to catch me off guard and trip me up. I would do everything that I could to try and predict this one, and I was lucky that I had someone on the inside to try and warn me about the happenings. I wasn't trying to depend on that too much, wanting to maintain and assert some level of independence, but right now, I needed just about every ounce of help that I could possibly get.

Light blue scrubs at new. They brought out the color in my eyes a little more than the ugly orange scrubs that I had been wearing for the past two and half years in my surgical residency at Mercy West Hospital. They don't make me look quite as dead. They don't fit any better but it seemed like there was nothing that was going to be done to counter that.

Nerves fluttered in the pit of my stomach as I stared at my appearance in the mirror for a moment, taking a deep breath. Long, red curls cascaded over my shoulder. My hair had become my signature over the years and I had been a little bit obsessive about making sure that it looked nice whether it was down and framing my face like this, or pulled back for an easy tuck into a scrub cap. Operating at this place on my first day seemed unlikely. Seattle Grace Hospital was bigger, better than Mercy West. I wasn't oblivious to that.

There was a lot to prove. Even though I had been at the top of my class in medical school at Northwestern University, my stellar grades hadn't been quite enough to get me into some of the best programs across the country. Mercy West was a good one, of course, great even. It just wasn't the best. It wasn't a top-five program like Seattle Grace. Interviewing for those positions had always been my big weakness. It was easy to depend on my grades and resume for all of the strengths that were displayed, but I just couldn't muster up the same amount of confidence when it came to talking about who I was as a person, or why I would be the best fit for a program. It was something that I had criticized myself for, well, a lot. It just fed right back into the cycle of knocking down my confidence. Today was one of those days where I was going to need it.

"You can do this," I spoke to myself. "You're a good doctor. You're good. You are the future of medicine."

As much as I don't want to have to bring my clutch for the sake of what other people might think upon seeing it, my little red notebook was tucked securely into my purse. Every phrase that was imprinted inside of it already had a permanent place in my brain. I had memorized pretty much everything in those tear-stained pages from the time that had been spent pouring over it. No one else had seen it except for myself and my boyfriend. Even that had been accidental.

The sound of a horn honking outside of my apartment caused me to jump unintentionally. Agreeing to drive together had been a bit of stressor, even though I knew that he was just trying to help make my first day at the new hospital as smooth as possible. He already worked there. When we were at separate hospitals, it hadn't been weird, the fact that he was a bit older and further into his career. There had been nothing to worry about because he had no influence over my medical and professional education other than what he might throw at me when neither one of us was at work. But now that was more of a question left up in the air.

Bending down, I quickly tied up both of my sneakers and grabbed my phone, keys, and purse. There was a text from five minutes ago that I had missed from him, letting me know that he was there. Pulling the door shut behind me and locking it, I quickly headed down the stairs to his car where he was waiting for me.

"Hi, sorry," I rushed the words out as I got into the passenger seat. "I didn't see your text."

"It's okay, I figured," he shrugged off the words, leaning over to give me a quick kiss on the lips. "I got here early. Wanted to make sure that you weren't late on your first day here."

"Thanks." I smiled, patting the hand that rested on the center console.

Nathan was a good boyfriend, by all counts. Even if he was about a decade older than I was, which didn't seem quite as important given the field that we were in, so much of our life was spent in the education phase instead of real-world experience, he was kind and always patient with me. He had asked me out the first time that we met at a medical conference and it had continued from there. He had plenty of war stories to enthrall me with – it had given me a strong interest in trauma, although he was technically the head of cardiothoracic surgery at Seattle Grace, not trauma.

Which was just one more thing that I was nervous about upon our hospitals merging together. It had been easy when we were separate. I wasn't sure what was going to change now that we were working at the same hospital. Cardio wasn't a big interest of mine which made things a little easier, I hoped. But there were still going to be rumors and assumptions if it was anything like Mercy West.

"Are you sure that it's a good idea for us to go in together?" I questioned, glancing over at him.

"Why not?" He questioned, clearly much more relaxed than I was.

"I don't want people to just… associate me with you, you know? I know that I've been over here once or twice with you but that was different because I didn't work here back then." The rambles became quickly. "I want people to know me for me and my talents. It's already going to be hard enough to catch up. I know it's more competitive here." It was also a level one trauma center, whereas Mercy West hadn't been one. Maybe I would be better suited for something else like peds if I couldn't keep up.

"You've got to stop underestimating yourself like that, Keps." Nathan glanced over at me for a moment before beginning to drive again. "You're good at what you do. Trust me, I wouldn't be interested in you if you weren't. I know that you're good. You just have to make sure that I'm not the only one who knows it."

Of course, there was also the threat of being fired.

It was unreasonable to expect that Seattle Grace would be able to accommodate every single staff member that was coming over from Mercy West. I knew that going in. People had been let go in batches before the merger had actually happened at Mercy West, at least. I didn't know if the same was true of Seattle Grace. I had made it this far, which should have been some kind of solidifying proof that I would be okay. But the nerves didn't know that yet.

"It's reasonable for me to be worried," I concluded with a sigh. "Most of my peers have already been let go and what if I'm just not prepared to keep up? I've never worked in a level one trauma center before. That's a big jump."

"A jump that you're prepared for." He insisted. "I… I do have to warn you, though. Hunt, the head of trauma… we're not great friends. I've avoided mentioning you since the merger was brought up and I'm hoping that he won't recognize you. I'm not sure if he'll separate or not but I thought that you should know ahead of time, just in case he starts acting like an ass to you."

"And you're just now telling me about this?" The pitch of my voice raised sharply.

"Hey, hey. It might be nothing. He probably won't recognize you. I just don't want you to go in blind." I groaned as he continued speaking, covering my face with my hand for a moment and shaking my head. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail quickly, hoping to minimize the appearance of it.

"I really wish you would've told me sooner, Nathan," I breathed out with a shake of my head.

"I didn't want you panicking about it for longer than necessary." Which is exactly what I would have done, but hearing that didn't change how I felt.

I sighed. "Hopefully he'll forget about it, but that means that we're going to have to be really, really subtle. Or maybe we should just act like we don't know each other at all and he won't notice. At least, not until I prove myself." If I was capable of proving myself.

"Well, some of them are going to know you by name alone." He reminded me.

"Oh boy," I uttered. "It's fine. It's fine. It's going to be fine." I repeated to myself.

"Yes, it is," Nathan confirmed.

Heart pounding away inside of my ribcage much faster than what it should have been, to my relief, Nathan does let me walk in without him. I was glad that I at least knew where to go. That was at least one advantage that I managed to have over some of the few other people who had made it this far. I wasn't looking for advantages over them, though. I just wanted to try and be on the same field as everyone else to even it out.

This hospital was bigger than the one that I was used to. It appeared much more modern, too. I had a facade of blending in for a moment with the scrubs on for this place, which was a relief. No one turned their head to look at me like I was an invader, even though at that moment, that was exactly what I was. A stranger. A virus. All of us were. How far we would get with infecting the hospital and causing any kind of change, or whether we would be gotten rid of, or faced to adapt… that was all very unclear. I just didn't want to get fired. That seemed like an easier goal to focus on.

Navigating my way to the locker room even though I was already in my scrubs for the day, t doesn't take me long to get there. Reed, the other surgical intern left in my class thus far, spotted me and quickly followed. We got along well but she was just as nervous about this merger as I was. It was hard not to be. It seemed like everyone at Seattle Grace was going to get first priority and we were just trying to squeeze into what budget had been given over – it was never enough. The budget was never enough no matter what hospital it seemed like you went to, there was always something sucking away it unfairly. I didn't want to be just another victim of it, attempting to find a job somewhere else. Losing it mid residency would be hard to make up for. I wasn't sure what I would do if I got fired.

"Can't believe we have to make a bunch of room for random new people." A male voice grumbled.

"It's fine. Most of them are probably going to get fired. If they weren't good at enough to get in here in the first place, then they're not going to be good enough to stick around. It's a waste of our time." This time it was a female voice. I sighed quietly.

"We're going to be fine." Another female speaking. "Don't worry about it."

"Still, it's annoying that we have to deal with them in the first place. Hopefully, they'll all be fired soon." The first female said.

Oh boy. This wasn't going to go well.

Taking a deep breath, I stepped into the locker room and looked around the people that were in it so far. It was three woman – a blonde, a dirty blonde, and an Asian woman – and one male. It was hard to tell which woman had said what, which one I had to really watch out for. Or maybe I just needed to watch out for all of them.

"Hi." My voice comes out higher pitched and quieter than I would have linked and I internally winched at the mousey way that I sounded. I was supposed to come off strong, not… so like me. Ugh.

The two that weren't facing me whipped around to see who I was, all four sets of eyes on me as I took a deep breath. My cheeks were burning red and I was sure that it had to be obvious even with a nice layer of tinted moisturizer on my face. _Don't panic. Don't throw up._ The mantra repeated a few times in my head. But even repeating it doesn't soothe my agitated nerves.

"I'm uh, I'm April. April Kepner. I'm one of the new surgical residents." I held out my hand and no one took it.

Cristina Yang and Alex Karev. Two names that I only get from the swirling text on the lab coats that they put on. They turn away from me and blocked me out of the little circle that they had formed and I hold back the defeated sigh that I could feel in my throat, trying dos wallow it down. I moved toward one of the empty lockers and don't give another attempting, putting my purse in there and taking off my earrings. They were a gift from Nathan. I'd called them my lucky earrings, little gold four left clovers. So much for that luck rubbing off on me.

A small bump of the elbow was given to me as Reed joined me in the empty locker next to me and I looked up at her, giving her a soft smile. She had much more confidence than me – even tinier than I was, which was saying something, but she was a spitfire. No one walked over her without a fight.

"Are they already being bitches?" Reed whispered to me. I couldn't help but give a snort.

"They're not happy we're here." That was a diplomatic way of saying yes.

"Well, it's not like we're happy to be here anyway," she replied with a pointed look, eyebrows arching up in her forehead. Happy certainly would have been overstating it. "Although lucky you, you get to sneak around with your boyfriend now without having to drive across town."

"That's not funny," I remarked.

Of course, that would be when the others decided to chime in about us.

"Oh, so you're the one dating Riggs?" Cristina seemed to take interest in that and I took a deep breath before turning around and plastering a smile on my face, nodding my head.

"Yes, I am his girlfriend," I stated simply.

"Well, you need to start doing a better job or something in bed, 'cause all of his uptight bullshit with Owen needs to stop." I nearly choked on my words at Cristina's blatant words and my eyes widened for a moment, at a loss for what to say, not even able to defend my boyfriend. Of all of the comments that I had mentally prepared myself for, that hadn't been one. Maybe because I hadn't been aware that he had such a problem with someone else working here.

Silence is the only thing that I could respond with, which earned laughter from the other group of residents. I turned away quickly with my cheeks burning, looking to Reed with wide eyes as if she might offer some guidance. Instead, she just gave me a shrug of her shoulders, like it was my fault.

Yes, dating Nathan was a conscious decision on my part. That much was obvious. But this hospital merger had been the furthest thing from what I wanted and this was just another piece of proof served up to remind me of how hard it was going to be to try and adjust to this new hospital. It had taken me nearly two years to really make friends with the other residents and now that I was halfway through, I wasn't sure if I really had time for that. Which of them were interested in trauma or peds? Who was I going to have to compete with to try and get a spot here? I had too many questions and not nearly enough answers.

Pagers begin to go off and I look at mine. There's not a message on mine but it seemed like everyone else had one on theirs. Great. Just another way that today was getting off to a great start.

Everyone ran off and I stood there for a moment, alone in the room and taking a deep breath. Overreacting wasn't necessary. I wasn't sure why I wouldn't get paged and Reed would, unless… Hunt knew about it. No. The chances of that happening were unlikely. If he and Riggs were at odd ends, then it would have been weird for him to keep up and remember his girlfriend by the last name, especially. I assumed that was how we were going to be addressed here.

Despite not being paged to it, once my purse is down and everything else is out of my way, I head down to the emergency room. Nathan had shown me where it was and at least it was one place that I didn't have to worry about getting lost on my way too. It's just as impressive as my memory told me it was, larger and much more spacious than the one at Mercy West, more trauma and triage rooms, more beds. There was a big nurse's station in the middle of it. This was the kind of place that any aspiring trauma surgeon would want to work in, not the dinky little one that Mercy West had. This was where I needed to find my new home.

"Uh, hi," I greeted one of the nurses nervously. "Which one is Dr. Hunt?"

"Him." A judgmental glance over was given my way as she pointed him out.

"Thank you." I politely kept the smile on my face.

Taking a deep breath and letting it fill my lungs, I bounced over to the other surgeon. I didn't see any of the residents following him around, which may or may not have been a good thing. He could have already assigned them to whatever was going on in the emergency room today, or maybe none of them were particularly interested in trauma surgery as I was. The latter seemed like a bit of wishful thinking.

"Hi, Dr. Hunt?" I started, trying to keep my voice firm.

"Yes?" He replied, turning back to face me. He was tall, about Nathan's age, another redhead.

"Hi!" I chirped out, just a little too high-pitched. "I'm April. Dr. April Kepner. I came with the merger over at Mercy West, a third-year surgical intern over there. I've actually been doing a lot of work in trauma over there so I thought this would be a good place for me to go ahead and get started today." The rambling is mostly kept under control, though the too hopeful smile isn't.

"Huh." Dr. Hunt's brow furrowed as he stared down at me skeptically for a moment and I attempted to keep the smile from faltering across my expression under such scrutiny. "Riggs' girlfriend, right?" Dang it.

"Yeah, uh, that's me." I chuckled awkwardly and cleared my throat before continuing. "But I don't want or expect any special treatment, I'm a resident just like everyone else and I know that. And I really like trauma. Cardiothoracic is a little overrated and flashy if you ask me, but trauma is much more gratifying at the end of the day, so I doubt I'll even spend a lot of time around him while we're here at work." There was the exact ramble that I was trying to avoid in the first place.

Hunt snorted, shaking his head at me. "That's the last thing that you're going to get around here."

What was that supposed to mean?

I don't open my mouth to ask about it and instead keep that same smile plastered painfully across my face and nod my head. I wanted to try and make the best possible impression on him even if it seemed like my chances were already in the toilet, given the painfully tense relationship that he had with Nathan. I didn't want to be in the middle of it, that was the absolute last thing that I wanted, but it already appeared that I wasn't going to have much of a choice in that particular matter. I would have to find a way to suck it up and prove that I was talented enough for him to give me a fair chance.

"Well, I'm here and I'm ready to work. Where do you want me?" I asked.

"We had some burn patients come in early. Sloan and Avery could probably use some help with them." He suggested, looking down at the tablet in his hands as he spoke instead of at me.

"Right, okay." Not exactly thrilling but I didn't want to have a bad attitude. "And uh, are they… somewhere here or in the burn unit?" I asked.

"Burn unit."

Right. I didn't know where that was, but I wasn't about to tell him that.

Giving him one more smile that almost certainly didn't reach my eyes, I turned on my heel and set off to find the burn unit as quickly as possible. Avery must have been one of the other girls who had been in the locker room, one of the blondes. Sloan I had heard about some from Nathan, he was the head of plastics. Good to make a strong impression on, but not necessarily a top priority compared to some of the other department heads in surgery.

It took a little too much focus to not squirm while waiting on the elevator to reach the right floor. Following the sighs, it doesn't take long to find it. There's a man in navy blue scrubs – either Sloan himself or an attending. Someone more important than me in my light blue scrubs.

"Dr. Sloan?" I tried, putting a sweet smile on my face.

He turned around and without any subtlety in the words, checked me out. My cheeks burned again. It seemed like this was the only situation all day where having a boyfriend who worked at the hospital might actually help.

"Hi," I said with a faltering smile. "I'm Dr. April Kepner. One of the surgical residents from Mercy West who came over here in the merger. Dr. Hunt said that you might need some help with removing debris from some of the burn victims who came in earlier today?" My eyebrows raised up hopefully.

"Ah, yeah – wait a minute, you said Kepner?" I nodded. "Nathan's girl?"

"Yep." I popped the syllable. "That's me. But I know the drill. No special treatment or anything."

"Uh-huh," he chuckled, looking me over once more and giving a shake of his head. Something about this was amusing to me. "Well, Avery's already in there working on Mr. Williams, but I'm sure that he could use an extra set of hands with Mrs. Williams. Get gowned up and get in there."

Finally!

A real, gleeful grin finally spreading on my cheeks, I quickly went to grab a gown and slid into it, pulling on a pair of gloves over it. Even if removing debris from burn patients wasn't the most enthralling task in the world, it was a lot better than doing nothing, or dealing with drunks in the emergency room. It'd be a nice test to make sure that my vision was still as sharp as I thought it was.

Sloan had disappeared somewhere and I don't ask around for where Avery or the Williams was, peeking around at a few of the rooms. I didn't see either of the women that I had seen earlier today in the locker room, which might have been for the best, even if it was a little confusing in the context of what he had said to me a few moments ago. The only other person that I see working is a man in light blue scrubs like me, hunched over a male patient and working on removing debris from his injury. Hm. Weird. I don't think too much about it as I push open the door to the room and pull it shut behind me before starting with my little intro spiel again.

"Hi there, I'm Dr. April Kepner, I–"

Suddenly, I froze.

Blinking in surprise, as the male glanced up at me when I began speaking, it was a familiar face staring back at me. My heart raced inside my chest and no amount of breathing exercises or meditative thoughts would have had the power to slow it back down at that moment. My breath was caught in my throat until my insides burned just enough to seek in a little fresh air through my nose. This was not really happening. I had to be imagining it. Or maybe it was another one of the far too creative nightmares that my brain had piled together in preparation for this day. Maybe I was dreaming. Pinching my thigh subtly, nothing about what I was staring at changed. I hadn't seen that face in… just over ten years now. That had been the last time that I had seen Jackson Avery with my own two eyes.

"Hey, berry." It had been over ten years since I had heard that nickname from anyone. He sounded almost the exact same as he had then, maybe his voice just a hair deeper. He looked different – he had buffed out and his hair was shaved short now, instead of the handsome curls that he had when he was a child and teenager. Those beautiful eyes were the exact same, staring at me with something that I couldn't recognize. That was new.

I'm sixteen years old and somehow, this was the first date with a boy that I had ever been on.

Libby had dated around when she was in high school. She had been overwhelmingly popular with everyone, smooth, luscious hair and perfectly straight teeth, two things that I desperately wished to have as naturally as she did. I had never been popular with those crowds, no matter how I wanted to be. Instead, I was one of the nerds, nose buried in a book and only approached if someone needed help with homework or essay assignments.

That meant that I pretty much had one male friend, the only person in our group who certainly didn't belong in our group. Jackson belonged in every group in the school, though. He was the captain of the football team even though he was rather lean compared to a few of the guys. He was charismatic and won just about everyone over with a little bit of effort, nowhere near the amount that I had to put in to get people to be willing to talk to me. And somehow, he was one of the nerds, too. I knew that he had medical school aspirations even though he didn't tell most people that because of the expectations that came with being an Avery. His family was famous, apparently. I knew that they had a big, rich family foundation.

Despite that, our date wasn't big and fancy like I thought he might want.

A checkered picnic blanket was spread out between us and there was a basket that I was sure he had snuck behind my back and gotten from my mom because I knew I recognized it from somewhere. Mom adored him, thought that he was perfect in every way possible. She had since we were six.

"I can't believe you brought wine! That's so naughty, Jackson." I laughed with a shake of my head.

"Well, I also brought some Coke, because I figured there was a good chance you'd refuse to drink the wine." He chuckled, pulling out two glass bottles of the soda a moment later and a bottle opener. He opened up both of them and handed one over to me.

"What else do you have in there?" I scooted closer to him, our thighs pressed against one another's.

"I brought ham and cheese sandwiches, one with way too much mayo specifically for you. Those cheeseballs that you liked, pretzels, strawberries of course, and two pieces of apple pie."

I couldn't help but smile as he listed strawberries. That was how we had met, over strawberries. It had been in Kindergarten. Apparently, strawberries were his favorite food at the time and he had taken to just steal one of mine whenever he thought that I wasn't paying any attention. Had noticed most of the time, at least, I thought I had. But I had never said a word or tried to stop him just because I wanted to be nice. After a week or two of that, I'd asked Mom to pack me an extra box of strawberries for the nice boy with curly hair. Everything after that felt like ancient history.

"Hey, Jackson." My mouth was completely dry as I stared at him. "It's uh, it has been a while."

Thank God that both of the patients in the room appeared to be momentarily asleep or unconscious.

"Yeah, it has," Jackson agreed as his head turned away from me, with his tone suddenly turning darker than before. "I believe that's your fault."


	2. Chapter 2

**_ JACKSON _ **

There was no way she knew just how crazy she made me.

I had been stealing strawberries from April since kindergarten, waiting until she turned away to snatch one from the plastic bag on her table. My mom was allergic to them and I absolutely loved them after having them at a friend's house one day – I hadn't had the same allergy. Knowing that I couldn't have them at home just made me want them all the more, of course. That had been another lifetime ago and yet, at the same time, it felt as if nothing between us had changed. I was just some silly boy with a crush on a beautiful girl.

But there was a huge difference now. Feeding her a strawberry and having her lips brush against my finger lightly, and innocently knowing her, it's enough to send a jolt of energy straight to my crotch. There's nothing I can do to act on it but god damn, if it wasn't the hottest thing, and knowing that she didn't mean a thing by it just made it even hotter.

"Are you sure you don't want any wine? It's a rose. I thought you'd like that kind of thing." It'd been the most feminine pick that I could think of. I didn't know how it actually tasted.

"Having a real bottle of Coke is exciting enough for me." April smiled. "I know you just turned eighteen, but I don't be eighteen till the end of my first year of college. It's going to be a while before I drink."

Sometimes it's hard to remember that she's a little younger than everyone else just because she had been in my grade forever. But she hadn't gotten to pre-k like the rest of us – she'd apparently been enough of a child genius to skip through all of that and join the rest of us in kindergarten. The fact that she had a late spring birthday only made her seem even younger. Despite that, she still seemed to be more mature than most of the people in our grade. We only had one year left with the rest of them before we could go out into the rest of the world and get away from here. Really, though, we didn't need any of that. The two of us, we had a little world of our own. We can talk the night away and have it become dark before either one of us realized it.

"I should drive you home," I murmured, taking her hand and brushing my thumb across the back of her knuckles.

She had always made fun of my car. Yeah, it was a lot nicer than what most high schoolers were driving. But my mom had a lot more money than most of the other people around here. She still worked in the city, a long commute that meant I was home alone frequently. I didn't mind. It gave me more time with April, or to do whatever I wanted, really. But the way that the wind blew in her hair as we drove and she laughed as it got caught in her eyes, holding her hand over the console, that just made me like my car all the more.

"I don't want to go home," April murmured as I walked her up to the porch.

"I'd take you home with me, but I know you'd never let me," I smirked down at her. Her hips bumped against mine.

"You're right." She turned in toward me, her arms wrapping around my neck.

Dipping my head down, I shut my eyes and pressed my forehead against hers for a moment. Then, I did the thing that I had been waiting to do all night – no, the thing I had been waiting to do for years. We had been friends for our entire lives and yet I'd never kissed her, no matter how long I had waited to. Taking a deep breath, I tilted my head forward and captured her lips in a kiss. Her lips were soft and warm, still briefly before inviting me in. When April kissed me back, I deepened the kiss, hands falling on her hips and pulling her closer to me. We stood there and kissed for a long time until we completely ran out of oxygen and had to stop.

There were sparks there. Thinking that just sounded like something that she would say, not something coming from me. She read a lot and I knew she liked romance novels – she'd read parts of some outlaid to me before, but I had never picked up on them in the same way that she did. Now I got it. That feeling. She may not have been the first girl I kissed, but I wanted her to be the last one.

"I love you, April Kepner." I murmured. I meant it.

"I love you too, Jackson Avery."

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

It's hard to do anything other than stare at her. She had changed. She was a little thinner now, her face more angular, perhaps changed by the fact that she was using contacts now instead of the glasses that she'd always used up the bridge of her nose. Her hair was smoother, straightened and polished instead of her natural curls. Her curls weren't like mine, of course, much easier to tame though they had a lot of frizz back then. It's undeniably her, though. She had a face that I would never be able to forget, even if I wanted to.

I could feel her eyes boring a hole through me even as I refused to look up at her again, returning my gaze down to the burn that I was working on treating at the moment. I was almost done with this one. I wished that one of the patients were awake so that it would have limited the conversation that we could have had about our past. I didn't want to talk about it. I had spent years trying to scrub her from my mind and erase the effect that she had on me. Yet all it took was one look for all of it to come flooding back again. I couldn't deal with this right now. I was in a relationship. Okay, maybe that was a stretch – Sydney and I lived together, we'd been having sex for a while. She was perky. Too perky. In the beginning, though, she had reminded me of April. I knew we weren't going anywhere but it was nice to live together. She cooked and cleaned and did laundry. It was a convenient relationship.

A deep breath was sucked through my nose. Now wasn't the time to have an outburst even if it was tempting, lingering just beneath the skin. All of the feelings that I thought I had gotten rid of over the years were still there. They had just been waiting to emerge again.

"Jackson, can we talk?" She pleaded with me, her voice so soft it nearly made me weak.

"No," I answered shortly, shaking my head.

"Jackson–" April tried to whine but I didn't hesitate to cut her off.

"I said no," I repeated firmly, relieved as I finished up the burn of the patient I was working on. I pulled off my gloves quickly and loudly, tossing them into the biohazard bin. "I'll let you deal with her." A quick nod of my head toward the other unconscious patient before I walked past her without another word.

Even when I walk away from her, I can still feel her eyes on me.

Sloan was already gone and didn't see me storm out – probably a good thing given he was the last person that I wanted to explain all of this too. He was my mentor and a friend, but no one knew about my history with April. Not the full extent of it, at least. I'd told Sydney a bit of it here and there, enough details of my past to satiate her curiosity and keep her happy. She knew that I had loved April and that she had broken my heart.

Storming to the elevator, I don't know where to go. April would probably be busy there for a little while. There were other new people, I didn't know who. I didn't want to deal with Sydney. I didn't want to deal with anyone. Taking a deep breath, I hit the button for the basement and wait for the elevator to take me all the way down. It's empty. Quiet. Some kind of peace away from everything else, a chance to catch my breath, to figure out where and how to go forward. Sitting down on an empty bench, I tilted my head back against the wall and let it rest there. I couldn't avoid work forever. But I could at least take a few minutes.

I should have brought food.

But thinking of food just made me think of her, too. Even if it wasn't the foundation of our friendship or the relationship that I had wanted, but it had been a big part of it. Until about halfway through elementary school, I hadn't realized that her family didn't have as much money as mine did. The Kepners had enough to keep the lights on and food on the table without having to worry about the basics, their farm was successful, but they didn't splurge on the same excessive or luxury items that my family did. I'd had a credit card a lot younger in life, too. We would go out to eat or go to the grocery store or somewhere and grab snacks together. I'd started paying once I realized that she didn't have the same money that I did. She'd gotten me into healthier, more organic food, just because of how she grew up.

It was hard to stop thinking about her even when it was exactly what I wanted to do. She had been such a huge part of my life for pretty much the first eighteen years and to just erase that didn't feel right. But I need to stop thinking about her. It was too easy to fall for her.

Noisy chatter began to make its way down the hallway and I recognized the voices coming toward me immediately – Meredith, Alex, Cristina, Izzie. It seemed like they were just as eager as I was to try and get away from all of the crap that was going on upstairs with having so man new workers flooded into the hospital. I doubted that they had the same worry as I did. The chances of that happened to more than just me seemed next to impossible. I sighed out through my nose. So much for getting some time alone just to think.

"I don't know what any of you are worried about. It's not like we're going to lose our jobs." Cristina stated confidently.

Of course, she would be the one overflowing with confidence.

"Easy for you to say," Alex grumbled. Yeah, he could be a pain sometimes, but he wasn't overflowing with the same amount of ridiculous and arrogant confidence that Cristina had.

"You found your way down here, too?" Izzie was the first one to recognize me already sitting on one of the empty hallway beds.

"Yeah," I answered, unwilling to give any other explanation for it.

None of them seemed to care about that, fortunately. "I'm sure one of the new residents will get fired," Meredith stated with a shrug of her shoulder as she sat down, bed squeaking beneath her. "They only want five of us here. Not six." It was hard to tell if she was pulling that out of her ass or if Derek had perhaps told her something.

"Well, you already know which one of them is getting the boot," Cristina said.

"Yeah," Alex snorted. "The one who's not sucking the head of cardio's dick." He remarked crudely.

"Huh?" I spoke up, leaning forward slightly to look at them. "One of them is banging Riggs?"

"Yeah. The redhead – I didn't catch her name, the two of them are in a relationship together. They came to work together this morning," Izzie informed with a small shrug of her shoulders, clearly more on top of all of this information than I was.

What were the chances that both of the surgical residents coming over were redheads?

"It's smart," Cristina shrugged. "I hate her, but it's smart."

"You're just mad that you didn't do it first," Meredith laughed. "But he still slept with you."

My jaw tightened and I could feel my teeth grind together hearing them talk about her like that. There was no way that they weren't talking about April but it was hard to imagine her in a relationship with someone like Riggs. I hadn't thought that Riggs was a bad guy. He was a good surgeon and a decent teacher, a little quirky here and there. I couldn't have picked flaws at him as I could have with some of the other teachers in this hospital. Still, just thinking of her being with him was enough to stir nausea in my stomach. Now, to know that he had cheated on her? With Cristina? It was all rage.

"You don't have anything to worry about." Izzie's words were optimistic without being rooted in something ruder, unlike the others. She and April could have gotten along well.

"Might be better to just get rid of the both of them," Meredith remarked.

"You don't know anything about them," I finally spoke up defensively, snapping out before I could stop myself. "So maybe we should just stop talking shit." The most I could get into it without revealing more than I wanted to. Already, it was saying too much. Especially knowing the way that they liked to get into everything more than they should have.

"Someone's defensive," Alex laughed. "What, you got a crush?"

Yeah, I can't be surprised by that. "No. You guys sound like a bunch of old Republicans, bitching about new people coming in." Maybe that would get them to shut up about it a little more effectively.

"Ouch," Izzie half-chuckled.

"I'm just saying," I shrugged. "We were all new here once and no one liked us. Pretty sure that some people still don't like some of us." I glanced at Cristina and Alex. "It wouldn't hurt to try and have an open mind about this." Maybe that wasn't something I always thought, but I had a stake in this.

Shit.

Even when I wanted to distance myself and try not to take things personally regarding her, I was still doing it. People hadn't always liked her in high school because she was a little weird and smarter than everyone else. They had made fun of her because of that and I had always been the one who had to jump to her defense every time. It had been ten years since I had done that with all of the snobs that we had gone to high school with, and here I was, doing it again as if I hadn't stopped, even when she wasn't around. Especially when she wasn't around. I glanced at the ceiling, taking a deep breath. I couldn't keep doing this.

"Yeah, well, when we were new, no one was gunning for our jobs." Meredith pointed out with a look at me.

"Uh-huh," Alex agreed with her without hesitation. "It's not the same thing." Maybe he was right.

"Maybe it wouldn't hurt to be a little nicer to them," Izzie commented. She was always the mediator of the group. I wasn't sure how she managed to have such a level head. "We could give them a chance."

"Yeah, whatever," Cristina muttered. "My job's safe. I don't care."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. All of us were good at what we did even if it was clear that Cristina was at the front of the pack. Alex or Izzie was probably at the bottom – it sounded like Alex was aware and a little insecure about it, too. Taking a deep breath, I glanced down the hallway. There was no point in being here if I wasn't going to get the time alone that I wanted. I might as well get back to work if I was going to have to deal with people.

"I gotta get back to work," I mumbled, pushing myself up from the bed.

No one said a word to try and stop me as I walked off and headed up the stairs to get back to work. I glanced down at the time of my watch. It had been enough time to excise the wound and hopefully, Sloan would have sent her on her way after that. There was no reason for him to keep her around. He was hard to open up as a teacher. I had learned that the hard way.

The emergency room was about typical in how busy it was during the day. There's enough to keep my mind off of things given that I don't have to see her anywhere. When it comes to patients, I can focus. I can treat the patient and think about nothing but their wellbeing. It makes it easier.

Surgery and love. When I had started down this career, I had wanted both. When I was younger and had been in high school, I always thought that I would have both with April. I knew that she wanted to be a doctor but after awhile in medical school, I figured that I was never going to see her again. There was plenty of medical schools and hospitals to do residencies and fellowships at, not to mention the entire world was within my scope. Now, well, it was just about surgery. Love had been buried. I'd thought maybe one day. But even I hadn't thought that I was going to see her again any time soon. The thought of it had just been cast aside.

It's enough to get me through the day without having to think too much about what things were going to be like going forward. At the moment, that was really all that I could ask for. I was going to have to go through all of this with low expectations.

"Hey!" A familiar, perky voice chirped.

Speaking of low expectations…

"Hey, Sydney." I forced a tired smile onto my face as she reached up to kiss me on the cheek.

"Everything okay?" She asked, head tilting to the side like a puppy dog.

"Yeah, I just need some coffee." No way that I'm going to tell her the truth about April. Not yet. "I'm going to head home soon, what about you?" We drove separately most of the time. It was nice to maintain some sense of independence from her given that she could be a little cling from time to time.

"No, I just got scheduled for an appy. It'll be another hour or two before I'm out of here." Sydney answered. I couldn't help but be a little grateful. I'd finally get some alone time.

"Alright," I nodded. "I'll see you at home." I leaned down, giving her a quick its on the lips.

Sydney stared up at me as I pulled away. "Jackson…" She started slowly, fluttering her lashes at me. "Are you sure that everything's alright? Something seems off with you." Even if I could be a little harsh on her, she was observant with people, intuitive about their emotions. Sometimes it was annoying. Mostly, it made me think of April. Again. Maybe I had just settled on the closest thing to a knockoff version of her that I could find.

"Just some stuff with the merger," I admitted with a slight shrug of our shoulder. "We can talk about it when you get home if you want." That would buy me some time to figure out what exactly I wanted to tell her about it.

"Okay," Sydney agreed with a nod of her head. Her pager beeped. "I'll see you later."

I stood there and watched her walk away for a brief moment, tucking my hands into the pockets of my lab coat and letting out a sigh once she was out of earshot. I didn't want to lie to her but I didn't want to be honest, either. That wasn't necessarily specific to her. I felt that way about telling anyone the truth between April and myself. It was better left buried in the past.

But I had a bad feeling things weren't going to stay that way. Things never stayed buried or quiet in this hospital no matter how people tried to cover it up. I wasn't sure if Meredith had made any effort to keep it quiet that she was sleeping with Derek, but pretty much everyone knew it with a single glance at the two of them. It had been the same with Cristina and Burke before he had left, as messy as that had been. Something about going public with actual relationships seemed to make them even messier. Things with Sydney and I weren't like that, mostly because it was far too casual for either one of us to get hurt. Or at least, too casual on my end. Maybe I was distancing myself too much, even more now that she was here, too.

That didn't bode well for April. She was a kind person and highly emotional, which could get her in trouble under a circumstance like that. Riggs wasn't, as far as I knew. Not in the same way, at least. He wouldn't care about people talking about him. They already did because of the beef between him and Owen. But this was something that would get under her skin. I still knew her better than I knew anyone else, apparently. Assuming there haven't been any drastic changes in the past ten years.

I could have been wrong to assume that, though. I didn't know.

Taking a deep breath, I headed downstairs to the locker room again so I could get changed and head home without having to think too much about anything else. I'd managed to avoid most of the other residents for the day, casual brushes with Izzie and Alex here and there in the emergency room, but I'd avoided talking too much to either one of them. That had given me a little peace of mind.

The locker room was quiet and empty when I found it, much to my appreciation. I sighed, sitting down on the bench for a moment as I kicked off my Nike's and slouched forward. It hadn't even been that hard of a day, but it certainly felt like one.

Standing up again, I grabbed the bottom of my scrub tup and pulled it off, tossing it in the bin to be sterilized with all of the other used scrubs. I stepped over to my locker, taking my time and checking my phone for a moment. No missed pages or texts. Everything was quiet. Quiet enough that I noticed immediately when someone else walked into the room and stopped suddenly, the bottom of the sneakers squeaking against the linoleum tile. I glanced over my shoulder, spotting April gawking.

"Are you going to say something, or just stare?" I commented. I watched as her cheeks ignited with a pink color and turned away from her, sticking my arms into the sleeves of my shirt and beginning to button it up without another word.

"Uh, sorry," April began to stutter out. "I didn't think that you would be in here."

"Well, it is the resident locker room…" I remarked, letting out a sigh. I grabbed my jeans and walked to the other end of the locker so I could take off my scrub pants and put them on without her seeing. Anyone else, and I wouldn't have bothered. But she had always been so modest, the entire time that I had known her. I had never seen her gawk at me like that – never caught her doing it, at least. Other girls had in high school, but she had always been the different one.

"Right." She muttered.

I tossed the light blue pants into the scrub bin and moved back over to my locker, grabbing the belt that was sitting there and looping it through my pants without looking at her. I could feel her gaze on me and she wasn't changing. She was just watching me.

"Jackson, can we please talk?" She begged me.

"Just get changed. I'm sure you have plans with Riggs." I remarked bitterly, pocketing my phone.

"Oh," April breathed out quietly. I turned around to look at her, folding my arms in front of my chest.

"Yeah, oh." I snapped back.

"I didn't realize that everyone here was going to know about that," she said as she scratched the back of her head. "It's kind of driving me mad now because everyone is making all of these assumptions about me that just aren't true. I'm here because I'm a good surgeon. Not as good as you guys, obviously, since Mercy West wasn't as good of a hospital and it seems like everyone here knows that… but I want an equal chance to prove myself. That's all that I really want and it seems like that's the last thing that I'm going to get." She rambled on. It really was just like old times again, hearing her go at it like nothing else. "Everyone's saying that I'm not going to get fired because I'm dating Riggs but it definitely feels like the opposite. Everyone's looking at me like I'm a child or just some dumb girlfriend and not like I have any potential to be a surgeon."

The breath that I was holding onto was released unintentionally. I hadn't really been thinking about what she could be going through if I was being completely honest with myself. It had to be hard for her to come over here, into a better hospital after so many of her coworkers had already been fired with the merger.

"That sucks," I muttered. "People will come around to you. A lot of the people around here have hard exteriors."

"Yeah, that's obvious," she shook her head. "It feels just like high school all over again. Petty and childish."

"That's not entirely inaccurate," I chuckled out, finally loosening up with a smile. "But you know, no one really liked you in high school at the beginning except for me. People are going to loosen up. They always do. You can take some warming up to sometimes but you're a good person. And you were the smartest person that I knew in high school. You dissected drugs and cats like no one's business. I'm sure that you're a good surgeon, too." I didn't doubt that. She had always been good at what she did, no matter what it was. She was smart and dedicated, talented and passionate. All she had to do was work at it to become good at it.

"It definitely feels different," she remarked, folding her arms nervously in front of her ribcage as if she were hugging herself, rubbing one of her own arms. "Everything does. I've been thinking about you all day, Jackson. I'm a good doctor. I am. I make checklists and I check everything off so I don't miss steps. I follow the rules and it makes me good but… I've been distracted because of you."

It was hard not to freeze at her words. I had thought of her more than I wanted to all day and even with distractions, well, she was just hard to remove from my mind. She had meant so much to me. I knew that I had meant a lot to her, too. Now I was the one pushing her out. She had left me in the past, but now I was the one putting up the wall between me and her, trying to divide our worlds. But it seemed like that wasn't going to happen, no matter what I tried. Life had shoved the two of us back together all over again and we were both going to have to learn how to deal with it and how to go forward from here.

"It took me a long time to stop thinking about you," I admitted, wetting my lips. "But I did. I stopped. It wasn't easy and you drove me crazy for years, April. I loved you. I was in love with you and you knew that, April. I know that you did." I had been clear about it.

"I loved you too, Jackson." April stepped forward. "I did. I loved you so much. You were the love of my life and I never stopped thinking of you, not for years. It wasn't fair, what happened."

"You're damn right it wasn't fair!" My voice raised higher than I expected.

How could she be the one to say that?

She was the one who left me. When I thought the two of us were just really getting started together, everything had turned around and fallen apart with the way that she had left me without another word, without so much as a note. The last time that I had seen her had been that night on her porch when we had told each other that we loved each other. And then she had proved very, very quickly that apparently wasn't the truth. Not as I knew it. No one loved someone, really loved them, then left them behind without another word. Without any answers or explanations. It was cruel and unfair. That had been her fault.

"Jackson…" April whispered out weakly, tears gleaming in her eyes.

"You left me, April!" This time, my voice cracked with the emotion that flooded through it. "I kissed you and I told you that you loved me, and you told me the same. I thought that you meant it. I thought that that was it for me, that I had found the woman that I was meant to be with. That we would go to college and med school and all of those important steps of life together, that we would be the hospital couple that people talked about. That was supposed to me and you. Not me and Sydney, or you and Riggs." Now I was the one rambling, but my words weren't frustrated. They were just angry. "You did that. You chose that. Not me. So don't act like it was unfair to me."

April stared back at me for a long moment, as if what I was saying was brand new information to her. But I knew that wasn't the case. I don't know what happened or what she had been thinking, but she'd left. Gone to some fancy boarding school for her last year of high school, then off into the rest of the world. She had gone on without me.

"Is that what you really think happened?" She questioned, looking at me with wide eyes.

My brows furrowed at her, still unable to rid myself of the rage that was inside me. I didn't want to get angry at her, but it seemed impossible in this situation. I took a deep breath to try and steady myself before I could go off at her any further, but my immediate chance to question it was taken away with a knock on the door.

"Hey, Keps, are you ready to go?" Riggs questioned, smiling, ignorant to our argument.

"I, uh…" April looked back at me, shaking her head.

"Go." I shook my head right back at her. "I know what happened. You know what else I know? That Riggs slept with Cristina while you've been together. So just go, April. Enjoy that."

"What?" April cried out.

"Avery," Riggs barked at me, stepping in with a frown. "Back off. That's my girlfriend that you're talking to, so I suggest that you watch your tone with her." His arm wrapped around her shoulders protectively and I couldn't keep the sneer off my face. April pulled away from him quickly.

"I know exactly who I'm talking to." I stared down at her.

"You don't know the truth, Jackson. I swear you don't. I didn't have a choice if you would just give me the chance to explain what happened…" April was speaking quickly but Riggs appeared as annoyed and frustrated with all of this as I was. Probably because his secret was out.

"Uh-huh. I have plans. Have fun working things out." My gaze shifted between the two of them.

Taking a deep breath, I walked out of the locker room. It's only a second before I can hear April yelling at him. He deserved that much.


	3. Chapter 3

**_ APRIL _ **

Staring at Jackson as he walked out of the room, it was hard to decipher exactly what I felt now.

Not for him, not at the moment. The anger at his choice of petulance could be saved for another day. Instead, all could do was funnel that exact anger to the man currently standing in front of me – the man who had apparently cheated on me with someone who was now my competition professionally. Was she personally, too? I didn't know who Cristina was beyond a face and the fact that she had been less than receptive to me. Did everyone here know about this? Was this why they had reacted to my presence the way that they had?

My eyes widened in a weak attempt to try and conceal the tears that I could already feel forming in their ducts and I took a deep breath through my nose. I had every right in the world to be angry with him and yet I didn't want to be – no, because I wanted to chase down Jackson instead and tell him the truth about that night. Well, not so much that night as the days that had followed. There was so much to tell him, that it hadn't been my fault nor my choice in the matter, that I had never wanted to do something like that to him. I could feel my hands shaking. But it wasn't just anger. I wanted to cry, too. I had put my trust in him and he had thrown it away. I didn't even know when he had done it, but apparently, enough of the others did.

I opened my mouth to say something and no real noise comes out. It opened wider as if I were going to yell and still there's nothing more than silence. I could see the fear begin to emerge in Riggs' eyes. He had never seen me angry before. I'd never had a reason to be around him before. But I could feel myself about to explode.

Yet again, the only thing that I can find is pained silence. I want to scream and I want to yell at him, there were so many questions running through my mind about how he could have possibly done something like this to me… But the disbelief was still there. Maybe Jackson was just trying to hurt me and throwing out something completely crazy. But that wasn't like it, it never had been. Even though when he got angry, he got very angry… he wasn't a liar. He had always been honest with me for my entire life. Too honest, sometimes. There was no reason for that to change now.

Or maybe there was. But there was only one way to find out.

"Is it true?" I finally had the nerve to question, taking a deep breath. "Did you sleep with Cristina Yang?"

"April…" Nathan sighed out, running his hand over his face. "It's not that simple, okay? Don't make me out to be the bad guy without at least hearing me out. 'Cause it's clear that guy doesn't like me. I mean, Avery and I have never been friends – but now it really seems like he's out to get me, or something."

"Because of what? Because he told me the truth?" I rose my voice, hand flailing out as I spoke.

"Yes, I slept with Cristina." He confessed. "But it was just sex, okay? There was nothing else to it. Sex and nothing else." He tried to plead his case. "I don't feel anything for her. Not like I do for you." My jaw dropped. I don't know if the words are supposed to make me feel better or worse.

I yelled, unintentionally. "Well, then what in the world did you do that for?"

"Sex, okay? You have your thing about being a virgin which is, you know, great for you, but not as great for me. And I know better than to try and push you into changing your mind about it so–"

"So you just went and slept with someone else and thought that was a good solution?" I interrupted.

Nathan fell silent for a moment and now he looked equally pissed off. I didn't understand why. He had made a mistake and he was the one who had screwed up – it was time for him to own up to it and apologize, not get angry back at me for having a reasonable reaction to what he had done. Yet I can only think that for a second before the guilt began to seep in. I reacted like this every time someone was angry at me, no matter what it was. I just couldn't help myself.

"I'm sorry, okay? April, I am. I didn't want to hurt you." He finally apologized. I sighed.

"I'm sure you are." The words come out much more bitter than how I intended them to be delivered and I can't help but cringe internally once they had been said. "Listen, I… I don't know. I just need to think about this. I need a break from us right now, okay?"

"Okay, that's fair," Nathan agreed. "But I love you, April, okay? I do. Just… remember that."

Grabbing my purse from my locker, I can't bring myself to return the same sentiment to him at the moment. Another time and I might have, but all I can think about is him and Cristina naked and that it was somehow my fault because I wanted to stay a virgin until I was married. I shuddered to myself once I was past him and moving quickly down the hallway. It wasn't an image I liked.

Laying in bed that night, I can feel the exhaustion spread throughout my body. My legs are relieved to no longer be carrying the weight of the rest of my body and sink heavily against the mattress. The rest of my body followed suit without hesitation. The only disturbance is the sudden shift in my mattress as my cat jumped onto the bed, circling along my feet before settling down on one side of my calves. Lucy was a tuxedo cat, a stray that I had left out a bowl of milk for one night and who had returned every night after. I had taken her to the vet and there had been no microchip, so from that point forward, she had been mine. She still came and went a bit, preferring the outdoors, but often she fell asleep on the bed with me.

"Hey, girl," I murmured. All I can see of her in the dark is her tail flicking side to side.

Even with her on the bed though, I can't fall asleep easily. I don't toss and turn like I want to for the sake of not disturbing her. Exhaustion wasn't enough to seduce me into a good night of rest. There was just too much on my mind about what needed to be done. First, I needed to talk to Jackson. He needed to know the truth because I didn't know how I was ever going to handle things at the hospital if I had to deal with him hating me for something that wasn't my fault. Then maybe I could figure out what I was supposed to do about Nathan.

The morning comes and when I finally get a glance of myself in the mirror, dark underage bags staring back at me. I was going to be early for work. That was undeniable. But maybe I could get some coffee for Jackson and myself and potentially talk him into sitting down to have a real conversation with me.

I didn't know if he still drank coffee the same way that he did in high school. Probably not. I'd thought that he was silly back then and always went for tea or hot chocolate myself, but that had quickly changed come college. I ordered myself an iced vanilla latte and got him a hot cup of coffee with two sugars and a splash of milk thrown in it. Hopefully, it would be just enough to get a small smile out of him. That was all I wanted.

Getting to the locker room, I tried not to be too impatient as I waited for Jackson to show up. A few faces that I don't recognize come and go, making it hard not to look awkward. When he finally arrived, I brightened up with a smile for him.

"Hey!" I greeted him, voice squeaking out louder than I expected to. I thrust the coffee forward toward him. "I brought you some coffee. Black with two sugars and a splash of milk. That's how you used to like it, so…" Eyebrows raised up hopefully and I could finally breathe out some relief when he took it from me.

"Thanks," he muttered. Jackson lingered, staring at me a moment before walking into the locker room.

I followed him. "I was hoping that maybe we could talk," I suggested. "There's a lot I want to tell you."

"I don't think that's a good idea." He stated as he began to change. I moved to my locker to do the same.

"Jackson, please," I tried to keep the whine out of my voice. "There's a lot that you don't know. I know… what you think happened but I promise that it is not what actually happened, okay? I want to tell you the truth about everything but I don't want to do it right now before work." I was worried I would cry or maybe he would, and I certainly didn't want to be overheard. It was a long, honest conversation to have and I couldn't get my mind through that before going into work. Especially if it was going to be hard enough to get along with the head of trauma. "Just a conversation." I changed shirts quickly before turning back to face him. "Please?"

"I…" Jackson turned around to face me and no doubt got a good look at my puppy eyes as I stared up at him, hoping to plead with him in whatever way possible. Maybe it was a little low for me. "Okay, okay, fine. We'll talk after work, okay? Is that fine?"

"Yes!" I tried to contain my excitement. "Yes. Thank you, Jackson, thank you. I promise you won't regret it."

"Where do you want to meet?" He asked, brow raised.

I took a deep breath. "Uh…" I had no idea. I didn't want to meet somewhere at the hospital but I had nowhere else in mind to go, either. Even though I had been in Seattle for three years now, I had barely seen the city because I had spent so much time working my butt off. "I don't know," I shook my head. "Wherever you like."

"How about the bar across the street? We can get a booth." Jackson suggested.

"Yes, that's perfect," I smiled. "I'll meet you there after work, okay?"

"Okay." He nodded.

Jackson agreement to talk with me at the end of the day was a better shot of energy than anything inside of my own coffee cup could have done to help me get through the rest of the day. Even so, I down the coffee eagerly before finding my way to the emergency room again.

Changed into light blue scrubs and my lab coat on my shoulders, I clipped my pager onto the waistband of my pants before heading down to the emergency room again. No group of other giggling interns gets in my way, fortunately. Maybe getting here early was the best way to avoid all of those nasty little things. I had confronted Nathan but not Cristina. It wasn't her fault – not in the same way, at least. She wasn't the one who was in a relationship and slept with someone else. I would have to learn how to deal with her. But not right now. I had work to do.

The emergency room was busier today than it had been yesterday and that was a good sign, as far as I was concerned. It meant there was less of an excuse for Dr. Hunt to try and send me away and not deal with me just because of who I was sort-of dating. but it wasn't like he knew about the spat that we had last night, and the break that we were now taking because of it. Or maybe he did. I didn't know how word traveled around here yet.

"Dr. Hunt!" I chirped out eagerly as I approached, offering a big smile. "Where do you need me?"

"Ah, Kepner…" He started slowly. "Well, we have an incoming. I suppose it's time to let you get your feet away." Dr. Hunt was considerably more friendly today than he had been yesterday. I kept the smile on my face even if there was an air of skepticism to it this time.

"Thank you, sir," I said with a small nod. "I appreciate having the chance to prove myself and I promise that I won't let you down." I absolutely needed to impress him if I wanted to keep my job here.

Hunt gave me a forced smile, staring down at me. "I uh, heard about what happened between you and Riggs." Oh god. Oh no. Please, please, don't let him go there… "Sorry to hear about it."

"I don't think it's a good idea to talk about that," I said a little too quickly. "I uh, I just rather not."

"Well, he did the same thing to my sister," Owen said. "So, I'm sorry."

"Oh." I blurted out, unsure what else to say. Nathan had never mentioned anything like that before but there was an explanation for why the two of them didn't get along. Somehow, it was nice (or as nice as it could be) to hear it from someone besides him. I couldn't trust him to give me the truth, apparently. Now I knew that he had a history of cheating on women. "I'm sorry about your sister." I murmured, pressing my lips into a thin line.

Fortunately for saving the both of us from being too painfully awkward, the incoming that he mentioned pulled into the ambulance bay with the sound of their sirens blaring. I pulled on a yellow trauma gown and followed him out to bring the patient in. Another was coming from the same MVC. It was early enough that the other residents were doing rounds on their patients, not immediately in the E.R. That gave me the perfect chance to get on board with things here without too many other people getting in my way.

This was my first chance to get inside of an operating room here and I couldn't have been more excited. One of the general surgery attendings that I don't really know yet comes down with the case, Dr. Bailey, only a few years older than me and yet she had a clear fire that bossed around everyone else in her path. That was impressive. She had a commanding presence that was a little bit terrifying and a little bit inspiring given how tiny she was. I was used to being one of the smallest doctors in the room. She may have been even shorter than I was, but with the energy that she put out, it was almost impossible to tell. It matched the talented that she displayed in the operating room.

Standing in the operating room for hours and holding a scalpel in my hand was a thrill like nothing else. This was the perfect thing to get me started and ready for the conversation that I needed to have with Jackson tonight. I couldn't have asked for anything more better. And yeah, maybe I'm a little glad that it's not Dr. Hunt that I have to work with. It saved me from some of the possible awkwardness.

Once I'm out of surgery, though, my plans are something else entirely. On my lunch break, I make a quick stop at the closest farmer's market that I can find on Google Maps and get myself a box of fresh strawberries for tonight.

The rest of the day goes by faster than I expected even if I don't have the benefit of getting inside of the operating room again. I knew that I couldn't push my luck with things here, of course. I needed to do enough to keep my head above water but I didn't want to make the rest of the residents hate me, either. I needed to learn to get along with them, one way or another.

When it was time to clock out, though, I don't stick around like perhaps I should to try and get ahead of the curve. My plan with Jackson is something that I can't afford to be late too. It was a blessing that he had agreed to go in the first place and I wasn't going to waste that opportunity or throw it away with something as trivial as being late. I showed across the street at the end of the day, sitting in one of the booths with a glass of water and the strawberries placed on the center of the table as a peace offering. This had to work.

Watching the door carefully so that I could spot him the second he got there, I jolted up and waved my hand like a maniac when Jackson walked through the door. He noticed me immediately, nodding his head.

"I'm going to get something to drink," he said when he walked over to the table. "Do you want something?"

"Uh, just whatever IPA they have on tap." Plain and simple, but maybe I could get rid of some of the nerves. I had hope and a small feeling that putting the truth out there would be the real curve to mollifying my frayed nerves.

"Alright," Jackson gave a nod before walking away.

I waited impatiently in the booth, suddenly more antsy now that he was under the same roof as me than I had been before. But this was the moment that I could make things right before, or at least, start to build a bridge between the two of us again. I couldn't have this one stay burned. He had been too important to me in the past. I wanted him back in my life. Everything would have been so much better if we could fall back into our old ways.

When he did finally rejoin me with two beers in his hand, placing one down in front of me before sliding into the booth across from me, the smile filled my cheeks again. This should hopefully be easy to explain to him.

"Thank you for coming, Jackson," I smiled at him, wrapping both my hands around the cold beer. "I really appreciate it. I… I always wanted to tell you what happened."

"Uh-huh." Jackson didn't look entirely convinced by it. "So what's the story?"

"My mom." I started, taking a deep breath and pausing to take a sip of the beer. Not bad. "It was my mom, every bit of it. Almost every bit of it. She saw you kiss me on the porch step and less than a minute in the house, she was ready to tear me a new one. She told me that I could never see you again and it was unacceptable to be with someone like you. I… I think part of it, um…" This was so embarrassing. "I think part of it might have been a race thing? I don't know. That was something I thought about later, not at the moment, because I was furious and– we got into this big fight. I said things that I had never said before and certainly disrespected her, but… she didn't get it. All she saw was me being corrupted by you or something. I was going to run away like some book character. All of it kind of compiled on me and well, uh, I kind of had this... little nervous breakdown. I spent a few days in the hospital and after that, she sent me away. I had an uncle on her side that lives in Texas and I did my last year of high school there, working on his cattle farm and in his church. He was… he was hard on me." I pressed my lips together briefly. "But he certainly kept me away from making friends with anyone else. The town hated him, so. My mom thought it was a perfect fit."

Jackson was silent for a long moment as he stared back at me across the table and processed everything that I was saying. He didn't respond verbally, reaching forward and taking one of the strawberries out of the box, taking a large bite out of it before placing the leaf down on a napkin. He then took a long sip of his beer. His gaze wasn't on me but I could see his eyes, the perfect mix of blue and green, forlorn and more distant than what I expected upon receiving the information.

"Huh," he finally said which caused my brows to draw together. "I mean, that's not what I thought happened. I just… didn't expect you to say that." He admitted. "What about after high school? Why did you never try and get in contact with me again?" He questioned.

"I wanted to," I replied quickly. "I did. I mean, we didn't exactly have cell phones back then, but I really wanted to. I wanted to know where you had decided to go to college and I wanted to tell you what happened and… there was so much that I wanted to tell you, Jackson. Things that I still do want to tell you. But my mom said that your mom didn't want me around, either. That she thought I was some… stupid hillbilly girl who wasn't good enough for her son." I couldn't forget the words that my mom had told me that summer. They still burned, even as just a memory. "And ultimately, I was embarrassed. About the breakdown and the fallout… I left all of it in the past when I left Moline."

"So you stopped trying?" Jackson questioned. My hands tightened around my glass.

"I tried to find you. It wasn't easy, I mean, not like it is today. And then once college started… I was so busy with everything and trying to keep up with the coursework, I just, I didn't have time. Then it started to feel unhealthy to just be obsessed with you in the way that I was." I expressed.

Quiet fell between us for a few moments again and I tried not to interrupt it.

"I was obsessed with you too. For a long time," Jackson confessed as he leaned back in his seat. "I couldn't get over you for years. Then I finally was and… here you are, showing right back up in my life again. You almost look the same now as you did then." There was a fondness in his smile. One that I had seen ten years ago.

"Well…" I started. "I definitely didn't expect to see you here on my first day of work." I reached forward to grab a strawberry and took a bite out of it myself. "But I'm glad that I did, Jackson. I thought that I had lost you forever and here you are."

"How well do you remember that night? The last time that we saw each other before…" He asked, shifting gears slightly.

I took another bite, nodding slightly. "Pretty well." I smiled.

"That night, I went home and I told my mom all about you. I mean, you already knew my mom and she already liked you. She thought that you were a good influence on me, modest and everything, still smart even coming from humble roots. She adored you, April, she always did. And when I told her that I was in love with you? She laughed a little, just because we were young, but she was happy for me. For both of us, really. There was no way that my mom would have told yours something like that. I promise that she liked you. Her mind only changed after I told her that you had disappeared without a word." Jackson explained honestly, letting out everything on his mind before taking another sip from his beer. Now his mom must have hated me.

The words pulled at his heartstrings in a way that I didn't expect them to. It made sense, in hindsight. Looking back always had a way of removing the haze of emotions and teenage angst. But then, I had believed it. I had believed every stupid word of it with tears and without question. It seemed stupid and childish now. I shouldn't have fallen for her tactics.

"I'm sorry that I believed her." I murmured, finishing off the strawberry and setting down the leaf. "I wish I hadn't."

"Me too," he breathed out.

"But I don't want this to be lingering over our heads," I started. "I want to be friends again, Jackson. You were my best friend. There was no one else that I loved or cared for in the way that I did you and I don't know how to be around you without thinking of that. Or without treating you that way. I can't not feel a certain way about you." An empathetic smile filled my lips this time, overcome with the urge to reach across the table and take his hand between both of mine. I might have if there wasn't strawberry juice on my hands.

"I've never felt the same way about someone as I have about you," Jackson admitted. "I uh, I'm seeing someone, actually. Her name is Sydney. She's a fourth-year surgical resident. We live together." Even though I was in a relationship too, I could feel my stomach sink. "It's not that serious." Oh, there was some hope again. "I've never had that serious of a relationship, to be honest. I guess I thought I got over you when I didn't."

I took a deep breath. "It's good that you're in a relationship and living with someone."

"I guess so," he shrugged. "I mean, I couldn't let my life get completely frozen because of you."

"Yeah…" My voice trailed off, glancing down at the table for a moment. I grabbed another strawberry and took a bite out of it to excuse my pause.

"I'm guessing you broke up with Riggs?" Jackson questioned, his brow raising.

"Uh, no," I shook my head. "No, I didn't. He apologized and said that it was a one-time thing. I want to believe him. But apparently, he has a history of doing this kind of thing." I wanted to have that kind of faith in people and the world, even if it was naive of me. "We are, however, taking just a little bit of a break so that I can clear my head about it. I need a little bit of time to forgive him. It's… disrespectful, what he did. All because of my beliefs." A frown tugged at the corners of my mouth.

"What?" Jackson questioned, a flash of anger appearing in his otherwise light eyes. "He cheated on you, April. With Yang. Why the hell would you stay with a guy like that after he did that? You deserve better than that."

I sighed. "He's… I don't know. He's always been really good to me and really patient with me. Except about… this."

"This?" He stared at me skeptically for a moment and I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks, hoping that it wasn't noticeable in the low light of the bar as I dropped my head and let my hair fall in front of my face to try and hide it. He knew what it was – even if it wasn't at the forefront of his mind. It had been a belief that I'd held since I was a child and that he knew about it. We had talked about it, actually. He'd lost his virginity at junior prom and I had been a mess about it. He hadn't been my date, it wasn't like it had been something like that. I had just always been uptight about the virgin thing. He had offered his perspective, but I hadn't changed my mind. Neither had he.

"The virgin thing." I chewed at the inside of my cheek. "I'm still one and I still want to wait until I'm married. He's, you know, obviously not one. I guess he was just pent up about me not putting out so that's why he slept with Yang. I guess that's my fault." He had certainly made it seem that way.

"No, no, it's not your fault. That's entirely on him. He doesn't respect or cherish you enough to wait for you and you shouldn't be sticking around with him, either." Jackson insisted emphatically. "You deserve better than that. You should know that."

Picking up my beer, I take a long drink from it, trying to focus on his words and yet… not, at the same time. There's an emotional toll there that I could feel sinking into my chest. He wanted better for me and I should have wanted better, too. All these years and the pain that had been caused between us, and he was still looking out for me, after all this time. Maybe there was hope that things between the two of us could go back to the way they were before. Maybe he wanted it to happen just as much as I needed it to.

"Maybe I should break up with him." I murmured, setting the beer down.

"You should." He responded without hesitation.

There was a question on my tongue that I wanted to ask him but I knew that it wasn't fair to either of us. This was a shock for both of us – even though we had been working at the same hospital together for a week now, it was the first time that he had heard the truth. It seemed like Jackson was still processing it too from the way that he had diverted. But what I wanted to ask… I couldn't. I was with Riggs and he was with Sydney. I took a deep breath as I buried it away.

"I'll figure it out." I stared down at my nails and grabbed another strawberry to try and balance out the beer that I had drank just a little too fast. The last thing that I wanted to do was upset my stomach when I finally had a chance to really talk with him.

"Thank you for telling me the truth," Jackson commented, reaching out and catching my hand. I looked back up at him. "I'm sorry about your mom and I'm sorry that you had a nervous breakdown. I wish I would have known and… just, be able to change it or stop it from happening. If I had known, that's all that I would have wanted to do."

"I know." And I did. He was good like that and he always been. "Thank you for listening." 

Yet I felt guilty at the same time. I could have done more but when I had been forced out of Moline, I really had run from it in every way that I could. I had wanted to leave behind who I was and leave behind all of the pain that came with ruminating about it. It was hard not to break my heart at that age. I had been so in love with him and all of that had been ripped away from me. I took a deep breath as I looked back up at him. The past was in the past, but we still had a future somewhere. We would spend the rest of our residency together. That was two whole years.

"I know that neither one of us can change everything that happened, but…" I took a deep breath in the pause. "Maybe we can make things a little better for the future. I want to be friends again, Jackson. I really, really do. Do you think we can do that?"

Jackson smiled. "Yeah, I think we can."


	4. Chapter 4

**_ JACKSON _ **

Like most things in life, there were some things I got and some things I didn't.

Racism was hard to determine for where it fell on the spectrum. I didn't personally understand where the hatred came from, but I knew that it was a part of my life no matter what I did to fight back against it and I had learned sometimes that staying silent was the best option to avoid getting cast as the angry black guy. Once that happened, no one took you seriously. My mom had made sure that was something I had known young so that I could try and avoid the problems that would inevitably come with it if I got tagged with that reputation. Even though it had been a small town and April probably hadn't been the most educated person about it back when we were kids, I'd never experienced it from her. We didn't spend a ton of time around her parents or my mom, for that matter, but something about learning that they had been closet racists the entire time didn't really surprise me. They certainly weren't the only people where we had grown up.

That's why what she told me made sense even if it didn't erase the fact that I had seen the last ten years of my life trying to scrub away the stain that she had left on me, and move on with the rest of my life. It just meant that it wasn't her fault and I had to shift the blame somewhere else, somewhere that I couldn't confront and realistically wouldn't have to. I couldn't have stayed angry with her if I tried, not as long as she was around. There was still too much buried love and affection beneath the surface. I had buried it down pretty deep but I had never entirely gotten rid of it. Now, well, that was probably a good thing for both of us given that we would be working together and finishing our residencies in the same hospital. It makes it impossible for me to fall asleep thinking about anything other than her red hair and soft freckles after an evening at the bar together.

One thing that I didn't get was the fact that she was still with Riggs. Even before knowing that he had slept with Yang, I would have said that she deserved someone better than him. He was pretty average all around even if he was the head of cardio. April deserved better than that. Anyone should have known that.

Now that I knew the truth though, and she did too from the abrupt way that I had dropped it on her, I didn't understand why she wouldn't just break up with him on the spot. I wasn't sure what exactly a break meant to her – they weren't living together and even if it seemed like they had been together for a decent amount of time, it wasn't as definite as I would have hoped. I could only hope that the breakup for her would come sooner rather than later. I didn't want to see her hurt by him any more than she already had been.

Unfortunately, she wasn't the only person I was worried about being hurt by men today. Even if I wasn't in love with Sydney and never had been, and I was mostly sure that it was mutual, she'd still been pretty good to me. She deserved nice things, too.

But I know what has to be done. Lingering around wouldn't be fair to either of us and I didn't want to be that type of guy. Not to her or anyone else. I figured it was just one of those things about having decent morals. Something that I was pretty sure that Riggs didn't have. Comparisons weren't going to get me anywhere, though, not right now.

"Hey, Syd, you got a minute?" She was working during the day and the third-year residents had the night shift. It meant that I was supposed to spend today sleeping, but I wanted to catch her before she left.

"Yeah, sure." Her voice was chirpy for six in the morning. "What's up?"

"I, uh, I'm not entirely sure how to say this to you so I'm just going to be direct. I think that we should break up." Having April around only meant what I felt for her was even more nonexistent than what it had been before. Sticking around wasn't fair to either one of us.

"Oh," Sydney blinked in surprise. "Did I do something?"

"No, no, nothing like that." I shook my head quickly. "Do you remember the girl that I told you about? The one that I loved and grew up with?" Probably the easiest way to simplify it.

She nodded her head.

"She's back," I breathed out. "April Kepner. She came over with the merger. We talked and, uh, I guess I thought that I had gotten over it but being around her again just reminded me of everything that we had together." I wet my lips. "I don't want to be unfair to you. And I think that continuing anything that we have here would be doing exactly that." Hopefully, this was an explanation that would make sense to her.

"Oh, okay," she nodded again. "Yeah, that's fine." Some of the tension in my shoulders disappeared immediately upon her words. "Uh, what about living together?" She asked.

"I can move out," I offered.

"Alright," Sydney agreed. "Thank you for being upfront with me. I heard about her – she's dating Riggs, right? And he cheated on her with Cristina Yang?" I nodded my head. "Well, thank you for not putting me through something like that. I can't imagine what that must be like."

"It's a pretty ugly situation," I sighed. "Guess it's a good thing that they aren't living together."

"Yeah," she chuckled. "Anyway, I've got to get to work. I'll see you around, Jackson." She smiled.

It was a relief to have that much off my shoulders even if it meant I was going to have to deal with finding a new place to live. Money wasn't much of a big deal for me so it shouldn't have been a problem to find something new, it would just be the hassle of actually doing the physical move itself.

Collapsing back into bed, I checked the time on my phone. Still way too early. I'd stayed up late after meeting with April to try and compensate for the fact that I was supposed to sleep through most of the day in order to be able to work al night. Somehow, that was a hell of a lot easier said than done. Staring at my phone screen for a moment and the neutral background of the Seattle skyline, I sighed to myself before unlocking it and opening up my messages to send a quick text.

[Sent: April] Let me know when you're up.

I hadn't asked when she would be sleeping to deal with the long night that we had ahead of us. She was good a preparing in a way that I wasn't, she always had been. It wouldn't have surprised me if she had ended up staying up all night in order to sleep through the day.

Drifting off comes naturally at this point in the morning even if it's only temporary. Shutting my eyes to wait for her to reply turns into a lull of dreamless sleep. I don't realize that it had happened in the first place until I heard the sound of my phone hitting the floor and I jolt awake in surprise, blinking a couple of times. I reached down to pick it up. The screen was fine. It was nine in the morning now, and a text from April an hour ago was waiting for me.

[Received] Hey. I should be asleep but I fell asleep when I got home last night.

I couldn't help but smile, letting out a soft chuckle. Even if she was good at being prepared she'd always had a pretty consistent sleep schedule. I'd never understood how she managed it.

[Sent] I broke up with Sydney. Amicably. Need to find a new place to live.

Without hesitating, I hit send. Normally Karev would have been the first person that I told something like that. He was the only other guy in my group and it was just kind of a natural thing that occurred between the two of us given that we were otherwise surrounded by women.

[Received] Oh, I'm sorry.  
[Received] Do you want to move in with me?

Huh.

I hadn't thought much about it when it came to telling her before anyone else and maybe if I had, I would have seen the offer coming from her.

[Sent] Are you sure that you want to offer that?

[Received] Of course!

Her reply was much faster than I expected it to be. April was a good person all around. This was the kind of offer that she would have made to anyone and I knew that I could tell myself that all day long, but it didn't change the fact that my heart skipped a beat in my chest.

[Received] I have an extra bedroom. Reed lived with me at first but she moved out.

The followup made sense and I found myself nodding to myself, thumbing along the edge of my phone case as I debated how to reply. There was going to be a lot of proximity between the two of us regardless of working together given the long hours and being in the same field, even if neither one of us was specialized yet. We had agreed to be friends again. This was something that friends did for one another.

[Sent] If you're sure.  
[Sent] Thank you.

April reacted to the first message and I couldn't help but smile. No one else I knew actually did the reaction options on iMessage but something about her doing it just fit.

[Received] There's not much in the room beside the bed and mattress. It's ready when you are.

Huh.

Sitting up in bed properly, I looked around my room. Given how much time that I spent in the hospital, other than the fact that the bed was chronically unmade and there was usually some kind of dirty clothes somewhere, my room didn't look particularly lived in. It wasn't really decorated. Clothes were the main thing that I would actually have to pack.

[Sent] Can I come over around dinner?

That would give me some time to get in more of the sleep that I should have gotten in the first place, pack up at least some of the everyday things that I used, and get to her place to eat a meal before heading into work.

[Received] Of course! Whenever you want.

The message made me smile.

It also made me fall asleep thinking about her again, even if the rest of the world was waking up and getting ready for work. This time, it wasn't so much about her hair and freckles, but instead, that signature smile that had the power to light up an entire room.

Dreams come this time without any control over it, most of them a hazy blur but I know they're about her. A younger version of her, though, the one that I had known for years and centered most of my childhood and teen years around. I'd always wondered why life would have been like if she hadn't disappeared from mine, what college and med school would have been like… my brain was happy to fill in the gaps. Late nights in the library, studying and kissing, group projects and proofreading each other's paper, getting to see each other at graduation. So many opportunities that had been missed. Senior year of high school had been the worst when it came to lingering on that type of thing, given that everyone had noticed her absence instead of just me. Everyone had asked me what had happened and I hadn't known what to say. I hadn't known the truth, but even my version of it had been painful to open up about.

But just because there was a lot between us that had been missed didn't mean there had to be more going forward. Not only working with her but now apparently moving in with her, gave me some hope for that. Even if those things would have been nice memories to be able to hold onto, a lot of it was trivial and minor stuff. That was something to remind me about.

This time when I wake up again, it's past two in the afternoon.

Getting out of bed again, I head to the kitchen to grab a banana and make myself a smoothie with some of the other fresh fruit in the fridge. Sydney had been pretty good about always keeping the fridge stalked and I'd have to thank her for that. I'd make sure to give her a check for another month of my share of the rent so she didn't have to stress about dealing with it without a roommate.

While the blender was churning loudly in the kitchen, I pulled my phone out of my pocket to send out another two texts, this time not to April but to share a little news.

[Sent: Alex] Hey, I broke up with Sydney. Moving out. No more weird comments.

Weird translating to inappropriate, of course.

[Sent: Izzie] Hey, do you think you can help me welcome April into the group a little more? She offered to let me move in with her – broke up with Sydney. She could use another friend or two.

I can't decide if I should feel guilty about sending the text or not. April was more than capable of making her own friends but I knew the majority of our group wasn't going to be super open to her in the first place. Izzie was usually the exception to that but I knew that she also tended to get caught up in the pressure that Meredith and Cristina both put on her, even if she was considerably nicer than the two of them. Either way, the question was only asked with her interest in mind.

[Received: Izzie] Of course!

A simple answer and yet I'm still relieved to hear it. I don't reply to avoid forcing the conversation any further. She was the type of person that I could depend on keeping her word. I was sure that she would get along with April much better than Meredith, Alex, or Cristina would.

Downing my makeshift lunch, I resisted the urge to send another text message to April. She was probably getting some sleep in and I didn't want to wake her. She would need rest even if she said that she had gotten a full night of sleep already. If she was awake, she was probably cleaning even though I doubted she needed to. One of the similarities between her and Sydney was that she had always liked somewhere clean to live, it didn't matter if some company was coming over or not. She always maintained her space well.

[Received: Alex] Yeah whatever.

The short reply made me snort and I tucked my phone back into my pocket, heading back to my room.

My laundry basket was half-full and could be tossed in the back seat of my car without much of a problem. Packing up the bathroom wouldn't take long either given that it was just toiletries and a couple of admittedly old medications that probably hadn't been touched besides in the first week they were bought – a nasal spray, Neosporin, some Pepto Bismol. Nothing major.

On the other hand, the closet was much fuller even though most of the clothes hadn't been worn too recently given the proclivity for scrubs in my life. The hospital took care of washing and sterilizing them. That definitely cut down on the bulk of laundry that I had to do beyond underwear and jeans. Given all of the time that working in my residency took, it was no surprise that most of it didn't get worn because there was rarely time or reason to go out. A bit of time spent across the street after hours was just about the extent of my social life outside of work now. Emptying out the dresser drawers into an athletic bag doesn't take long. A garment bag was thrown over some of my clothes hanging up. This could be an easy move.

It doesn't take a ton of time to get my car loaded up with the necessary items. Electronics, toiletries, clothing, and my Keurig. A lot of the other kitchen stuff had been Sydney's but I'd insisted on getting one of those for the kitchen. I was almost positive April wouldn't have one.

[Sent: April] What's your address?

It feels ridiculous even asking that, but she replied quickly with all the details.

Though my car was loaded up, her place wasn't the first location that I went to. Instead, I go to the Whole Foods closest to her place. Admittedly it wasn't that near, in a bit of a nicer part of the city, whereas her apartment was… well, probably not my first pick of the lot. There was nothing wrong with the area by itself, of course, it was safe and fine. It just wasn't as nice as what I was used to living in.

Heading inside of the store, it was as crowded as I expected it to be in the early evening. They always had good food options for grabbing something to go with the different options but I knew what I wanted, and it was nothing directly by the salad bar. Instead, I go straight for the rest sushi options, filling a basket with a plethora of different rolls – California, spicy tuna, shrimp tempura, Philadelphia, dragon… just about everything I thought she might like, including one package of tuna nigiri and some edamame to go along with it. I grabbed low sodium soy sauce and some glass bottles of coke. One thing that was just like old times.

Once everything was purchased and placed in the passenger seat of my car given that the trunk was filled up with my personal items, I finally punched her address into the maps on my phone and made my way there. It wasn't a long drive, I was familiar enough with the area. It just took a brief moment to point out which unit was specifically hers.

Grabbing a duffel bag and tossing it over my shoulder, then using my hands to carry in the Whole Foods bags, I walk up to the apartment door and give it a sound knock. It's still light outside even if it was just about dinner time. Hopefully, she was already expecting me.

Fortunately, the door opened after only a brief moment of waiting. "Hey!"

"Hey," I smiled down at her. "I brought some dinner." I lifted up the bag. "And my stuff is mostly in my car, but I'm not in that much of a hurry to get it all out," I informed her.

"Oh, what did you bring?" April's eyes lit up with curiosity.

"Sushi," I answered. "There's some edamame in there too, that needs to be cooked. It shouldn't take very long."

"Let me see." She requested.

Giving a glance around the apartment, it fit her perfectly. It was feminine with a bit of a modern farmhouse look. It did look a bit like the house that she had grown up with the color scheme. It just fit her, pale pink and browns mostly, light hardwood floors, white cabinets in the kitchen. I set down the bag of food on the white countertops and began to unpack it. It was nicer on the inside than what I would have guessed from the outside. Most apartment complexes in this price range were generally the opposite, so I was impressed with her pick.

Spreading out the different picks of sushi on the counter and the bottles of coke, I handed the small bag of edamame over to her and peeled the plastic wrap off of the bottle of soy sauce. It was all ready to go pretty much beyond the edamame itself, it just needed to be opened up.

"I'm going to go grab a few things out of my car, I'll be right back," I informed her.

"Okay," she responded.

Leaving the door unlocked behind me, I headed back down two flights off stairs and to my car. I grabbed the Keurig out of it and my electronics, given that they are the valuables and not something I wanted to have to worry about getting stolen – not necessarily from her but from the hospital parking lot, as well. Making my way back upstairs, I entered the apartment again and shut the door behind me. I joined her in the kitchen again, setting down the coffee machine on some empty space.

"Where's the second bedroom?" I asked.

"Down the hallway, first door on the right. It's just across the hall from mine." April answered.

Following her instructions, I opened up the door to the bedroom and set my stuff down on the bed. I'd have to get the actual sheets and whatnot from the car, but I could bring that up either later tonight or in the morning when we got done with our shift at the hospital and I'd actually get a chance to sleep in the room. It was clear, just a mattress and nightstand. There wasn't a speck of dust or anything else to indicate it had been unoccupied recently.

Not bothering to unpack much of it, I pulled out only my laptop and its charger, plugging it into the wall so that it could charge. Other than that, I left things be as they were and went to join her back in the kitchen area again.

"The edamame should be done in just a minute, I went ahead and popped it in the microwave." She said.

"Good," I nodded, beginning to open up the containers of sushi.

"I can't believe that you got glass bottles of Coke," she said with a smile pulling across the corners of her lips as she looked up at me. "I swear, I never see these things anymore. But I guess it makes sense that if any place was going to have it, it would be Whole Foods. It's just like old times again. Let me get the bottle opener…"

As April brushed past me to reach to a drawer, I caught her wrist. Her chest was nearly pressed against mine.

"They twist offs, actually," I told her.

She paused in her place for a moment and the close proximity between the two of us wasn't lost on me. I could feel her pulse thrumming beneath my fingertips from the particular grip on her wrist and see just a bit of heat in her cheeks. Had her pupils been that dark and wide a moment ago? I wet my lips subconsciously as I stared down at her for a long moment, breath caught in my chest. When was the last time she had been this close to me? It had certainly been those ten years ago when I had held her and kissed her on the front porch as if nothing else in the world mattered. I caught my gaze on her lips as I reflected back to it, unable to help myself.

The microwave suddenly went off as it finished with the edamame in the bag and I released her wrist quickly, clearing my throat and very obviously averting my gaze as I looked up at the ceiling of the kitchen. Standing around and thinking about kissing her in the kitchen wasn't going to go very far.

"I've got it," she murmured with flushed cheeks as she turned away from me and walked over to the microwave.

"Make sure that you get a second bowl for the empty pods," I reminded her.

"Got it." April chimed.

I moved all of the trays of sushi over to the table and grabbed two small bowls to pour the soy sauce in, placing the bottle on the center of the table between us. I twisted off the caps of the Coke bottles with my bare hand and set down two on the table as well. I thought that it had been clever, making that particular pick when it came to getting things for dinner tonight. But now it was only another reminder of just how good kissing her had been.

Both of us sat down at the table for a moment and I paused, staring at her again. This time, though, it was different than the last time When we were teenagers, she had always prayed before every meal and I had always paused to let her, even if I didn't join in. This was just another one of those moments.

"What?" She questioned s she looked at me with a smile cracking across her features.

"I'm waiting for you to pray," I answered simply.

"Oh," she huffed out. "Thank you."

Both her hands folded together in front of her with her elbows resting on the table and her head dipped forward so that her hair brushed past to the front side of her shoulders and hid parts of her face. I couldn't quite see most of her face but I could see the small movements of her lips. She'd always murmured to herself when she prayed like this. I was glad to see that hadn't changed. I kept my hands folded on my lap but I didn't bother to hide the fact that I was staring at her again. At least this time, she wasn't looking right back at me with those big eyes and soft lips just inches from mine, there was an entire table between us. A good thing.

Damn, maybe I was the one who needed to be praying for a little bit of forgiveness.

Thankfully, she wasn't a mind reader.

"I'm done now," she murmured as she raised her head up, shaking her hair back out of the way and picking up her chopsticks. "Thank you."

"Of course," I nodded my head as I picked up my own pair of chopsticks and reached for a piece of the nigiri. "You know that I don't mind." Shoulders shrugged as I dipped it into the soy sauce and tossed it into my mouth.

"I don't know how you can eat those things, they're gross." Noted. I chuckled as I chewed and swallowed, watching as she went for a more traditional California roll.

"They're healthy, low-calorie and lots of omega-3s," I told her.

"I know that." She nodded. "But they're still kind of gross." She reached for a piece of edamame, popping the soybeans into her mouth and tossing the empty pod into the bowl next to it. "I love the spicy ones. Or those crunchy rolls – I can't remember what they're actually called, but with all of the little things sprinkled on top." Her hand motioned as she spoke and I had to hold back a laugh, unable to help my smile.

Next time, I would get some of those.

"All of it is good stuff," I replied passively. "You just have to get accustomed to it."

"Sure," she smiled but I could tell there was a hint of ass there. "So, why did you break up with Sydney?"

I should have seen that question coming, definitely. She had always been a little bit on the nosy side of things and if we were back to being friends, then that was definitely coming my way. I couldn't tell her the truth – not the full truth, at least. I didn't want to put her in any kind of uncomfortable situation with living together and I didn't want to force her hand into breaking up with Riggs, either. I wanted her to realize on her own accord that he wasn't good enough for her and she deserved to be with someone a lot better than him.

"It just didn't feel right to be with her anymore," I answered a little more vague than what she probably wanted to hear. "I mean, I like her, don't get me wrong. And she's a good person. I think that you would like her too if you two got to know each other. But I knew the relationship between us wasn't something permanent and I think that she did, too. It was an easy breakup." Probably the easiest one that I had ever had.

"I guess that makes sense," April commented thoughtfully, pausing as she ate another piece of sushi. "I mean, it's good that you guys broke up so amicably. Especially since you work together."

"Yeah," I agreed with a quick nod. "What about you and Riggs?" I shifted the topic.

"What about us?" She asked, playing innocently.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. "I mean, you said that guys were taking a break. He chased on you and, trust me, Cristina… she's good as a surgeon, but she's nothing like you." That was putting it diplomatically. "What's going on in your head with that?"

"I don't know," April sighed, shaking her head. "I feel so stupid. I know that it's not my fault and that what he did is his decision, and you know what? It's not even Cristina's fault. She was in a relationship. It just… hurts that he would do that to me. I don't think that I deserved that. He said that he loves me but I feel like you just don't do that to the people that you love."

"Of course you don't." That much was obvious. "He probably just realizes how lucky he is that you put up with him in the first place and is trying to save his own ass." So much for staying in my own place.

"Maybe you're right.." April fell quiet for a moment and I took another piece of sushi.

It was quiet for a few seconds between the two of us and I let her consider my words without trying to push it any further. I wanted her to see the truth for what it was. April deserved someone who loved her, someone who would have never done that to her. Someone who would put her first, respect her beliefs for what they were, and never take advantage of some slimy opportunity just because it happened to present itself. She deserved the best that a man had to offer. I wanted to make sure that she got that, one way or another.

"I mean, you have time to make your decision about it if you guys are on a break." I couldn't help but wonder what his definition of a break was – if he'd find his way back to Cristina or someone else. It seemed way too likely. I didn't want her to have to hurt because of something like that, even if I knew that it happening again would only make it even more clear what she really needed to do. It was a selfish thought.

"Yeah, that's true. I don't know. I don't want to think about it." She waved it off as she ate.

I let the conversation go, despite the temptation to ask more.

Finishing up our meal, once everything had been consumed and the trash and dishes had been taken care of, there was still a little time before work. April helped me with getting some of the things unpacked. We'd have to share a bathroom, but that was fine – she didn't have her crap strewn across the counter like I would have expected with most girls. She was tidy and organized as always. She helped me make my bed with the sheets and hang up some of the clothes that I had brought over, practically refusing to leave my side even though we both had the opportunity to get a little more rest before work. Being around her so much made my cheeks nearly ache with a smile.


	5. Chapter 5

**_ APRIL _ **

Given that I had lived alone and paid rent by myself for the past three months, it was a welcome change of pace to have a roommate living with me again. At least, that was what I had thought for about the first four days of having Jackson sharing the apartment with me.

Then the clothes had started appearing.

That's how it had started. A jacket left on the back of the counter, then it was clothes left in the washer for twelve hours – I had slipped them after a while and put them in the dryer for him, thinking that he would be bashful about his forgetfulness and promise to correct the mistake going forward. But instead, the clothes had then been left in the dryer for another twenty-four hours. I hadn't been doing laundry myself but it hadn't gone past my attention. I didn't consider myself to be anal about cleaning, but I did like to maintain a nice environment and keep thins at least mostly straightened. Dishes weren't left in the sink, always put in the dishwasher to be run once it was full. Jackson didn't feel that way, apparently. Maybe it was my fault for not establishing ground rules right off the bat.

A few comments had been made about it but I was almost positive that they were too nice given that he hadn't seemed to pick up on the fact that it was bothering me. Boys will be boys. That's what my mother had always said about my father being a bit messier than she was, and she had put up with it throughout their entire marriage without complaint. I'd never understood then why that it was an excuse and I still didn't know.

Maybe this was why I had always had female roommates, consciously or subconsciously. Women just tended to take better care of their stuff than men did, or at least, had more of a guilty conscious about making other people's spaces messy.

Of course, I knew that enabling him and picking up after him wasn't going to fix the problem. I wanted to be his friend, his best friend, and even if friends helped each other out with that kind of thing… they also helped each other grow as a person. Which meant making sure that they made sure each other was acting like a grown adult and not taking advantage of each other's kindness. I was sure that he wasn't doing it consciously – he wasn't like Nathan. He'd always been a good guy, even if I knew his money occasionally made him oblivious to things.

"Hey, Jackson?" I called out from the living room, refolding the blanket I kept on the back of the couch. I could handle a lot of things. But dirty docks were just a pet peeve.

"What's up?" His voice called out down the hallway.

"Can you come here?" I requested.

There was silence for a moment and I took a deep breath before I could hear him shuffling down the hallway. He was shirtless which caught me off guard and I blinked in surprise, staring at him for a long moment as he waited for me to speak. Jackson was clearly comfortable around me. I certainly wasn't the type to walk around in my underwear for anyone and it always surprised me just a little bit when people were so comfortable with their body. But I guess when you were that attractive, it was probably hard not to be.

"Uh– you left your socks on the floor." I pointed at them crumbled on the floor as I spoke.

"Oh, sorry," Jackson responded nonchalantly as he bent down to pick them up, balling them up in his hand. I stared at him for a few more seconds as I waited for him to say something more.

Before I can help it, I blurt it out. "You're a little messy, you know?"

"Huh?" He stuttered out, blinking in surprise as he turned to look at me.

"You're messy. You leave stuff laying around and dishes in the sink and your clothes in the dryer." It'd only been two weeks living together and I felt guilty that I already had something to complain about. "When you leave stuff on the floor, the cat's going to get to it."

"Oh, sorry," he repeated his previous words. "Guess I got a little too used to living with Sydney."

Something about the words stung and my nose turned up slightly, taking a deep breath and trying to push off the negativity that it stirred up. I'd bumped into her a few times and she seemed perfectly pleasant, always friendly to me. There was nothing wrong with her. It was just a little weird to think that Jackson had been in a relationship with her for a while, lived with her, and then broken it off so… easily.

Maybe it was something that I envied.

Nathan had attempted to talk me a few days ago and I had pushed it off, all too relieved when his pager went off and pulled him into surgery. It was hard to decide how I felt about him cheating on me. The reasons seemed so trivial. Why was everything with men about sex?

But I couldn't keep dragging him on forever. Even though him cheating on me with someone that we both worked with was unfair and had certainly made things uncomfortable, it was unfair to continue dragging things along. I knew what Jackson thought about it. He had made his opinion on Nathan pretty clear from the beginning and he wanted me to break up with him. He thought that I was too good him and it's hard to decide if he was right. Truthfully, he had been surprisingly pushy about it.

The good thing about working as much as our residency required all of us to was that it was somewhat of a good distraction from it. As long as it wasn't putting me in a position where I was stuck with Cristina. She didn't show any remorse and… I wasn't sure whether she had to. After all, it was Nathan's fault more than it was her. But being with her made it hard to try to forget what was going on.

"Solo surgeries today!" If Bailey's words were supposed to show her excitement in the way that it would grab our attention, they don't. Instead, she's staring at all of us with a critical gaze as she handed out our new charts for the day.

"Septal myectomy, yes!" Yang celebrated. I wondered if Nathan was giving her good surgeries intentionally.

"What did you get?" I looked up at Jackson.

"Esophagectomy," he answered. That was a hard one. "What about you?"

"Whatever big trauma comes into the emergency room, apparently." That was all that it said, which meant that I needed to be prepared for anything. I wondered if it meant Hunt had accepted my presence in trauma. "It could be anything."

"Well, that's what you want, right?" Jackson asked and I nodded my head.

Another voice interjected. "Hah!" Alex. "Kepner didn't even get a real surgery."

"Back off, Alex," Izzie spoke. "You got a proctocolectomy. She might end up with the coolest one out of all of us."

A small smile tugged at the corners of my lips at the affirmation offered by the blonde. I didn't know her that well, but she had been kinder to me than anyone else in the group besides Jackson. It was nice to know that maybe I wasn't completely alone among the people that I was working with.

"Why are you all still standing around?" Bailey barked out at us. "You have work to do!"

Everyone scattered in differing directions immediately after her words, heading down to the E.R. with my assignment in mind. There was no way for me to prepare for surgery like the others would get to, but that was the point of being a trauma surgeon. I didn't get the luxury of sitting back and planning out what I was going to do. I had to think and act fast, I had to be the best. Otherwise, I wasn't going to be cut out for it. Keeping up for the past two weeks had been manageable but this was going to be the make it or break it kind of chance. I couldn't screw it up.

When chaos was brought in by paramedics, I'm prepared as I can be. It was an MVC, a family and a drunk driver rolling in. I'm a little grateful that it's the dad that I have to work on and not the cause of the accident. It makes it easier to pray for him as I scrub into surgery.

Blood was everywhere, no incisions necessary. There was damage both to the kidneys and the upper intestinal tract that had to be fixed, bleeders almost everywhere. Unit after unit of blood had to be hung. It's weird to be in charge and bossing everyone in the operating room around. It doesn't feel natural to me. But the rest of it did. Saving lives just felt right. It was what I was meant to do.

He lives.

It's a mixture of normal, human relief to hear that someone had pulled through a horrendous accident and just a little bit of ego that comes with being a doctor and surgeon in training. Even if I normally wasn't a proud person, it was something that was required for this job. You had to think highly of yourself to hold a human life in yours hands willingly.

"Yes!" I fist pumped to myself once I was clear of the O.R. and scrub room.

"Successful surgery?" Izzie's voice scared me and I jumped. "Sorry," she apologized.

"It's okay," I smiled. "Yeah, it was really good. How did yours go?"

"Good, so far," she answered. "Hopefully there won't be any kind of post-op complications but that's mostly what I have to worry about with mine. I'll have to wait and see."

The smile remained on my lips as I looked back at her, unsure what to say. I still didn't know her that well other than she was by far the nicest of the group. She was the only one who had been kind to me without a reason to be.

"Mer's patient died on the table and Cristina's still in there. Dr. Riggs is observing," she remarked slowly.

Chewing at the flesh on the inside of my cheek, I took a deep breath. Everyone knew now. I wasn't sure if it was Cristina or Jackson or someone else who had allowed the truth to come out and for the humiliation that had quickly followed, but the news was out there. I couldn't be embarrassed that she knew. Or at least, I couldn't act that way. I had to keep it together. I didn't want anyone to think that I was crazy.

"Things are still weird between you and him, huh?" Izzie observed.

"Yeah," I admitted, staring down at the ground. "I don't know what to do. Maybe it would be different if they didn't still work together. I couldn't bring myself to ask if it was a one-time thing."

"It wasn't." She answered. "Which is why I would break up with him. It's not fair to you."

Sighing, I shook my head to myself. "Really?" I asked.

"Yeah," Izzie nodded. "No one deserves to be treated that way by anyone, no matter how good they might seem on the outside. If they can do that to you not just one time, but multiple times… they do not need to be in a relationship with you and you don't need to lower yourself to them." Her words were admittedly similar to Jackson's, but it sounded different from an outside female perspective. "I would have dumped him right off the bat and made sure he knew what he had lost."

"You might be right," I sighed out. "It just feels like a very... I don't know. It makes feel mean." As if him cheating on me hadn't been enough to earn that. "He told me loved me when we fought about it."

"It sounds like he was trying to cover his own ass," she pointed out. "Listen, you seem like a good and nice person… I'm sure you'll do the right thing. Just don't let being a good person get you into more trouble."

"Thanks," I smiled at her.

I watched her blonde ponytail swish from side to side as she walked away from me to get back to work. I needed to do the same yet hesitated, eyes scanning the O.R. board. Karev was already done with his surgery and so was Meredith based on what Izzie had said. That meant it was Jackson and Cristina left inside of the O.R.s still. Cristina with Nathan.

Maybe Izzie was right and I was going too easy on him. I knew that if I told most people about what he had done, they probably would have given similar advice. No one else in the resident group had brought it up beside her and Jackson, probably to prevent too much blatant fighting. They seemed to not mind picking on me that much, but I don't think they wanted an opportunity for me to fight back against them and this would have been a pretty easy one. I sighed. Izzie and Jackson were both right. I was being too nice.

Fate seemed to be pressing forward, one way or another.

The door to OR 1 swung open and I glanced up as Nathan walked out the other side. My gaze dropped to the floor as he looked at me and I let out a sigh. Life was offering me a chance to get it out of the way while it was on my mind and I needed to handle it.

"Hey, Keps," he greeted as he walked up to me.

"Hi." I shifted my weight from side to side. "Can we talk? Uh, privately, please?"

"Of course, c'mere," he nodded and grabbed my arm by the elbow, guiding me over to one of the empty supply rooms just down the hallway. "What's up?" He asked once the door was shut behind me.

My stomach sank.

"I want to break up. I… we're breaking up." Trying not to stutter, I took a deep breath after forcing the words out of my mouth. "You cheated on me and I thought that I could forgive you, but I can't. Not while we're all here, working under the same building, I cannot get past that. So it's over between us." There's not the amount of strength behind the words that I would like there to be, but the words manage to come out all the same. That was the important part. I watched his expression sink as the words settled upon him.

"Seriously?" Nathan questioned as he stepped forward. "After making me wait around, you want to break up?" His brows furrowed. "I thought that just meant that you needed time to get over it."

"I–I thought that too at the beginning, and for that, I'm sorry." The apology came out with a stutter and I cringed internally, taking a step back and reaching for the knob on the door. I didn't want this to be a long conversation. I didn't know how to make it one other than just… saying it. "But it's over."

"April–" he grabbed my arm as I tried to step out of the room and I turned back to face him.

"Wha–" I don't get a chance to get my question out.

Lips pressed against mine and I tensed in surprise. Nathan had bent down to meet me before I could run away from him and his hand cupped my face to hold me in place. I didn't return the kiss, but I was too stunned to pull away from his initially. His mouth assaulted mine for a moment longer before I placed my hands on his chest and tried to push him away from me with little success.

"Hey!"

Jackson's loud shout carried down the hallway and turned heads from everyone.

"Let go of her!" He continued.

There was a small pause before Nathan finally pulled back and away from me to look at Jackson. I had never seen him look so angry before as he stormed toward the both of us with absolute fury in his eyes, daggers directed. Nathan's hands were still on me, one of my waist and one of my face.

Then neither hand is.

Nathan hit the wall seconds after Jackson threw a punch, nailing him square in the jaw. I gasped out, both hands flying up to cover my mouth. The anger was palpable and yet I had never seen that coming. Jackson hadn't struck me as the violent type and yet Nathan hadn't struck me as the type to kiss me without permission, let alone while I was trying to push him away from me. Nothing in the past sixty seconds made any sense to me.

"Jackson!" I screamed at him, unsure what else to do.

"He can't do that to you!" He countered.

Before I had a chance to say anything else, Nathan staggered forward and swung back at Jackson, clipping the bottom of his jaw with his fist. I watched in horror at the quick turn of Jackson's head from the brute force of the hit before pushing myself between the two of them, shoving my hands at their chest and trying to force them apart.

"No, no!" I yelled.

"Dr. Riggs, Dr. Avery!" Dr. Webber's voice boomed down the hallway to command everyone's attention. "What the hell do you two think that you're doing? Starting a damn fight, in my hospital?"

"Riggs was forcing himself upon April." Jackson defended himself quickly.

"I–" Nathan began and Webber cut him off without any hesitation.

"April, is this true?" He asked.

I froze with the spotlight suddenly turned upon me and I could feel my cheeks burning red, hands shaking. All of the confidence that had been gifted to me in the operating room after a successful surgery had disappeared completely, stuck like a deer in headlights. My mouth opened but no noise came out at first.

"April?" Webber questioned again, still staring down at me. "Is it true?"

"I–" Technically, yes. The way Jackson worded it made it sound worse than I thought it really was. "I don't think this is a good place to talk about it." I stuttered.

"April," Jackson stand my name defensively. "Just tell the truth."

"She's my girlfriend," Nathan interrupted. "And this is none of your business, Dr. Avery, it doesn't matter if the two of you are living together now."

"I am not your girlfriend." Something about his words triggered something inside of me that was a little more willing to stand up for myself. "I tried to break up with Dr. Riggs and he didn't respond to it very… fondly." I explained, looking up at Dr. Webber. "And yes, he did kiss me and I tried to push him away. Jackson yelled and stopped him. I'm… I'm sure there's a video that corroborates it." Drifting my gaze along the hallway, I could stop the cameras there. Proof, beyond my word. I knew the world had a bad habit of not listening to its women.

Dr. Webber sighed. "I wish you people would learn to keep your personal lives at home instead of bringing it into the workplace," he complained. "We'll review for the video. For now, I think it's a good idea for all three of you to go home."

"You have got to be kidding me," Nathan complained.

"Not even a little," Webber replied. "All three of you, go home and get here early in the morning. We'll review the tapes today and go over the consequences tomorrow."

Consequences?

"Let's go," Jackson murmured, placing his hand on my shoulder gently.

Nodding my head gently, I walked with Jackson down the hallway and tried to ignore the fact that there were still people staring at us. Really, both of them should have gotten checked out to make sure that there was nothing wrong with either one of them, but I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

His arm was around my shoulders and keeping me close to him, and I don't pull away, holding onto the hand that was resting on my shoulder. So much for hearing about how everyone's solo surgeries got to go, and maybe even getting to brag a little about how successful my own had gone. I had felt so good about it and now I wanted nothing more than to hide away from everyone who worked in the hospital. I had already learned how quickly word could travel around here, and I was sure that this was no exception.

"I should drive. Just in case…" I murmured as we reached his car, holding out my hand for his keys.

"Might still be safer with me behind the wheel," he remarked but handed them over to me.

"That's not funny." I pointed out, shaking my head slightly.

Other than the quiet radio station playing in the background, the two of us were both completely silent as we drove home. Without any early morning or rush hour traffic, it was a quick drive back to the apartment complex that I lived in. I parked and got out, watching him walk carefully to make sure that nothing seemed off with the way that he was carrying himself.

The apartment door slammed shut behind both of us. It's my fault. I put just a little too much force into it, my frustration with what had just happened in the hospital coming out in a much more physical form than I expected. I wasn't the type of person who got physically angry. I cried or maybe yelled, but I didn't take it out on other people physically. I didn't throw punches in the hospital hallway. Not like Jackson, or Nathan, apparently. Jackson had been defending my honor. Nathan had been defending himself. Maybe that was where the difference between the two of them laid.

"I… I can't believe what you did." Or could I?

"I wasn't going to let him treat you like that, April." Jackson defended as he turned back to face me, his arms folding in front of his chest. "You can't let him do that, either."

"Well, I wasn't trying to, but pushing him away isn't quite the same as yelling and punching him in the face." Granted, it hadn't worked. That shouldn't have been some kind of buttress for his point, not my own. I wasn't sure what point I was trying to make.

"I'm sorry if I scared you, April, but you have to learn to stand up for yourself. You didn't know how to then and… I hoped by now maybe you would." He had a much clearer one than I did.

"You could get in trouble, Jackson." I reminded him, biting at my lower lip.

A noisy sigh escaped from his lips. I could tell that he was frustrated that I was avoiding the point and maybe he had a right to be. He certainly would if he ended up getting in trouble over this. He had been defending me but he had punched a superior in the face. I wasn't sure how that was going to fly over with Dr. Webber and the others. I didn't know any of them well enough to be able to predict how that was going to go. Jackson probably had a better idea of it than I did.

"I doubt it," he disagreed with a shake of his head. "But even if I do, it's worth it to protect you." Jackson pointed out.

"I don't want you getting in trouble because of me," I shook my head.

"Did you really break up with him?" He asked with his eyebrows raising.

I nodded my head. "Yeah," I breathed out. "I… I talked to Izzie some and she helped me be able to wrap my head around everything. She was right. You both were, I mean. What she said wasn't all that different from the stuff that you had already told me but I guess I needed an objective third party to be able to really hear it," I explained.

"Then it's worth it, even if I got in trouble," Jackson concluded simply. "He was acting like a pissed off teenager and I'm not going to let him take that out on you."

"I appreciate that, but…" I shook my head, not sure where I was going with this. "I'm gonna go lay down, okay? I just need to think."

Silence. I needed silence.

"Okay," he agreed with a nod of his head. "I uh, I'll figure out dinner tonight, alright?"

"Thank you." I murmured.

Retreating back to the solitude of my bedroom, I shut the door behind me. Toeing off my sneakers and sliding my jacket off my shoulders, I collapsed on top of my duvet and shut my eyes, taking a few deep breaths.

It was too easy to replay the incident in my mind. Jackson yelling and the sound of his fist hitting Nathan in the face, my own gasp. The shock on Nathan's face was predictable but even the anger that resulted from being hit didn't compare to the utter rage that Jackson had come at him with. I can hear the same sound again when he swung back at my best friend and hit him. It was a good thing that Webber's voice and presence were as commanding as they were. Things could have gotten a lot worse.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to force the image away from my head. I reached over to grab my headphones and plugged them into my phone, quickly pressing play on the last song that I had paused. It was in the middle of one of Taylor Swift's album and I turned it up, effectively blocking out the rest of the world and trying to mute some of my other senses for the moment so I could lose focus. Guys didn't fight over girls like me. I was always a bit of a plain Jane, the girl next door, nothing fancy. Good but not the best. I didn't even know if this qualified as being fought over, but it certainly felt like it in a weird way. Jackson had some short-lived girlfriends in high school if you could even call them that, but he had never done anything like that before.

I wondered what it really meant.

It was hard to say. I didn't want to make too much of it, but he was also the same person who constantly reminded me that I usually had the opposite problem. I undervalued myself habitually.

Falling asleep doesn't occur to me consciously, nor is it my intention. It's not until my room was darker than it had been before and I could hear the rain over the music playing in my ears – no longer Taylor Swift, but instead, some random related artist that Spotify had queued up once the album I was listening to have been finished completely. An hour had passed without me even realizing it.

"Ugh…" I groaned as I pulled the headphones out of my ears and paused the music, sitting up slowly and rubbing some of the sleep out of my eyes. Rain had begun to fall outside. Typical Seattle.

Getting up and moving to the bathroom, I splash some water on my face to freshen myself up. It was still a little early for dinner, but Jackson and I hadn't quite finished talking about what had happened earlier with Nathan. It wasn't that he had done something wrong. He hadn't, not really. I just couldn't determine how I felt about it, or why it was so hard for me to wrap my head around what had happened. He had always been protective over me, telling people to back off in high school, keeping an eye out for me with other girls. That was normal for him. It just felt different this time and I couldn't place why.

Opening up my bedroom door, I could hear the television in the living room on some football game. I reflexively rolled my eyes. He had loved playing football in high school. I'd gone and learned how to understand the game just because of him. And of course, every time he got hit hard, I had freaked out. Like today.

"Hey…" I started, my voice coming out quieter than I intended as I looked around.

The entire apartment was spotless. There was no sign of dirty clothes or random items left about, the kitchen counters had clearly been wiped down and there were no dishes in the sink, and I could hear the quiet sound of the dishwasher running – near the end of its cycle, likely. Everything had been dusted or wiped down and straightened up. I blinked in surprise as I took in how clean our apartment suddenly was, and honestly, the fact that I had nothing to do with it. It was a bit cleaner than how I would have straightened up on the weekends, everything that needed to be done already done.

I guess he hadn't blown off what I had said.

"You cleaned up." I smiled at him fondly, arms folding in front of my ribcages. It's not shyness this time, just trying to contain a little bit of happiness.

"I did," Jackson looked over his shoulder and smiled up at me.

"Thank you…" I wondered over to him from behind the couch and bent down to wrap my arms around his shoulders and hug him just like that, my chin resting on top of his head. "I appreciate it."

"I thought you would," he admitted and patted my forearm. "I wanted to apologize for earlier and figured this might be a good way to soften you up a bit. I forgot how anal you could be to live around," he teased.

"I'm not anal," I replied. "But you did soften me up."

Jackson placed a kiss on one of the freckles on my arm and caught me by surprise. I could feel my cheeks warm with the same blush that they had earlier, but this time it's the good kind, the kind that I don't mind feeling. It ran more than just on my cheeks, warming my heart in a special way that I hadn't felt in a long time.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to get you into any trouble or any more drama or gossip around the hospital," he apologized. His hand continued to rub along my arm soothingly.

"It's okay." I murmured. "I get it. Or at least, I'm… trying to get it." I blinked a few times, lips twisting in a frown.

"There's not a whole lot that I wouldn't do for you," he reminded me.

"Why'd you do it?" I asked.

"I saw you pushing him away. Or try to," Jackson began to explain, taking a deep breath. "But it just set something off in me, seeing that. You know, all those years, I worried… a girl like you going into the rest of the world. Soft, kind, beautiful. I worried that there were going to be guys who wanted to take advantage of that and that part of me just came rearing back to the surface when I saw it. I didn't want it to happen to you in high school or college, and I don't want it anymore now."

Falling silent for a few seconds, I swallowed his words. Beautiful. He'd never called me that before. When we were young, he had always told me that I was pretty and never let me insult my own appearance despite the many times that I had tried. But this felt different. A much fuller compliment.

"I'm not going to let them get you in any kind of trouble. I won't." I assured him. "I promise."


	6. Chapter 6

**_ JACKSON _ **

It's hard to say whether or not I get lucky.

The early morning meeting between myself, Dr. Webber, and Dr. Riggs is kept brief. The security cameras in the hallway validate exactly what April and myself had said when I had gone at him swinging. Granted, it also showed that just yelling at him probably would have been enough and I didn't necessarily need to speak with my fists as much as I had. But it's a slap on the wrist. Riggs has a shiner on his eye that wasn't going to disappear quite as easily as he probably wanted it to. Maybe I'm just a little bit too proud to see that there, but it wasn't like he didn't deserve it. If I was sure of anything, it was that. He had damn well earned that.

There is a verbal slap on the wrist about not letting my anger get the best of me, but I'm not worried about that in the future going forward. This was a one-time occurrence of range and protectiveness that circled around her. I was pretty sure of that much.

Very predictably, the word about what happened between Riggs, April, and myself traveled around the hospital completely by the time that we're all at work the next day. If I couldn't hear the whispers about everything that had gone down and of course, the natural way that gossip twisted things to sound more dramatic, then I could feel the stares from nurses and orderlies as I made my way through the hospital. It was hard to know whether they thought I or he was right – he had been here a lot longer than I had, he was an attending and I was just a resident. Riggs pretty much had all of the pull that he could have wanted with this kind of situation and I had none of it, just the truth. But for some people, that didn't always mean a whole lot. Stories were often better than reality to spread.

Hopefully, both of us would just be able to keep our head down and make it through the day. Once the bruising on his face had gone down some, it would be a lot easier to forget. I figured none of the three of us was going to forget about it any time soon, but I was already ready for it to die down from the hospital gossip and it had barely even begun. I had never been a fan of any kind of gossip, even if admittedly, I had never actually tried to stop it from happening.

Elevator doors open with a ding as it reached the burn unit floor, and I let out a breath of relief. Even if the nurses here might keep up with the gossip, they would at least be courteous enough to not do it when I was around. Sloan would just confront me directly about it, and well, there wasn't a lot of busyness on this floor aside the two of us coming and going. Fortunately, since Karev had lost interest in plastics, and well, Sloan hadn't been interested in teaching him in the first place… this was a nice place to get away from everyone else when I needed to.

"Glad to see you're not carrying around one of those shiners, Avery. Doesn't look good for plastics." Mark remarked with a chuckle, clapping me on the shoulder.

"Very funny," I replied with a roll of my eyes.

"Hey, I'm one-hundred percent serious." He said but there was still a clear hint of amusement in his eyes. "Gotta keep the faces around here nice and pretty. Although, I guess the ladies wouldn't mind hearing that you got it defending your girlfriend. Probably just make them fawn over you even more."

"April isn't my girlfriend." Now. Anymore? "She's just a friend." I clarified quickly.

Mark snorted in disbelief. "You sure don't act like she's just a friend," he pointed out. "You moved in with her the second that you broke up with Sydney and now you're going around, throwing punches at anyone who's touching her. That definitely sounds like something you'd do for a girlfriend, not just a friend. You can't deny that." I could and would, actually.

"It doesn't matter what it sounds like," I sighed out. "We're just friends."

"Why the push to suddenly live together and the punch then?" Mark asked.

"Because I needed somewhere else to live and I saw Dr. Riggs throwing himself at her when she very clearly didn't want it." I folded my arms in front of my chest. "Anyone should have done the exact same thing if they saw it."

"Well, I didn't take Riggs as being that kind of asshole – but I guess you're not wrong about that." He remarked. "You still treat her like a girlfriend, though."

"I don't." I countered.

That much was true as far as I was concerned, at least. I wasn't treating her like a girlfriend. If the two of us were together, I would have treated her like a goddamn queen because it was exactly what she deserved. Dates, farmer's markets, all of the kind of stuff that she liked – I would have made up for the ten years that we hadn't known each other and given enough memories to fill all of that time. But there's no sense in getting into that history, or lack of history, between us with everyone else. It wouldn't have refuted what he thought.

"You do." The insistence continued. "You realize everyone thinks you're together, right?"

"What?" I questioned.

"Yeah. I mean, you can't pull a stunt like that and have people think otherwise." Mark shrugged. "Everyone's talking about the two of you banging."

A sigh pushed out. "We're not." My hand came up and pinched the bridge of my nose.

"You say that now, but the way that the two of you are acting, definitely seems like it's going to end up there…" he commented, amused with a shake of his head. It's not like I would've hated that. No, the exact opposite was true. I wanted that. But it was frustrating to have it being talked about so casually, just another round of gossip when it wasn't the truth.

"Again, we're just friends and roommates." I clarified, clearing my throat. "Isn't there some work to do? Or do I need to go scour the E.R. for a case?" I questioned, shifting topics quickly.

"No, come on, there's plenty to do up here," Mark replied.

Relieved to no longer have to talk about that with him, I put on a clean gown and a pair of gloves and follow him into the room to get focused on working. There was enough to do and talk about that I don't have to worry completely about him harassing me over April.

Of course, the two of us did spend a lot of time together. Mark's warning – or advice? – doesn't stop that.

There was an ounce of truth to the suggestions that he had made about the two of us certainly seemed like we were together, whether I wanted to admit it out loud to Mark or anyone else. We did act like it and it had gone beyond just the two of us living together. We went to the grocery store together, the movies together – pretty much everything we did had the two of us attached at the hip again, just like when we were kids growing up together except this time there was no need for any kind of outside supervision. Falling back into old habits had happened too easily and without thinking. It doesn't occur to me that it was anything other than ordinary merely because the two of us had always been this attached at the hip from the beginning.

It doesn't really occur to me until the two of us are stretched out across the couch together with our living room decorated for the fall season, legs tangled together and a Charlie Brown Halloween movie playing on the television that it seemed like there was a lot of truth behind the rumors. I didn't know if April had heard all of them.

I don't have to doubt that for long.

The seven of us were gathered around one too small table outside, trying to enjoy the fact that it was sunny outside for once and there wasn't a sign of rain in the sky even if we had to bundle up in jackets. We barely all fit together and we were all elbow to elbow, April's thigh pressed right up against mine as she sat pressed against me. She was on the end of the bench and I wanted to make sure that she wasn't at a risk of falling off. Beneath the table and sight of where everyone could see, my arm was wrapped around my waist and resting on her hip, ensuring that she stayed right there.

"Jesus, could you two be any closer?" Reed remarked, eyeing the two of us.

"We're all this close," I pointed out with a furrowed brow, motioning around the table with my fork before shoving pasta into my mouth.

"Yeah, but we're not screwing." Karev snorted loudly. Meredith and Cristina both laughed.

"Neither are we." April's voice jumped up an octave.

"Neither are we," Cristina mocked her pitch and timbre, making a face.

I rolled my eyes, chewing and swallowing. "Some people are actually capable of sleeping in the same house and not with each other. Not sure the rest of you know about that." I chimed in.

"Well, maybe one of you would lighten up if that was the case," Meredith said.

"Be nice, guys." Izzie chimed in as the honorable and neutral voice of reason, falling into that role quite easily. It seemed like the more stressed that the rest of us got because of work, the more that she had to fall into that role and make sure the rest of us didn't tear out each other's hair.

"Jackson and I are just friends," April stated firmly, straightening her spine. "A boy and a girl can live together and just be friends. It's not impossible. It is super possible."

"Maybe if one of them is a nun," Karev mumbled with a roll of his eyes.

"Or a virgin," Reed smirked. There's a slight pause before she yelped in pain. "April! Jesus, don't kick me." My head turned toward her quickly in surprise.

"You're a virgin?" Meredith questioned with wide eyes. "Makes sense."

"What does that mean?" April replied quickly, her own hazel eyes almost comedically wide.

"Explains the stick up your ass." Cristina looked far too amused with the turn of events. "I don't know how Jackson hasn't popped that cherry of yours, because you desperately need it."

April's cheeks were almost as red as her hair and she was at a loss for words.

"This isn't funny," I spoke up, voice a little louder and trying to demand attention.

"Says the guy who's probably bitter he hasn't slept with her yet." Karev interrupted.

"Again, not funny," I said quickly.

"Jackson's right, guys, it's not," Izzie spoke up firmly. "You all get tired when people do nothing more than talk about who you've been sleeping around with, so why do we do it in our group? It's not fair to each other. Meredith, Cristina, you were both sick and tired of it when no one would stop talking about the two of us sleeping with attendings." She reminded them.

"At least we were sleeping with someone," Meredith mumbled under her breath.

Before the conversation can progress any further or get heated, the sound of pagers going off stopped all of us as we paused to check who's was actually going off. Mine, April, and Cristina's. I was glad that at least the two of us were getting out of there.

It was a partial building collapse that demanded all of our attention. Cristina was in a surgery separate from April and mine, and I was relieved for that much. Hunt seemed to have taken a liking to April – or at least some kind of trust had been established between the two of them because he was comfortable enough to let her take the lead of the surgery without an attending in the room. It was just us and some of the scrub nurses taking care of the patient's injuries. That meant the two of us would actually be able to talk freely.

Neither one of us brings it up initially. As we scrub in and get the patient on the table between us, we move pretty easily around one each other with what we have to work on. Even in a case like this, the two of us managed to be pretty in sync though hour specialties couldn't have been more different. Chaos was her specialty. Making perfection was mine.

"Do they really all… think that?" April asked so quietly that I nearly didn't hear her.

"What?" I questioned.

"I mean, I don't know… do you think they hate me?" She glanced up at me briefly.

"No, it's not that," I shook my head quickly, making eye contact with her briefly before focusing on the patient again. "They don't hate you. They just don't like change, and… none of them want to be the weakest link. They think it's you because they haven't seen you in the O.R. like I have," I offered up. "I don't think any of them, except for maybe Izzie, are used to being around genuinely good people. They're all jaded."

"Yeah," she breathed out in quiet agreement at the end of my statement. "Jaded is a good word to describe it." She murmured, shaking her head. "I don't know. It's hard to wrap my head around, I guess. Everything feels so awkward now and I thought Reed was my friend."

"She still is, I think," I offered up optimistically. "She just wants to fit in, that's all. She doesn't have a best friend who's from this hospital." I suggested.

"I'm lucky to have you." The crinkle around her eyes made it clear she smiled beneath her mask.

"I'm the lucky one." I smiled back at her.

The two of us focus on the patient on the table after that and she seemed a little lighter now, some of the tension that was previously in her shoulder having sunk away. It takes a couple of hours hunched over the table but the patient managed not to code again and gets transferred to the ICU for a few days of stay there while he recovered from the surgery.

Rounds have to be done on all of our patients again before we could go home for the day. The burn unit is quiet which only meant that no one was being worked on – there were some things that we merely couldn't do anything for between the combination of human anatomy and what medical technology we didn't yet have. It was a painful wing of the hospital to have to stay in. I make sure that everyone is straightened up and taken care of for the night before heading back to the post-op rooms to check on a few other patients that I had there. I pass by Karev and Cristina, resisting making a comment to them about earlier. They manage to do the same. That was probably a good thing. Riggs' black eye was barely gone and I didn't need to get into any more trouble.

Granted, not getting into more trouble shouldn't have been my top priority. I knew that. It still was, though. Avoiding Dr. Riggs like the plague did help that quite a bit. It was probably better for both of us.

Given that my interest in cardio had died rather quickly upon actually starting my surgical residency and getting a hand in things beyond the legacy of my last name, it's not so bad. it's only running through the E.R. and the post-op rooms that I have to worry about him, but usually, Cristina dealt with things on the latter. April didn't blame her, so I had talked myself out of blaming her, too.

Most of the time, at least. It's harder when she was cruel to April.

"Oh, god–" A female voice swore.

A face hit my chest as I rounded a corner, tearing my gaze away from my phone screen before I realized that it was Stevens running face first into me.

"Shit," I swore under my breath. "Sorry, Izzie." I apologized.

"No worries, I wasn't paying attention either," the blonde brushed off my apology quickly with a wave of her hand. "I take it yours and April's surgery went well?" She questioned with a raise of her brows.

"Yeah," I nodded my head and motioned to the room that the patient was currently still sedated in. "He'll need a couple more days to recover here but he should be fine overall," I answered. "He got pretty lucky. If that beam had fallen a little bit higher, it would have completely crushed his sternum and killed him on the spot."

"That's good," Izzie nodded. "Couldn't have had better timing, too, with the way that lunch was going." A slight chuckle slipped past her lips conversationally but I knew that she didn't find it funny either.

Sighing, I nodded my head in agreement and ran my hand over my face and the back of my head. "Yeah. Seems like they really like going after April like that." That was putting it mildly. I did my best to defend her and she was getting little more vocal about standing up for herself, too, but it never stopped them from trying in the first place.

"You really care about her, don't you?" Izzie asked.

"Yeah, I do," I answered honestly. She was probably the only other person that I could really be open with, without the worry of some kind of backlash. "We've known each other since we were in diapers, pretty much. She was my best friend growing up and I didn't get to be that to her for years. She hasn't told me a lot about it, but it seems like she kind of had a rough time during those years and… I just want to make up for it and make sure that she doesn't have to deal with any of that kind of stuff again." I explained, giving a slight shrug of my shoulders and tucking my hands into the pockets of my lab coat.

She placed her hand on my arm and rubbed it gently. "I can tell," she admitted. "And I think the others can, too. That's why they all think that the two of you are together. Honestly, I kind of suspected that you might have been and you just didn't want to tell anyone about it. I wouldn't blame you if you were – especially after all of the nasty stuff that happened with Dr. Riggs."

"Yeah," I breathed out. I hadn't even thought about what might happen id her and I went public in relation to Dr. Riggs. The breakup was clean now, even if it hadn't been amicable on his end. Certainly not in the way that Sydney and mine had been. "It'd just be nice if they wouldn't harass her about it."

"They'll get bored of it soon," she offered up with a shrug of her shoulders.

"Fingers crossed." I nodded in agreement. "And thank you. For sticking up for both of us and being a good friend to her. I know that she appreciates that." I smiled down at her.

"I don't mind," Izzie said. "April's not. I mean, don't get me wrong, Mer and Cristina are still my friends. We've all been through too much together for them not to be my friends and they were there for me through the stuff with Denny. But April's nice. She's different from the two of them and a lot more like me. And I like that."

"You guys are quite a bit alike," I agreed with a chuckle. "It's definitely a good thing. We could use more nice people."

"Well, we do what we can." She chuckled in response. "I've got to go check on a few more patients. Have a good night, Avery."

"Alright, you too," I replied with a social nod of my head.

I really was grateful that April had managed to find a friend in Izzie because of how alike the two of them were. Truthfully, before the hospitals had merged and she had ended up here, I hadn't thought a lot about the blonde. Because she was nice and a little more on the passive end, she hadn't stuck out quite as much next to Meredith and Cristina. Sure, I'd always known that she was nice and good at what she did, even if the thing with Denny and the LVAD wire had been nothing short of absolutely insane.

But I guess that we had all done a few crazy things.

Once I was done checking up on all of my patients for the night, I headed downstairs to the lobby. April and I had driven separately to work this morning because she had an extra early morning for rounds for some reason – I was pretty sure that she had told me this morning, but I had still been half asleep and hadn't actually picked up on much of what she was saying other than coffee was in the pot already.

Dark had already fallen on the drive home but the lights of the apartment are still on when I pull into the parking lot, easy to see from the street. It wasn't actually that late, it was just the fact that we hadn't hit the time change yet and now things were always dark when we finished work.

Pulling into my parking spot and shifting the gear of the car from drive into park, I sit there for a moment and stare up at the window. I can't see her or a shadow of her silhouette there, which just meant that she wasn't in the kitchen at the moment. There wasn't a lot that you could actually see in, which was something that I knew she liked. But I sat there and waited for some hint of life regardless of it being unlikely. I couldn't get my mind off of all of the harassing that I'd dealt with – not just today from the rest of the surgical residents, but even a couple of weeks ago from Mark. That hadn't been the only comment that he had made about April and I theoretically being together. He had made plenty of comments to me which were definitely in the realm of harassment, which was just kind of his signature. As long as April didn't overhear them, I didn't let any of it bother me.

But all of them, they kind of had a point.

April and I already lived together and did pretty much everything together even though our time at work was split between the different specialties that we had chosen. Physically, we were very comfortable. We didn't hold hands like we had when we were younger, but there were nights where she fell asleep on the couch with her head on my lap and used me as a pillow. I had carried her to bed. And there had been nights where I had wanted nothing more than to get in it with her. Fuck, I was still completely and utterly in love with her.

Grabbing my bag from the passenger seat, I let out a sigh as I got out of the car and locked it, heading upstairs to join her. It's not like it was a surprise that I was in love with her. The only real question was if I had ever actually stopped, or if I had just buried it so deep inside that I had managed to convince myself I had.

"Hey," I called out as I walked in, shutting and locking the door behind me.

"Hey," her voice carried easily across the apartment. "You're later than I thought you'd be."

"Sorry," I apologized with a shrug. "Didn't realize the time had gotten away from me."

Dropping my keys on the table in the foyer and setting my bag on the floor, I took a deep breath. The candles must have been lit already given the smell of pumpkin already wafting through the hospital. Fall had been her favorite season when we were young and Halloween had always been my favorite holiday – hers was Christmas, I assumed that much hadn't changed.

"Smells nice," I commented as I shrugged off my jacket and hung it up before joining her in the living room. Law and Order: SVU was playing, a rerun from one of its many seasons more than likely. She always had some kind of background noise going, whether it was music or some television show that she had seen a hundred times. Like this one.

"Thanks." Her hands were wrapped around a mug of something dark. "It's my favorite Yankee Candle."

Joining her on the couch, I lifted up her feet before setting them back down on my lap and leaning against the arm of the chair. I propped my head up with my arm and elbow so that I could turn to old at her, mostly uninterested in whatever monologue was being delivered on the screen. As much as I don't mind reruns, most of the episodes were the same to me – someone got hurt, Benson was a badass, and the other characters blurred together more or less.

"So, today was kind of a day, huh?" I prompted her.

"Yeah," April agreed without hesitation. "I… I don't even know what to say to them sometimes, to be honest," she murmured. "They like to push my buttons and it seems like no matter what I do to try and be friends with them or to try and make them like me, they just keep doing it." Her head shook with frustration.

"Maybe you shouldn't try so hard," I shrugged one shoulder. "They're going to keep doing what they're doing no matter what you do. Till they get bored of it, at least. Just… be true to who you are and they'll come round eventually, you know? I did."

"Well, you're actually one of the good ones," she poked my stomach with her foot gently. "You're different."

I chuckled. "I'm not, really," I disagreed. "I've just known you for a lot longer. That's all."

"No, you're one of the good ones." I set my hand on her foot as she spoke. "You really are. I don't know what I would do here without you, to be honest. A merger is hard enough on its own and so many people got fired and I know that you weren't exactly thrilled to see me at first but I'm really happy with how things have played out, Jackson. Having you back in my life like this again is wonderful." A smile rested on April's lips as she looked at me, beaming at me as if I was the most magical thing in the world. I wasn't. She was.

"Pretty sure that's half of the reason that they tease you, though," I reminded her gently. "Because they think that the two of us are sneaking around behind closed doors."

If only that was what we were actually doing.

"That's…" she started to speak and shook her head, waving her hand as if to dismiss the topic. "I don't know. It seems like sex and relationships are the only things that they think about when we have a lot of other stuff that we should all be worried about given that we're trying to find and define our careers right now, you know? I don't know how that's the only thing that they manage to focus on. Even when I was with Nathan, I wasn't like that."

"You've always been smarter than everyone else." I reminded her with a pointed look, grabbing both of her feet between my hands and giving them a gentle little squeeze. "And wiser, too."

"That's so not true," she said with a laugh.

"Yes, it is." I countered with a huff of my own laughter. "You're the smartest person that I know."

Her eyes rolled at me and I watched with amusement, unable to hide my own smile on my features as I did so. April had never been good at receiving compliments even though I had been trying to get that little bit of her to change as long as I knew her. She was stubborn, most of the time in the best of ways, but this was one exception. I wished that she would give herself more credit.

"Well, I already know what you think about me." She stated declaratively. If only she really knew the truth. "I just wish there was a way to try and shake up what they think about me. Get them out of all of their preconceived notions."

"Does it bother you?" I questioned, brow furrowing. "That they think we're together?"

"No, that doesn't," she clarified. "Not at all."

"What if we were?" I blurt it out before I could talk myself out of it or before she could change the topic.

Doing it quickly and impulsively was the only way that I would be able to get the question out of me in the first place. It would be easy to ignore it for even longer and not put myself out in the open like this. Being emotionally vulnerable was something that I had learned to do with her and then unlearned in her absence, buried myself in ignoring how I really felt and keeping my chin up on the day-to-day. She would be capable of seeing through it at some point or another, I knew that. It was just a matter of whether she would pick up on it first, or whether I would cave first. Tonight, it was the latter. That was a rarity. I had to follow through on this. There could be no going back now.

"What?" April questioned, brows furrowed as she looked back at me.

"What if we were together? Secretly or not – just, together, you and me?" I asked.

"Wha…" she stared at me with wide eyes as she tried to comprehend what I had said, even though I had made it as clear as I could. At least, as clear as I could without blurting out every little feeling that I had for her. "What exactly are you asking me, Jackson?" She was tenser with her confusion, no longer laying back but instead sitting forward, leaning toward me.

I took a deep breath. It was too late to try and bury down the rush of feelings that she brought upon me. I knew in my heart that I wanted her, that she was my other half on some kind of spiritual level – even that stuff was more her area than mine.

"You're my best friend, April. My favorite person." I expressed earnestly. "I loved you then, more than anything else in the world, more than I think I even knew. And now with all of these people talking about us being together, secretly or not, and throwing the possibility out there… I can't stop thinking about it, April. I just can't." There was no point in beating around the bush about it anymore. I had to get it all out in the open. "I love you. I still do. I don't think that I ever really stopped, even if I convinced myself that I did. And I want you more than anything else. I want you to be mine. My girlfriend. There's nothing else in the world that I want."

My heart pounded in my chest as every word spilled honestly from my lips and for a moment, I felt like her – rambling uncontrollably and spilling out things that I wasn't sure I would have otherwise been able to get out of my head. Exposed. Vulnerable. Taking a deep breath, I seek up to find her gaze and hope that I wasn't imagining everything between us.

Silence and wide, hazel eyes stared back at me.


	7. Chapter 7

**_ APRIL _ **

_You're my best friend, April. My favorite person._

_I love you._

_I want you to be mine._

The words looped through my head again and again after they spilled so earnestly from Jackson's mouth, eyes so wide and unblinking that they nearly burn and yet I can't tear myself away from the moment, as if I was hallucinating and it all might disappear right before me if I did. Time seemed to move like molasses, dragging along.

A shaky breath escaped from my lips and no other sound followed it for impossibly long seconds as I stilled. It felt like it had been just yesterday that he had swung a fist at Riggs when I had gone through an ugly break up and even if it technically had been a couple of weeks now, it was hard to forget when we all worked together and people loved to talk about it. Even if most of the talking now had been about the two of us and not Riggs and me. Time with him flew by. It always had. It was stress-free when I was with him, other than what happened at work, flowing along easily. It certainly skewed my perception. But it was in the best of ways. That was something that I had never doubted. I was happy and carefree with him, something that certainly was rare in my life.

Or at least, it had been rare since I had left. My uncle had been… strict. He had never hurt me but he had never shown me any kindness or compassion, either. He made sure I had transportation to school and there was food on the table at night, and of course that I went to church with him bright and early every Sunday, and that was about the extent of it. It had been the longest year of my life, going from the joy I'd had with Jackson to that.

"I…" Desperately, I want to say something, but no sound other than a soft attempt of a syllable managed to come out of my lips.

Jackson was looking at me with those beautiful wide eyes. I'd known him since we were children and I still couldn't decide if they were blue or green with the way that seemed to shift under different lightings or outfits, but right now, they were a clear and brilliant blue. It was like staring into the ocean, mesmerizing. All it would have taken for him to enchant me was one look. Even though I had managed to push him down and to the back of my mind over the years, all of the dust had been blown away, cobwebs dusted off… the hold, the magic, all of it was still right there, just waiting to be rediscovered again. And he had done it. He had found that part of me. The girl who was comfortable, who smiled and laughed loudly, who felt good as she was.

That April, she had been sorely missed. I had forgotten about her until she was brought up again, pulled out by the effect that he had on me. It felt good to be happy and free again, not burdened from stress or the way that others treated, but to find myself again. I liked that I could be that person again.

__________________________________________________________________________________

"Come on, just give it a try!" Jackson encouraged, laugh carrying buoyantly up to me.

Bare feet dug into the dirt beneath them as I shifted my weight back and forth, lips pressed together in a thin line. Butterflies fluttered in the pit of my stomach and nothing seemed willing to shake them. The sun beat down on my skin even with one of his t-shirts covering up a good portion of it over my bathing suit. I took a deep breath, pushing it out through my nose and giving a little shake of my head.

"You're not going to make me get out and throw you in myself, are you?" He suggested.

"No, don't you dare." I shook my head more definitively this time. "I'm fine. I can do it."

"Well, we don't have all day. I told your Mom you'd be home for dinner."

Wrapping my hands around the rope that was attached to the tree branch, I gave it a little tug. If it had carried Jackson who was nearly two times my size, then it should have been fine for my weight. I'd never been to a lake like this before, just the two of us and no one else in sight, and he had already flung himself off the little ledge and done a flip into the water. Taking a few steps back to get some momentum going and tightening my grip, caution was thrown into the wind as I began to run and throw myself off, adrenaline pumping through my veins wildly. I fly through the air for a brief time and curl myself into the wall, cold water a shock to the system when I suddenly break through it.

Water engulfed me briefly and I keep my eyes shut while beneath it, distrustful of how clean it was, limbs stretching out and kicking to push myself up to the surface. It takes a moment before I can break through the surface of the water again, flipping my hair out of my face and sucking in oxygen.

"How was it?" Jackson called out. I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hands before opening them, blinking a few times.

"I feel like I just had a heart attack but without the painful part." He laughed hysterically at my answer.

"You need to get out more! Live on the edge some."

I rolled my eyes at him even if a smile cracked at my lips. "Well, that's what I have you for, right?"

"I guess so." Jackson smiled. "Come on, I'll race you to the dock. Ready?"

Before he had the chance to countdown or say go, I took off swimming in the direction of the dock. He was substantially more fit than me even if he had a lot more to try and move through the water. I'm a decent swimmer, capable of keeping from drowning but not very well experienced given that the only pool I'd ever been in was the one at his house.

That doesn't stop him from beating me over to the dock, regardless. When I finally meet him there and pull up from the water, one hand on the dock so I don't have to keep myself up, it's hard to ignore the clear definition of his muscles as he shook water off of his face. His legs were a little skinny, something that I had always noticed because it frequently made his pants look too big, but his biceps and triceps were very clearly defined, as were his abdominal and pectoral muscles. It was no wonder that the girls were school were constantly flocked around him. I was lucky that he was still my best friend even now that we were fifteen, not five.

"You just like to race so you can win," I huffed out breathlessly.

"Maybe." He laughed.

"Will you teach me how to do a backflip off of the dash?" I asked, eyebrows raising.

"Sure thing." Jackson pushed himself out of the water and into the dock easily before extending his hand out to me to help pull me out of the water. "It's easy, I promise."

__________________________________________________________________________________

Memories flood through my mind easily staring in those eyes, far too easy to get lost it. Especially when there was such a beautiful hope and openness in there, a vulnerability that I so rarely saw from him. I knew that he'd had issues with being abandoned when he was a child after his father had left. Maybe that was part of the reason that he had clung to me so much, his mom had worked and I had always been there. Being shipped off without the chance to say goodbye had no doubt made it worse for him. But now, he was opening himself up again.

"You really still love me?" I questioned, voice barely above a whisper. "And want to be with me?"

"Of course I do. There's no way that I couldn't." His hand cupped my face gently.

My hand rested on top of his, still smaller as it had always been. His hand was so warm. My fingers filled the spaces between his and I took a deep breath, leaning my head into it slightly. I knew the truth, even if I had kept it buried inside for such a long time that it was almost hard to find. Almost.

"I want to be with you too, Jackson."

It was difficult to say whether or not I was ready for the big L word. There was no doubt that I still loved him, he had always been the best friend that I had ever had in my life, no one had ever come close to the relationship that we had with one another. It had felt so natural and right like we were meant to be with each other on some deeper, spiritual level – as if God had handcrafted him and placed him in my life for a very specific reason. He had. It was impossible to doubt that, He absolutely had done that for me. But in love, that was still a step, a leap. One that I needed a little more security before I was going to be ready to take it.

Leaning toward him, my hand moved from on top of his to mirror him and cup his face as well. Slowly, for the first time in ten years, I pressed my lips into his and kissed him hard.

The kiss is returned from him instantly as he leaned in. It's so much more than it had ever been when we were children – then, it had been nothing short of innocent magic, the kind of kiss that a little girl dreamed about with the man that you loved. But this, this was the adult version of that. This was the kind of kiss that claimed me and had me thinking with my body more than anything else. Heat was brought to my cheek and I was suddenly in tune with everything between us.

His tongue slid past my teeth and meshed with my own. I don't realize that I've let out a soft moan until after he had swallowed it, shifting toward him. His hands gripped onto my hips tightly and he pulled me against him, adjusting my legs so that they could rest on either side of his hips as I settled on top of his lap.

Even hotter than before, his thumbs brushed beneath the fabric of my shirt and touch my bare hips. He's touching one of the little moles that I had on the back of my hip – I'd had it when I was a kid, too, and I wondered if he somehow remembered that was exactly where it was. It felt as if nothing had been forgotten between the two of us. He knows just how to kiss me and now, it had more of an effect than ever, feeling that throb between my legs as he tightened my hips against his. Rolling my hips against him, this time he moans passionately.

Beneath me, I can feel him. I know that he's big. He had walked around enough time in tight boxers and given it away to me, and it just matched the rest of his body – big feet and long fingers. But it was different to feel it beneath me and know that it was hard because of me, to know that it was because he wanted me. Even if he had just said it, there was something a little different to feel that kind of physical evidence of it behind me, to know that this was certainly affecting him just as much as it was me right now, even if he couldn't feel it just like this. For now.

"Jackson…" I moaned out, clutching onto his face.

"Mm…" If he was trying to say something specific, I couldn't tell what it was.

"I'm… I'm still a virgin." I reminded him, finally breaking from the kiss.

"I know." Gentle fingers combed my hair away from my eyes as he spoke. "It's okay. I know you."

His eyes stare at me and it was if they could see the entirety of my soul, stripping me down entirely without having to touch my clothes. He had always been so good at knowing me and this was no different. Yet there's a distinct desire, one that maybe he doesn't know that I'm capable of.

When we were kids, it had been about something else. It had been about waiting for the right guy, when the right guy had been there all along. Now most people just assumed that it was for marriage, and maybe that was an assumption that I had allowed to influence me when I had dated Riggs, but I knew that he wasn't the right guy. A good guy, fine, but not the right one. Now, the right one was right in front of me, offering every piece of himself to me. All of it building up was impossible to ignore.

"Jackson…" I repeated his name, this time falling from my lips in a dreamy sigh and resting my forehead against his.

"Uh-huh?" He questioned.

"Do you know it's not about waiting till marriage with me?" I asked. He pulled back slightly and I watched his brows form a furrow that wrinkled the skin between them. "Because it's not."

His head tilted slightly. "Then what is it?"

"You," I breathed out. "I was always waiting for the right guy. And that was you."

"Yeah?" Jackson smiled. "I'm glad to hear that."

We don't make love that night despite the fact that the temptation was very present between the two of us when we fall into bed together. It's hard not to think about him that way when he falls asleep spooned around me, his bare chest pressed against my back. Both of us fall asleep in my bed, though – citing that it was certainly more comfortable than his and that my sheets were definitely cleaner than his, too.

Sleeping brings back more fond memories that I had kept buried away.

__________________________________________________________________________________

The cafeteria roared with noise as all of the third and fourth graders gathered inside of it for lunch, pushing and rushing through the lunch lines as if it might make the food served up on it more delicious. I had a packed lunch, as always, my favorite ham and cheese sandwich with mayo on it, a plastic box of strawberries and blueberries, and a bag of Cheetos. Jackson was sitting right next to me with own packed lunch inside of a metal box, a BLT sandwich, and potato chips, as well as two chocolate chip cookies. All our food was laid out in front of us to be shared.

"Did you hear? Did you hear?" Rushed whispers came out from Jane, one of our classmates, as she sat down across from us.

"What?" Jackson asked.

"Tommy and Lily are dating! They're a couple!" She announced loudly before standing up and rushing off, likely to continue spreading the word to others.

Craning my neck to peer down the long table, the two of them were side by side just like Jackson and I was. They were doing the exact same thing that we always did with their lunches spread out together. I had never seen either one of them sharing with each other before. It looked like they were copying the two of us if I didn't know any better.

"They look cute," I murmured. "Cozy."

"They look like us," he observed. My elbow connected with his arm playfully. "What? I'm just saying."

"Are we going to date one day? When we're old?" I had already made it very clear that I thought it was silly to date when we were this young. Last year, Mary and Alex had been together and they had caused a messy fight with the entire class when they broke up. Everyone wouldn't stop talking about it. It had been the talk of the entire spring semester up until the play at the end of the year.

"Yeah, we are." He nodded confidently.

"Well, I think that we should get married." I took one of his cookies, breaking it in half and taking half. "There's no point in dating if you're not going to get married."

"Fine by me."

__________________________________________________________________________________

A long sigh escaped from my lips as I shook stray droplets of water off of my hands, grabbing a towel from the pile and drying them off completely. Hunt had left me to close up after all of the organs had been removed from the patient by the transplant team and make sure that things weren't too gruesome for the family when the body was taken to the funeral home. More practice on real flesh, he insisted. I thought my stitching was pretty good but everything was a little disheartening after losing a patient to complications.

Leaning back against the metal sink, I took a deep breath and tilted my head back, rolling it from side to side and stretching out my neck and shoulders just a little bit from some of the stiffness there. I was tired. Jackson had kept me up till the late hours of the night.

Speak of the devil.

The door to the scrub room swung open as he walked in. I'd forgotten that he had some kind of gender confirmation surgery scheduled for today. He'd been pretty proud of the fact that Mark was finally letting him take the lead on one of his cases like that. It was one of his favorite parts of what he did – and I agreed, it was much more meaningful than some of the other things that he could do. He was holding a cup of coffee in his hands.

"Hey," I smiled at him.

Jackson held out the coffee, offering it toward me. "Hey. I saw that I was taking the O.R. from you once you were done, so I thought that I would bring you this."

"Thank you." I stretched up on my toes to meet his lips for a quick, chaste kiss. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," he murmured, lingering next to me. "I much rather come to work in the morning with you."

The two of us had started to drive separately and try to act a little less attached at the hip at work, but now it was harder than it had ever been. I wanted to share all of my thoughts and feelings with him. We had been dating for almost a month in secret now, trying to act normal at work and then sneaking around after hours whenever we could.

"It's kind of sexy, though, sneaking around. The two of us and our secret, when we finally got people to stop thinking that we were together. That had been far from easy but they had finally lai off with the inappropriate comments about how he needed to pop my cherry or how I acted as his wife and caretaker. People were starting to finally see me as a person again, not attached to Nathan or him. That was the first time that it had happened since the merger.

"Well, you're kind of sexy." His head dipped down, nose brushing against mine affectionately.

"Shut up." I blushed. "But so are you."

Another kiss was pressed against my lips and I smiled, holding onto his shoulders. I kiss him back, this time longer than the first. He smelled good. He must have put cologne on this morning. I hadn't noticed it earlier.

"Too bad we can't go operate together. I have to get back to the O.R." I gave him one more kiss.

"Hey Jackson, when you–"

Before either one of us had the chance to realize that the door was opening up and Mark had walked into it, his voice was carrying through the door and we both jumped. I nearly stumbled to get away from him but it was too late, he had undoubtedly already seen the two of us nice and cozy up against each other, not a care about anything else in the world. He had probably even seen us kissing. All of that relaxation that he had gifted me was just as suddenly torn away.

"Well, well, well," Mark clucked his tongue boldly, his arms crossing in front of his chest.

"Dr. Sloan, we–"

"Mark–"

"Uh, uh, no way," he shook his head. "There's no getting around the two of you making out in the scrub room. I gotta hand it to you, Avery, I'd actually thought that you weren't dating for the first time. Smart boy. You two actually managed to fool me on this one.

My cheeks burned under his impenetrable accusation.

"You can not tell anyone." I squeaked out weakly. Jackson stepped toward me, taking my hand and giving it a squeeze.

"Please, Mark, don't" he spoke up. "All we're asking for is just a little bit of privacy between the two of us. We've already had enough attention and we really don't want to make things any worse. We're almost done with this year and then we'll just have one more left. We just want to get through the rest of our residency."

"I won't tell a soul," Mark shrugged. "Frankly, it's nice to see that you're finally loosened up. Both of you."

It was hard not to roll my eyes. "It's more than that." I pointed out.

"Sure, sure," Mark looked utterly amused with finding the two of like this. "Whatever you want."

"I uh, I think that we need to talk," Jackson suggested, rubbing the back of his head as he looked at Mark.

"I'm… I'm going to go." I muttered, quickly moving past Jackson's mentor.

Clutching the cup of coffee that Jackson had brought me tightly in my hand, I moved to the elevator just a little too quickly, gulping it down once I was inside and had hit the button to go back down to the first floor of the hospital. It was still warm and sweetened just enough for me.

I would have to keep my fingers crossed that Jackson would be able to confine him to keep my secret and more importantly, that Dr. Sloan would actually follow through on his word. Even if I wasn't suddenly best friends with everyone, things really had eased up in the past month and I had appreciated that. Izzie was kind to me as she had always been, and some of the teasing from the other three had lightened up. It even seemed like Reed was acting like a good friend again even if she was more distant now than she had been before. I was happy with him. I was happy with the entirety of my life for the first time in a while, with the work I was doing and who I was working with, coming into trauma and having a happy and healthy relationship. It seemed like life had finally sorted itself out for me.

Drinking the coffee in my hand just a little too fast, no doubt slightly dehydrated from the time that had been spent in surgery and needing to catch up on my fluid intake, I spot Owen working on another patient. He must have already spoken to the family of the patient that we had worked on earlier and they had accepted it. Or at least, hadn't kept him for a long time. It was always hard to predict what exactly would happen with families in these kinds of situations.

Trauma was usually plentiful in the emergency room during the day like this, even if the level of severity varied. Taking a deep breath and tossing the now empty paper cup into the recycling bin, I intend to go straight over to him before I'm stopped.

"Hey, Keps." There he was, even with the old nickname.

"Hi, Nathan." I forced a smile. "Do you need a consult or something?" He and Owen were still tense.

"No, no, not that," Nathan shook his head. "I was just hoping that we could talk."

I couldn't help but wish I was busy with a patient. "Talk about what?"

"I wanted to apologize for what happened," he shifted his weight and scratched the back of his head as he looked down at me. "I don't know what came over me, acting like that. It was a dick move and I'm not like that. We were together long enough that I would like to think you know that." It had surprised me, admittedly. "I'm not that kind of person."

"I didn't think that you were." The smile remained tight. "But thank you for apologizing. That was very mature of you." That part I could mean entirely, not having to force it out.

"I mean it," he followed up. "Maybe we could go out to dinner sometime. And a movie. Like old times."

"Huh?" My eyebrows shot up. "I, uh," I tried to speak my lips seemed to fail me.

"I really screwed things up with you, Keps, and I want to take that back. You were always too good for me but I'd like another chance." Eyes widened as I stared up at him and processed exactly what he was saying – what he was asking of me. "I'd like to go out with you again."

I sighed. "I, uh, I really don't think that's a good idea." The politest answer I could think of on the spot.

"Why not? You're not with Avery, are you?" Nathan asked.

"It's not that." I shook my head even though that was really a huge part of it. There was no way that I would be disloyal to him, especially after having to suffer through that feeling with Nathan. Even if he hadn't been the one for me, it was a miserable feeling. The inadequacy was hard to bare. "I… I just don't feel that way about you anymore, and I'm not sure that I ever could after what happened between us. I'm happy to be your friend, but I don't want anything more than that." Hopefully, an answer that he could handle. "I'm sorry, but I should really get back to work."

Even if I wasn't working on a specific case at that second, I needed an excuse to walk away before he could try to go further with that suggestion. I could be friends with him, but that was it. Nothing more. The only person I wanted to be with was Jackson.

Approaching Dr. Hunt quickly with somewhat of a hope that he was unlikely to follow given the tension between the two of them, I gave a quick little wave of my hand to get his attention to look up at the patient and from me. He gave a brief glance over my shoulder, likely seeing Riggs watching, but I refused to turn back and see. I'd left a bit abruptly which was unlike me, but cutting it clean seemed best.

"What was that about?" Hunt asked.

"Oh, uh…" I hesitated, glancing at the unconscious patient. It wouldn't hurt. "He kind of asked me out, I guess. I don't know. I said no."

"Good." He replied quickly. "You deserve better than a guy like that, Kepner. You're going to make a good trauma surgeon one day and I don't want you to be distracted by that kind of thing." Nathan would be the last person distracting me from surgery. I don't bring up Jackson.

"Thank you, Dr. Hunt," I smiled at him. "I appreciate that. Do you have something for me to work on?"

"Why don't you take a look at bed five? So far it's turning out to be a mystery diagnosis." He suggested.

With a bright smile and a fresh pair of tight gloves on my hands, I follow through with his request.

A good mystery was something that everyone would have loved to get their hands on and for what, I was grateful that Hunt had given the patient to me instead of passing him on to any of the other residents. It kept me busy for the end of the day and then some, not realizing that I had gone past the normal time that I got off until there are two texts on my phone from Jackson asking when I was going to be home and what I wanted to do for dinner. I send a text promising to pick up something on my way home, spending another half hour looking over labs and results before coming home.

Even though it was less than healthy and I usually tried to avoid having fast food for dinner, I stop by In-N-Out on the way home. It was one of Jackson's favorites and he got the same thing every time, a double-double and animal fries. Sometimes, with the way that he ate, it was amazing that he was as fit as he was. I certainly wouldn't have been able to maintain that level of fitness.

The lights and television are both on when I walk in the door and hang my keys on the hook by it, slipping out my shoes before heading into the kitchen and setting the food down on the counter. Football was predictably playing on the television and I hold back the roll of my eyes when I realize that it's a replay of some game – one that I was pretty sure even I had seen at some point. I didn't know how he could rewatch spots like that. It wasn't the same as a normal television show, as far as I was concerned.

"Hey, Jackson!" I called out.

"Hey, babe." His reply came a few seconds before his appearance did, dressed down in just a shirt in boxers. "Oh, you didn't." A broad grin appeared as he recognized the food on the counter. "You're the best."

"I try," I gave an innocent, cutesy shrug of my shoulders. "I had a weird conversation today."

"What about?" He asked.

I began pulling the food out of the bag as I spoke. "Riggs tried to get together with me again."

"What?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "He apologized about what happened. With me, at least, not for hitting you. I said no, that I wasn't interested."

"Jesus," Jackson said it like a swear word and my gaze snapped up to glare at him. I knew he had the habit, but I hated it used like that. "Sorry. Did you tell him about us? That we're together?" He asked.

"No," I shook my head. "He suggested it but I brushed it off. What happened with Dr. Sloan?"

"Mark said that he would keep it a secret," he began to grab his food as he spoke. "I know that you're not close with him, but… I trust him. He's been good to me, taking me under his wing like that. He makes me feels like I belong in plastics." That had to be important to him. Male role models were something that he had lacked throughout his entire life. His grandfather rarely gave him the time of day when we were younger.

"That's good." I smiled at him sincerely as we sat down at the table. "You know, Dr. Hunt has started to do the same thing. Who knew? Breaking up with Nathan would be good for my professional life just like it was for my personal life."

He laughed. "Well, I can definitely attest to the latter half of that."

"I thought so," I smiled through the roll of my eyes. "How long do you think we're going to be able to keep this a secret?"

"Honestly?" Jackson paused and let out a breath. "I'm not sure."

"It's been a month," I mused, plopping a normal fry into my mouth. "That's kind of impressive. You used to always say that I'm a terrible liar."

"You still are." He chuckled, shaking his head.

Chewing at the inside of my cheek, I leaned back in my chair. "Last time I told someone that I loved you, I was sent away. Halfway across the country and I spent the next year completely miserable and sad and… I hated all of it and I know that you suffered, too, because you didn't know the truth." Before I can help myself, the words are spilling out of my lips too quickly for me to control. "I don't want to jinx it."

He paused, sitting up. "You haven't said that you love me yet. Do you?"

"I do." I smiled at him even with some heaviness. "I do, Jackson, God knows that I do. I just don't want to jinx it and have something happen. I don't want to go through that again and I don't want to put you through that again."

"April…" Jackson sighed out my name, reaching across the table and taking my head. "Nothing will ever take you away from me again. I promise."

"I hope you're right."


	8. Chapter 8

**_ JACKSON _ **

"We're so going to be late," April whined, her lips brushing against mine.

I let out a groan as my arms wrapped around her slender waist and pulled her in tighter against me, turning my head so I could place a few open-mouthed kisses on the soft curve of her neck. A soft moan passed through her lips and I sucked gently just along her collarbone, careful not to leave a mark.

"Don't worry about it, strawberry." Another soft kiss was placed on the curve of her neck. "We'll be fine."

A delighted noise fell from her lips and I pulled her against me tighter. She was right that there was a good chance the two of us would be late to work but it was worth it, as far as I was concerned. She could be convinced.

Mark had stayed true to his word about keeping our relationship private – or at least, not talking to anyone other than me about it. It seemed like he was pretty obsessed with it. When we were young, I certainly hadn't been bothered talking to her to anyone who was willing to listen. I had been a crazy kid in love. Now that I'm older and can see things with a little more clarity, I realize the importance that privacy had. It was definitely something that the hospital tried to take away from all of us. There was always someone around, never alone no matter where you were, and more often than not, that someone was happy to pass along whatever they had seen or heard. It was worse than high school had ever been.

But despite the trouble that comes with the constant lack of privacy, it was a lot more enjoyable than high school had ever been. I get to be with her and I get to do the thing that I love. Surgery was a high like nothing else in the world. Well, almost like nothing else in the world. It's a pretty difficult tie between her and the work that we both loved. But neither one of us wanted to choose one or the other. Not when we could have both so easily.

"I told you so." Her elbow jabbed against my ribcage carefully as we rushed into the doors of the elevator, pushing against the button three more times than necessary. "We're late for rounds!"

"It's fine. Being late one time is not going to determine who's chief resident." I reminded her, wrapping my arms around her and giving a squeeze until the elevator doors open again.

"Maybe not for you. Everyone already likes you. Sloan worships you." She clucked her tongue.

"People like you too, April. You're not an ugly duckling anymore." I walked side by side with her to catch up with the other residents. "Besides, Hunt likes you a lot and you've been doing a lot of good work in the E.R. Didn't you say yourself that checklist system that you've been working on has actually worked?"

"Uh huh." She wet her lips. "But I'm pretty sure everyone still hates it."

"All doctors hate paperwork no matter what it is." I reminded her. "That doesn't mean that it's not necessary and that it doesn't do some good. You know that." I'm tempted to touch her again, managing to restrain myself.

April gave me one more glance as we reached the group. "You always have to be right, don't you?"

"Kepner being wrong?" Alex interrupted. "What a surprise."

"Karev, shut up." Dr. Bailey got her word in before anyone else had to tell him to back down and admittedly, it's more satisfying than telling him myself would have been. "Avery, Kepner, you're late. Don't do it again unless the two of you plan on forfeiting your chances at being chief resident and getting on my bad side. I'll let you choose which one is worse." A threatening look was all she needed to get a nod and silence from the both of us.

As the end of this year was drawing to a close, that meant the pick for the chief resident was close. Which also meant that between the six of us, the competition was tough and something that absolutely none of us were going to shut up about. Everyone wanted it. It would look good for applying to fellowships all over the country, which I assumed all of us were going to do. It would also look good on paper when we went to take our boards in a year. Time was flying by faster than I had anticipated it to. It seemed like just yesterday, she had been walking in these hospital doors wearing scrubs for the first time. But I was grateful for her presence here and the fact that it had been longer than that.

"We're switching up services today. All of you could use a little diversity," Bailey continued. "Kepner, you're on peds. Yang, you're in general. Karev, Adamson, neuro. Grey, trauma. Avery, cardio."

Oh, shit.

When I had first started as a surgical intern, cardio had been my top pick. That was coming from the legacy of my family, of course. Harper had done so much for the medical industry and I would have been a fool to not show some kind of interest despite the way that my family had never pushed me into becoming a surgeon in the first place. He had reeled me with stories of seemingly impossible surgeries when I was a child. I had eaten up every bit of it. That had changed as I had actually started working here and fallen in love with plastics, found the deeper emotional connection that it had for so many people who weren't born with the body and the confidence that I had.

Now, however, my disdain for it had nothing to do with the fact that my interest had merely grown away from it and everything to do with who the department head was. I'd avoided a lot of interaction with Dr. Riggs since the awkward breakup between him and April, and I had figured that it was a good thing for all of us. Today was going to be a long day.

Grabbing a tablet and giving April a long, knowing look, I headed up toward the cardio wing. Hopefully, there would be some kind of long surgery today that would separate us for the majority of the day. That was all that I could hope for.

"Dr. Riggs," I cleared my throat as I announced my presence. "I'm on your service today."

"Where's Yang?" He questioned, his brows furrowing me.

"Dr. Bailey is having everyone switch from their usual services today." Realistically, it was probably some kind of challenge that had to do with chief resident. "So you'll be dealing with me today."

"Huh." Riggs looked me over before letting out a sigh. "Fine, alright. I've got a mitral valve replacement for you to take if you want it." That was easier than I expected. Or at least, it would have been, if it weren't for the fact that I hadn't actually done one of my own before.

"I've never done one of those on my own." I hated that I had to say that out loud. It was borderline embarrassing. "But I'd love to take lead if I can."

He looked annoyed. "Fine. This is a teaching hospital, after all. But you've got a high standard to live up to, walking around in Yang's shadows. Not a lot of people can measure up to that woman. Hell, no one can."

Maybe he just meant it in a surgical manner. That would have been fair – she was a pretty clear pick as chief resident. I wasn't sure how the fact that she was sleeping with one of the department heads would affect her odds, given that everyone knew about it, but otherwise, she clearly had it in the bag. But knowing that he had cheated on April by sleeping with her, and now he was so clearly saying those words to my face… it sets off something inside of me that I don't like.

"Thank you for the opportunity, Dr. Riggs," I said through gritted teeth.

"Catch up on the patient's history. I'll see you in OR 3." He replied, turning on his heel and walking away.

A relieved breath escaped the moment that he was out of earshot and I looked through the file, making sure that everything on it was completely committed to my memory. I didn't want to screw up a thing while I was in the same O.R. as Riggs. I was almost positive if I did, he would make sure that I wasn't able to live it down, that it would affect my chances of being chief resident. He already had a bias against me, known by everyone, but I didn't want to take too many chances.

The patient is a woman in her early fifties, kind eyes and happy to chat my ear off if I gave her the chance. I don't mind social patients even if she was praising Riggs and Yang the entire time. At least she didn't shove me away at the first chance.

I take care of the rounds that I have to do on other patients before I make my way to OR 3 and help to get the patient prepped and ready for surgery. Riggs came into the scrub room near the end and began to scrub in. Once everything that I could do inside before was taken care of, I go to join him by the sink, beginning my thorough four-minute scrub. It's a habit but something about working with him today made me more careful than usual, making sure every bit of my hands and forearms are as sterile as could be. It was unnecessary, a bit of paranoia even. But I didn't want to screw myself so close to this particular finish line.

"I assume you've familiarized yourself with the technique by now," Riggs spoke to me as we stood side by side.

"Of course." I nodded before beginning to recite the procedure step by step.

He headed in there before I did after he finished scrubbing. Two minutes later, I shook off excess droplets of water from my hands and stepped in the O.R. back first, letting the scrub nurses get the gown and gloves on so I could begin.

"Scalpel." The command is made with confidence and Bokhee handed it over to me.

Cutting through skin and muscle, taking care of the ribcage, I get to where I need to be. It was always something else to see a beating heart inside of a human being, even if it was a faulty one. I try not to admire it too much, not wanting to take longer than Yang would have. I wanted to do this as perfectly as possible, live up to her expectations and beat them, if possible. I knew that she was damn good with everything that she did, but that only served as motivation to do the best job that I possibly could. And yeah, maybe it would have been nice to rub it in a little, even if he didn't know with any kind of certainty that April and I were together. I wanted him to know that April was with someone better than he had been to her, even if I'm not as far in the field as he was currently. But I was April's age, not his. There was a perfectly reasonable explanation for that.

But things only go well for so long.

I don't know where exactly it happens or when things begin to go wrong. Had studied up on the procedure as thoroughly as possible. My stitches were neat and as close to perfect as I thought stitches could be – that hadn't always been the case for me, but Sloan had made sure to beat that out of me given that it was absolutely necessary for plastics. I had thought that with how good I was, I might be able to show off a bit. But that wasn't the case.

Riggs had trusted me enough to leave me be once I had gotten started with the bulk of it and as another cardio trauma had come in. It was a good feeling there, getting the chance to show off, knowing that he was going to come back to some successful procedure. That was what I wanted to happen. Not what happened.

Her vitals crash before anything else could happen and then the obvious bleeding started up moments later. Getting my hands inside of her, I do everything that I can. Fresh blood is hung and stitches are thrown in to try and repair the damage that was there, eyes squinting as they tried to find some kind of mistake that had been made. There was nothing obvious there despite how I tried to find the flaw, knowing that there had to be some kind of explanation for why she was suddenly crashing in the middle of surgery. But no amount of squinting in the attempt to find the error while working quickly to try and save her life. Whatever it was, it wasn't easily visible.

Shocking her heart doesn't work once it stops beating. Cardiac massage has no effect either. Everything that I try doesn't work and things rapidly become clear that my hopes for today were falling apart in front of me.

"Avery!" Riggs shouted as he busted into the O.R., a mask covering his face. "What the hell happened?"

"She started coding!" My voice is a little more panicked than I would have liked. "There was nothing I could do!"

"You've got to be kidding me," he exasperated.

"There was nothing I could do, I tried everything. Shocking her, cardiac massage, I did everything–"

"I left you after the hardest part. It should have been an easy win." He countered.

He wasn't wrong.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Riggs, I don't know what happened." I sighed. "She just coded and I couldn't get her back after that." An autopsy might have shown a definitive cause, but only if the family requested one.

"Goddammit," Riggs swore.

"He did everything that he could, Dr. Riggs." One of the scrub nurses, Angela, spoke up at my defense. I shot her a quick look of appreciation.

"Well, I sure hope so." He glared at me. "Because that's what you'll be telling the family." Without another word, he walked out.

Another sigh escaping, I close up the patient and make sure that she would look fine in case the family chose not to have an autopsy. Maybe it's guilt or something else, but I take a little more time than what I had to. It's compensating. I know that consciously and yet, even recognizing it, it doesn't stop me from doing what I was doing.

By the time that I had finally scrubbed out of surgery and tore the lain surgical cap off of my head, I want nothing more than to go home with my girlfriend and get my way back to plastics. At least there, I knew that even if I did screw up, I wouldn't get the same brutal shit from Sloan that I had just gotten from Riggs. Sure, there was blame placed when it was necessary, but he never went over the top or yelled at me when it wasn't useful. He was smart. A good teacher, even if it was picky about his students.

Telling her daughter is brutal.

The daughter was a young, twenty-something student who breaks down crying almost immediately, barely giving me the chance to get the words out of my mouth. As she collapsed into her arms, I'm overwhelmed as I hold her and get her to sit down. It's not my fault despite the insinuation that Riggs had made about it. I know that even if it's not as always to feel that. Some losses always hit harder than others. It was an inevitable part of the job.

I get back to the apartment before April does, to my surprise. It's a nice opportunity to collapse on the couch and try to think of nothing else in the world. But it's not easy. I keep replaying the surgery over and over again in my head. There was still something that didn't settle right.

When the front door opened, I don't shoot up to greet her like I might have normally done. It's easier to just stay laid out on the couch for a few more seconds. I knew that she would want to comfort me about what happened but that wasn't what I wanted right now. A few answers would do me some good, but that would have to wait for an autopsy or some kind of a second opinion that didn't come from Dr. Riggs.

"Hey," she spoke up. "You look tired."

"I am," I admitted. "I am."

"How did cardio go?" She set down her bag and sat on the arm of the couch.

"My patient died on the table. Telling her daughter wasn't easy." I wouldn't say much more than that. "What about peds? How did that go?" Hopefully, her day wasn't half as bad as mine had been.

"It was alright," April smiled. "I had a good idea for a patient that Robbins really liked. She likes me. She likes that I'm perky. She's probably the only person in the hospital that does."

Her words were enough encouragement for me to sit up, pulling her onto my lap and pressing a soft kiss to her lips. "I like that you're perky." I murmured, nipping at her bottom lip and letting my arms wrap around her small waist. Holding her certainly took some of the weight off my shoulders immediately.

"Maybe you're not so tired," she muttered against my lips.

"Maybe not." I chuckled.

Capturing her lips between mine again, I can't help but deepen the kiss there and pull her in tighter against me. She responded eagerly, shifting so that she was facing me more directly and pressing her frame into mine. She was soft and warm, all-consuming and yet at the same time all I wanted to do was consume her. It was getting more difficult with our relationship to worry about not getting hard any time we were like this.

"I want to go public with our relationship." The words come out of me spontaneously. It's not that they were untrue, but telling her was unplanned.

"Huh?" April pulled back, blinking and wetting her lips.

"I want to go public." I ran my fingers through her hair. It was so soft, even after a long day at work. "I want to tell people that I am dating the cutest and perkiest and smartest resident there is. Then in a few weeks, you can tell people that you're dating the chief resident."

"You'd make a good chief resident," she remarked with a fond smile. "You're a good leader. Good with people. Much better than I am."

I cut her off with a kiss. "Nope. You're not allowed to compliment me if it means deprecating yourself."

"Do you think that we could really go public? Without it being a big deal?" April asked.

"Why not?" I shrugged my shoulders. "You're no longer the new girl. It's been a while, we're approaching our last year. There's no weird power dynamic unlike a third of our group, which is conveniently taking out our only competitors for chief resident. That might be our only complication, you know? But if we come out before, it doesn't matter." With Yang and Grey in their messy relationships with our bosses, there was no way for them to become chief resident without it reeking of bias.

Her lips pressed together in a thin line. "Okay." A bright smile opened them up. "Okay. Okay. Tomorrow, you and me are going into work together, and we are holding hands and we are going to kiss in front of everyone as if it is the most natural thing in the world."

"Sounds like a good plan to me." I leaned forward and stole another kiss.

"One more thing." Her forehead tilted forward and rested against mine.

"What's up?"

"If we're going to tell everyone that we're together…" April started slowly, her hands on my shoulder and rubbing circles with her thumbs. "Then I don't want to be a virgin when we do that. I got enough crap for it the first time around and even if they have no business in my sex life, our sex life, it'll be much more comfortable for me."

If my jaw had hit the floor, it would have been less surprising than the words that she had. I'd thought about taking her virginity plenty of times – I had always figured that I was going to be the one to do it when we were teenagers and now, knowing that she was still one, it had just been the most logical thing. But I hadn't expected it to come with this. Hell, if I had known that was a part of the deal for her, I would have suggested going public a lot sooner.

"Are you serious?" I questioned, pulling back just a bit to look at her properly.

"I am." She nodded. "I told you, it's not… it's not about marriage. It's about the right guy. And that's you, Jackson. That's you. It was never anyone else. No one ever had a chance."

I kissed her hard again, pulling her in with a renewed sense of energy.

"Jackson!" She laughed against me, slapping my chest. "I mean it. But not on the couch."

"Easy fix." My arms around her waist shifted to grab her rear and haul both of us from our seated position on the couch. Her legs hook around the small of my back and I carry her back to her bedroom. Women always preferred their own bed, in my experience. "I can't believe we're really doing this."

"I can."

Setting her down gently on the bed, my lips don't leave hers for minutes, just laying there and kissing her. Even if this was a moment that I had dreamed about too many times as a young and horny teenager, I didn't want to rush a single thing about this. She was the woman that I loved, the woman of my dreams in every possible way, and I want her to have the first time of her dreams. True and romantic, good. Not the kind of rushed first time that most girls got to have. I wanted hers to be as special as our relationship was.

One hand was on the back of my head and I could feel her nails scraping gently against the short curls there, pulling me in. After a few minutes of kissing her lips, I travel along her jaw, peppering a few kisses there. It's tempting to leave a mark but that would be too much conversation at work.

"Jackson…" There was a whine to her voice. "I'm not going to break. I promise."

As if to prove my point, her fingers move to the buttons of my shirt and begin to do them quicker than I would have expected from a virgin. Of course, it made sense – we both had to do that for work. But her nails suddenly raking down my chest feel too damn good.

"Your turn." She sat up slightly as I pulled the shirt off of her. She's got the same freckles across her collarbones that she did when she was a kid.

But now, she's a woman, and I was going to treat her like one.

Pulling her bra straps out of the way, I press open-mouthed kisses against her collarbones and the tops of her breasts. She shivered beneath me, back arching up off the bed. I use the opportunity to snake my arm beneath her and unclip it, pulling it out of the way altogether. I don't leave her exposed, though, my mouth quickly covering her nipple entirely. I tease it with only my tongue and a little suction, listening to the salacious noises that come from her mouth, squirming. A hand covered her other breast, teasing and tweaking the nipple between my thumb and first finger.

"Beautiful. Utterly beautiful, strawberry." I murmured, pulling off of one with a pop.

"It feels so good." She groaned. "So, so good."

I switch the treatment of the breasts, covering the other perky nipple with my mouth and teasing it until she was making the same sweet and needy noises that she had been before. Her legs squirmed against the mattress, brushing against mine as they bent and straightened out again.

One of my hands remained on her breasts to continue to give it attention before I place a few more kisses along the pale skin of her ribcage and her hipbones. There's a birthmark on her right hip. It's not shaped like anything really, kind of triangular. If you squinted at it hard enough, I'd like to think that it kind of looked like a strawberry. I placed another kiss specifically on it before I unbutton and unzip her jeans slowly.

"Are you still okay?" There's a bow on the top of her panties. I place a kiss on it.

"Don't you dare stop." She made the words a threat.

Sitting up on my elbows for only a moment, I pull off her jeans. Even back on my heels, I can see the wet spot against the cotton of her panties. If I hadn't already been straining against my zipper before, I sure as hell was now.

April was the one to hook her fingers around her panties and push them down her legs, only able to reach above the knee. I pulled them off the rest of the way for her, tossing them aside. Unsurprisingly, hair covered her, but I couldn't have cared less. Eagerly laying back down onto my front and pushing her thighs apart, I kissed the inside of her thighs first. Her folds were glistening already without me having to touch them. I hooked one thigh over my shoulder and felt her foot rest on the back of my scapula.

Using my fingers to spread her folds open for me, I don't leave a bit of her untouched or wanting. Every fold and crevice is met with my tongue and lips, her fingers tightened around my head when I brushed my nose against her clit. She was whining and squirming against me, incapable of staying still as my face became covered in her wetness.

One finger eased gently inside of her tight heat, curling it and seeking out that spot inside of her. She lets me know unintentionally when I hit it, hips bucking against my face and a sharp gasp escaping. All of the noisy moans only get louder in volume as my lips wrapped around her clit and gently teased it with my tongue, circles and little flicks in every direction. A second finger pushed inside of her, stretching and scissoring her. There was no warning when an orgasm hit her – she might not have even realized what it was. Her voice jumped an octave as she moaned out my name and her walls tightened around my fingers, clutching tightly onto me as she rode out every wave of pleasure.

"Did I just…" she couldn't even get the words out.

"Uh-huh." My fingers pulled out of her, sticking them into my mouth and sucking them clean. "So damn sweet."

"Really?"

Moving up toward her, I placed a kiss on her lips, giving her a little taste of herself. I linger there even after our lips part, brushing my nose against hers before resting my forehead on top of hers. Like this, my cock is pressed against her thigh, the only barrier of separation being my boxers.

"Huh," she breathed out and I could feel the air. "Are you still gonna?"

"As long as you still want to."

Her hand reached down and she pushed down my boxers. I assisted with stripping down, kicking them off. My hips jutted forward unintentionally and I let out a moan as her thumb hit the slit before wrapping around my length.

"Fuck," I swore.

"Was that not okay?" She stilled.

"No, no," I shook my head, kissing her hard. "That's fuckin' great. God, that feels so good."

April smiled and pumped my length twice. "Your face does this thing when I do that. I like it." She observed. "I want you to do it. I want you inside of me."

Fuck, hearing that feels good.

My hand replaced hers as I lined up gently with her entrance. Her eyes met mine as I slowly moved my hips forward and eased myself inside of her. I watched her lips open – just a little at first and then all at once as a high-pitched whine escaped from her. Slowing to let her adjust, I waited until the nod of her head came to begin moving.

Her walls felt like hot, slick velvet as I began moving slowly inside of her, one hand holding onto her face to make it easy to kiss her and the other holding myself up so I don't crush her. She was just as loud as she had been before, moans barely drowned out as I kiss her again. A hand grabbed my ass and squeezed it like she was pulling me deeper inside of her. My hips jerked involuntarily, thrusting into her a little harder. Coming would be easy. Holding back wasn't, not as good as she felt around me. It was everything that I had ever dreamed of and more.

Releasing her face, I reached down between our hips and let my thumb find her clit again to begin rubbing quick and tight circles. The combination of events is enough to get her the loudest that she had been. When she reached a second orgasm, it hits quicker than the first does and there's a gush of liquid against both of our pelvises. She squirted. The last thing that I would have guessed would happen, and yet the best thing that possibly could have.

"Fuck, fuck!" I swore loudly as an orgasm of my own came over me, thrusting into her once, twice before I came. Grabbing a fistful of the sheets that I was holding onto, I barely keep myself from outright crushing her as my hips sank down, heavy against hers.

A few seconds passed, both of our chests heaving before any other noise could occur.

"Wow." April breathed out.

"You are so–" A kiss. "Goddamn–" Another kiss. "Amazing."

"I really do love you." She smiled.

"I love you too." One more kiss. "I'm going to go get a towel so you can clean up a little. There's just a little bit of blood." Totally normal. "Unless you want to take a shower?"

"Shower. In a second." She breathed out.

Laying down next to her, I tuck a little hair behind her ear with a soft smile. Her cheeks and chest were both more flushed than I had ever seen before. Yet she still looked utterly beautiful.

Giving her a chance to shower without any other disturbances, I wait until she was done before getting in the shower myself and cleaning up. There's still dinner to worry about, of course, and now I was pretty sure that both of us had worked up an appetite. But going public meant plenty of dates without having to worry about running into anyone else we knew, going to the places that we knew other people went to, and generally doing whatever the hell we wanted to do. It was a layer of freedom like nothing else, beyond just finally being able to have sex with her.

The next day when we finally get a chance to walk into work with our hands held together, the stares are there. It makes April just a little antsy but it doesn't stop either one of us. Even though Mark hadn't told anyone about us, no one seemed surprised by the fact that the two of us are together. They shouldn't be, really. We'd always had a natural way of being around one another.

"Dr. Avery," Riggs addressed me. "Now I know why you were so distracted during surgery yesterday."

What a douchebag.

"That has nothing to do with it," I cleared my throat. "Unless you'd like to try and blame all of the patients that have died under your care on either an inability to focus or April. The latter of which would be incredibly irresponsible and sexist."

That shuts him down for a little bit.

There was no surprise with the clap on the back and inappropriate remark that I get from Sloan about our relationship. Neither one of us brings up the fact that we had actually slept together but it seems like he managed to know. If anyone was going to have some kind of freaky and inappropriate sixth sense about that type of thing, it would be him.

A week later, though, there was a big distraction that kept everyone away from focusing on either one of us. The rotations in specialties in order to get a little apparent diversity under our belt were just as much to give all of the attending a chance to assess us, without all of them just choosing whoever was on their specialty. The mentor-mentee bond did put down a bias. The six of us were stretched across two patient beds as we waited for the chief to pen up the announcement, not just for us, but for everyone else in the hospital to know, too. It was a big deal.

Dr. Hunt approached quickly and looked at all of us waiting, giving a slight huff and shaking his head. He penned it to the board and all of us got to our feet, quickly gathering around.

"Seriously?" Karev whined, standing in front of me and blocking my view.

"Ugh," Meredith complained.

"Oh my god." April blurted out.

Peering around once Karev was out of my way, it became clear what the paper said.  
 _  
SURGICAL CHIEF RESIDENT: DR. APRIL KEPNER._


	9. Chapter 9

**_ APRIL _ **

Right when it felt like things in my life had finally settled into place, everything changed again.

"Oh, gosh, this is going to be terrible," I whined. "No one respects me enough for me to be doing this. Just because they don't have me now doesn't mean that they're actually willing to give me a chance to do this. I'm me! People don't like me!"

Even though twenty-four hours ago, the idea of being chief resident was an exciting one, reality had quickly sunken in to make me reconsider just about everything. I wasn't sure how it was possible. Dr. Hunt liked me, sure, and Dr. Robbins had seemed fond enough of me after working on a patient that she said was important to her together. But I thought that was it. I was sure that at this point, Nathan no longer had anything kind to say about me. There was a reason that I tried to push away thinking about him. Paging cardio was consistently the most dreadful part of my day on any given day. Now, I was going to have to play a role in every single service when it came to being in charge of all the other surgical residents. This was going to be a nightmare.

"Being chief resident is not the end of the world." Jackson disagreed.

"Oh, no, I'm so sorry. I'm the worst girlfriend! You wanted this and instead, I got it, yet all I can do is complain. I'm a terrible girlfriend and I'm going to be a terrible chief resident. That's a really good way to start off our final year." My hands covered my face in sheer embarrassment.

"Neither one of those things are true, strawberry." He placed his hand on my knee and gave it a squeeze. "Here, let me make you feel better."

Admittedly, having sex with him does make me feel a lot better. The second round of it was even better than the first and finally managed to get all of that negative energy out of my system. After twenty-eight years of being a virgin, sex was definitely something that I could get used to doing all the time. Suddenly all of those apps like Tinder and Bumble made sense. Sex was amazing, especially when it was with Jackson. I had been fooling myself to think sex was anything other than great - but I was glad that he was the only man that I had been with, and hopefully, ever would be with.

But it was only a temporary fix. The next morning when my alarm goes off and I lay in bed for a few minutes longer, all of the insecure thoughts come rolling back in. I curled up against Jackson, nudging him back awake in the process.

"This isn't going to go well," I whined.

"I thought we talked about this." He murmured, stroking my hair.

"We did." I sighed. "Still not feeling it."

"You're going to be good at this. Every single thing that you've been scared about in the past and ended up doing, you were good at. More than good at. This is just going to be another one of those things. But once we get to work and you get started with all of this, it's going to work for you. I promise."

It was a good pep talk.

But it did go to waste. As much as I wanted everything to work out and to be good at it right off the bat like Jackson seemed to think I was able to be, it was hard to keep my cool. Karev didn't respect me, Yang certainly didn't respect me – Reed and Meredith would at least put on a face and pretend to for as long as they weren't behind my back. I couldn't tell if it was better or worse. At least Izzie seemed genuine. She was the only one other than Jackson that I could really depend on.

Maybe I had set my goals too high.

As chief resident, I wanted to be able to bring something new to the table and make sure that at least all of the attending knew that the right choice had been made. It was pretty clear that the other residents weren't going to feel that way, but maybe I could impress them. The emergency room was my home and the messiest place in the hospital, that was something I knew for sure. I spent way too much time in it to not know that. Owen was great at what he did but he wasn't the best when it came to paperwork and administrative stuff. We were lucky that things had never fallen through the cracks in the past.

So I made a checklist. I was always good at organization and knew exactly what always needed to be done in the ER. Getting up early and heading into work on my own, I get the guys at IT to help me get it set up on the iPads for everyone to use. I thought that it was a great idea and that it would work.

"Dr. Hunt, uh, you forgot to write down on the checklist whether–"

"Kepner, not right now." He barked back at me. "I'm in the middle of this. I don't have time for it."

"Well, actually, it's supposed to save time." I attempted with a forced smile.

"Not right now."

Huffing out a breath, I turned away on my heel and went back to work. I had thought that he would like it because it was meant to make things easier and better in the ER, not the opposite. So much for making a good impression on the first day.

At least at the end of it, I can go home and curl up on the couch with a pint of ice cream all to myself. All of the dairy in it would make my stomach hurt later but I didn't care as long as it got me to unwind. And it does, between that and an ABC marathon of Harry Potter playing on the television. Jackson makes it home a few minutes after me, plopping down on the couch next to me and putting my feet on his lap.

"I heard," he murmured gently.

"I really thought it was going to go better than that." I chewed at the inside of my cheek.

"Tomorrow is a new day. People are probably still a little bitter about it." He pointed out. "They'll get past it."

"I hope that's all it is." I stabbed my spoon into the mint chocolate chip, clearing the spoon. "I want to be good at this. But it's a constant reminder that maybe I'm not the best pick for this job. You would be better at it than I am. People like you and they listen to you."

He rubbed my ankle. "It's not about who's the most liked."

"It sure feels that way," I grumbled.

"It's not." Jackson insisted. "You're smart. The checklist is a good idea and people will come around to it. They just need a little time to work past some jealousy. That's all."

"I hope that you're right." My lips pressed together.

"I am." He smirked. "Now give me some of the ice cream. Do you remember when we were freshmen in high school? You ate two pints of chocolate ice cream and you were in so much pain after."

"I still can't eat chocolate ice cream." The memory made me smile. "But that won't stop me from every other flavor."

He laughed. "You've always been a stress eater."

"It distracts me from the stress. I was going to eat the carrots and hummus in the fridge but this was just easier." I shrugged. "And it tastes better."

"It does," Jackson agreed. "But how about we save the rest of this for after dinner?"

The next day was a new day like he said. Not quite as bad as the first but still far from what I wanted it to be. I wasn't asking for easy but just something that was a little more conquerable than all of this.

Slowly over the next week, the checklist began to become more implemented. Bailey was fine with it as it was and she was the one that seemed to have the most control over everything that was happening in the hospital even if she was just an attending. People respected her and listened to her no matter what it was about, and she was willing to follow it. Other attending began to fall in line with going with it. Once they do, the other residents have no choice but to go along with it so they don't end up screwing something up by ignoring it.

That doesn't mean any of them are nice to mean. That would have been asking too much.

Finishing up with one of the patients who had come into the emergency room with a migraine but nothing else, administering some pain medication and leaving them be. I nearly crash face first into Karev, coming or going.

"Oh–" I huffed out. "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

"Too busy with your little checklist?" He made a mocking face, rushing past.

I stood there for a moment, squeezing my eyes shut and taking a deep breath. There was no point in getting worked up over something like that and I knew it. It wasn't worth getting upset over. I had done that too many times and it only meant that he kept it up. The less that I reacted, the less that he would continue with it. That was what I had always been told.

"Hey," Izzie's soft voice nearly startled me. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." I forced a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little bothered but it's no big deal."

"Try not to let him get to you." She placed her hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "He's rough around the edges but there is a soft, gooey core way down there. It just takes a while to get to. Years, sometimes."

"I'm just trying to keep my head on right." I shrugged and tucked my hands into my pocket. "This year is going to be over before we know it."

"You're right," she agreed. "And for what it's worth, I think that you're doing a pretty good job."

My eyebrows raised. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Izzie nodded. "I do. But it wouldn't hurt if you were willing to stand up to them a little. Snap them into shape." Her pager went off and she looked down it. "I've got to go. But a few of us are going to Joe's tonight. You and Jackson should join us."

"Yeah, we will."

Feeling a little bit better after her words, I send a quick text to Jackson to make sure that he was interested in going to Joe's with everyone else tonight. He replied that it was fine. I'm not sure if having plans for the night made things better or worse, but it does make things go by a little faster.

Once our shift was over, I got changed out of my scrubs and into a pair of jeans and a blouse. I moved my car to the parking lot there in case anyone ended up needing a drive home and so I wouldn't have to walk back across the street when it was dark. I had another early morning tomorrow, something that I had been doing pretty much nonstop since the chief resident announcement had been made, which means that I wouldn't bother actually drinking but at least I could go for the social aspect of it.

Cristina, Alex, Meredith, and Jackson were already sitting at the bar. I made a slow beeline over to join them, sitting on the barstool next to Jackson and away from Alex and Meredith. When Joe came over, I ordered a diet coke.

I try to interject twice in the conversation that they were having and only Jackson ignored me. Izzie joined us at the bar a few minutes later, sitting on the opposite side. Her words from earlier come to mind and it was after the third time that Alex completely ignored me that I finally blurted out what was on my mind.

"Just because you're pissed that I'm chief resident doesn't mean that you can pretend I'm not here."

"No one cares that you're chief resident." Alex mocked me.

"No. You know what? No." I straightened up, trying to make myself taller. "I am your chief resident and you will respect me. Karev? You're on nights in the ER for the next two weeks. I am doing like, 20 jobs in one and no one else is. I am your chief resident, you need to listen to what I say! So unless the rest of you want to be spending your fifth year doing scut, then I suggest you start giving me a little respect."

Izzie and I locked eyes and pride shone in her lights eyes. I gave her a small smile before looking at the stunned expression on Meredith, Alex, and Cristina's faces. I picked up my coke and took a long sip from it, smirking to myself.

"I am going to go pee now," I announced, standing up.

As I walked away, I could hear Cristina's comment. "That was actually respectable. Finally."

Using the bathroom and washing my hands afterward, the door opened and I habitually looked up toward the door in the reflection of the mirror. If it was any other man in the world walking into the women's room in a bar then I probably would have panicked and screamed, but seeing that it was Jackson, I unwound.

"Pretty sure you're in the wrong bathroom." I smiled at him, grabbing a paper towel and drying my hands.

"Anyone else in here?" He asked quietly. I shook my head. "Good."

"Good?" My eyebrows rose as he locked the door behind him.

"You stood up to everyone out there." Jackson stepped toward me so that I was between him and the sink. His hands went to my hips, thumbs hooking around my belt loops. "That was hot."

"You think so?"

He bent down, nipping at my lower lip. "Mmhm. Pretty sure even they know that, even if they won't admit it. I like it when you stand up for yourself like that. It's very sexy."

"I guess I'll have to do it more often." I gave a wide smile.

Cupping my face and pushing me back so that I was pinned against the sink, he kissed me hard. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck to compensate for the fact that he was so much taller than me. Jackson reached down, grabbing my thighs and lifting me up just a bit. He sat me down on the counter and I wrapped my legs around his hips, hooking my ankles behind his back. He took a handful of my ass, pulling me tighter against him.

Kissing him harder than before, I could taste the beer on his lips as his tongue as it slipped inside my mouth. It tasted good. A hand slid up the front of my shirt, beneath my bra and palming my breast roughly. He pinched and tweaked my nipple roughly.

"Feels so good." I groaned.

"I'm going to make you feel even better." He promised.

Jackson pulled me off the counter and turned me around so that I could see both of us in the mirror. He moved my hair to one side of my neck, beginning to kiss and suck along the gentle skin there. He unbuttoned my jeans quickly, pushing them and my panties down to mid-thigh to slip a hand between my legs. His fingers find my clit immediately and began rubbing against the sensitive nub. I pressed back into him as moans slipped out of my lips.

"Gonna get in trouble." I barely got out.

"Worth it." He nipped the skin. "Totally worth it."

"Gotta be fast." I bit my lower lip, pushing back against him again. "I like seeing you like this."

Even if I can't see everything that he was doing, the sound of his zipper going down sends a shiver through my spine. He rubbed the tip of his cock against my wet folds and I spread my thighs as much as I could with the jeans around my thighs. It's extra tight when he pushed inside of me and he groaned, holding tight onto my hip.

"Fuck," he swore. "You feel so goddamn good."

"If you're not fast, everyone's going to know what we're doing." I reminded him.

"Let them."

Hips snapped forward into mine and I gripped onto the sink, body tilting forward with my hips pinned. He began to move inside of me again and his fingers went straight back to my sensitive nub, quick circles paced right with the rhythm of his thrusts moving in and out of me. I can't keep quiet no matter what I was trying to do. Anyone on the other side of the door would have been able to hear both of us clearly. There was no doubt about what we were doing.

His thrusts became progressively more erratic and my grip on the sink slipped, leaning forward so that my forehead was pressed against the cold glass of the sink. With what little wiggle room I had, I moved back against him, squeezing my inner walls around him intentionally.

"Shit, shit–" I knew what he was about to say. "I'm close."

"Come on," I gave him another good squeeze inside me. "Me too."

A few more snaps are given and I feel him slide out of me, feeling the warm splatter messily against my thighs. Panting, my forehead remained against the glass to keep it cool, chest heaving.

Jackson took only a few moments to recover for himself before he fell down to his knees behind me, using his mouth and tongue to clean me up and make sure that I got a release of my own. Two fingers curled inside of me, mouth licking and sucking away loudly. Obscene sounds still took over between the ones leaving my mouth and the ones that he was making and it doesn't take long before the sound of my own orgasm fills the walls of the tiny bathroom, hips bucking against him as he let me ride out the release. My hands flattened against the counter but I stayed hunched for a bit longer.

Unable to speak, I kept myself leaned forward even as he grabbed a paper towel and made sure to clean me up properly. Once my breathing was even again, I stood back up and pulled up my panties and jeans, zipping and buttoning them. I splashed a little water on my face and dried it, trying to look less red.

"Wow." I breathed out.

"Uh-huh," he placed another kiss on the back of my neck. I could see a red spot on the side.

"I've never done anything like that before." The post-sex haze was slowing my brain down.

"I know," Jackson chuckled. "But you liked it, right?"

I nodded. "If there weren't people waiting on us out there, I would…. want to do that again very much." I pushed my hair back out of my face, smoothing it out on each side.

"We have tonight." He reminded me.

I turned around, stretching up on my toes and giving him a quick kiss on the lips. "As long as you don't drink too much."

Heading back out of the bathroom first since I had left first, I kept the empty seat for Jackson between me and the others and used it as an excuse to not say anything to them directly. Hopefully, none of them had noticed that we had been gone for much longer than a typical pee break.

We stayed there long enough that Jackson made his way through the rest of his beer and half of another. Even though he was probably fine, I drive both of us home just to be safe.

The next day, things go better. Perhaps it was because Karev wasn't there during the actual daytime since I had put him on nights in the ER. Knowing that standing up for myself like that had been enough to at least get Cristina a little bit on my side was a good ego boost. Cristina and Meredith were attached at the hip like no one else in the hospital which meant that if I could get one of them on my side, then the other would find their way, too. Plus, if both of them were on my side, that means Alex would end up there once he stopped being pissed at me for putting him on nights at the ER. Reed wouldn't be that difficult. She had a tendency to just go with the flow, no matter what was going on.

A full, peaceful day of work was exactly what I needed.

"Kepner." Owen's gruff voice caught my attention and I snapped up to look at him with wide eyes, full attention shifting to him.

"Yes, Dr. Hunt?" I asked.

"I just wanted to say you did a good job today." He complimented. "I never got a chance to congratulate you on being chief resident, but I'm glad that it's you. The checklist is a good idea. It seems like it's working really well in the ER now that everyone's on the same page again."

A smile crept across my features, trying to keep it from being too large. "Thank you."

"You're becoming a very fine trauma surgeon. I'm glad that you made the cut."

"Thank you," I repeated myself with my smile growing. "That means a lot. You're a good teacher and it's really, really nice to be a level one trauma center." It was much more exciting than Mercy West had been.

It finally felt like things were where they were supposed to be.

The next two days fly by as smoothly as they could have been if you ignored the fact that there was a massive MVC in the emergency room. Of course, for me, that was a good thing. It gave me a chance to make sure that I was getting enough time inside of the ER and not caught up with the administrative aspects of being chief resident. That was what I needed.

Heading downstairs to the locker room so that I could get changed, a familiar and high-pitched voice caught my eye. I turned my head, surprised to Sydney there. She had gotten a fellowship in Oregon for minimally invasive surgery.

Weird. Not wanting to think too much about it given that I was sure that she had friends and I was pretty sure that Jackson had mentioned at one point family here in Seattle, I kept walking. It wasn't until she turned around and there was a small but clear growing bump on her abdomen that made one thing very, very clear. I stopped in my tracks as I opened stared at it. Anyone else in the world and it would have been incredibly rude – no, this probably was rude, too. But that doesn't stop me.

But my boyfriend's ex was pregnant and apparently, she had been at least a couple months. Crap.

"Oh, hi, April," Sydney said, friendly as ever.

"H–hi." The syllable barely comes out.

Rudely, I kept walking right past her, going past my original goal of the locker room to change. She was pregnant and showing. That meant that she was at least… four months, maybe. That was about the same length of time that Jackson and I had been together. It could have been less but it could have been more, too.

It could have been Jackson's baby.

Stopping suddenly in my tracks, I slammed my back into the wall and squeezed my eyes to shut, trying to stop the panic attack in its tracks. But it was there, right in the pit of my stomach. My chest was tightening painfully and I curled around myself, head dropping down and chin resting on my chest. There was no way that he knew about it. He would have told me if he knew – he had always been good and honest, and there was no way that he would lie about something that was this massive. What if that was why she was back in town? Maybe the family that she could have been here for was him instead of some random aunt or cousin.

I was going to be sick. The anxiety was literally sickening and I hurdled myself toward a waste bin to empty out my lunch into the trash can there. Getting rid of what was in my stomach doesn't quell any nausea or anxiety that continued to sit there.

Jackson needed to know. Now.

Stopping in the bathroom to rinse out of my mouth and pat my face dry again, I quickly go to the locker room and got changed. I sent him a text saying that we needed to talk and he answered quickly that he was already waiting for me by the car. It was hard not to just run down to the entrance of the hospital and look like a fool. I'm careful to keep an eye out for Sydney, not wanting to accidentally run into her again. I could not handle that right now.

He was standing by the door and looked calm as a cucumber, doing something on his phone. I stopped in my tracks as I looked at him. He was calm and relaxed, a softness in his features. And I was about to ruin that from him. I sheered to myself, swallowing the fear that made me want to run away and puke again. I hadn't had such intense anxiety like this in months, maybe years.

Straightening my spine and forcing my feet toward him, I forced a smile across my face that felt painfully awkward. There was no way that he wouldn't be able to see through it. "Hi," I uttered.

"Hey." His brows furrowed immediately. "What's wrong?"

"Outside. Or… in the car. Just not here." I jerked my head side to side.

Jackson nodded his head and took my hand, guiding me out of the hospital and toward the parking lot. The cool air hit me and it was just barely sprinkling, not enough that it was worth getting out an umbrella for. When we reached the car and got in it, I'm still not ready to say it.

"What's going on?" He repeated his question and I shook my head.

"Just drive."

By the time that we got home and he parked the car, I was still no more ready to say it than I had been at the hospital. What was there to say in the first place? It was going to be awkward and maybe a little painful say no matter what.

"Sydney's pregnant."

Without any warning or build up to the truth, I drop the bomb on him without any warning. It's inappropriate and I know it, but there was no way for me to try and build up to it with any kind of elegance. There was a possibility that it could be his, a really good one that I didn't want to face. I wanted him to have children, of course, because I wanted children too, though not right now. But I wanted his children to be mine and no one else's. I wanted his first son or daughter to be from me, for all of those important moments to happen between the two of us. If she was having his child, then they would be irrevocably attached to each other for the next eighteen years at an absolute minimum, if not the rest of their lives.

I wasn't ready for him to have another woman in his life like that. I just wasn't. I didn't think that I would ever be able to accept something like that going on. Maybe I wasn't capable of it.

"She's… pregnant?" Jackson questioned as he looked at me, mouth falling agape. "Are you sure?"

"I saw her today at the hospital," I nodded. "And she was visibly pregnant which means… I don't know. She's probably four months along, maybe five. I'm not sure. I didn't ask. I just saw her and panicked and ran away."

"Shit." He swore, running his hand over his face.

"Is it yours?" I asked.

"Don't you think that I would tell you if I knew?" He lashed out. "I don't know. I… maybe. It could be. Shit, this can't be happening, not right now. I…" Wherever he was going with his next sentence, he cut himself off and looked at me. "Get out of the car."

This time, I was looking at him like he was the crazy one. "What?"

"I need you to get out of the car. I'm going to go to her place and talk to her and see what's going on." Oh.

"Okay," I sighed, giving a little nod of my head. Grabbing my bag, I fumbled with the door handle briefly before pushing it open and getting out of the car, turning back to face him once my feet are in the pavement. "I… I love you, Jackson." I reminded him.

"I know," he wet his lips. "I love you too. Shut the door."

Instead of handing inside immediately, I stood in the sprinkling rain and watched him drive away. I stood there for a few minutes longer and let it soak me like it was raining harder than it actually was before I headed inside, kicking off my wet shoes and jacket. Wet jeans come off next and get tossed into the laundry hamper. I should get started on dinner so there would be something to eat by the time that he was home, but I couldn't bring myself to start cooking dinner. I had no interest in eating right now and I imagined that even Jackson, as hungry as he usually was, wouldn't be hungry.

Of course, not having anything to do makes the time drag by even slower. There were scheduling things to be done, a few other administrative tasks that I could do, but I can't focus on anything that I could be doing. He might be having a baby. And it wouldn't be with me.

A tear fell against my hand and indicated to me that I was crying. Hands coming up to wipe away the tears and try to keep and more from falling, I settled down on the couch and beneath one of the throw blankets without bothering to turn on the television. It seemed like he was gone a long time – or maybe I was just being impatient. I hadn't looked at the time when we had first pulled into the driveway. I didn't know how long he had been home.

But the door opened loudly as Jackson stumbled through the front door, dropping his stuff by the door and slamming it behind him. That didn't seem like a good sign.

My voice was dying for me to speak up and ask him what happened but I couldn't get the words out of my mouth no matter how badly I wanted to. I wanted to know what the answer was – but I only wanted to know if it was going to be the answer that I wanted to hear. I didn't know what the odds were. I didn't think that Jackson and Sydney had been that serious, even though I knew that they had been sleeping together. It filled me with jealousy even if I had been with Nathan at the time and it was in the past, and he had broken things off with her.

Maybe that break had been too clean. I almost wished that it had been messier if we wouldn't be here now.

"Hey." He stared at me for a long moment, kicking off his shoes.

"How did it go?" My voice was barely above a whisper and I forced myself to make eye contact with him.

"She is pregnant. Almost four months," Jackson took a deep breath and let out a sigh. "She's keeping it, too, pretty set on that. But it's not my baby. She hooked up with one of the nurses pretty quickly after the two of us broke up. It's not my baby."

I let out a huge sigh, releasing the throw pillow that I had been clutching onto. "Thank God."

"Yeah," he agreed with a nod of his head and sat down on the couch. "Yeah. I'm not ready for that. And I liked her, you know, I'm sure that she's going to be a good parent but I do not want to be in that kind of situation with her."

"Of course," I nodded my head and wet my lips. "I'm just glad that we're not going to have to deal with that. Really, really glad."

"Me too." He sighed, shifting closer to me and kissing me softly. "I'm glad you're the only woman with a permanent role in my life."

"I don't want anyone to be with you in the same way that I'm with you. I know that you've been with plenty of women in the past an that's fine, because it was the past. But... now, it's just me and you. That's all I want." I cupped his cheek, chewing at my lower lip. "I love you so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. No one else but you."

Jackson kissed me gently. "You were first love. And you're going to be my last love, too. I promise."


	10. Chapter 10

**_ JACKSON _ **

There was something odd about Sydney being pregnant. I was glad – grateful even – that it wasn't mine. Our relationship had never been that serious and I'd never considered kids with her, and her moving on so quickly was proof of that even though it hadn't been intentional. But hell, it was weird.

Kids were something that I wanted. Career and family were both something that I saw in my future but right now, in the last year of my residency, I was only really focused on one of those items. April had a role in both. Now that people had started to listen to her and respect her, things with her as chief resident seemed to go pretty well. I'd been jealous at first, undeniably so, but that had faded as she had settled into the role. Hopefully, she would be a part of the future plan of family, too. But neither one of us knew what would happen at the end of our residency. We could stay in Seattle or end up in different parts of the country, different hospitals… the possibilities there were endless. I didn't see us breaking up but certain things might have to be put off for a year or two, depending on how things went.

But in the middle of an important cleft palate surgery was a hell of a distraction from having to think about the drama that was occurring in the hospital hallways. This was the kind of plastic surgery that I liked doing – the kind that could change a kid's life forever, the kind that would make a smile that would last a lifetime. Every surgery was meaningful, of course, but there was something extra special about making a child's life better. Those were the types of surgeries I wanted to spend my life doing.

The skin had been loosened from the hard palate and I made another incision along the gums. This allowed for the tissue of the palate to be stretched and moved toward the middle of the roof of the mouth. The incisions along the gums will be left open to heal over the next three weeks. Closing the layer of the nasal tissue with careful stitches in order to minimize the scarring and make sure that there were no further problems in a careful Z shape, the last layer of sutures were put into the outer layer of tissues. It was pink and swollen, but that would go down. It looked exactly like it was supposed to in every teaching manual, and just like Sloan's procedures did.

"Looks good, Avery," Sloan said as he leaned over to get a look. He had been observing, letting me take the lead and lingering around to make sure that I didn't screw anything up.

"Thank you, Dr. Sloan," I said with a nod of my head.

"So, I heard your ex is pregnant." There is was. I'd been waiting for him to bring it up. "That's gotta be awkward. You and April are still good though, right? I figure I would've heard otherwise."

"We're fine." I resisted the urge to roll my eyes as I finished closing, putting down my instruments. "It's not my kid so it's not like it's something either one of us needs to worry about. She's got her own life, moving on and all, just like I've done."

"Phew," he chuckled. "You nearly bit the bullet with that one."

"Yeah." I agreed. "Glad I didn't."

As the nurses began to take the patient away so that he could recover in post-op, I headed toward the sink to begin to scrub out. It was a successful surgery. No bit of criticism from Sloan which was something that very, very rarely occurred. I always had to take what I could get when it came to him. That naturally meant that he would chatter with what he could.

"There's not much else going on here. Burn unit is pretty cleared out for now," Mark said. "So you can go join your girl in the E.R. if you want."

"Thanks." I grabbed a towel and dried my hands. "Page me if you need anything."

Before heading downstairs to the emergency room, I do a quick check on my other patients on the floor just to make everything was going the way that it should have been. Having a good load of cases fresh on the sheets would be good for taking my boards in about eleven months. It would be a matter of keeping it up between now and then. I wanted to make sure that everything was impressive by the time that I got there. One in five people failed the boards. There were six of us going to take them together. Even if we were a top tier hospital and had better odds than some of the others, there was still a chance that it could be one of us. But I would make sure that it wasn't me.

When I made my way downstairs finally, it doesn't take long to spot my girlfriend. Even though she was rather small in her height and demeanor, the brilliant waves of red hair on her head were always very easy to spot no matter how crowded things were. At the moment, they weren't that crowded which meant it was a good time for me to be down here. Perfect.

"Hey," I greeted as I tapped her shoulder, sneaking up on her.

"Oh–" she breathed out quickly. "Oh, god, Jackson! You scared the life out of me."

"Sorry," I chuckled. "I just finished up with my cleft palate surgery and it couldn't have gone better. Not much left to do up there today so I thought I'd come and see how my girl was doing."

April stretched up her toes and gave me a quick kiss. "Good," she answered. "Things actually aren't – well, I don't want to say it and jinx it, but nothing has been too overrun down here so I'm happy. I did get to pull a piece of rebar out of a guy's neck after he wrapped his car around a pole. That was a bloody mess, but boy, it was so much fun." She lit up when she talked about work.

"Rebar? That had to be something. I hope you took pictures."

"I didn't, but Bailey did and I asked her to send them to me," she replied with a laugh. "It was pretty gnarly."

"Sounds like it," I smiled. My hand came up and I pushed her hair behind her ear. "Do you think have a free minute to go get coffee? I've got a little sucking up that I need to do with the chief resident."

"I think that I can make some time for that." April beamed.

As I reached for her hand, the loud and hoarse coughing of an approaching patient caught both our attention. She turned and I looked over her to see a male approaching with his mouth covered, blood coming up from the coughs. "Excuse me?" The patient spoke. "I've-" Another bloody cough escaped. "Been waiting a while. I really gotta get back to work, I've been out of town on a trip and–"

"Alright, sir. Let's get you back into bed." She spoke to him, glancing back at me.

"Take your time," I said before she got a chance to apologize.

Watching her take the patient back over to the bed that he had previously been on and pull the curtain shut behind her, I lingered where I was standing for a minute. There were things that I could busy myself with easily even if I did want to just spend a few minutes of downtime with her.

Instead of lingering around and waiting for her, I went out to the coffee cart outside of the entrance of the hospital to get coffee for the both of us. I also ordered a slice of the lemon loaf from the cart as I knew that it was one of her favorites – she had a tendency to go for anything fruity which only made her nickname that much more apt for her. It doesn't take me long to get two coffees and that, pausing to sweeten hers just the way that she liked it, before I headed back toward the emergency room.

When I arrive, nothing was the way that it had been as it had been when I left.

Then, things had been relatively calm. There was rarely such a thing as a slow day in the ER and saying that was almost a key to jinxing it, which was undoubtedly why April had been careful earlier not to call it that. The ER had been rather quiet as far as noise went and not all of the beds were filled, which was about all that a level one trauma center could ask for in the middle of the week. But apparently just thinking it had been enough to cause an outbreak of utter chaos in the few minutes that I had been gone.

Now, the clear glass doors to the ER had been shut. No amount of scanning my badge or trying to open them manually would change the fact that they had been electronically locked. There was no way in or out of the emergency room.

On the inside of the doors, masks were covering all of the patient's and staff's face that I could see. Straining my eyes and getting close to the glass, I tried to spot April. There was no sign of her typical red hair which could have been a good thing. Maybe she had stepped out of the ER for some reason – she could have been paged elsewhere, she could have gone for more supplies, or up to radiology. I reached into my pocket and sent her a quick text, trying not to act too alarmed. There was no reason for her to know that I was panicking, especially if she didn't know what was going on down here.

Trying to be patient doesn't go well. There was no immediate reply from her. There was no code pink or anything else playing over the PA system that would have explained a whole hospital lockdown. Instead, this was isolated in the emergency room. It was hard to know whether that was good or bad. Squinting, the ambulance bay door opened and men in hazmat suits began to walk in, looking around. My eyes followed them as they opened up the curtains of one of the patient beds. It was then that I finally got a flash of red hair and saw April, blood splattered on her gown and mouth covered with a mask.

Fuck.

Not wanting to wait any longer, I got my phone back out of my pocket and dialed April quickly. "Come on, come on, come on…" I muttered under my breath, listening to the line ring. After five rings, it eventually went to her voice mail and I hung up before sending her another text.

"Do you know what's going on?" A nurse, Janet, asked as she approached the shut doors, carrying gauze pads in her hand.

"No," I shook my head. "No clue."

"The ER went into lockdown." An orderly that I didn't recognize answered, stopping next to the two of us. "Dr. Kepner's patient apparently has Ebola. I overheard the Chief called the CDC about it. They have to make sure that it doesn't spread any further."

"Ebola?" I echoed his words, making sure that I had heard him correctly.

"Yeah. Cool, isn't it?" The orderly smiled as if it was no big deal before walking away.

My stomach curdled as I looked inside the ER again. Things seemed to settle into place now with no one moving aside the men in hazmat suits. It seemed as if they were prepping the area around April and where her patient had been, probably so the rest of the ER could resume normal business and so the patient could be moved to a proper isolation room. Wherever he went, it was likely that April would have to go along with him.

"I need to get in there," I muttered out loud.

"Dr. Avery, you know that's not possible." Janet gave me a sympathetic look. She must have known April was in there.

I sighed. She was right, of course. It was against protocol and there was physically no way for me to get into the emergency room as long as lockdown protocol was in place. I was just going to have to wait it out.

"Please answer…" I grumbled as I tried to call her again. "Please."

The phone inevitably went to voicemail again and I let out a heavy sigh, pacing along the length of the door. This hadn't been what Mark meant when he told me to go down to the ER, but now plastics certainly wouldn't be getting any cases from the ER. My phone vibrated and I quickly looked down to see the message.

_[Received] Hey. Sorry. Can't talk._

_[Sent] Are you okay?_

Immediately after hitting send, I realized how idiotic the text sounded. She was in lockdown with a possible Ebola patient, there was no way that she was okay. I sighed. Even if it would have been a risk, I still wanted to be on the other side of the doors so I could make sure that things were okay with her. At least now, things were apparently under control enough that she could send me a text.

_[Received] Yeah. Being extra cautious. They're getting ready to move both of us to an isolation room._

_[Sent] Do you have to be in one? Or are you being a good doctor?_

_[Received] They're going to have to run my blood to confirm and make sure that he didn't give anything to me. I'll stay with him until those results come back._

Her information didn't actually make me feel any better about what was going on.

Working at the hospital ran any kind of risk. The emergency room especially did – you never knew who or what was coming inside of the emergency room. Some of the insanity that had come into the hospital over the years was hard to believe. But I wasn't prepared for this. I couldn't imagine that she was, either, no matter how good she was at her job.

"What's going on down here?" Meredith asked as she came up behind me. I turned over my shoulder to see that Cristina was right behind her.

"The ER is in lockdown," I answered, turning back to face the doors. "Possible patient with Ebola."

"Seriously?" Cristina questioned. "Wow."

I sighed. "Yeah."

"Is anyone in there?" Meredith asked.

"Yeah," I repeated with a nod. "April is. It's her patient."

"Shit," Cristina swore. I could feel her eyes on me as if waiting for me to freak out. "That sucks." What a goddamn understatement. I didn't want to get upset in front of her or anyone else. That kind of vulnerability was something that I had reserved for April.

My phone buzzed and immediately, I checked the message on it.

_[Received] They're getting ready to move us. We can talk through the glass once we're set up there._

"They're getting ready to move them," I announced, finally looking over at Meredith and Cristina. Both of them looked concerned. Another sigh escaped as I lifted my weight between each foot. I hoped they would be quick about getting them set up. A text from her was nice, but it was nothing compared to actually being able to talk to her myself. "Fifth floor."

Meredith and Cristina grow bored of it and walk away. I continued to stay by the glass doors as they begin to move things out of the emergency room, arms folded restlessly in front of my chest. As soon as April, her patient, and the people in the hazmat suit had dispersed from the ER, the rest of the people in the room began to return to normal activity. I knew it would take a few minutes to get everything set up upstairs – so I take the stairs all the way up to the fifth floor, taking my time. I could go up faster, that's not a problem for me. But every minute that I slowly walked up the stairs was a minute that I didn't have to stand around doing nothing on the fifth floor. I wasn't sure how long I was going to make it like that.

Reaching the top floor of the hospital, I let out a sigh as I glanced around. The imaging center and laboratory services were both on this floor of the hospital, it had the least amount of patients and personnel. It would make putting April and the patient into isolation easier here than anywhere else.

"Where's Dr. Kepner and her patient?" I questioned one of the passing oncology nurses.

"Room 5302," Liz answered and kept walking.

Hurrying down the hallway toward the room, the men in hazmat uniforms are easy to spot outside of her door. She was now dressed up in a suit of her own from what I could see on the other side of the glass. They must have gotten rid of the scrubs that had been covered in the man's blood. I glanced down at myself, making sure none from earlier was on me. It was just a cough – it would have had to pass into her body for her to be injected. She was smart, safe. Surely it hadn't happened…

"April!" I called out, waving my hand to grab her attention. She turned around.

I could see her mouth my name but couldn't hear her from the distance. One of the men in the hazmat suits heard my voice and turned toward me, holding up his hand to stop me.

"You shouldn't be up here," he grumbled.

"I'm a doctor. It's fine." It's a bullshit excuse. "I need to see Dr. Kepner and her patient. I'll stay on this side of the glass." For now. Normally I was good at thinking before accepting but having her on the other side of this made it much more difficult.

The man didn't put up any fight and I moved over toward the glass, standing opposite from her. She placed her hand upon the glass and I mirrored her, wishing I could feel her warm touch instead of the cold glass. I would do anything or it.

"Hey, can you hear me?" I asked.

"Yeah," April answered. I was relieved to hear the sound of her voice. "Hi."

"I shouldn't have left you." The coffee and muffin that I had gotten for us had been left behind somewhere – I hadn't even realized my hands were empty until I looked down at them.

"Then you would just be stuck in here with me," she shook her head. "You don't want that."

"I don't want to be on the other side of it without you." I chewed at my inner cheek.

Her head continued to shake. "Don't be ridiculous. I'm fine and then both of us would just be bored in here." Her hand slid down the glass and fell down to her side. "I promise, that's the worst part of being in here. My patient is unconscious and being treated, and I'm just standing around, as bored as could be. I want to actually be practicing medicine."

I laughed. "Only you would call this boring."

"Seriously, it is!" April smiled as if this was the most normal thing in the world. "What else am I supposed to do? They took my blood and my clothes, and my phone once we were in here."

"You possibly have an Ebola patient and you're still managing to complain about it." I shook my head. Her smile infected me and I could feel my own begin to stretch across my patient. "Do you know if you got any of the blood in you? How did you even piece together Ebola?"

"No. Absolutely not." She shook her head firmly. "His fever was so high, he's had diarrhea, he was vomiting and had horrible stomach pain, unexplained bruising on his arms. And a week ago he was in the Congo which is having an outbreak right now."

"Shit." So she was probably right with her guess.

"Yeah…" she nodded her head. "Pretty rough. But he's here, which means his chances are already better."

"How is he doing now?" I asked.

"Well, he's unconscious, so at least he's not in any pain now." April looked over her should back at the patient before her gaze returned to me. "His fever is dropping some but that's probably just from the medication." She assessed.

Before I could ask any further questions about him, the sound of two commanding voices chattering from the hallway drew my attention. I turned my head to see Dr. Webber and Dr. Bailey approaching. Hopefully, neither one of them would be annoyed with the fact that I was here instead of finding something else to keep me busy. It wasn't like anyone didn't know we were together now. They would know exactly why I was here. Anyone would have.

"Kepner, what's going on here?" Webber asked.

"I'm almost positive my patient has Ebola," she answered. "High fever, abdominal pain, vomiting, diarrhea, bruising, and he just got back from the Congo which is having an outbreak of the virus right now. He confirmed that he could have been in contact with someone who had the virus but he wasn't sure. The lab has his blood and my blood to test for the virus."

"Oh, good Lord…" Bailey sighed out, pinching the bridge of her nose and shaking her head. "Okay. Kepner, you keep doing what you're doing in there. Whatever you do, do not let that man die. We don't know who all he's been in contact with."

"Right. As soon as he's up, I'll get to working on that." She confirmed with a nod of her head.

"The CDC is on their way here. They'll get to work on it once they're here," Webber spoke.

"Of course, I–" April stopped suddenly, blinking a few times before grabbing her stomach. Her nose scrunched up and her brows drew together. I knew that face. She was nauseous.

"April?" I questioned.

"Kepner, what's going on?" Dr. Bailey asked.

She didn't give an answer. Instead, she clutched harder at the top that she was wearing and suddenly tore off the protective gear that she had over her head. She threw herself over a biohazard bin and threw up into it. I cringed as I watched. Someone vomiting in front of me was common, especially as a surgeon given the side effects of general anesthesia, but it was different to see her doing it. Especially knowing what she had just been exposed to and the fact that nausea was a side effect. Fuck.

"Kepner!" Bailey shouted.

"I'm– I'm fine," she wiped off her face with the back of her hand before grabbing a towel. "I'm fine. I swear."

"Clearly that's not true," Webber pointed out. "Kepner, you need to sit down. Now. I'm going to come in there with you."

"Avery, why don't you make yourself useful and go see if the results are in yet?" Bailey requested.

"Dr. Bailey, I–"

"Avery, go now." She ordered.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I nodded my head before turning sharply on my heel and walking back down the hallway. I have to glance back at her but it's hard to figure out what was going on without being able to hear them. Fortunately, the lab was on this floor and something like this would have been a top priority. I'd seen the pictures of what Ebola looked like under a microbe and it was easily identifiable. Either an ELISA or RT-PCR had been run. Whatever they had chosen, they would have to work their ass off to make the diagnosis. Something with the potential to be as big as this, there would be no lulling like the lab occasionally did.

When I arrived at the desk, the usual attendant wasn't there. I leaned forward to peer past it, letting out a sigh and clearing my throat. "Excuse me?" I called out. Tapping my fingers against the countertop loudly, a few seconds passed before a gangly-looking male appeared. Finally.

"Yes?" He questioned.

"Do you have Dr. Kepner's lab results? For the possible Ebola patient?" I asked with a raise of my eyebrows.

"Oh, man, we were just looking at the patient's ones. You should see it, man, it's incredible." He – Leonard, according to the name tag – enthused.

"What does that mean?" I snapped.

"Oh, right, the results. Just a second." He turned away from me and the tapping of my fingers became louder and more persistent with each second that I had to wait. These guys had a lot of work back here and I generally tried not to be an asshole to them, but this was pushing my luck even if it's only a few brief moments. "Here you go. The patient is positive for the Ebola virus." He answered.

"And what about Dr. Kepner?"

"Still running her results." He shrugged his shoulders.

Sighing, I don't bother to thank him as I headed back down the hallway to get the results to April, Webber, and Bailey. Webber was geared up and inside of the room with April and her patient, Bailey still lingering on the other side of the glass and watching every single thing. I handed the results of the patient's blood test over to Dr. Bailey.

"He tested positive for Ebola," I announced. April and Dr. Webber both looked over with wide eyes.

"What about Kepner?" Webber asked.

"They don't have her bloodwork yet," I answered uneasily.

"But she's already begun to show some symptoms." Bailey sighed out, flipping through the patient's results. "Let's get fluids started for you, Kepner. We don't want things getting worse."

"All I did was throw up." She threw out a hand. "That doesn't mean anything. It could be anything!" She protested.

"Well, better safe than sorry," Bailey insisted. "You need to take it easy until we get those results back. And if you don't have the virus, then I want to know definitively whatever it is you do have. Let's go ahead and draw some more blood so we can run a CBC and full blood panel for you." She instructed.

My eyes don't leave April as Webber got the blood draw kit and took tubes of her blood. She looked pale now that I had a moment to sit here and just watch her. She had always been pale, the sun only ever giving her more freckles and never any more color. She doesn't get any paler after the blood is drawn, which I guess had to be a good thing. When Webber brought out the labeled tubes of her blood, I carried them back down the hallway toward the lab. If there was something abnormal in the results of her prior tests or these new ones, I didn't know what the hell we were going to do. It really seemed like we had just gotten started with our life and having a steady place. Sure, it'd been a few months. But now with an end in sight to our residency, it didn't seem fair to have a catastrophe thrown our way.

"I've got more bloodwork for Dr. Kepner," I announced. Again, Leonard or the others working there were nowhere in sight. But her name was enough to get him there quickly, the same giddy look of naive excitement clear on his features.

"Great," he smiled, taking it. "CBC? Oh, that's boring. But we'll get it done ASAP," he said.

"Do you have the results from her first test?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah," Leonard stated like an afterthought. "I'll grab it."

"What is it?" I called out after him as he walked back to grab it, returning moments later and handing it over.

"Negative for Ebola. Do you still need the other tests?" He asked.

"Yeah, with a rush on it," I nodded, letting out a sigh. I opened up the results and looked at them myself, giving a shake of my head. "Thanks," I muttered as I began to walk back toward the isolation room.

Scanning my eyes over the results, I tried to take it as good news. She didn't have Ebola – or it could have just been too soon for it to show up on the blood test. They would have to run it again in a couple of days to know affirmatively that she didn't have the virus if that was the actual situation. Nausea was a sign of a lot of things, nonspecific to Ebola. Watching her temperature would be important too. I knew that Webber was among the best and that he could take fine care of her, that he was certainly better than I was, but I wanted to be in the room with her. Not him.

"April tested negative for Ebola," I announced as I returned to them, handing the file to Bailey again. "The lab said that they would put a rush on getting back her results."

"Good," Bailey said, looking at the results and shaking her head.

"It could take a few days for the virus to show up in her blood work." Webber reminded us. My teeth ground together, shaking my head. It had to be a stomach bug, something trivial and poorly timed. It couldn't be anything as serious as the Ebola virus.

"I'm just a little nauseous, guys," April complained as she spoke up for herself. "There's no way it's something that serious. I'm sure it's just a stomach bug. We had Chipotle for dinner last night. It could have been a bad burrito."

"Hopefully that's all that it is," Bailey announced. "But until we know, you're staying put."

"You're going to be fine." I smiled softly at her.

"I need to get going, but Avery, I want you to page me the second that we have any more information about Kepner. Dr. Webber, what are you going to do?" All of our attention turned toward the chief.

"I'm going to stay." He decided with a firm nod of her head.

Dr. Bailey didn't seem particularly happy with his decision but there was nothing that could be done to change his mind. He was just as stubborn as she was. Even if there were a few things that I would have liked to have said to April without anyone else around, I was glad that there was a senior and experienced doctor here. But Ebola was something that no one at the hospital had ever dealt with before. It was rare. Reading could help but it would only go so far.

Time dragged on. No amount of pacing up and down the length of the hallway could make up for the fact that she was on one side of the glass and I was on the other side.

Webber was clearly getting restless with this too but I could tell that he didn't want to go anywhere. April remained sitting down in one of the chairs, slouched down completely. She made a few complaints about being stuck in there when she felt as if she was fine, all of which was shot down. I wanted her out too, but I found myself siding with Webber and his persistence to listen to what Bailey had said and not make an affirmative move until we had all of the possible answers. I hated waiting games. It meant that nothing could be done on my end. That was what I hated.

"Hey," I curled my finger and motioned April over toward the class so we could attempt to have some privacy. "I love you."

"I know," she smiled softly at me. "I love you too, and I think that you're overreacting."

"Probably," I huffed out sheepishly. "But I hate that you're stuck in there."

"You know what I want to do when I get out?" April questioned. I raised my eyebrows and waiting for her to continue. "I want to go to that Italian place down the block from the apartment. I want a glass of wine and… either lasagna or fettuccine alfredo with shrimp. I can decide later." She smiled.

A laugh slipped out and I nodded my head. "Yeah, sure. We can go out for dinner. I think I could use a glass of wine after a day like today, too." That felt like an understatement.

"Maybe we can ever split some tiramisu."

"You never do dessert," I commented. "You must really be sick of being in there." Before I could say anything further, my pager went off. I pulled it off the elastic of my waistband and glanced down at it. "Shit, your results are ready. I'll be right back. I promise."

Forcing a quick smile, I jogged down the hallway toward the lab. This time, there was a line of people waiting outside of the window. Any other time and I would have had to sit back and wait, but undoubtedly, this was the kind of case that took priority over everything else that was going on. I rushed past the line of people that was waiting and stepped in front of one of the third year resident who was at the front of the line without giving it a second thought, interrupting him.

"Dr. Kepner's results?" I requested.

"Here you go." Leonard handed them over.

Moving back down the length of the hallway, I scanned through the results on the blood panel. Red and white blood cells were both completely normal, the latter of which was a good thing. White blood cells would have been higher if her body was fighting off a disease or infection. There was nothing else abnormal that would have indicated that her body had some kind of infection. Her hemoglobin and platelet levels were also completely normal. Everything on the pieces of paper in front of me looked normal as I flipped through them. I couldn't tell if I did or didn't want to find an abnormality on it. Maybe that was the reason that I couldn't find anything on here. A lack of answers was hard, but having one… that had to be harder, didn't it?

"What is it?" Webber asked as I approached them. I shook my head as I continued to go through them a second time, looking for whatever it was that was out of place. Everything was normal.

Everything except…

"Shit," I breathed out, eyes widening.

"What is it?" April asked, having gotten up from her chair.

"I know why you threw up, and it's not Ebola," I said, taking a deep breath and looking up at her. "April, you're pregnant."


	11. Chapter 11

**_ APRIL _ **

"And…. here's your baby!" Dr. Ryan announced.

On the ultrasound monitor, two little white blobs were attached to the lower portion of the placenta built up inside of my uterus. Head and the rest of the body, presumably. The baby growing inside of me was only six weeks along and two days along, and impossible for anyone who wasn't familiar with how an ultrasound looks would have never guessed that two tiny blobs would be a baby. It was no bigger than the size of a pea. Even with my medical degree and four years of practicing beneath my belt, I still felt like the thing that I was staring at wasn't a baby. But it was. Not only was it a completely real baby, but it was my baby. Jackson's baby. Our baby. That was something that I had wanted for years and years, yet now that it was finally here in front of me, I felt frozen.

I placed my hand down on my abdomen, just beneath my sternum so that it wasn't in Dr. Ryan's way. It explained nausea and made much sense than Ebola did, given that I shouldn't have shown symptoms yet. I had been cleared and the patient was now dead. Pregnancy would explain the fact that I had cried after calling time of death – I was hormonal.

"Wow," I breathed out, eyelids fluttering. "That's… wow. That's a baby."

"It is," Jackson muttered as he leaned forward, his hands folding in front of his mouth and covering it up. It obscured part of his expression, but not his eyes which were transparent despite the mixture of emotions there. "Huh. You didn't… suspect anything?" He glanced at me.

"No," I shook my head and wet my lips, mouth feeling dry.

"Are we considering termination?" Dr. Ryan asked slowly, her gaze flickering between the two of us. The simple question brought upon a wave of panic.

"No, no, absolutely not," I answered firmly. That wasn't an option for me.

Her fingers clicked against the keys. "Alright, well, I'm going to print off a copy of this for you to have. You'll need to schedule a follow-up with me at twelve weeks and we'll make sure that everything is still progressing smoothly."

"Uh, Dr. Ryan, is there anything we should be worried about or can be testing regarding the exposure that April had?" Jackson asked, straightening up and looking at me. "Some kind of screening…?"

"Because April didn't have the active virus, there's no reason to believe that the fetus would have it in any way. However, if you're still interested, we can do a CVS test which would look for genetic abnormalities or birth defects, as well as a few other problems, which can be done between ten and thirteen weeks. There's also an amnio, which is slightly more accurate and done between about sixteen and twenty weeks." Dr. Ryan explained everything. Most of it I already knew and I shook my head, unable to stay silent.

"No, I don't need any of that." I shook my head. "Can I just have the picture, please? I need to get back to work."

"Of course." She handed the photo over to me. "I'll let you get back to it."

With the photo in my hands, my chin dropped down as I stared at the same little blobs that had been on the screen. They're no more clear on a physical copy of the image than they had been on the screen. But there was no doubt in my mind that little cluster of cells was a perfect mixture of Jackson and me. It was unexpected, but I knew exactly what it really was: a precious gift from God.

The timing was inconvenient and there was no way to try and deny that. I was chief resident and this was the last year of residency, my due date was only a couple of weeks before we would be responsible for taking our boards which would disrupt absolutely everything. Jackson might be able to have something at least resembling normal, but I would be on maternity leave. This meant when it came to interviewing for fellowships and positions at other hospitals, no one was going to take me. Even if it was illegal to discriminate against pregnant women, it still happened. This would permanently alter the course of both of our lives… but it was still our baby.

"We should talk about this," Jackson said as I stood up, pulling back down my scrub top.

"What about?" I asked.

"This. You're pregnant." He motioned to my stomach. "And– you know, we just dealt with the whole Sydney thing. I thought it was clear that kids were the distant future, not right now. Also, the thing about no tests? What was that?"

"What? It's not like I planned this." My brow furrowed. "It just happened. And… yeah, the timing sucks, but it's our baby. That's our baby, Jackson. That's beautiful."

"I just think that it would be good for both of us to sit down and talk about this. There's a lot to figure out." He scratched the back of his head. "Your mind is made up and I get that, but I would like to chance to talk about everything. Like, for example, getting tested. That's the kind of thing that would be wise to know about. You're a doctor, you know that."

"I should get back to work." I glanced down at my watch. "I'll see you at home."

If there's a conversation to be had, I don't know what to say.

Pushing past him despite the little noise of protest that he made, I quickly hurried down to the emergency room. Dr. Hunt would notice if I was late and I needed to work my way through everything going on in my head. I was going to have to take precautions in the ER and start taking prenatal vitamins. X-rays would have to be avoided. I'd have to be more cautious with wearing face masks around patients to avoid catching anything. There was no way that I would be able to keep this secret for very long. Bailey and Webber already knew, and now Hunt would be added to that list.

All I want to do is work and get out of my head but the first patient that came rolling into the emergency room had a clear broken leg and possible pelvic fracture. It meant that he needed an x-ray, the one thing that I couldn't be around for.

"Can we hold off on the x-ray for just a minute?" I squeaked out as Dr. Hunt pulled it in.

"No," Hunt shook his head. "We need it now."

"Just– one minute," I requested, swallowing thickly. "I need to step out."

"Kepner, I need you here." He didn't look up at me to see the panic that I could feel settling in. "It's just an x-ray, it'll only take a minute and we need the results."

"I can't." The pitch of my voice jumped up. "I'm pregnant. Just wait!"

Finishing clamping where I was working, I stripped off the gloves in my hands and threw them harshly into the biohazard bin before stepping out without waiting for anyone in the room to reply. It was too early to tell people and yet all of my bosses knew. That meant that more people were going to know and I didn't know how to get a handle on it.

The E.R. looked the exact same that it always did. Something should have been different. My life was changing but other things looked like they were staying the exact same.

My phone buzzed with a text message from Jackson and I don't look at it immediately. We would talk tonight – I could keep my word on that much but I didn't know what to say just yet. It seemed as if he didn't share the same excitement. I wasn't sure what that meant for us. It had already seemed as if we were forever attached to one another and now, there was really something that would attach us like that. What if he really didn't want the baby?

"Kepner." Dr. Hunt barked my name and I turned around with wide eyes.

"Dr. Hunt, I'm so sorry– I shouldn't have done that, that was totally unprofessional and again, I am so sorry for stepping out of line like that."

"Stop." He held his hand up. "You don't need to apologize."

"Uh," I blinked quickly. "What?"

"I'm happy for you, Kepner." His hand clapped onto my shoulder. "I wish you would have told me before we went into the room together, but don't apologize. This is good news."

"Oh." Finally, someone had said something positive. "Okay. Thank you, Dr. Hunt."

"If you want to take the rest of the day off, just let me know." He suggested.

I shook my head quickly. "No. No, I don't need that or want that. I'm fine. I want to be here."

"Alright. Then let's get to work."

Keeping my mind all consumed by work and avoiding cases that needed x-rays, it felt nice to just do my job. Doing my job was a lot better when I wasn't inside an isolation room with an Ebola patient. The news coverage of it over the past few days had been insane and another patient had come up, but the CDC had taken over instead of letting him come to our hospital. Last that I had read on the news, he was still in critical condition.

I had gotten lucky.

That was something that I needed to actually keep consciously in mind when talking to Jackson. Maybe I could make him see things the same way that I did. He would see what I saw. He had to.

When I left the hospital, his car was already gone from the parking lot. But when I get home, it's not parked where I expect it to be. There was no other car in the driveway. The house was empty. Turning on the light for the kitchen, I looked around. He hadn't gotten home yet – maybe he had gone to pick up dinner, or something else. I turned on the television so it wasn't so quiet, making myself a cup of tea and settling down on the couch to wait for him. Eventually, there was the sound of the front door opening and shutting.

"Hey," I called out, straightening up. "I thought that you left before me."

"Yeah," he scratched the back of his neck. "I had to run an errand, sorry. I thought I might still beat you home."

"Oh, okay," I wet my lips. "Do you still want to talk?"

"Yeah, I do."

Jackson set down his work bag and put his jacket down on the counter. I don't criticize him for not using the hook this time, holding off despite the instinct. Leaning forward, I put my cup of tea down on a coaster on the table, folding my hands in my lap. My thumbs twiddled around one another, unable to bury that little bit of anxiety.

"Um, so…" I started slowly. My bottom lip caught between my teeth, not sure where to go.

"I'm in. All the way." Jackson blurted out

"What?"

"I know that it might not be what you planned or how you planned it but we can do this. We'll get married – have an awesome kid, be amazing parents. I'm in." There was near enthusiasm in his voice with the way that he spoke about it, a complete turn around from the hesitation that I had seen in him this morning.

Slowly, I gathered myself before speaking. "Don't say that if you don't mean it."

"I mean it. We can do this." He replied without hesitation.

"Do you really mean that? I mean, this morning… You seemed so ambivalent about it. Like it was something that had just been dumped into your lap and you were forced to deal with it." I expressed hesitantly, brows drawing together.

"I want this. We get married, we have a house and a yard. A big yard." Jackson enthused. A wide-toothed smile was across his face, his eyes sparkling as he looked down at me.

"We have a wedding." I echoed his sentiment, matching his smile.

"A huge freaking wedding." He laughed, nodding his head.

"In a field with butterflies." That was the thing that I had dreamed of since I was a little girl. A big, wide-open field with everyone that I loved gathered around, monarch butterflies flying around the two of us. And when I was a little girl, he was the one that I had imagined standing at the end of the altar, waiting for me. Even if I didn't see myself as a pregnant bride, or a mother going down the aisle, there was still something. There was still everything.

His head nodded along with everything that left my mouth. "Butterflies, a field, whatever you want. With our family – your family, my mom, everyone's going to be there."

With his hands cupping my face, he leaned into me and kissed him. I returned the kiss with a surge of energy, a second wind that I hadn't realized was there. His tongue slipped into my mouth and I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling myself onto his lap. His hands gripped onto my hips and I wrapped my legs around his waist. This was the way that we had gotten into this situation in the first place. The space between us disappeared as I pressed into him.

"Are you sure we can do this?" I questioned, pulling away with a gasp for air.

"We can do this," Jackson affirmed.

Another firm kiss was pressed against my lips, his hands shifting to my ass and squeezing it firmly. I groaned against his lips, fingers running through his hair. His curls were beginning to grow out just a bit more than he usually let them and it was a new texture.

"Wait, there's one more thing," he muttered against my lips. He pulled away from me, tucking my hair behind his ear. "My errand."

I shifted back for a little space, continuing to sit on his thighs. "What?"

"This." He reached into the pocket of his pants and I lifted up slightly to make sure that I wasn't in his way. A moment later, a small black box was revealed from the inside of his jeans. My eyes widened as I stared down at it and he looked up at me briefly before opening up the box. A delicate-looking, silver ring was sit inside, a rose designed in the center of it with the diamond set in the middle. It was beautiful.

"That's… wow. Jackson, it's beautiful. It is so beautiful." I found his gaze.

"I mean it. I mean every word of it. We can do it. So marry me, and we'll have this baby." There was a question inside of Jackson's words and I nodded my head.

"Yes. Yes, we're going to do it."

Removing the ring from the box, Jackson slid it onto my ring finger. It fit perfectly, just a little snug. It was small enough to be subtle but certainly gorgeous enough to still draw compliments once attention was on it. It was perfect. I can't believe that he had managed to find it on a whim.

That night when we make love, there was something different there.

Maybe a part of it was some kind of physical sensation with the differences that my body had begun to go through with our child growing inside of me. Or maybe it was the perfect little ring on my finger that gave a tangible signal to the rest of the world, letting them know that he loved me and I loved him, that we were going to spend the rest of our lives dedicated to one another. It would display our love until my stomach became large enough with our child that it would draw all of the attention of wandering eyes. Both, likely.

There was definitely no sense in hiding either element of truth from everyone else. Between all of the doctors and nurses that we worked with, it was unlikely that it would stay hidden for long. People would be able to piece it together. The longer I stared at myself in the mirror, the more that I could convince myself that maybe my breasts did look a little bigger than usual. Morning sickness would be hard to hide, too.

"Guys, there's something that we want to say," I announced to the group.

The chief resident had an office every year but as soon as the others had found out that it was mine, they had deemed it theirs as well. Alex, Cristina, and Meredith were all crowded onto the couch with Izzie sitting on the arm of the furniture. Reed was leaning against the door, staring at her phone even as I spoke.

"You're pregnant." Cristina blurted out.

"What?" I squatted. "How did you know?"

"Your boobs. You've been extra perky lately. It's annoying." She glanced at her nails as she spoke.

I took a deep breath. "Well, yes, I am." I slipped my hand into the pocket of my scrub pants, slipping the engagement ring onto my finger. "Jackson and I are expecting. And we are also engaged." I held out my hand to show off the ring. Izzie and Reed both leaned forward, complimenting its unique design and beauty.

"Congratulations," Izzie chimed in with a genuine smile, standing up to hug Jackson and me.

"And before any of it can start," Jackson started, clearly looking at Alex. "No jokes about it being because we're pregnant, okay? Try and leave that kind of crap for high school. It's just immature at this point."

I smiled at him. It would probably come either way, but I appreciated that he was still trying for me.

"What are you going to do about your boards? The timing isn't great." Meredith asked.

"That's a question for the future." I tapped my nails against the desk, no answer for her. There was time to figure that out. "Which Jackson and I will figure out. But right now, I think it would be a good idea for all of us to just get to work. Reed, you have nights on the E.R. this week. Karev, you're teaching the skills labs on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Meredith, you have Tuesday and Thursday. There is also a transplant chain this week… which only four of us will be able to scrub in on. So, keep that in mind."

Even if there wasn't much else that I could do to scare them off, the pull that I had as the chief resident was still a little bit of something that I could take advantage of. Technically it wasn't taking advantage of it, even though it felt like it just a little bit. It was just doing my job.

Everyone cleared out of my office slowly upon the possibility of getting in on a chain transplant surgery. Something like that being successful would look great on the books for the boards. I needed to be on it. I'd pretty much already picked out who I wanted on it, me, Cristina, Jackson, and Meredith. Even if the other women occasionally drove me crazy, they were good at what they did. Especially Cristina.

"Are you coming?" Jackson asked, lingering in the doorway.

"Yeah," I smiled. "Just a little bit of paperwork first, then I'll be there."

Filling out the last of the forms that I needed to get done today, I signed off it and let out a heavy sigh, dropping the pen against my desk. Things were going to get busier and busier in the next few months. A baby, a wedding. That was a lot.

Once it was taken care of, I grabbed my white coat from the back of the door and slid my arms into it. It felt nice to be able to show off my ring just a little bit.

Or at least, it did until I turned the corner and landed my eyes on my ex-boyfriend. I tried not to stiffen in surprise. Of course, I saw him all the time in passing, in crowded places, and usually… well, I would avoid him unless it was medically necessary for the safety of a patient. With Cristina always on cardio, though, it was usually easy to avoid. Pressing my lips together in a thin line, I took a deep breath through my nose and smiled at him. There was no reason that I couldn't be friendly to him. My life was in a good place and I was really, really happy. Everything happened for a reason and even if, in retrospect, things with him hadn't been perfect, they had helped put me where I am today.

"Hey, Nathan." I smiled and tucked my hands into my pockets.

"Hey," he smiled back at me and glanced down. "I heard congratulations are in order."

"Yeah." I touched my flat stomach with my right hand. "Thank you."

"Not showing off the ring yet?" His accent seemed especially thick with the question.

"Oh, I thought you meant the baby," I blushed and shook my head, folding my left hand over my right and giving a shrug of my shoulders. "I guess I'm doing both."

His brow furrowed. "Wait, what?" Nathan questioned. "You're pregnant too?"

Oh, no. This was awkward.

"Yeah," I smiled and nodded my head, glancing down at my feet and my weight rocking between toes and heels. "Not very far but it's kind of a hard thing to hide working in a hospital with all of the doctors and, well, the x-rays. It kind of just is out there with everything else."

"Huh," he huffed out. "I thought you were waiting till marriage."

"It… uh, I mean, sort of. No. Waiting for the guy I would marry, I guess. Not that I… questioned the validity of our relationship at the time even though maybe I should have." Oh, this wasn't going well. "I've known Jackson forever. He's my person. I'm sorry."

"It's alright," Nathan shifted uncomfortably. "It's– you know, it is what it is. But congratulations. I am happy for you. I know that you always wanted to be a mom."

"Thanks." Another forced smile was given. "I uh, I gotta get to the E.R. I'll see you around."

Exchanging tense, polite expressions once more, I kept walking down toward the emergency room and let go of the breath that I was holding onto. It could have been worse. It was a little weird to think that I was pregnant at the same time that Jackson's ex-girlfriend was pregnant, even if she was months ahead of me. But he had freaked out in a bad way when that had scared her, nearly shut down. He had jumped to a big place with me, too, but in the exact opposite direction. He had run to get a ring.

Yeah, he loved me.

None of the interactions that I have about the life changes are as awkward as that with Riggs. Anyone else who commented on it was entirely congratulatory about it and no one dared to make a comment on the engagement being based on the pregnancy. It was a little bit of a catalyst, but not a causal event.

By the time I'm with Jackson in the car driving home for the day, I was exhausted. I'd barely had time for a lunch break and I was ready to curl up on the couch and take it easy for an hour or two before going to bed.

"Do you want to get something for dinner on the way home?" Jackson asked.

"There's leftover lasagna in the fridge." I poked him. "I'm going to eat that. There's some stuff in the fridge and pantry that you can put together." We weren't on a fellow or an attending salary yet. I knew that he came from money, but we would have to start saving up for the baby. The wedding too, sure, but that was an afterthought comparatively.

"Alright," he agreed before falling quiet. I take advantage of the moment.

"Do you think that we should move into somewhere bigger?" I asked, placing my hand on a stomach. "Our apartment s great for the two of us but I think it'll be a little crowded with a baby. And our lease says we can't paint the walls."

He paused. "Yeah, I guess we should." He nodded his head. "We can start looking into it, yeah. It'll be easier while you're still small, moving and getting everything at a new place set up. I can buy out our current lease."

"You don't have to do that." I shook my head. "I can't afford that."

"April, stop being frugal for a second." Jackson glanced over at me. "If we're getting married, then what's mine is yours. And this is for our baby – there's no way that I'm going to let some contract that I can buy out keep us in this place longer if it's not the most optimal situation. Let me do that for you and the baby, please."

"I just…" I sighed. "I don't ever want you to feel like I'm using you for your money, or anything like that, you know?" The money gap had been there for so many years. It wouldn't change for a while.

"I have never thought that." He pulled into his parking space, putting the vehicle into park and turning his torso toward me. "Okay? Not once."

"Rationally, I know that," I paused and wet my lips. "It's still just a little insecurity of mine."

Jackson leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss against my lips, cupping my face in one of his warm, large hands. "It's not something that you need to worry about, I promise. I'm taking care of you and the baby. I know where you come from and we have the same salary, remember? I'm going to make sure that our kid has the best, that money isn't a sacrifice we have to worry about with him or her. And our kid's money is your money. That's a part of what that ring means. Just because we're not married yet doesn't mean that it can't start now."

"You always know the right thing to say." I tipped my head forward, forehead resting against his. "That's one of the things that I happen to love about you, you know? You always know how to calm me down."

"For better or worse, it's something that I've had a lot of experience with." He chuckled. "Let's go in."

Oh, he was right.

High school had been such a messy time for me between my family and all of the kids at school, I had been all over the place and freaking out was something that happened almost every week. There had been some exceptions, but most of the time he had always been capable of talking me down from the edge and getting me to screw my head on straight again. I was glad that the years of distance between us hadn't taken that away from him, because it seemed like I was going to need that particular skill of his now more than ever. I was about to descend into becoming a hormonal mess.

There was still another impending freakout, though, one that went back even further than my relationship with Jackson. I was going to have to tell both of my parents and my sisters about my pregnancy and engagement. My sisters might be celebratory, but I wasn't convinced about my parents. Not after what had happened during my senior year.

Since college, I hadn't seen a lot of my parents and that had been a mix of circumstances and intention. There had been breaks that I had stayed at school when I probably could have gone home, always citing having too much to do with my plans to graduate early. I'd gone home for Christmas here and there, but I had always spent the summer working or on an internship. I had found ways to avoid them and now, I was good at it. Truthfully, they could have changed, and I might not have noticed them.

But I had to get it out of the way, sooner or later. The longer that I waited, the more anxious that it was going to make me. Stress wasn't good for fetuses. That was the only thought that gets me to actually pick up the phone and call my mother after dinner.

"Hi, Mom…" I spoke after hearing her answer. "It's me."

"April!" Her surprise was clear. "Oh, we haven't heard from you in forever. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine." As if she could see me, I found myself forcing a smile. Jackson wasn't even in the room for me to need to do it, yet the compulsion was still there. "Is Dad home? I was hoping that I could talk to both of you.

"Of course, give me just a minute to go get him."

Shuffling occurred on the other end of the line and I curled my legs beneath me. The television was playing on the other side of the bedroom wall in the living room, Jackson finishing up watching some recorded game. When my mom picked up her phone again, it was easy to tell. My stomach dropped even though neither one of them had given me a reason yet.

"Hi, pumpkin," Dad greeted me. "I've missed hearing your voice. You don't call enough."

"I know, I'm sorry." I held back a sigh. "I've just been really busy with work lately. This last year is the busiest with finalizing my specialty and I've been extra busy because I'm chief resident, so I have a lot of extra responsibilities."

"We're proud of you for that," Dad said. "You're doing a lot of great work."

"You are," Mom echoed in agreement.

I took a deep breath. "Thanks. There's actually something else good that I want to tell you. Something that's a little more personal. Do you remember how my hospital merged with another one? And I was really worried about getting fired because it was a better hospital?"

"Of course," Mom replied.

"It turns out I knew someone working there." Please, please let this go well. "Do you remember Jackson Avery? He was my best friend growing up until… Well, it turns out that he works at the same hospital at me now that they've merged. We've actually been seeing each other again for the past few months, now that we're adults."

Silence met me on the other end of the line and I didn't say a word to break it. I was being honest. It was their turn to be responsible. They needed to be parents, and they needed to be good people.

"I thought I told you how I felt about that boy when you were a child." Mom stated firmly.

"You did." No point in denying that. "I heard you. You reinforced it when you sent me hundreds of miles away from everything I knew to live with your brother. But I loved him them and I love him now, Mom. He gets me. He makes me feel loved and special like no one else in the world."

"Do you mean it?" Dad asked.

"Yes, I do," I answered without hesitation.

"April…" he doesn't get the chance to speak before my mother cut him off.

"I don't like this one bit." Mom scoffed. "You know how I felt about him. You've barely seen him and now you're acting like you've known him your whole life You don't know him. "

"No, Mom, you don't know him." I corrected him. "I've known him my entire life. Yes, maybe we didn't see each other for a while but that's because of what you did and how you lied. If I'd had a choice, then things wouldn't have been that way, but you made sure to take that away from me. But I know him and I love him more than anyone else in the world." A pause is taken before I blurt the rest of it out. "I love him and we're getting married."

This time, she doesn't hesitate to speak. "You're what? April Eloise Kepner, tell me that I didn't hear that right."

"You heard it right. I love Jackson and we're engaged. He proposed to me with a gorgeous ring, and we're going to be husband and wife, just like we both wanted when we were little kids. And we're also going to be parents together."

Another tense moment passed as they processed the news that I had dropped onto them. An engagement announcement and a pregnancy announcement at the same time was a lot. I had intended to do it one at a time, keeping the pregnancy news a secret as long as I could afford to, but they had managed to get under my skin. I don't pop off like that frequently but if anyone was going to do it, it would be my parents.

"You're pregnant?" Mom questioned. I stayed quiet. "Have you been going to church? You know that premarital sex is a sin. I can't believe this. I'm going to pray for you."

"I don't need you to pray for me." I snapped.

"April," Dad interrupted me. "You don't mean that. Everyone is deserving of forgiveness."

"I didn't do anything wrong." I took a deep breath. "I love him and he loves me. The Bible is thousands of years old. You know that the Bible needs to be interpreted in a modern context. There is nothing immoral about being with the man that you love and want to marry. I'm starting my life with him. If you don't want to get on board with that… fine. But I thought you should know."

There was nothing else that I could say to them.

Hanging up the phone, I dropped it down on top of my bed and slouched forward. Tears burned along the brim of my eyes and I don't want them to spill over. I shouldn't cry because of them. It had been a long time since I had cried because of them and I don't want to go through it again. My Mom just wasn't that good of a person. My Dad was so quiet that it was hard to tell what he was really thinking when he just let Mom speak over him time and time again.

I rubbed my hands across the back of my eyes, stretching out my legs and setting my phone on the nightstand, plugging it in to charge overnight. The bed squeaked as I shifted on it, looking toward the door when it opened.

"Hey," Jackson spoke as he stepped in and shut it behind him "You getting ready for bed?"

"Yeah. I called my parents. It went… about as expected." I admitted.

"So not good?"

"Yeah."

"It's okay." He slipped out of his jeans before curling up in the bed behind me, pulling me against his chest. "We don't need them. I promise. Me, you, and our baby. That's more than enough." He placed a kiss against my shoulder. "I love you."

"Me, you, and our baby," I echoed. "I love you too."


	12. Chapter 12

**_ JACKSON _ **

"Just a second, you've got some lint." I reached forward, pulling it off of her black leggings. "Okay, now you're good."

Her hair fell in her face as she glanced down. "Okay," she murmured. "Just take the picture. Just my belly." April instructed him, straightening up her back and looking down at her stomach. She just had a tiny little bump going so far, noticeable with her shirt rolled up though not yet in baggy scrubs. Thirteen weeks along, the changes in her breasts were much more noticeable – they were larger and much, much more sensitive. I hadn't been able to resist taking advantage of that.

Tapping on my phone screen, I took a few pictures. They pretty much all look the same as far as I could tell, barely any adjustments made, but I knew she liked having multiple copies. She wanted to keep some kind of hard copy of her progress, so we had carved out a few minutes of our time to do this every week.

"How's this?" I passed her phone back over to her for her approval.

"Perfect," she smiled. "Maybe I can post these on Facebook. A little announcement with the scan."

"Sure," I nodded my head. "But there's still one person I need to tell first."

"Of course," April gave a quick nod of her own. "I'm uh, I'm Facebook friends with her actually, so… I should definitely wait until you've done that. I don't want me coming into the family causing any kind of drama."

My mother was a force to be reckoned with. Though expectations throughout my life had always been low from her and the rest of my family because I was so used to them treating me like the pretty one and never a man with any brains, that had taken a slight shift as I had aced the MCAT and got accepted into one of the top surgical residencies in the country. She expected success from me. We had never had the kind of relationship where we regularly spoke to each other on the phone or anything like that, but we still kept one another updated on our lives and the major milestones.

She knew that April and I were together, and engaged. She'd sent congratulations to both of us over it – she had loved April when we were kids and thought that it was adorable and kismet that we had found our way back to each other at a better point in our lives. I knew that she also approved of the fact that April had become a smart and talented trauma surgeon, given how she had told me it was much more respectable than plastics was. Normally, I hadn't minded comparisons between the two of us growing up, but that one does sting a little. There was no doubt in my mind that my mother lode and approved of April. It was just the timing of the pregnancy, having her due date shortly before when we were supposed to take our boards. That was the biggest part of our career, the defining moment, something that couldn't be screwed up. I knew that she would repeat all of that and more to me once I told her, and then to April, too. I wanted to shield April from that and really, I wanted to avoid it happening in the first place. But now that we were out of the first trimester, there was no excuse.

Since she was coming to town with a big case as a teaching opportunity, there would be no more hesitating to tell her. However she would react, it was just going to happen. I knew that she was going to be shocked but, after that, I had to hope there would be some kind of positive reaction. Grandkids were something that she wanted, I was just pretty sure she hadn't expected them at this point in my life.

"There's my baby boy!"

Taking a deep breath upon hearing her voice call to me, I forced a smile across my face and turned to greet her. She's practically right there already and I embrace her with a hug. "Hi, Mom. It's good to see you."

"You look skinny." She squeezed my cheek and I rolled my eyes. "You're not eating enough, are you? Your brain needs those calories too, you know that."

"I do and I'm fine." I cut that conversation in the bud. "April was wondering if you would have time to join us for lunch today. Nowhere too fancy, she just wanted to sit down with all three of us." That should be a good distraction.

"Of course," Mom answered with a nod of her head. "You know that I can always make time for my baby boy, and my daughter-in-law to be. After what you told me about her parent's reactions to the engagement, I don't care if I need to be a mother to both of you."

"Thanks, Mom," I smiled genuinely. "I know that she appreciates that."

It was sad, how the tables had turned completely. When we were kids, my mom hadn't been around a lot because of all the work that she did at the hospital and for the foundation. Sure, I had nannies, but I had been an independent kid. April's parents had been the opposite, ever present with their more at-home friendly career options as a teacher and farmer. Now, my mom was here to support us and her parents were practically nowhere to be seen.

After a busy morning in the hospital, April barely made it out of surgery in time to go to lunch together. She comes running down the stairs in a pair of black slacks and a nice button down shirt. The lipstick that she was wearing was fresh. A huge smile was on her face but it's not for me, it's for Mom.

"Hi, Catherine," April greeted her with a side hug. "It's so great to see you again."

"And you, sweetheart," Mom returned with a smile that I knew was genuine. "Come on, let's get going. I'm sure there's much to talk about. You've got your boards coming up and a wedding. And chief resident!"

"We're definitely keeping busy." I smiled. "Come on, let's go."

We had made last minute reservations at a casual restaurant a few miles away, not wanting to do anything too elaborate. The three of us were seated quickly and all ordered a light lunch. Mom ordered a glass of white wine and I avoid joining her with a beer so April doesn't stick out with her glass of water. Even if we were going to share the news today, I didn't want to push the information out of April any sooner than what she was ready for. But with all of the stories with our final year of residency and the wedding planned somewhere in the future, a date not quite set in stone with everything else going on, there was plenty to talk about and keep my mother occupied.

Forks scraped against nearly bare plates. I couldn't tell if April was genuinely putting off telling my mother about it or if the conversation was really just keeping her. But we had work to get back to and the waitress had come by to drop off the check already.

Trying to make conversation, it seemed like she was just into the conversation with my mother. I knew that April had always admired her as a professional and loved her as a child. It took me a minute to make eye contact with her as she was focused on my mother and I glanced down at her stomach, widening my eyes slightly to get her attention and remind her.

"Mom," I started. "There's actually something April and I want to tell you."

She looked between us. "What's going on here?"

"Well…" April took a deep breath, smiling at me before she looked at my mother. "We're actually expecting. And as of today, we are officially out of the first trimester."

"You're pregnant?" Her eyebrows shot up in her forehead for confirmation.

"Yes, we are." I reached across the table for April's hands, taking one of her smaller ones between both of mine. "And we're happy about it."

"What about your boards?" Mom asked.

"We're going to figure it out. I'll… be on maternity leave still, probably, but we're going to find a way to make it work. I'll use that time to study. I'll work and operate as much as I can between now and then. We will find a way to make it work." April said firmly, not wanting to let my mom get inside of her head. I knew that she was worried about that – she was easily influenced by those who she respected.

"Huh." Her lips pursed together. "I have to admit, I didn't expect this. But if you think that you are capable of pulling this off, then I will support you. But don't think that I won't be involved in this. I will be."

I chuckled, glancing at April with a smile. "I guess I should have seen that coming."

"You should have." Mom chuckled and a smile finally broke across her face.

With her approval in the bag, things seem to come a little easier. I can tell that April was glad to have the approval of someone that she admired for such a long part of her life. She hadn't managed to get her own parent's approval yet, but she still had a strong support system around her. I would make sure of that and now it seemed like my mom was on board to do the same. Whether her family would change their mind or not was hard to tell. I would continue to hope so, but if they didn't, we would be fine.

Even though now that spending time with her didn't seem quite so dreadful with her approval on the subject of the pregnancy, there was still work to get back to. I could tell that April would have liked to spend a little more time with her, but the E.R. didn't wait.

For the next week, I'm pretty sure that I was suddenly no longer the person who texted her first. Every time that she was looking down at her phone whenever she was talking to me, it seemed like she was texting my mother. Apparently, Mom had been happy to share about how her pregnancy with me had been and complain about it, as well as offer a few tips that she thought April might have found helpful. It was nice that she had someone to talk to about it. The only other one in our group who had been pregnant was Cristina, and she had aborted it before reaching the point that April was at.

"Babe," I nudged her with my elbow. "You're not paying attention."

"I am," she muttered, dropping her phone and looking up at me. "Actually, I was texting your mom about something that I think you would like. We were talking about testing for the baby."

"Oh?" My eyebrows raised. I had thought that she was completely against it. She had seemed that way at first.

"Yeah," April nodded. "She didn't have any when she was pregnant and you turned out perfect."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. "But I'm pretty sure that she wasn't exposed to anything crazy in an emergency room during the first trimester. There's nothing wrong with getting some tests done. It's just good to make sure that everything is in order." It was the responsible thing to do as far as I was concerned.

"I already know this baby is perfect. It's me and you." She smiled at me, so sweet that I nearly wanted to drop it. "What can it tell us that we don't already know? The sex, sure, but I kind of like the idea of that being a surprise."

"I'm sure the baby is perfect." I went along with it. "But you're the control freak, the planner. Don't you want to know with absolute certainty? And on the nearly non-existent chance that there is something there, don't you want to know so we can plan accordingly?"

"What are you so worried about, Jackson?" She pulled away from me slightly so she was facing me.

"Neural tube defects." I blurted out. "That's the kind of thing we want to know about. You're a doctor. You know this."

"I don't know why you're so obsessed with the idea that there's something wrong with our baby."

A sigh escaped. Maybe compared to her, it did seem like I was obsessed with the idea of it. If she would just agree with me, then there wouldn't have been the need to have this conversation with her over and over again. There was a small care of miscarriage with any procedure but we had amazing obstetricians here, there was no need for her to be concerned with that.

"I'm not." I shook my head. "But April, strawberry, baby, please, just listen to me for a minute. Right now, where we are, we're planning out everything in our life. We're looking for a new place to live, we're trying to plan a wedding, we're prepping for our careers, and we're working on bringing this baby into our lives. That's a lot. We are going through a lot right now and I think it's important to be prepared for everything coming our way. This is just one more box that we can check off going forward, one more thing to know with certainty. I want that for both of us, to be able to relax and feel safe."

Hazel eyes stared at me for a long moment and she finally let go of the breath that she was holding onto. "Maybe you're right." April began, glancing down at her hands. "But I… okay. I have a thought. I can get on board with the amnio. We have so much on our plates though that maybe we should take something off our plates."

"What are you talking about?" There wasn't anything that could be removed.

"All that talk about a big wedding… that was sweet, but I don't need it. Not right now, at least. Maybe in ten years, we can get our vows renewed and do something big and fancy. But we have so much going on right now, so many more important things. Not that this isn't important, because it is, but we need priorities. Let's just do a small ceremony – your mom, our friends. I don't want to stress about a wedding for the next twelve months. I just want to have our baby and I want to kill our boards." She elaborated, grabbing onto my hand.

"You really don't want to do a big wedding?" My brows furrowed. "I thought that kind of thing was important to you. You've wanted it since we were kids. You don't have to give that up just because we have a lot going on. Especially if you think it's just because I'm stressed, or something like that. You don't have to do that."

"That's not it, I've been thinking about it for a little bit now." She shrugged. "I want a big cake and a day off work. A pretty dress, I want to get dressed up. But the rest of it? I'm happy without it. I want to marry you before this baby comes but without work or anything else falling through the cracks. So let's do it. Let's set a date and keep it simple."

"You promise that you're not just doing this to try and appease me, or anything like that? It's really what you want?" I questioned.

"Yeah," April nodded with a soft smile. "At this point in my life, this is what I want."

So a small wedding – a get-together, really, though I knew she would want her pastor to be there for it. I was fine with that. I had been working around her religion for years and there was no reason that was going to cause me a problem now. We would find the first date that would work for him, get all of it out of the way. Then we could give our full attention to preparing for the baby and getting a new apartment lease signed.

But first things first, the amnio.

At seventeen weeks and two days, Dr. Ryan squeezed us into her schedule. I barely make it out of a surgery in time to meet her there. She was already laying back on the exam table with her scrub top rolled up, growing baby bump sticking out on display.

"Hi, babe." I greeted her, bending down to place a quick kiss on her lips. "How's it going?"

"Good," she smiled, her fingers interlacing with mine.

"We're just about get started, Dr. Avery," Dr. Ryan spoke directly to me as she pulled on a new pair of gloves. "I know that you both know all about it, but I just want to remind you that April is going to need to take it easy for the rest of the day. Take her home, don't stress her out. Now is a good time to catch up with whatever you've been watching on Netflix." She smiled at both of us.

I nodded, taking a deep breath and looking down at her. Even if the results were overwhelming in our favor, I was glad that she had agreed to this. Today would be a relaxing day, and tomorrow would be solely paperwork for her. Then Friday, we would have our little wedding.

"Do you want to swing by the bakery and get some muffins on the way home?" I asked her, placing my hand on top of her head and stroking her soft hair with my thumb.

"Oh, yes." A smile lit up her features and she nodded her head.

"Alright, we're going to get started now." Dr. Ryan spoke. "It's going to be uncomfortable but it shouldn't take too long once we get started. Are you ready?"

"Ready," April nodded.

Keeping a hand on her, I watched the large needle insert itself into her abdomen. On the ultrasound screen, Dr. Ryan could see where it was, but it was turned so that neither one of us could. April's face scrunched up, nose wrinkled. If it hadn't been a clear sign of her momentarily distress, it would have been adorable.

"It's okay," I murmured, kissing her forehead and lingering there. "We're just getting a confirmation that our baby is perfect, remember?"

"I know," she grumbled. "But that might sound better if this didn't hurt."

"I'm sorry, baby." I hadn't planned out that detail. "But certainty is worth it, isn't it?" If I kept talking, then maybe some of it would distract her away from the discomfort of the amniotic fluid is drawn from her uterus. "We can start planning colors for the nursery, too. I know you think blue is cliche for a boy, but I still like the idea of it."

"If we decide to find out the gender. I'm not sold." April shook her head slightly. "I like the idea of a yellow idea. Yellow and gray. Bees, flowers, the sun… like the picture I showed you." She went on about it.

"I remember the bees." I smiled at her. "Hard to forget. You love them a lot for someone who's allergic."

"They're important for the environment." She smiled sheepishly up at me.

"Well, if you do decide that you would like to find out the gender, just let me know." Dr. Ryan spoke up. I looked up and the needle had been withdrawn from April's belly, now a piece of gauze held over where it had been. "I'll ask the lab to try and get the results back for the FISH before the weekend since it usually takes 2-3 days, it might be pushing it. The FISH is very accurate, 98% of the time. But you'll still get the full panel of results in 2-3 weeks which should just confirm whatever we already know." She explained and I nodded along with her works.

Extending my hand to her, I gave her a firm shake. "Thank you, Dr. Ryan," I expressed sincerely.

"Please, call me Connie," she smiled at both of us. "I know you two have an exciting weekend planned and I don't want anything to get in the way of that, let alone waiting."

"Thank you," April spoke. "And I'm glad that you're coming on Friday."

"Well, knock on wood," Connie laughed. "That's assuming one of my other moms doesn't go into labor."

"We'll save you a slice of cake if one does." I smiled.

There was no harm in sucking up to April's OB.

The next twenty-four hours are spent non-stop at April's side. Cramps came for her and there wasn't much that I could do other than rubbing her feet and her back. She was grumpy, but I don't say anything about it. There couldn't have been anything easy or comfortable about carrying a baby inside of you, and especially not a few days after having to get a giant needle stuck inside of your stomach. She was allowed to be grumpy.

More time was taken off work than either one of us planned for. Squeezing it in all at once meant that there wasn't really going to be any taken off between now and the baby being born, other than a day here and there for her as was needed. On the one hand, it was nice to have some uninterrupted time both before and after the little ceremony. Before mostly consisted of me taking care of her and making sure that she didn't overwork herself, but since she was kept out of the E.R. and O.R., there wasn't anywhere for her to go. I was glad that I had gotten Dr. Hunt to side with me on this. He seemed invested in April's wellbeing both personally and professionally.

But on the day of the actual ceremony, despite her insistence that it's not a big deal, she doesn't let me see her get ready. I barely see her at all that morning, she's showered and out of the house before I had even finished my cup of coffee.

My morning goes by quickly and easy. Knocking the scheduled breast reduction out of the was and completing it in a timely manner, it gives me plenty of time to get cleaned up and dressed for the ceremony. It was in the chapel and the little reception with food and most importantly, cake, was to be held upstairs in one of the larger lounges. I'm not sure what kind of dress April picked out, but I put on a formal tuxedo.

"You clean up nice, Avery." Mark clapped me on the shoulder as he snuck up on me.

"Thanks." I turned to face him. He had dressed up already, too.

"You nervous?" He asked.

I took a deep breath before shaking my head. "Not really." It wasn't even a lie. "This is something that I've wanted to do for a long, long time. I thought that it would be bigger than this though, back then. Almost makes all of this seem easy in comparison."

"You say that now," he chuckled. "But you're going to be slack-jawed when you see her."

Mark was right.

Though it was a small ceremony, a few things are kept the same. I wait for her with her pastor and everyone else in the room. There's no bridal or groom party, so it was just me and him standing at the altar. But when the door is opened up for her and she stepped through, suddenly, it was just me and her in the room, no one else.

A radiant smile rested on the curve of her soft lips as she looked at me, her hazel eyes sparkling. She looked happy and buoyant as ever. The white dress that she was wearing was floor length, only going out so far to showcase the growing baby bump that she was rocking. Her hair was pulled away from her face so I could see it without anything to hide behind, no veil obstructing my vein. Her freckles were covered with the makeup that she was wearing, but in my mind, I can still place them scattered across her rosy cheeks and the bridge of her nose. She looked perfect.

_You look beautiful._ I mouthed the words to her.

There was no one to hand her off to me – frankly, something that I was fine with and tried to talk her into being fine with because it was an outdated and sexist tradition. Instead, she just takes my hand and stood in front of me with the most beautiful smile that I had ever seen in my life. It's hard not to kiss her then and there, especially when it was all that I wanted to do. Her lips looked even softer than usual.

I didn't realize that there were tears in my eyes until I saw the moisture in hers and I blinked, a single tear spilling over. I quickly wiped it away and gave her a sheepish smile. Crying was something that I rarely did, and even if I didn't mind it in front of her, I didn't want the everyone we worked with to see it.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…" The remarks that the pastor makes are kept short.

Even if he had been saying the most meaningful, heartfelt speech known to man, I wouldn't have been able to keep up with it. Not when all I could do was stare at her. When I had been a kid and dreamed of this moment, it hadn't been quite like this – both of us had been younger and it had been a bit wedding, she was in the kind of dress with a train that would've had people making comparative remarks to Princess Diana. I'd thought that was what she would want. But small and intimate, the two of us, my mother… this moment was perfect. I couldn't feel a single regret on doing it this way instead of a more traditional route.

When it comes time for the vows, though, there was an awkward pause before I realized it was my turn to speak. My cheeks burned with heat, everyone's gaze prominently staring at me.

"April…" I started slowly, taking a deep breath and building up my confidence again. There was no one else here, just me and her. "From the moment that we met as children, to this moment, looking into your eyes and seeing you now, not only as a beautiful woman but a strong, kind mother too. I have always loved you. I promise to love you, laugh with you, cry with you and embrace every chapter that our future holds. My first love, my last love, you're every breath that I take and I want to share all my love with you. You are the mother to my child, my high school sweetheart, the love of my life, my best friend and the woman of my dreams. There is no one that I would rather be standing here with."

Tears were sparkling in her eyes again by the time that she finished and her hand came over her mouth to hold back a sob. I placed my hand on her upper arm, rubbing it gently. It took her a brief moment to gather herself before she could begin to start with her vows.

"Jackson, we have had an amazing journey together. From you stealing my strawberries when we were kids, to getting through our residency now. You have been my best friend, my confidant, my entertainer, an amazing boyfriend, and my greatest challenge. You have made me a better person and taught me to be comfortable as myself. You are the love of my life and you make me happier than I could ever imagine and more loved than I ever thought possible. I am blessed to be a part of your life and would not trade a day we have shared for anything. I can't imagine my life without you. So on top of all the other vows that I will make to you on our wedding day, I also vow to always appreciate how lucky I am to have someone who makes me feel the way you do and continue to try as hard as I can to make you feel as special as you make me feel every day of our life. Which today, becomes our life together."

Neither one of us waited for the cue.

April stretched up her toes to meet me and I kissed her hard. The crowd of people laughed at our impatience and when we pulled away, we quickly exchanged rings. Her wedding ring matched her engagement ring, though this ring was much flashier than the engagement one. I hadn't been able to resist breaking the bank for it.

"You may now kiss the bride." The pastor said with a friendly smile.

"About time."

This time when we kiss again, there was an appropriate applause instead of laughter. I wrapped my arms around her waist and her back arched against me so she could bend. Cameras go off with the moment. No professional photographer had been necessary with phones these days. Izzie had promised to get some good ones that would be usable. I trusted her.

The two of us head out together with April tossing her bouquet to Izzie. Everyone would head upstairs to gather for the reception. It was a tradition for the bride and groom to come in after, which meant we had time to kill.

"You look so beautiful," I repeated, tucking one little curl of hair behind her ear. "So, so beautiful."

"And you look so handsome." She smiled up at me. "Oh! Woah." She blurted out suddenly.

"What's wrong?" My brows furrowed. "Is it bad? Is it the baby?"

"No, no, it's not bad." She shook her head quickly and took my hand, placing it on her stomach. My thumb rested on her belly button – I could feel that it had popped out. A few seconds passed before I felt something, a little bit of movement. Then there was the same feeling again. Looking up at April, there was a huge smile blown across her features, even bigger than the one that she walked down the makeshift aisle with. It was a little jab of movement coming from her belly.

Our baby was kicking.

"Oh my god." I blurted out, matching her smile. "That's our baby. That's our baby." I repeated myself. "He's moving." My other hand covered her bump entirely. Another little movement came.

"That's our baby." She repeated my words as her gaze locked on mine. "It feels so cool. Most of the time I think I feel movement, it's gas. But that's… that's distinct. That's a little kick."

"Maybe he'll be the kicker on his football team, huh?" I suggested with a smile.

"Why are you so certain that it's a boy?" April asked with a laugh, slapping my arm playfully. "It could be a girl. The women's soccer team is way better than the men's one. Here, at least."

"So, the kicker on a football team if it's a boy, and a soccer player if she's a girl. Got it." I smiled at her. "Come on, let's go to our reception."

When we went up a floor and joined everyone else in the lobby, we quickly grabbed two glasses of sparkling cider. I could have had a glass of champagne but it didn't mother me to skip out on drinking alcohol if it meant that I was supporting her. There was already music playing and the food was set out buffet style so that people could just come and get it as they want, keeping it as casual as possible.

Instead of speeches, though, we don't bother with that. We have our first dance. As Izzie cued me, her phone connected to the Bluetooth speaker, our song began playing.

_"Treated me kind, sweet destiny_  
Carried me through desperation.  
To the one that was waiting for me,  
It took so long, still, I believed.  
Somehow the one that I needed would find me eventually.  
I had a vision of love and it was all that you've given to me." 

Maybe it was an unusual pick, but it had been an immensely popular song when we were kids, and we had once joked about letting it play at our wedding. Little did either one of us know that it would be the truth so many years later. It's a bit fast paced for a slow dance, but I let head her in the small dance area, spinning her around. She's graceful even with her belly, not letting it get in the way as we moved by ourselves across the dance floor for a few minutes. A couple people filmed us.

As the song came to its end, we moved away toward the food table. I paused to look around the room with April by my side. Pretty much everyone that we had expected would come had – Dr. Ryan and Dr. Shepherd were nowhere to be seen, which meant the two of them were probably caught up with patients. But for surgeons, this was a pretty good showing.

"I love you so much." April murmured affectionately as she leaned into me.

"I love you too, strawberry." I kissed the top of my head.

"I'm glad things turned out so nicely. I know that you were worried about having a small wedding but… this is kind of perfect, you know? I'm just glad that your mom was able to make it." She enthused. I held back a chuckle. It was clear how much she loved my mother.

When my phone buzzed, I sighed. I didn't want any disturbances but they were inevitable as a doctor. "Just a second," I told her, pulling away as I grabbed my phone from my pocket.

To my surprise, it was Dr. Ryan's name on my lock screen.

"Hello?" I questioned as I answered the phone.

"Hi, Jackson. It's Dr. Ryan." I muttered another greeting but she didn't give me much of an opportunity before she continued speaking. "The lab just got back with the FISH results for your and April's baby. I think it would be a good idea if you would come in so we could go over the results together, in person. All three of us."

Just like that, my stomach dropped.

"Jackson?" April questioned, seeing my face. I shook my head, my mouth too dry to speak to her.

I had to force the next question out of my mouth. "Is something wrong?"

"As I said, I think that's something that we should talk about altogether in person. But... you might want to prepare yourself to hear the results of the genetic tests." Dr. Ryan repeated herself. "But I'm willing to meet as soon as you want to, just let me know and I will do my best to work my schedule around you."

"I–I have to call you back." I stuttered out, wetting my lips and hanging up the phone without another word.

"Jackson, what's wrong?" April asked again. I looked down at her face, so delighted and full of joy from the excitement of the day, and prepared myself to watch it fall apart completely as I told her the truth. Fuck.

"The baby. There's something on the genetic tests."


	13. Chapter 13

**_ APRIL _ **

This time with my OB-GYN, there was no ultrasound screen to stare at.

Instead, Jackson and I sat in two separate chairs in Dr. Ryan's office, maybe two feet apart. My wedding dress was still on and sitting down, it suddenly felt too tight across my abdomen. I hadn't noticed a problem earlier, minutes ago when we had been dancing across the lounge area with all of our friends and family watching, happy as could be. Everyone congratulated us on the wedding and the pregnancy, and even if this wasn't when I planned these things in my life to happen, it was still with the man that had always wanted and I couldn't have been happier. It was funny, and cruel, how quickly life could change.

"I'm so sorry to pull you away from your wedding like this," Dr. Ryan apologized as she sat down beside her desk. There was a manila folder in her hand, undoubtedly containing the test results of our baby inside of it. "I didn't mean to take away from your day. But when results come in, I find it best not to wait. I couldn't come up and not tell you."

A pause followed where I'm certain that I'm expected to say something but I can't bring myself to. My hand rested on my stomach where our child was growing rapidly, or so I hoped.

_Please, kick, baby. Please. Just kick._

No amount of will in the world could make the baby kick. I had felt it earlier and I was certain of it. Jackson had felt it too, it hadn't just been my imagination or some kind of strong gas. It had been a kick, proof that the baby in there was healthy and alright. I had been so sure of that much. But now, there was no such thing in certainty as I stared at Dr. Ryan with that soft, sympathetic look in her eyes. I had seen that look and I had given that look – to patients when I had to deliver the worst news of their life, to the family when I had to break their heart. I had mastered that look, keeping my expression perfectly manicured. It was a mask worn to try and make them as comfortable as possible, to soften the impossible blow that we had to deliver.

How was she about to break me? How was she about to break Jackson? Why wouldn't the baby kick now? I knew what we had both felt earlier. _Please, let him just be asleep…_

"What is it, Dr. Ryan?" Jackson finally blurted out the question that both of us wanted to answer, yet I couldn't find the confidence to just say it. Saying it meant getting an answer. Even if both of us were seated here, I wasn't sure that either one of us was ready for what she was going to say.

"The results of the amnio showed an abnormality." Dr. Ryan began, opening up the folder. She stretched it out across the table toward me, but I don't reach for it. I should and I can't. After a long pause, Jackson took it.

"What is it?" I finally blurted out the question, snapping out. "Just say it."

"The genetic screening showed that the baby has a partial extra copy of chromosome 21. Down Syndrome." Dr. Ryan finally stated clearly. "As you know, it's associated with intellectual disability, a characteristic facial appearance, and weak muscle tone in infancy. Affected individuals experience cognitive delays, but the intellectual disability is usually mild to moderate. People with Down syndrome may have a variety of birth defects. About half of all affected children are born with a heart defect. Individuals with Down syndrome have an increased risk of developing several medical conditions. These include gastroesophageal reflux, celiac disease, hypothyroidism, and more. There are also some behavioral problems that come along with it. A number of compulsive problems usually being the most prominent."

Down Syndrome.

A heavy breath is released and I shut my eyes, a hand coming up to cover my face as I focused on just breathing. Amnios could detect viruses and a plethora of other things on top of Down Syndrome, even though it was what most people would have associated with the genetic screening given that it was more common than some of the other results. But of all the things that it could have been, that was low on the list of terrible. It just… wasn't.

"The baby has Down Syndrome?" This time I reached out for the file so I could see a copy of the test results for myself. Jackson handed it over to me. "That's it?" I questioned.

"Yes," Dr. Ryan nodded.

I laughed. It's the wrong kind of reaction to have to information like this but I can't help but laugh as I straightened up from my hunched position before leaning back in the chair, shaking my head. There was so much fear when we had sat down here and now, it's evaporated.

"I don't… April." Jackson looked at me sternly, shaking his head. My hand came up and wiped away one of the stray tears that had slipped out of my lids. "We should talk about this."

"If termination is something that the two of you are considering, then we need to keep in mind that there is going to be a timetable for that kind of thing." Dr. Ryan spoke again as she looked sympathetically between the two of us. "But I'm not pushing you in either direction. If you want to, I completely understand why. And if you don't want to, then there are a lot of support groups that I can point you in the direction of."

"Thank you, Dr. Ryan." All of the formalities that Jackson had dropped before had resurfaced now with this information. He was stiff – he didn't look nearly as relieved as I felt now that I had actually heard the information. Now that I could actually see the results for myself.

"We aren't considering termination." I declared firmly, looking at Dr. Ryan. My hand pressed into my stomach.

"Well, we need to talk about it–"

"No." I cut Jackson off quickly, a wide-eyed glare shot at him. "We don't. Our daughter is perfect just the way that she is. Thank you, Connie."

XX. The two chromosomes that identified our child's sex had caught my attention from an undeniable curiosity though I had told myself earlier I wanted to wait to know. The sex chromosomes were so close to the chromosome 21 that I wasn't able to resist taking a peak. If anything, it brings to mind the perfect little child that the two of us were having all the more clear. We were having a beautiful baby girl. I could see now, more clearly than ever, the perfect little face and the bright smile that would fill her lips.

Standing up carefully as to not step on the end of my dress, it suddenly didn't feel nearly as tight as it had. I tucked the folder underneath my arm and turned toward Jackson, extending my hand out to him. He still looked stunned, processing the information that our child was not going to be ordinary.

"We do have a wedding to get back to, Mr. Avery." I smiled down at him.

"April..." Jackson pushed himself up slowly before taking my hand. His brows were drawn down together. "Don't you think now isn't the time for that? We should go home, talk about this…" He spoke as we began to walk out.

"I don't understand what there is that you want to talk about." Even though my brows furrowed looking up at him, the smile still remained on my lips, relaxed.

"Listen, I know that this isn't the end of the world. That there are plenty of happy families and kids with Down Syndrome. I get that." Jackson began, a sigh pushed out of his lips. "But this is still a big, life-changing kind of thing that the two of us need to talk about. It means those first years, all of those years, they are going to be harder than we planned for. And they are also those same years that the two of us are going to try to get established in our careers, you know? That's a lot. We got married today and not down the line because we didn't want to overburden ourselves. And I'm thinking the same thing that I was when we agreed to do this. I don't want either one of us to overcommit to something that we're going to regret or…"

I can't let him go on. "Regret? Seriously?" I stopped in my tracks, turning to face him and placing both my hands on my hips. "What about this is there to regret? This is our child, Jackson. Our daughter. Our little baby girl. Of course, yes, it's going to be a lot! I'm not an idiot. That's not above me. But I sat down in there thinking that our child was going to die, so hearing that they just have Down Syndrome? Yes, I said just Down Syndrome, and I mean it. I'm so, so okay with that. I am happy with that. Why aren't you?"

"I'm not saying– April, just calm down, okay? You're letting your emotions get the best of you." He held his hands up defensively.

"No, I'm not!" My voice rose a pitch. "But if you say that again, then they definitely will."

"Okay, okay." He ran a hand over his head. "I just… listen, I get that you're cool and level-headed about this. I get it. But this is something that I want to talk about and not in the direction you're expecting, okay? I don't want to terminate either. This is my baby just as much as it is yours. I respect that it is your body before you go there – but… that's my little girl."

Sighing, I glanced away before nodding. "Okay, then what is it that you want to talk about?" Slowly, we began walking down the hallway again.

"What the rest of our life is going to look like." His hand found mine, thumb rubbing my knuckles.

"We're going to be two surgeons. We're still going to be amazing parents and we're still going to have an awesome kid." I couldn't forget the words that he had said to me when he proposed. "Maybe she won't be a star athlete. That's fine! But she'll still be the little star of our lives. Isn't that the most important thing? Doesn't that matter more than anything else?"

"Of course," he muttered. "I get it. I do. I'm not being some ignorant asshole in wanting to ask these questions and talk about these things. I'm not the bad guy for having these questions. I'm normal. It's a normal thing to do when you find out about these things. There's a reason Dr. Ryan offered support group connections."

"I'm not saying you're the bad guy." I glanced up at him. "You just need to open your eyes a little."

"I'm trying." He sighed. "But it's hard when you won't say a goddamn word to me beside cliches."

"Why are you attacking me for being positive about this?" I stopped in my tracks again. "Why?"

"Because you won't let me react in any other way." Jackson's hand flew out as he spoke in frustration, motioning to nothing. "You can't let me feel the way that I want to feel. You just expect me to react the exact same way that you do."

My mouth opened but instead of yelling back at him, I shut it and took a deep breath through his nose. Maybe he was right. But a part of me was upset that he seemed so bothered by the idea that our child was going to have Down Syndrome. I couldn't help but wonder if he somehow blamed it for it – like I had done something to cause the nondisjunction when cell division occurred, creating our baby. He had been so worried. Maybe he did blame me for it. Maybe that was where the anger here was really coming from.

"Okay." The word came out slowly, nodding my head and blinking back tears that sprung up again. "Okay. Let's go home and talk it out."

This wasn't the way that I thought our wedding night would go. I thought we would stay at the reception with our friends until my feet hurt and I insist on being able to kick up my swollen ankles. But instead, the two of us drive home in silence. Our house is packed up from all of the work that had been put into finding a new apartment. We almost had a lease down on a new place, and a back up that was nearly as good if we couldn't manage to get that. Hopefully, by the end of the month, we would be out of our current apartment. But now, it only made the distance between us feel even larger. It doesn't feel like home, not the way it should have.

Our wedding night was supposed to be spent smiling and giggling, unable to keep our hands off of one another. A good portion of my pregnancy had been spent horny as could be, one the phase of morning sickness was mostly out of the way, more so than I was willing to admit. But now, my mind couldn't have been further from the idea of sleeping with my newlywed husband.

"Tell me…" I started, rubbing my thighs restlessly. "Tell me what you're thinking."

"Please, don't interrupt, okay?" Jackson began and I nodded my head. I'm… grieving, in a way. Grieving over the loss of who I thought my child was supposed to be. I am thinking about all the things she wouldn't be able to do. All the things she would struggle with. I'm thinking about how my mother, and maybe even some of our friends, are going to look at us, look at her, and wonder why we kept her. I'm scared of what the world is going to see and say."

Tears burned in my eyes and I nodded my head, slouching forward the best that I could. "Your mother isn't going to understand, probably." I knew and loved Catherine but I didn't know how she would react to this. I knew she felt differently about abortion than I did.

"Probably not," he agreed, sniffling. "I don't want to tell her just yet. I feel like I need some more time to sit with this information. To read up on it. Just because I know what textbooks say about it doesn't mean I know what it's going to be like living with it and raising a baby with it. I need time to figure this out. I need time to be happy about it like you are. I promise I will be. I just need time."

"Okay," I nodded my head. "We can take some time."

Time healed all wounds. That was the cliche people loved to throw around.

When we fall asleep that night, I'm in the comfiest pair of pajamas that I own and he was curled up behind me, his arm wrapped around my stomach. His hand could no longer cover it entirely like he was able to do before with the progress that my baby bump was making. But it didn't stop him from trying to hold every piece of me and our baby that he could.

It wasn't the honeymoon that I expected to have, but it was the one that I got.

Sex happened eventually but it wasn't bubbly and full of smiles. Instead of that, it was holding onto one another with a desperation like nothing else, the need to hold onto one another and not let go. In a way, it was more meaningful than anything that we had ever done together, any time we had fallen into bed and made love like this. It was something deeper than everything that had come before it. None of it was fueled by grief. All of it was about staying connected to one another, to make sure that the fight that started off our marriage wasn't the fight that defined it. We had to be more than that. We had to stay connected.

It was a quieter honeymoon that I expected, too, even if it was just an extended weekend. There was a lot of reading for both of us to do. Connie emailed us a few websites and support groups local to Seattle that we could check out in the next few months as we prepared for our baby to come. But really, all of it extended past the defined period of our honeymoon.

By twenty-four weeks into the pregnancy, I have to switch over reading about the baby to doing as much studying for the boards as I can. While most people would be spending the last two months prepping for it, I would be on maternity leave and consumed by all things baby. Jackson was going to take two weeks off right after the baby was born but I had talked him into working and preparing for the boards. Of course, that had been before the diagnosis had been made. I wasn't sure if he would stick to the plan now.

"How are you feeling?" Izzie asked, eyeing my bump and my flashcards.

"I'm fine." I flipped to the next card. "The sooner this is in my brain, the better."

"Smart," she nodded in approval. "You're probably the only one who's not going to be cramming and panicked in the nights leading up to the board."

I laughed, shaking my head. "No, I'll be too sleep deprived and up with a crying baby instead."

"Sorry." Her smile looked more like a grimace with the apology. "That didn't come out how I wanted."

"It's fine," I shook my head. "This is what I signed up for. I'm happy. This is my little girl."

After knowing for a month, we had come clean with the diagnosis. Hiding it had been pointless, especially with all of the literature that Jackson had been openly reading in his spare time. Everyone had been supportive. For once in our life, in my life, there had been no smart ass comments about what was going on. I wasn't sure if that was really a good thing. It seemed like even Alex and Cristina were too scared to make some kind of smart-ass comment.

"I'm glad that you two are so happy together." Izzie gave a more genuine smile with her words. "You're good people. You deserve to be happy. I did a little reading, too, you know… It seems like a lot of parents are scared when they get that kind of diagnosis. But they're all happier once they have that baby in their lives."

"Yeah?" I'd read the same thing. "You should share that with Jackson."

"I already did. He said I should share it with you." She chuckled. "You guys are so married."

I wiggled the ring on my finger, lifting up my hand before letting it drop. "We definitely are."

"Stevens!" Bailey's sudden presence in the room caused both of us to flinch and sit up a little straighter upon he entrance. I hadn't heard her come in – neither had Izzie, apparently. For someone with such a powerful and commanding presence, she sure was good at managing to sneak up on people when she wanted to. "Aren't you supposed to be with Shepherd right now?"

There was no point in arguing and she knew that. "Yes, Dr. Bailey." She nodded and quickly stood up, flashing me an apologetic smile and wave. "I'm going there right now."

"Good." Bailey nodded with a firm nod of her head as Izzie ran out before turning toward me. "Kepner."

"Dr. Hunt said it was okay if I came up here to study for a bit. The E.R. wasn't that busy with surgical cases today and he said that he would page me the minute that he needed help down there." I explained defensively, clutching at my cards a little tighter than before.

"That's fine," she waved her hands. "I'm not here to yell at you."

"Oh," I breathed out, blinking in surprise. "Is there something?" I asked slowly.

"Yes." Bailey sat down where Izzie had been moments ago. "Dr. Webber asked me to talk to you about your future here at Seattle Grace Mercy West." Oh, no. This wasn't a conversation that I was ready for.

But I forced myself to nod. "Okay…"

"Dr. Hunt and Dr. Webber have already agreed that they are going to offer you a position as a trauma attending here once you've passed your boards in a few months," Dr. Bailey started. A relief. "And both of them understand if you want to take an extended leave to take care of your little girl once she comes given the circumstances that you and Jackson are facing right now. We'll make sure that it's all covered and taken care of. We just want to make sure that you still plan on taking the boards this year at the end of your residency."

"I am. I absolutely am." I nodded firmly. "And thank you, Dr. Bailey… and thank Dr. Webber and Dr. Hunt. I am so grateful to be able to stay here and I promise, I am going to crush the boards. I know that it's not the most convenient timing in the world but I'm going to make it work, I promise."

"We do believe in you, Kepner." There was a soft smile on her lips, one that was rarely seen. "We just want to help make sure that nothing falls through the crack for either one of you."

"Thank you," I repeated myself. "We're not going to let anything fall through. I promise."

A promise that I knew we would keep.

Flashcard after flashcard, every word on them becomes familiar with me. The more familiar that the set of flashcards becomes, the more flashcards that I have to make. Jackson would use them too, I was sure of that. Every surgical possibility that could be brought up during my boards was put down on paper. I hoped.

Days off became increasingly rare even though there was a technical limit to how many hours we could work – even if I wasn't technically scheduled, I found myself at the hospital, studying and working on the more administrative aspect of my job. It seemed like there was always something for the chief resident to do no matter how much I had managed to get done the day before. It was twelve jobs all cram packed into one. The list was a never-ending one that just kept getting piled on with more and more. Some days, I even amazed myself that I managed to make my way through all of it.

I spent more time at the hospital than I did at our home, even after we finally move into a new apartment and unpack.

"Babe?" Jackson's voice called out from down the hallway. "Will you come look at this?"

Even though the control freak in me wanted to micromanage every aspect of the nursery, while he was painting the walls, there wasn't much that I could do other than sitting back and wait for him to be done. But upon his permission to enter the nursery, I quickly dropped my book and made my way down the hallway, hand over my mouth and nose to avoid inhaling the fumes.

"What's up?" I asked.

"I need your approval," he started. "I want to make sure that you like the stars."

Not wanting to completely overwhelm the nursery with pink just because we knew that it was a girl, we had found a balance between pink, yellow, and white. The walls were a soft pink and along the wall with her crib, golden stars were now covering it. They were dense at the top and became more and more sparse as they moved down, perfectly fading out.

"I love it," I smiled, stepping forward and placing my hand on the railing of the white crib. "I think it's perfect. And I think that the baby will love it, too." As I spoke, I reached for his hand and placed it on my belly.

Both of us paused to feel for the kick. "So that means she likes it, huh?" Jackson questioned with a smile.

"Yeah, it does."

"Good." He glanced around the nursery. Beyond the walls and the crib itself, a throw carpet on the floor, the rest of it still needed to be set up. But we had another three months to prepare for that. I was trying not to rush it. I didn't want to stress him out when he was worried about the actual baby herself, work, and our boards.

"Don't forget that your mom is coming over for dinner tonight," I reminded him. "She'll want to see this place herself and probably insist on buying something for it. I don't know what, but, knowing her…"

"Yeah, knowing her," he agreed. "Are you going to cook? Or would you rather go out?"

"I'll cook." I could pull something together, that wasn't a problem. "I'm just… worried. I know that you told her over the phone but the three of us haven't had the chance to sit down and talk about her." As I spoke, I rubbed my belly. Catherine's approval meant too much to me at times.

"What about your mother?"

The question caused me to sigh. I had called and told her about the diagnosis, slightly begrudgingly in an attempt to keep her looped into our lives in case she decided to change her mind and come around, past her outdated ideals. She hadn't been rude about it, of course. That hadn't been my worry. She hadn't even given me some talk about how it was a punishment. No, she had an eerily similar reaction that I did – she didn't see a thing wrong with it. It was validating to have someone else react in the same way. I just had wished that it came from someone else.

"She said that she wants to come to visit after the baby is born." Whether I liked it or not, the fact that she was so supportive of the diagnosis had made me soften up. "I said that it was fine and we could work out the details down the road. We didn't get more specific than that."

"Huh." Jackson clucked his tongue. "Well, you know, telling Mom that might get her on board. She would hate the idea that your mother was being more progressive than she is."

"Yeah?" I couldn't help but laugh, shaking my head. "Maybe you're right."

"And if all else fails, we can distract her with talking about names." His eyebrows raised. There was a hint of amusement swimming inside of his light eyes and it pulled a smile across my face.

"As long as she knows we're not naming it after her." I shrugged. "I still like Matilda."

"Great musical, but not a great name." He shook his head in disagreement. "And if you bring that up in front of my mom, she's definitely going to side with me on that one. Sorry, babe."

Leaving him to finish up with what he was working on in the kitchen, I tidied up the mess that I had made while studying in the living room before busying myself in the kitchen. The only perk of having recently moved was that everything in the kitchen was freshly stocked.

Deciding to keep it simple, I throw together a chicken parmesan and some spaghetti to go along with it. There was a bag of premade caesar salad already in the fridge and a bottle of red wine if Catherine or Jackson decided that they wanted to have some. It was hearty for the winter that had begun to really settle in outside, and I knew that I made a good chicken parmesan. All it took was putting on a little more cheese than the recipe called for, and suddenly, everyone seemed to think it was the most magical thing in the world.

With dinner in the oven, I got changed into a nice maternity blouse and a pair of pants that wasn't quite so suffocating over my stomach. It was a little nerve-wracking to have to talk to her in person, whether I wanted to admit it or not. I loved Catherine but she was opinionated and hard to predict. I didn't want to be on the other side of an argument with her. I wanted her to be happy for us. Really happy.

A knock on the door of the apartment caught both of our attention. Jackson paused and we shared a knowing look. We would have to go in on this together, no matter what was coming our way from the grandmother to be. We had to be completely in sync.

"Hi, Mom." Jackson's voice was the first thing I heard after the door opened. He and Catherine hugged.

"Hey, sweetheart." She replied. "Oh, April, come over here and give me a hug."

"Hi, Catherine." I smiled sweetly before leaning forward to give her a hug, not wanting my stomach in the way. Each day that passed, though, it seemed to become more and more prominent. "How are you doing?"

Pleasantries are exchanged as she comes into the house and we get her into the kitchen. Jackson poured her a glass of wine and I finished getting dinner out of the oven and spaghetti out of the pot. I was avoiding talking to her. It was wrong of me, probably, but I couldn't help it. She might have been progressive in the sense that she was very pro-choice, but I wasn't sure that she would be as supportive of the choice made in this situation, even if it was mine to make. Or maybe I was just too paranoid about all of this.

But when all of the plates are full of food and the three of us sat down at the table, each of them pausing to allow me to pray, there was only so much avoiding the topic that could be done. The truth was out there.

"So, how is the nursery coming along?" Catherine asked.

"Really well," I smiled.

"Yeah," Jackson agreed. "We've got all of the walls painted now, so that's out of the way. We're going to get the rest of the pieces tomorrow I think to finish pulling it together." He elaborated.

"Three or four more months, and you'll be making me a grandmother." Catherine eyed me.

"Yeah…" I picked up my glass and water and took a long sip.

"Jackson and I did talk one on one a bit about the diagnosis." Now as she spoke, she was staring directly at me. I could feel my cheeks burning. "I'm glad that you're so comfortable with it, even if I find it… unexpected. Especially during this time in your life, no one would have blamed you if you hadn't kept the baby."

I set down my glass too hard. "I would have."

"Of course," she murmured though I could tell she hardly meant the words. "Either way, whatever the two of you need, I am here. You have all of the resources in the world that you could possibly need. Schools, nannies, doctors and therapists, whatever it is, we'll find a way to make it work. I know you both want to work too, which will be an extra challenge, but we'll find a way to make it all work out."

"Yes, Jackson and I will too." I don't intend to include her but she was inserting herself entirely. "We've been looking into a lot of resources ourselves. I've been offered an extended maternity leave and I might take it. I haven't decided. But we can figure it out." I looked at my husband.

"Yeah," he agreed with a nod of his head. "Mom, I appreciate that you're trying to help, but we've got this. I promise. We know what we're doing. This is something we've put a lot of thought into."

"I see that," Catherine spoke, sipping from her wine glass. "But as I said, I'm here to help."

"We know," I answered too quickly.

"And we're very grateful for it," Jackson moderated. "But we want to try and do this on our own, as much as we can, Mom. It's our baby. We're going to give her the best life possible. We're all going to have the best life possible. I promise."

A little huff escaped her. "I understand." She nodded. "I don't mean to overstep."

The words are, admittedly, hard to believe.

But by the time that Jackson and I were walking her out the door, and he walked her out to her car, I did feel better about her role. Maybe there was some residual judgment, but now, it seemed as if the biggest problem with my mother-in-law was the fact that she wanted to help too much. I knew she didn't mean it in a way that insinuated that neither one of us was incapable of doing what was needed for our child, but she was just… overbearing. That would take a little getting used to. It had been a long time since she had such a presence in my life. When Jackson and I were kids, I hadn't minded at all. She'd been the coolest woman I knew.

Laying down in bed with a thick pillow between my knees, I laid on my left side. It was better for the baby but it does mean that I can't face Jackson. My right side probably wouldn't have been as bad, but the more that I had laid on my left, the more comfortable it had become.

"Strawberry…" The nickname slipped through his lips easily as he rubbed my upper back. "What's on your mind? I can hear you thinking."

"Our little girl." A weak smile fell on my lips even without his eyes on my face.

"Me too," he murmured. "I can't stop thinking about her."

"I know that she's going to be happy and that we're going to be happy once we're here. Izzie said she told me the same thing she told you. That families are always happier than they ever were before." My pointer finer traced little circles and hearts on my baby bump. Right now, she seemed to be asleep. It was likely she would wake up before I got the chance to fall asleep.

His breath was against the back of my neck. "I know that we're going to be happy once the baby is here. I'm terrified for that day to come. And I'm excited, too. But I know that it's going to be one of the best days of my life."

"It will be." That was one thing without any doubt.


	14. Chapter 14

**_ JACKSON _ **

"Fuck you!"

Of all the things that my wife could have yelled at the police officer who had just pulled us over for speeding, that was pretty much the last thing that I expected to hear from her. She rarely cursed when other people could hear it, and even rarer did she do it anywhere other than behind the wheel. Sure, April was in the car with me, but she was sitting in the shotgun seat with it reclined as far back as it could go, holding onto her belly like it might have split away from her at any given moment. Hell, a week ago she'd gotten mad at me for cursing while studying in front of her, just because she knew that the baby could hear everything that we were doing and saying now.

"I'm so sorry, officer." Now wasn't the time to remind her that it's not the best thing to antagonize a cop after pulling over a black man. "My wife is in labor and we're trying to get to the hospital." She backed up my statement almost immediately with a caterwauling.

"Oh, shit. Been there. Go on!" He replied with wide eyes.

Not wanting to give him the time to change his mind, I thanked him with a nod of my head and quickly rolled up the window, shifting from park to drive. We didn't live far from the hospital, only a couple of miles, and there was no need to get on the highway to get there quickly. But I had certainly been driving like I was on the highway, shockingly, at April's insistence. She was in enough pain that she didn't care about my speeding or weaving through lanes.

Cutting it a little close with a yellow light at the intersection before the hospital, I park the car as quickly as I can and get out. Slinging her packed bag over my shoulder, I opened up the door to the passenger and helped her get out of the seat carefully.

I tried to reassure her as I wrapped my arm around her waist and helped her waddle to the entrance of the hospital. It would take virtually no time for us to get checked in with the face recognition and the fact that I had texted Izzie ahead of time. She was working today which meant she had a string or two to pull before we got there.

"We're here, everything's going to be fine."

"Says the one who doesn't have to push a bowling ball through a tiny hole," April grumbled.

"We'll get checked into your room and get your birthing playlist going. Are you sure that you don't want to do an epidural? It's okay to change your mind. You're already doing an amazing thing, having some drugs to help doesn't change that." I encouraged her.

She groaned, sitting down in a chair as I approached the nurse's station. My suspicions were correct and Izzie had already made sure that they knew we were coming so that they could get a room ready. Even if the healthcare for the hospital employees isn't perfect, money wasn't something that I was worried about, and it was enough to guarantee that she would have a room to herself.

Fortunately, it doesn't take long to get checked in and into the room.

"It's going to be okay." I rubbed circles in her lower back as she stood up, her hands on the bed and leaning forward with a groan. "We're having a baby, strawberry. A little girl. How many times have you said that it's going to be perfect?"

"If you're going to be this annoyingly optimistic, I don't want you in here." She grumbled. "I'm in agonizing pain and I need to cry and oh my god, this sucks." Her forehead rested against the bed.

"I'm sorry." There's not much I can do to change the pain. "I wish I could make it easier."

Her playlist was a mixture of some of our favorite songs and a few soothing tunes thrown in to try and balance it out. I couldn't even begin to imagine what kind of pain she was in. The only male equivalent that I had ever heard of was a kidney stone but I had been fortunate enough to avoid getting any of those in my lifetime. I'd never seen her in pain like this before, swearing and her face bunched up, unable to stay still but unable to focus on doing something for long. I tried to get her on an exercise ball and it only lasts for about two contractions before she's up and moving around again.

"Oh god, Jackson, what if we can't do this?" April asked.

There it was – the moment that I had been waiting and preparing for. I knew that it would come at some point. The panic was settling in. She had been so calm and so positive throughout the pregnancy, always a smile and the right words to say. But this was agonizing pain. The kind of pain that was enough to finally make her crack.

"We can do it, baby. We can." This time I stop trying to soothe her with my hands, grabbing her shoulders and getting her to look me in the eye. "We have been preparing for this for months and I'm pretty sure we have read every single resource that is out there. There is nothing that we don't know. And remember what you told me? We're doctors. We are two smart, good doctors and if there is anyone who is capable of handling this, it's us. It's you and me. It's always been me and you. There's nothing that the two of us can't do. This is going to be a painful few hours, okay? I won't lie. Unless you change your mind about the epidural, it's going to be painful. But April, you are opening the door to the most beautiful part of our life together by giving birth to this baby girl. There is nothing that you can't do. Every single thing that you have set your mind to in your entire life, you have done it. This is just one more thing. I promise we can do it. You can do it."

"We're having a baby." The way that she said the words, it was as if it was the first time this had really dawned upon her. "Oh, god. We're doing this. We're actually doing this, Jackson." She was half-smiling yet there was still a hint of terror on her expressions. I couldn't blame her for that. I was terrified. Our lives were about to change permanently. I was so terrified but I had to keep it together while she was in labor.

"Yeah, we are." I gave her a convincing smile and nod of her head. "We are having an awesome baby girl. And you know why? Because you're strong and you've carried us through this far. We've just got a little more to go. A few hours, and she'll be here, and she'll be perfect."

"She's going to be so beautiful." There was exhaustion in her smile as she spoke.

"Yeah, she is." I agreed with a nod of her head, pushing hair away from her forehead that was sticking from the sweat. "She's going to have her mother's smile. She's going to look just like you, I know it.

"I want her to have your eyes." April had told me that before but I smiled and nodded.

"She's going to be everything that we want her to be." Down syndrome, for a moment, didn't matter. She would be everything that we wanted her to be because she was our daughter. For right now, it could be as simple as that. The complications would come but she was still our baby girl and that was the part that mattered more than anything else in the world. She was our little everything.

When she finally pushed me out of the room so that she could have a few minutes to herself, I don't want to go anywhere. But I have to respect what she wanted. I guess if I had a kid tearing its way through the lower half of my body, I would want a break from people too.

Pacing the hallway, there was nothing to keep me busy in this ward. I could hear the sound of other mothers in labor, screaming in pain. April was already in so much and knowing that it was only going to get worse with certain parts of labor was hard for me to deal with. Leaving the maternity ward, I make my way up to the burn unit. I need something familiar to clear my head with before I could go back there and be the man that April needed me to do be right now.

"Avery!" Sloan's booming voice carried down the hallway. "What are you doing up here?"

"April needed a little space," I explained, shrugging. "I didn't particularly enjoy the sound of screaming women down in the maternity ward so I thought I'd stretch my legs."

"You're really about to be a father." He clapped my shoulder. "Are you ready?"

"Is anyone ever ready?" I wanted to think I was, that I had done all of the reading that was necessary, but truthfully… I didn't have a damn clue. Every parent I knew said that it wasn't the kind of thing that you could prepare for but that had not stopped either one of us from doing our best to try.

"Probably not." He chuckled. "But I'm excited for you. You guys are going to be good parents." He was genuine with his words. "Just make sure that you don't slack off for your boards. Either one of you. We'll need you here next year."

"That's the plan." I hoped it was one that we could stick to.

"Well, if anyone can do it, it's the two of you." His words of reassurance were filling – ones that April and I had both said back and forth to each other so many times, it was nice to actually hear someone else confirm it. We had dedicated ourselves to this and would settle for nothing less than success.

I don't spend long in the burn unit stretching my legs. When I made my way back to the maternity ward, I get a fresh cup of ice ships for April, hoping to appease her with any minor thing that I could manage. She was laying on the bed again, on her side and holding onto the railing.

"Hey, strawberry." I greeted her gently, not wanting to startle her. "Contraction?"

She groaned out in response, unable to speak.

"It's okay." Setting down the cup of water, I moved behind her. "Do you want to try some of the positions in that book you read? See if it makes any of it easier?"

Another pained moan left her lips and I rubbed her lower back until the contraction had ended. She was breathing heavily and I could see the sweat dripping down the back of her neck. She was getting tired from his and I couldn't blame her. It explained why she was finally laying down again instead of all of the standing, squatting, and rotating with the exercise ball that she had been doing earlier.

"One of the residents came by to check me when I kicked you out," April breathed out as she moved to get on all fours, putting two pillows beneath her chest so she could rest forward on. "Six centimeters. Almost in the transition phase."

"You should have told me to come back sooner." I kissed the back of her shoulder, rubbing her lower back. "I would have come. I wasn't sure how long you wanted me gone."

"I needed a few minutes to scream and cry without being calmed down." She admitted. "I called my mom, too. She sounded happy."

Shit, I'd completely forgotten about my own mother. "I'll call mine once it's over."

"Good idea," April nodded. "I don't know if I can handle her during this."

"The transition stage is the fastest stage," I reminded her. "We're that much closer to having our baby girl here with us. She's so close, baby. We're so close."

Even though it was the fastest stage of labor, it doesn't feel that way for either one of us. At some point, she made the progression from active to the transition stage, and there was next to no break as contraction after contraction hit. She got a minute, if she was lucky, from crying between pain. Nausea hits her hard and she ends up spending a few of the breaks between contractions hunched uncomfortably over the toilet. There wasn't much I could do for her beside hold her hair out of the way and help wipe her mouth. It was difficult to watch but I knew it had to be a hundred times harder for her to actually handle.

It seems like it had taken hours before the resident came back to check on her and announced that she had finally reached ten centimeters and her uterus was effaced. Dr. Ryan showed up minutes later with a bright smile and energy that neither one of us had after being here for hours.

"Your baby is ready to come out, April." Dr. Ryan announced as she looked up from between my wife's legs. "Are you ready to push?"

"Oh, god," April cried out, her head shaking from side to side. "I'm so tired."

"Jackson and one of the nurses are going to hold up your legs, so you don't have to worry about any of that." With her words, I moved over to lift up her left leg, taking the hint. "But your little girl is ready to come out. I know you're tired. But you can do this."

One of my arms held up her leg in the same position as the nurse across from me, and the other held onto her hand so she had something to squeeze. When April began to push, her face scrunched up completely and she screamed as she had never screamed before. It was different than the noises that she had made throughout her contractions, deeper and a little wilder. It was just like what I had heard from the other mothers when I had walked through the ward, loud and pained, hard to listen to. Time passed slowly.

But then, it came. The screaming got worse as April presumably passed through the ring of fire and Dr. Ryan leans forward quickly to make a catch. I held onto her leg a little too tightly as I peered forward, seeing the messy head of our newborn daughter as she made the final push to give birth to our daughter.

"Here she is," Dr. Ryan exclaimed. "Jackson, do you want to cut the cord?"

Gently setting down April's leg, I nodded as I took the scissors from her. I already knew exactly where to cut and yet there was still a powerful feeling at making the simple snip that disconnected my wife and newborn daughter, officially welcoming her presence into the world and our lives.

"Gimme." April requested in a tired, muttered syllable.

Our daughter was handed over and placed down gently in her arms, one of the nurses wiping clean her face with a towel. She was smaller than I expected given how big April's belly had been in the past month – wide-set eyes that were swollen, small ears. Her nose looked like mine. She was pink and looked healthy. There were a few thin strands of hair on top of her head, lighter than mine and darker than April's.

"I love you," April sobbed as she held our daughter. "I love you so much, baby girl."

"She's perfect," I whispered in agreement, one hand beneath April's as she held onto our daughter. There was no doubt about her diagnosis looking at her now, but that didn't change two simple facts: she was beautiful and she was ours.

"She's perfect." My wife echoed in agreement, kissing the top of her forehead. "She's so perfect. Oh my god, I love her so much."

The nurses allow us to have a few minutes of just fawning over our daughter and admiring her, memorizing every tiny little facial feature. Whatever doubts had been there in the past and when we had gotten the diagnosis, they were completely gone. There was no doubt in my mind that this was the exact little girl that we were meant to take home and to love, to raise and to hold, to do everything for the rest of our lives together with. She was the one.

"Have you decided on a name for her?" Angela, one of the nurses, asked.

I looked at her, waiting for her to nod. "We have," I answered. "Quinn. Quinn Kepner Avery. Kepner as the middle name, not hyphenated."

"Quinn." April echoed with a knackered but euphoric smile.

When she was finally taken away for the typical newborn tests and to get completely cleaned up, April delivered the placenta to take the last step before collapsing completely with her exhaustion. I laid down next to April on the bed. It only took a few minutes for her to finally fall asleep. I hold her a few minutes before getting up to make a needed phone call to my mom, knowing that she would be made if we waited too long to tell her that her granddaughter had been born.

After a few rings, she picked up the phone. "Hi, sweetheart."

"Hi, Mom." There was no point in trying to hold a normal conversation. "April just had the baby."

"Really?" Her joy was abundant. "Oh, I can't believe that you didn't call me sooner! I'm going to get the first flight to Seattle and be there tonight, Jackson. I can't wait to see both of you."

"She seems really healthy, and April is doing well." I couldn't contain my own smile, running my hand over my face as I leaned against the hospital wall. "They're both doing well."

"I'm happy to hear that," Catherine expressed. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

Getting up to call my mom hadn't disturbed April's sleep. She had begun snoring slightly and I slowly lowered myself onto the bed again, stretching out my legs next to her and staying on top of the covers. I couldn't even begin to imagine how tired she must have been. I was tired and she was the one who had done all the work. She had given us a beautiful daughter.

"I love you," I murmured to her sleeping form. "I love you so much and you did so, so well."

To my surprise, I fall asleep too. It's not a deep sleep, in and out, mostly wanting to make sure that she remained comfortable and asleep with my face buried in her hair. She doesn't smell sweet like she usually does from all of the sweat, but there wasn't much done to avoid that. She would get a chance to shower and clean up eventually. For now, April still had a lot of healing to do.

Wanting to let her sleep for a little bit longer, I slip out of the bed again and shut the door to her room behind me. In doing so, I nearly walked face first into Izzie – changed into plain clothes after coming off what must have been a long shift, and likely coming to congratulate April.

"She's sleeping," I warned her before she could say anything else.

"That's okay," Izzie smiled brightly. "How's the little angel doing?"

"Really good." My smile mirrored hers. "And her name is Quinn. She's… she's perfect, Izzie. God, I didn't realize that I could love another human being so much. I mean, I love April with everything in me, and I thought that was it. But I love her so much."

"I can't wait to meet her." She expressed. "Is April doing well too?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "It took it out of her, I can tell, but she seems to be doing pretty well. I think she just needs to sleep it off a little more."

"Might as well while she's still here," Izzie agreed. "Because you guys are definitely not going to be getting any normal amount of sleep any time soon. I love kids and I want my own one day, but I am not envious of what the two of you are doing right now. I can't imagine having to cram in studying for my boards with raising a little one."

The words had come from pretty much everyone in some form or fashion. "It won't be easy." That was a fate that we had accepted. "But I know we can do it. You know how April is. She can do anything that she sets her mind to."

"She can." The blonde nodded. "And you know, I'm happy to babysit a night or two."

"You've mentioned it," I chuckled. "And we appreciate it. I don't know if April's going to be able to take you up on it – the way that she looks at that baby, I'll be surprised if even I get a chance to hold her for more than a minute or two. But she might want a visitor or two, maybe a study buddy, while she's on maternity leave. That way she doesn't get too lonely, or too sick of me, you know?" I wanted to make sure that she had everything she needed. She didn't want me to take off the same amount of time as her, and it was going to be hard not to – two weeks just didn't seem like enough.

"I can definitely do that," she agreed easily. "I'll make plans with her, but not right away. I'm sure that she's tired and she doesn't want to be overwhelmed right now. I've heard what she said about your mother."

My eyes rolled. "Yeah, Mom is hard to escape from."

"I'll come by and see the two of you in the morning before my shift," she promised, grabbing my hand and giving it a tight squeeze. "Congratulations, Jackson. And give some of my love to April."

"Will do," I smiled. "See you tomorrow, Izzie."

A hug was exchanged and I watch her go before making my way up to the nursery. It already felt like it had been too long since I had seen Quinn and I wanted to hold her for myself, plus make sure that all of the tests came back normal. There were a lot of possible issues, even right after birth. We had gotten lucky with avoiding a congenital heart defect so far, but that didn't mean that we were out of the deep end entirely. There were still too many bad possibilities. Over the years, it was likely that we would have to face some of them. But for now, I wanted a break for both of us.

Standing on the other side of the window, our little girl was easy to spot even though she was bundled up with the same blanket as the other newborns, a little pink cap on her head. Her eyes set her apart. She's not the smallest baby in the nursery, but she was close to it.

Not wanting to bother any of the nurses that were working at the moment, I just stood outside of the nursery and watched our little girl. She was asleep, just like her mother. Her mouth hung up in the same way that April's did whenever she was in a deep sleep.

"Hey, Jackson." I heard Dr. Ryan's voice as she approached. "Is April sleeping?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "She's worn out and I wanted her to have a little peace."

"Your timing is good because I just got back baby Quinn's test results." She smiled. "She does have poor muscle tone which is pretty consistent for babies with Down syndrome. We'll have to look out for constipation with her and keep a careful eye on her feeding. Her blood work also showed hypothyroidism, which as you know, is very, very treatable.

Taking a deep breath, I let the information settle. None of it was terrible, all of it was manageable. "I assume we'll need to do liquid levothyroxine for the hypothyroidism?" I questioned.

"Yeah. That or a tablet which you can crush up and put in some formula, but April did say that she wanted to breastfeed if the baby was able to, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then we'll stick with the liquid for now. We'll keep her here for another night or two and make sure that there aren't any problems that haven't shown up yet." Dr. Ryan explained. "There's one more thing. She did have one episode of sleep apnea already. That's another common issue with Down syndrome babies and another reason that I want to keep her here for a few more nights to make sure that it doesn't get worse."

Shit. "Shouldn't she be on a CPAP machine?"

"CPAP machines aren't always beneficial in cases of central sleep apnea, which is what the neonatologist suspects Quinn has. There's no sign of an obstruction. Usually, this will go away on its own in a little bit of time. Since Quinn was at term, it shouldn't take terribly long." Even though the details should have been reassuring, they aren't.

"How long?" I questioned. "I mean, what's the average timetable for this kind of thing?"

"No longer than a month, but it's hard to get into the specifics right now. We'll have to wait and see." She answered.

"Shit," I swore, scratching the back of my head and turning to look at Quinn through the glass again. "This is going to break April's heart. I mean, if she doesn't get to take her home soon…" I'd have to water it down for her. She had already been through enough today and I didn't want something to push her over the edge.

"There's a chance that she could. Don't lose hope." Dr. Ryan smiled at me. "Would you like to take her down to see her mother now?"

"Yeah."

Quinn wakes up as she was moved but doesn't cry out or make a fuss. Instead, she looked up at me with large eyes, the same ones that I had seen in the mirror every day of my life. April had gotten her wish in that aspect. They were beautiful on our daughter, looking up at me with confusion and awe, trying to figure out her new life outside of April's womb.

_Love me. Love me, Daddy. I know I'm not what you expected but please love me._

It was as if I could hear her begging the words, and I wanted to scream back at her. I do. I do. My entire chest felt as if it could burst at any moment looking down at her, wanting nothing more than to scoop her up in my arms and hold her, to never put her down again. In the elevator, I leaned down and kissed her sweetly on the forehead. A little hand that had untangled itself from her swaddle reached up and touched me on the cheek, pulling away when she felt the rough stubble across my cheek. Shaving had been a low priority once April had gone into labor, and I had already been in need.

"Yeah, your Mommy doesn't like it either." I chuckled, giving her another kiss and beginning to push her down the hallway toward April's room. "You're her mini-me, aren't you?"

A little gurgle of spit up was the only response that Quinn gave me.

"Yeah, you are." I smiled, finally reaching her room.

When I opened up the door and held it open with my back to pull Quinn in her little bed into the room, it took April a moment to wake up. She hadn't noticed me coming and going a few times, but it seemed like she had a sixth sense when it came to the presence of our little girl. I smiled at her, slowly bending down and picking up our daughter to hold her in my arms. I inhaled deeply. I'd always heard women talk about that newborn smell, but I had never understood it until now. That smell was our little one.

"Hi, Mommy." A brief glance was given up at my wife before my daughter absorbed my gaze again. "Our little five pounds and ten-ounce angel was missing you."

"Hi, sweetheart." Her voice was dry and she reached for the cup that had been ice chips, now just water, taking a long drip from it. "Should I try feeding her?" She asked. I glanced down at our daughter, her tongue sticking out of her mouth adorably.

"Yeah, I guess so." Might as well see how it went. "They said to keep an eye on her feed."

"Why's that?" April asked.

Holding back my sigh, I stepped toward her bed and lowered our daughter into her arms. "Because of the Down syndrome," I began. "She's got some low muscle tone and hypothyroidism, according to the blood test. They want to keep her a few nights to monitor the possibility of her having sleep apnea." I delivered the news as gently as I could.

"Oh." The syllable escaped her quietly and she looked down at Quinn with wide eyes, her thumb rubbing across her chubby cheek. "Okay. We can do that. Can't we, little girl?" Her voice shifted with the coo escaping.

"I'll get your blanket out of the bag." I offered as she began unbuttoning her shirt.

"No, it's okay this time." She shook her head. "I read that it can be harder. I might need your help."

Nodding, I grabbed one of the extra chairs in the room and pulled it over toward the edge of her bed. As her breast came out, Quinn didn't seem particularly interested in it. It feels a little weird to watch her do this like I'm intruding in a mother-daughter moment. I had read about the bond that breastfeeding created between mother and child. It wasn't something that I could understand, for obvious reasons.

"She's not latching," April muttered, one hand holding the baby and the other holding her breast, trying to urge Quinn to take her nipple.

"Maybe try holding her the other way? So her feet are toward me?" I suggested.

She nodded her head and switched around the direction that Quinn was in before finding herself in the same position, holding onto herself and a newborn that didn't seem interested in latching on. She pinched her nipple so a little colostrum came out, trying to get her attention.

"Oh, come on, sweetheart." April sang to her. "I know that you must be hungry."

"Do you want me to call for a lactation consultant?" I asked helplessly.

"No." A stubborn shake of her head followed. "I can figure it out. We've got this. It's just going to take a few tries for us to find what she likes, that all. Let me take her out of the blanket. Skin-to-skin contact is supposed to help. It'll get her instincts coming out." As she spoke, she unwrapped Quinn from the blanket, leaving her just in her diaper. "We got this, don't we, Quinn?"

"Maybe you could lay back a little further and have her laying vertically on your stomach. I've seen a couple of pictures of moms doing that with their newborns." Even if this wasn't really my area of expertise, I couldn't stop with suggestions.

April nodded her head as she moved around with our daughter again, the two of them stomach to stomach. Quinn let out a big, wide-mouthed yawn that must have come from me and she took advantage of the moment, basically shoving her nipple into Quinn's mouth. There's a deep furrow between her brows as she stared down at our daughter a few seconds passed before it finally began to relax, leaning back into the pillows propping her up.

"There she goes." A smile softened my wife's lips as she held our daughter. "Atta girl."

"A quick learner. Just like her Mommy."

After an uncomplicated vaginal delivery, most women stayed in the hospital with their babies for twenty-four to forty-eight hours, assuming that the baby was healthy. Even though giving birth like that could take a huge toll on the body, there wasn't much that a hospital could do to help heal.

Two nights spent at the hospital trying to get enough sleep to compensate for the weeks and months ahead of us, and then April got discharged from the hospital. Mom tried to insist that she go home and rest, but I knew that the woman I had married was stubborn. Quinn had to spend a full week in the nursery, a couple nights on the CPAP machine to make sure that she didn't spontaneously stop breathing during the night and then a few more, just to make sure that she was truly healthy and ready to go home. Neither one of us spent the days between at home, just the nights. April stayed in her office, sleeping and studying, going up every few hours to breastfeed so that Quinn didn't lose any of the progress that had been made.

"She's really coming home today." April's hand was pressed onto the glance, looking at our little girl.

"She is." I smiled at the redhead, wrapping an arm around her waist. "We're never sleeping again."

"Yeah," she laughed with a nod of her head. "But it's going to be worth it. Besides, with all of the time that I'm not going to spend sleeping, I'm pretty sure I'm going to out-study every single one of you and ace my boards." A silly expectation, one that we both knew wasn't realistic.

"You'll ace them no matter what." I kissed the top of her head. "I'm going to pull around the car. We can stop by the drive-thru at CVS on the way home so that we can get the levothyroxine for her. Sound like a plan?"

It takes a screaming fit to get Quinn into her car seat. It was a good thing that I had installed it a few weeks ago because the thing had been a damn demon to get into the back seat of our car. But now, we were finally taking our week year old daughter home to our new apartment, everything clean and waiting for her. The nursery was finished, well-lit and with a comfortable nursing chair, pillows, and blankets for April. I knew she'd spent a lot of time in there over the next few weeks and wanted her to be as comfortable as possible. There was even a little stand by the table. She'd said she wanted to be able to nurse and study at the same time since it could take so long sometimes. I wasn't sure if she really would, but at least she had the option.

As much as Quinn hated getting into the car seat, she didn't seem any more fond of getting out of it. The jarring of having to remove her from it startles her and she cries again, even as April held onto her securely and soothed her, rubbing her bag and humming a little tune.

"It's okay, angel," April soothed, bouncing up and down gently. "We're almost there." It was taking me a minute longer to get the door open with my hands full of our stuff. Finally, I do.

"Welcome home, Quinn."


	15. Chapter 15

**_ APRIL _ **

My daughter was perfect.

At least, that was what I thought. Every new mother said that. Maybe at this point during her life, she wasn't different from any other child. She slept most of the day and yet it still seemed like I wasn't getting near enough sleep, even with Jackson at home for the first two weeks of her life. I try to sleep when she sleeps, but there was always some kind of distraction – messages from well-meaning loved ones, the fact that recovery was still painful, the ever-growing pile of laundry and constant need for more diapers or baby wipes or butt cream. Quinn had a pair of lungs on hers and didn't always latch immediately, but there wasn't a thing about her that I would have changed.

My daughter may not have been what I prayed for during my pregnancy, but she was without a doubt the answer to my prayers.

Sleep deprivation stared back at me in the mirror. Between the time that I'm not sleeping, I do manage to study squeezing in for boards. My eyes stare at the flashcards on the little stand by the chair that I typically feed Quinn in. I can recite them off without thinking. But it was at the point where I had looked at them so much, I wasn't sure if I was retaining it beyond basic memorization. I'm more exhausted than I wanted to admit. I couldn't imagine going back to work as Jackson had.

Although I didn't get to actually physically be at the hospital and practicing medicine, between getting to hear the stories of cases that Jackson worked on and going through the details with him, and all of the flashcards that I poured through and created, it seemed like my brain was still managing to process just as much as it had been before. But I'm slow-moving. Taking a shower was enough to give me a little separation anxiety with Quinn and that was more often than not with Jackson already home and playing with our little girl.

Even if falling asleep seemed like a good option at just about any point in the day, it never does seem to come as easily as I want it to. I'm stressed. I've never been this stressed in my entire life – not through college or medical school, none of that compared to the fact that I was now entirely responsible for the care of a beautiful little girl and supposed to be getting my career on track. Dr. Bailey, Hunt, and Webber had all expressed their explicit faith in me when they had extended the attending offer to me before I had passed my boards. There was no way that I could let them down. I had to kill them, even if it felt more like it was just killing myself.

Taking care of her alone wasn't much different than having Jackson around. He did what he could with changing diapers and helping out at bath time, but feeding was the hardest part because of how often she had to do it. I was scared to give her the bottle. Latching was difficult enough on an easy day and I didn't want to completely ruin the progress that she had made by giving her a bottle instead of my nipple.

"Oh, honey, I thought you were sleeping."

Catherine's voice drew me out of my phase. I'd been sitting here folding the same onesie over and over again, ignoring the basket to the side of me that actually still needed to be folded.

"Hi," I gave a sleepy smile. "I tried and couldn't fall asleep. I keep thinking about my boards."

"You don't need to worry about that. I know how smart you. You'll be fine." She smiled at me reassuringly. It seemed so genuine that I almost want to blindly believe her and go take a nap until I needed to feed my daughter again.

"I hope that you're right." If I failed, then I had no idea what I would do. I'd be out of a job. As much as I adored Quinn, I didn't want to just be a mom. I loved what I did.

"Why don't you let me take care of this laundry, and you go lay down? I know that Quinn is the little queen of this household, but you can still get some rest now and then." The suggestion was kind as she sat down and placed her hand on top of mine, making sure that I didn't fold the same piece of clothing again.

"Queen might have been a more accurate name for little Quinnie," I chuckled.

Catherine laughed. "Queenie could be a cute one."

"Queenie?" I echoed the words with a raise of my eyebrows. "You know what? I actually kind of love that."

Following through with her advice to the best of my ability, I go to the bedroom to lay down for a while. Even if I'm in and out of sleep, never as deep as what would have been refreshing, just being able to stretch out my entire body without a husband or a baby in the same bed felt good.

One month left of maternity leave if I didn't extend it. But I wanted to. I would come back to work after I crushed my boards.

We were so lucky that the hospital had a daycare right there on site, able to drop her off without any extra stops before or after work, to come down and see her during lunch or between surgeries. That was something that could have been difficult – I knew that I was attached to her as could be and it was always the other way that people talked about being difficult. Quinn was so sweet. She didn't kick or lash out, and occasionally her reach wasn't perfect. Motor development was bound to be slow. She was on the end of the spectrum that had less fidgety movements than a neurotypical baby, as opposed to more. It made it easier to sit and study with her. She seemed to know what her mommy needed most.

"80-year-old man with a GCS of 15, admitted to ICU 3 hours following a fall from ground level. Bilateral proximal humerus fractures splinted. CT scans of the brain and cervical spine show a 1cm left frontal lobe intracerebral contusion and chronic degenerative changes to the cervical spine without acute fracture. The neurological assessment shows good motor strength and reﬂexes in the lower extremities. Motor strength in the upper extremities is difﬁcult to assess due to the fractures, but the patient appears to have bilateral loss of ﬁne motor movement in the ﬁngers and weakness with wrist ﬂexion and extension. Findings are most consistent with…"

Reading them out loud to her isn't common. Even if come of it isn't pretty or age-appropriate, it's not like she would remember. Talking to your baby was one of the most important things that you could do.

Queenie babbled at me mindlessly.

"Is that central cord syndrome?" I cooed at her, making a face with wide eyes and raised eyebrows. "Yes, yes it is. That's my smart little girl. It affects motor strength in the upper extremities more severely than the lower extremities and they frequently have spinal stenosis."

Covering her faces with kisses and raspberries, she giggled in delight though she barely squirmed in my arms. I rested my nose against the top of her forehead for a moment, breathing in that sweet baby smell. There was nothing else in the world like it. I could hold her in my arms and smell her just like that until the day that I died without a problem as long as she would stay this small and sweet.

"How about another one?" I asked her. "55-year-old male presents with a large midline incisional hernia after undergoing an exploratory laparotomy for trauma 15 years ago. He is increasingly symptomatic and desires repair. The defect measures 15 by 8 cm. You consent for an open bilateral component separation and mesh placement. During initial fascial incision, you find dense adhesions and 5 full thickness enterotomies are made incidentally. There is some spillage of succus, and full thickness repairs are performed successfully in each of these locations. How would you proceed at this point?"

"Bilateral component separation with biologic mesh." Jackson's voice came in out of the blue. "I've heard that card before."

"But you didn't answer all of it," I quipped with a smirk. "The problem with primary suture repair is suture line tension. Up to 10 cm of rectus fascia can be mobilized using this method, to allow for tension-free closure of midline tissue." I couldn't help but show off a little.

His eyes rolled.

"I'm just saying. I know you aren't a general or trauma surgeon, but it is still good to know."

"This is the cost I pay for coming home to the chief resident," he teased with a smile growing across his face as he walked across the room to Quinn and me. He bent down, kissing her on the head. "Hi there, sweetheart," he whispered just to her. "And hi, Mommy," he added as he kissed my cheek. "How was your day?"

"Good," I smiled up at him, nose scrunched up and bouncing our little girl slightly. "We got a lot of good studying in. Only one little moment of a feeding difficulty but we recovered. I think she's excited for bath time."

"We do love bath time," Jackson smiled.

"How was work?" I asked him, raising my eyebrows with the hope of a juicy story.

"Honestly, not that great," he admitted with a shrug of his shoulders. "All of the attendings are cracking down so much with the boards, you know, they just want to make sure that everything goes well for all of us. I spent today studying instead of operating. Not the most exciting day."

I laughed. "That's my every day with this little one."

"Well, maybe it would have been better if I was at home with the both of you," he suggested.

"Definitely."

"How about I get something made up for dinner?" Jackson offered. "We're leaving tomorrow night for San Francisco and I'm sure that you want some kind of homemade meal between now and then. I'm sure something that you didn't have to make yourself would be good."

"Yes, please!" I smiled and let out a small laugh. "Make anything. Literally, anything, I do not care one bit."

The fact that we were finally taking our boards wasn't lost upon me.

Four years of college, four more years of medical school and all of the rotations in hospitals that came with it, a year of being an intern followed by four years of being a resident here in Seattle – that was thirteen whole years of nothing but education and practice for the job that both of us wanted more than almost anything else in the world. Our entire lives had been building up to this moment and everything that would inevitably come after we did it. This was all the thirteen years meant, defined in one day, one test. It was the most important part of our careers thus far.

Yet, because of Quinn, all of that felt different.

When I had dreamed of taking the boards years ago, I wanted to go to San Francisco and embrace the city for the little time I was there, knowing that even if it was terrifying, passing my boards would be a wonderful memory. But I knew now I was going to be there for the shortest amount of time possible.

Generously, Dr. Bailey had offered to take care of Quinn herself. Catherine had wanted to but she would be in San Francisco with the both to us to administer boards. Jackson hated the idea of having his mother there and had nearly pleaded with her to try and get her to change her mind and take care of her granddaughter instead, but she was a rock. Once her mind was made up about something, there was no way that she was going to go back on that decision. She had just proved it one more time. Besides her, there was no one more that we could have trusted. Bailey was a good mother, the smartest and strongest women that either of us knew outside of his family. But she was also kind and compassionate like no one else beyond that. We were lucky that she was kind enough and cared enough to make the offer.

With Jackson cooking dinner, I take the time to breastfeed Quinn and get her down for a short nap before her bath. It'd give us the chance to talk and eat, hopefully without interruption. That was never a guarantee.

"How are you feeling about going to San Francisco tomorrow?" Jackson asked as I set the table while he finished up with the chicken and pasta that he was making.

"Nervous. So nervous." There was no point in lying about it. He would see right through it. "She's never had a night without me."

"It'll be good to ease her into it, you know," he suggested. "Because there might be some nights at work where you have to stay late, or overnight. At least this one is planned and we know exactly what we're doing. We trust Bailey." The reassurance was appreciated, but the fear was already settled deep in my stomach and going nowhere.

"I know we do." I sighed, sitting down. "I'm going to miss her."

"Me too." He agreed. "It's hard to work and know that the two of you are here at home without me."

"She still loves you just as much." I smiled in thanks as he served me. "You know that."

"You're her favorite." Jackson sat down with his own food.

"Just because I feed her." I rolled my eyes.

"It's impossible not to love those boobs."

"Oh, stop it!" I snorted before taking a bite of the pasta and chicken. It was delicious, alfredo sauce with some mushrooms and broccoli too. "My boobs are weird these days. So weird. I know this is their purpose or a big part of it, but it's weird."

He shook his head. "It's sexy."

"You'll say that no matter what if it means getting to suck up to me," I pointed out.

"Not true." He took a bite before continuing. "Come on. You're taking care of my little girl. And yeah, they're bigger, which just happens to be a bonus. What about that isn't sexy?"

I took a deep breath, trying and failing to be annoyed by his logic. "I bet she's going to miss them while we're gone. I hope that she's not too difficult for Bailey. I mean, I feel like nothing is for her, but my mind still goes there. I want things to be smooth but I know it'll probably be hard to get her to go from bottle to nipple once we're back."

"Say that and I might not think she's mine." Jackson teased. My eyes narrowed slightly.

"That's not funny. I'm being serious." I huffed.

"I know, strawberry," he softened as he reached across the table for my hand. I let him take mine but I don't return the hold. "And I know your tendency to worry and to want everything to be perfect. But I think, right now, it would be good for you to take a step back and look at the big picture. It's one night at a hotel, then most of the day. You're setting yourself up for your career so you can support her and take care of her so that you're able to give her a strong role model. That's huge. That's something you want to do. Focus on that positive. That's the part that matters more than anything else right now."

Chewing at the inside of my cheek, I broke eye contact and stared just past him. He was right. He always was when he had to talk me down like this even if there was some dumb instinct inside of me to initially reject what he said. I was too stubborn for my own good sometimes.

"I'll try." I could promise that and nothing more. "I will. It's just so hard."

"Didn't say that it would be easy." His smile turned sympathetic with the words. "It won't be. But you know that you can do anything. That's just who you are."

No matter how much I dread it, though, the moment comes.

Quinn doesn't like it any more than I do.

Wailing filled the corridor of the ambulance bay where the bus was waiting to take the seven of us to the airport. She was fed and burped with a clean new diaper, and we had probably given Bailey too many bottles of breastmilk given how she ate. Better to have way too much than not enough. But Quinn didn't care how prepared Bailey was to take care of her for a night. Every time I tried to pass her over to the older woman, it just resulted in another round of screaming. She wouldn't even go to Jackson. Leaving my arms seemed to be the end of the world for her. With the agonizing sound of her crying, letting go of her was starting to sound like the end of the world for me, too.

"It's okay, baby girl. It's okay." I tried to soothe her, holding her snuggly and bouncing at my knees. The more I had to do this, the more that I wanted to cry. Maybe she could sense that. "It's barely over twenty-four hours. It'll be okay. I promise."

Words don't convince the inconsolable baby. She continued to cry like she was in pain.

"April..." Jackson sighed out gently, his hand on my upper back and rubbing it gently. "You have to let go. It's just a day and you don't want to deal with the rest of them harassing you about missing our flight."

Well, he was right about that. Peer pressure was powerful.

"Okay." I placed a long kiss on our daughter's forehead and took a deep breath to try and keep myself calm. "It's just a day, Queenie. Just one. Bailey is the best. I promise. You're not going to want to leave her once we're back. It'll be so good." I tried to convince her as I passed her into one of my mentor's waiting arms.

"Quinn and I will be fine, April." Bailey rarely used my first name but she seemed to soften instantly upon holding our little one. "Oh, yes we will."

"Come on, berry." Jackson eased me toward the bus. "Let's go."

With one last longing look at my daughter, I get on the bus behind my husband.

The bus ride to the airport isn't a particularly long one with everyone chattering back and forth. I hadn't been around all of us as a group since before Quinn was born and I feel a little out of place, falling into the background among them. It seemed like Jackson had taken over my duties as chief resident while I had been on maternity leave. I hoped it was because he had earned it and just because it was assumed that he would as my husband.

The flight from Seattle to San Francisco felt impossibly long, even if I knew that it was barely over two hours. There was barely time for the flight attendants to make their way up and down the aisles to take drink orders and it feels familiar that Meredith and Cristina would both order an overpriced drink even on such a short flight. A glass of wine sounded tempting but I knew that by the time we were on the ground again, I would have to pump – I might not even make it back to the hotel in order to do some with a little more privacy than just an airport bathroom. For almost the entire flight, my left legged bounced up and down, rubbing against the side of the airplane in my window seat.

It was much quicker to get from the airport in San Francisco to the hotel that we were staying at, currently flooded with hundreds or thousands of surgical residents in the last years that were determined to make a name for themselves. But twenty percent of the people here were likely to fail. And it was all too possible that would include one of us.

Given that I hadn't been actively working the last three months, all signs pointed toward me.

"Oh, no no no…" The mumbling under my breath doesn't take long to begin.

Panic attacks were something that I was familiar with over the course of my life. The utter, complete sense of dread that took over any and all forms of logic, the tightness in my chest that made every beat of my heart feel impossibly large like it might explode out of my chest cavity at any given moment. The shaking that I couldn't stop, the burning of tears in my eyes and frog in my throat no matter how I tried to hide it from the public. It was right there, lingering on the surface.

"April?" Izzie's soft voice isn't enough to reign in the panic seated on the edge, but it does at least give a momentary distraction from the worst of it.

Despite it, I can't bring myself to offer her any kind of verbal answer.

"Hey," she started again softly. "Whatever you're feeling right now, it's okay. Today's a huge day. We're all nervous. Some of us are just better at dealing with it than others. Or some of us just use alcohol to hide it. Either way, we all feel the same way deep down. Even Alex and Cristina."

"That's hard to believe." Especially Cristina. She was the smartest of all of us.

"Yeah, it is," she gave a soft laugh and nod of her head. "Yet somehow, it's still the truth. It's the biggest day of our lives for all of us tomorrow. Well, sort of. I guess nothing's as big as having your baby girl."

"Yeah." Whom I missed more than anything. There was a part of me that wanted nothing more than to get the quickest flight back home and spend the night with her, even knowing the huge importance of everything that would be done tomorrow. I had my career to solidify, for her. But I still wanted to be with her.

A beat passed before the blonde addressed me again. "Can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"I have a daughter." There was a pregnant pause after the clear statement is made. "When I was really young, in high school. I was stupid and I got pregnant. I gave her up because I knew that there was no way I could be the kind of parent that she deserved to have. I guess I'm a sap, but it makes me really happy to see you and Jackson doing what you're doing. Especially him. I know you knew him when he was young, but he was kind of a mess when he first started here." A light-hearted laugh left her lips.

"I believe that," I chuckled, a smile finally managing to break across my cheeks. My chest was still impossibly tight but the tears aren't there in the same way. "You're a really good mom, Izzie. To her and to whatever future babies may come your way. For now, you're a really great aunt."

"I am happy to be a great aunt to your little cutie." Izzie leaned toward me, wrapping her arms around my shoulder and giving me half of a hug. "And thank you."

Jackson and I get to share a room unlike any of the other residents since we were married, which was a relief. There was no way that I would have been able to fall asleep without him. It's hard enough to fall asleep without Quinn in the same building as me. Pumping isn't the same as feeding her myself because I don't get to hold her in my arms and burp her, sing her to sleep and watch that goofy little face that she always made whenever she fell asleep. Even though most of the time when she was awake now, her tongue is in her mouth, it always made its way back out as she slept.

As if tomorrow wasn't one of the most important days of our lives, there was the familiar snoring behind my ear that indicated Jackson was out like a light in no time. It seemed like he didn't mind having a peaceful night of sleep.

Despite the fact that there was all the stress in the world, the boards don't go as bad as I expect.

By the time that we were on the plane ride home to San Francisco, none of us know our results. I'd come out of the room sweaty with nerves and breasts just beginning to leak from their fullness, launching myself into the bathroom to take care of myself and catching Reed on the other end of throwing up before forcing herself back into her own exam room. I wasn't the only one who had been a complete mess. Yet I pass out on the short plane ride home without any kind of certainty, finally able to will myself to sleep.

The rough landing wakes me back up. All seven of us take the bus straight to the hospital again. There's a constant checking of phones, but I can't bring myself to do so. Once one of us got our results, it was likely that all of us would – I could check it then. Right now, the only thing that I wanted to do was see my precious little girl.

Jackson was on my heels as I made my way to the daycare where Bailey had texted me that she had dropped her off this morning without too many crying complications. That seemed like a good thing to me. When I get there, one of the workers was holding and burping her.

"Hi, my sweet little angel!" I cooed as I reached out for her.

The daycare worker doesn't hesitate to hand her over to me with a soft smile.

Breathing in that sweet scent, I hold her firmly against my chest and kiss the top of her head as I snuggled her against my chest, swaying side to side. She spits up on my shoulder and hair, and I couldn't have cared less about it. One night without her at this age was one night too many. There was no way that I was going to be able to do anything like that again any time soon. The first time had been hard enough and I couldn't imagine that the second would be any easier – I didn't care what exposure therapy said.

"Oh, Momma missed you so much," I sing to her with a relaxed smile taking over my features. "Did you miss me? Because I missed you so much, Queenie. You're my little girl."

"How was she?" Jackson asked the daycare worker, his hand finding the back of my shoulder and thumb rubbing circles.

"I think that she did good," Angela replied with a smile. "We did have a bit of a hard time getting her to feed earlier, but she came around to it eventually, as you can probably see now. It took her a bit to begin to warm up to us."

"Sounds about right," he commented with a nod of his head and glance over at the two of us. "We'll have to thank Bailey again."

"Of course," I agreed quickly. "We couldn't have done this without her."

It wouldn't be hard to find Dr. Bailey or any of the other attendings. Even though a huge portion of this day was about us and our hopeful success, it was also a reflection on them. The best programs had successful interns and this was still supposed to be one of the best programs in the country, even after the merger had initially knocked it down a few pegs. Our success looked good on them in the same way that it did well for us. They just didn't have to pen their entire career on today as we did.

I hoped that Dr. Hunt would be proud of me.

Trauma surgery was still a great love of mine, even if I had gotten the other important love of my life lined up with Jackson and Quinn. Passing the boards would just mean that I had finally gotten every single thing that I had wanted, that I had checked off all of the goals that I had for myself since I was a little girl. In a way, I would be complete.

Opting to carry Quinn on my hip and keeping her sleepy head resting on my shoulder as the two of us made our way through the hospital hallway, we catch Dr. Bailey and Dr. Webber talking to each other.

"One of them failed." Dr. Webber told her gravely.

"What?" She questioned sharply. "Who?"

"We don't know yet." He answered.

I stopped in my place with wide eyes. _Oh god_. I had known that it was a real possibility that one of us was going to fail, but that felt like some kind of huge confirmation that it was going to be me. Who else could it have possibly been? Even if everyone had really been nervous ahead of time, there had been no one after having a mental breakdown on the plane or in tears. Everyone had seemed relieved that it was over and excited for the results, not terrified.

"Jackson–" I barely got the chance to dress him before Dr. Bailey noticed the two of us were there.

"Avery. Avery." Bailey addressed both of us, softening just a bit upon seeing our daughter. "And my now preferred Avery. What are the two of you doing here?"

"We just wanted to thank you again, for watching her last night," I spoke up quickly and forced a smile on my face, not wanting to make it obvious that I had overheard what they were saying. It probably wasn't meant to be public information. There was no way that it was. Yet I wasn't going to be able to keep my mouth shut about it, I knew that too. "It means a lot."

"Of course." A genuine smile stretched across her features. "I'm happy to help."

"We've really got to get going though, right, Jackson?" I looked up at him with wide eyes.

"Yeah.." There's a hint of confusion in his voice that I hoped she wouldn't pick up on it. If she does, she doesn't say anything about it. "Thank you again, Dr. Bailey."

Rushing my feet down the hallway as quickly as I can get them to go, I give a few paranoid glances back over my shoulder to make sure that there was an appropriately large amount of difference between us and two of our bosses. I couldn't believe what I had heard. It made perfect, logical sense given everything that we knew about the odds and that we had seven surgical residents flown down there to take it. Yet hearing the words confirmed by Dr. Webber… there was something utterly chilling about really knowing that.

"Did you hear what he said?" I finally snipped out to him with wide eyes. "Someone failed!"

"Yeah, I heard," Jackson replied grimly, a tight sigh escaping him. He continued to walk and I blinked in surprise for a moment before moving my feet to catch up with him.

"Someone failed, Jackson!" I repeated myself as if he hadn't heard it from Webber or myself.

"I know." He was eerily calm.

"Why are you so relaxed about this?" My brows furrowed and I secured my hand on Quinn's back. "It's probably me. I'm the only one here who could have failed. I can't believe it. They even offered me a job, they were so kind and they believed in me so much and I just went and let them down. I am the reason that people stereotype against mothers with babies because I could not keep my crap together. I am a disappointment. To them and to women all across the world. I can't believe it." Hysterics slip through my lips before I have a chance to even begin to think about it, tears burning in my eyes.

This time, he does stop walking in the middle of the hallway, turning to face me and holding me with both hands.

"April. April. Take a breath, okay? He said someone failed. He did not say that you failed. In case you've forgotten, there are six other options on the table here." He rationalized.

"But those six other options haven't spent the last three months at home raising a baby. They have all spent the last three months working at the hospital and getting all of the cool cases to beef up their repertoire and make sure that they are prepared for any question thrown their way." I shook my head, looking up to try and keep the tears from falling. "I failed, Jackson."

"Don't say that until you know the truth." He squeezed my shoulders. "It could have just as easily been any one of us. I refuse to believe that it's you. We've got our lives together now, remember? We've done it all. We got married, we had an awesome kid. Now we're killing our boards. We've got the entire rest of our lives right here, right now. There's nothing that's going to change that. I promise."

Every piece of me was desperate to believe his words were the truth. I didn't want to fail.

"Fine." I took a deep breath, rubbing Quinn's back as if it would calm me down. Truthfully, I just didn't want her to sense the way that I was feeling and end up wailing in the middle of the hospital hallway. That would have been the thing to push me past my breaking point. "I won't say anything about it until we know."

Except for the moment that we reach our group of friends, I blurt out exactly what Webber had said.

But I try to keep true to the core of what I had told him. I don't allow myself to participate in the conversation that bounced back and forth between Cristina, Meredith, Alex, Izzie, and Reed. The way that they were talking made it very clear that they all thought it had to be me, too, even if none of them want to say it while I'm holding my sleeping daughter in my arms.

Quinn was currently the only thing managing to keep me calm. she had to stay happy and sleepy, and I had read all about how your baby was intuitive with your mood. There were still nerves eating me alive every moment, but I keep my face as a deadpan to prevent them from overflowing. I can't tune out everything that was being said in front of me, but I can prevent myself from contributing. That was about all that I could do now.

"Hey, I got the email!" Cristina announced after one of many refreshes on her phone, only a second plains before she enthusiastically announced her own results. "I passed!"

"Me too!" Meredith replied a moment later, high-fiving Cristina.

Giving a brief glance up at Jackson, he was already looking through his email as I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and unlocked it, seeing the red notification that was waiting for me. I watched the huge smile break across Jackson's face at the same time that Alex announced that he had passed the boards too. Forcing my gaze down on my phone, I tapped on the email that held my fate.

"I…" I could barely get the words out. "I passed!" I squealed, barely able to contain my excitement.

With wide eyes, I looked up at the group, quickly trying to figure out where the oddball was.

"I failed." Reed was the one to announce it.

For a long, selfish moment, I was glad that it wasn't Izzie or me.


	16. Chapter 16

**_ JACKSON _ **

I do my best to not complain about my own lack of sleep.

Laying in bed at night, there was one of two things that could wake me up at any given moment. One was fairly predictable – the sound of our baby crying whether she's hungry or in need of a dirty diaper or merely just woke up alone. Most of the time, April has to get up whether it's her first choice or whether it's because she doesn't want to have to use the bottle. With her starting back at work, it wasn't going to be much of an option and adjustments would have to be made, but it was something that she was stubborn about. I wondered if she would have been this stubborn with a different baby, or if it was specific to Quinn.

The other frequent alternative was the sound of my wife snoring loudly. It had started when she was a few months pregnant and I thought that it might go away after she had the baby, but three months later, and she still has that same ability to sound like a freight train. It wasn't nonstop but it came and went in a couple of loud doses.

Turning my head toward her, I can see the outline of her chest rising and falling in the darkness of our bedroom with each snore, just a little moonlight managing to stream in through the curtains that had been left half open. She looked peaceful, even with her mouth hanging wide open. She had gotten up less than half an hour ago to feed Quinn and fell right back asleep within seconds of laying down again. I don't know what it was, but there was something keeping me up.

Sliding out of the bed slowly as to not wake up April, I inhaled deeply through my nose and left her in the bedroom. The nursery door was cracked open from the last feeding still. I pushed it open, grateful for the greased hinges that make it open silently. The nightlight makes it easy to see our daughter even in the middle of the night and she was sleeping soundly. I stepped up to the edge of her crib, resting my hand on the side and looking down at her. Her tongue was sticking out as she slept, not snoring like either one of us did. Part of me wanted to pick her up, but I don't. I don't want to wake her up. She's fussy when she doesn't wake up on her own accord, and sometimes still fussy when she did. It was better to just leave her in her crib where she was peaceful.

"Hi, sweetheart," I murmured softly. "I love you."

There was no reason for me to stay there. I needed to get rest, too, especially with April going back to work. It was going to be more of a team effort than ever.

Never had I wanted to turn into my father with the threat of being absent and putting the burden of raising our child on April. I couldn't think of anything worse. I worried that the unexpectedness of the diagnosis, even in having months to prepare, had thrown me a step back with being the man and the father that I wanted to be. That Quinn deserved for me to be. I didn't want that for her, or for April. It wasn't fair to either one of them.

No matter how I try to push the thought away from my mind, it doesn't go away. Every time I look at our daughter, beautiful in her own distinct way, the question comes there. The doubt there made me feel unprepared to be a father. I couldn't have been more grateful for April, I didn't know what I would do without her.

But I knew it was unreasonable to depend entirely on her. Parenting was a two-person job, in our situation, at least. I'd picked up with taking care of the house and food so she didn't have to worry about much else beyond Quinn, and do typical diaper changes and dressing. It wasn't like I was a bad or neglectful father. I knew that I wasn't. But this was a challenge for me.

"Are you okay?"

I should have seen the question coming from a mile away.

"Yeah," I lied with a nod. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" April continued. "You're just making that face. That miles away face. You have been for a few days now and at first, I thought it was just the sleep deprivation, but now I'm not so sure…"

"What is there for me not to be fine about?" Lashing out isn't my intention but I don't correct myself.

"I don't know." Her voice raised. "But it just seems like there's something not right with you."

"Everything in our life is perfect." True enough, on the surface. We were married and happy, we had a daughter, we were now board-certified surgeons. "What is there for me to possibly be bothered by?"

"There could be something more. I don't know." She threw up her hands defensively. "I'm just asking. You don't have to act like there's something wrong with me asking."

"I'm just tired." I sighed out, running my hand over my face. "That's it."

"Okay." Her brows remained knitted together as she stared at me. "Coffee's almost ready. I need to finish my hair. Can you get Quinn ready to go to daycare?"

I nodded. "Sure."

It doesn't take long to get Quinn ready for daycare. She was likely to make a scene once she was actually being passed off to the daycare workers, but there was little to be done to try and prevent that. She was just a baby. She didn't like being held by many people outside of her parents, it had taken her a long time to get used to my mother. This was going to be a huge adjustment for all of us.

"Are you ready to do?" Two mugs of coffee were waiting on the countertop for us.

"Ready as can be." April smiled weakly. "I'm so glad to be back at work. Gimme my coffee."

The two of us head to work without discussing it. Maybe it was one of those things that a little time would make easier but I didn't have any real interest in discussing it. There was nothing that I could say to her that would make her feel better, or get her off my back, apparently. She was worried and she was set in being worried.

April was eager to get back to work. It seemed to push her past the little spat. She was nearly in a run to get back to the emergency room after months at home. It was my job to get Quinn settled into daycare.

"Come on, Queenie." I held her closely. "We can do this."

Daycare was the first floor of the hospital and a relatively short walk from the entrance. There were plenty of other workers coming to drop off their kids, most without a fuss. A couple of clingy toddlers here and there, clutching onto their parents' legs, with other kids running in and some asleep in their strollers. Quinn was already clutched onto my jacket as best that she could inside of her tiny hands.

"Hi, Dr. Avery." One of the daycare workers, Nico, greeted me. "This must be Quinn."

"Hey," I nodded at him, shifting my daughter. "I expect it's not going to be an easy day for her."

"First days rarely are," he empathized.

Looking at Quinn, I pressed a kiss into her forehead. I can't help but be relieved to pass her off, for a moment. We would get a normal day. No worrying about our daughter and her difficulties for just a few hours, able to focus on our job. She'd be just downstairs if anything did happen. April had wanted to try and get Catherine to watch her for the first day or two while we were both working, but she was here on a case of her own. Daycare had been the best and only option.

"Time to go." I stepped toward Nico to hand her over to him. "You'll be alright. Promise."

The second that I place her down in Nico's arms, she begins to cry. Her arms stretch out haphazardly as she tried to reach for me, looking at me with wide eyes. Guilt slapped me hard. How could I ever be grateful to pass her on to a daycare waker when she wanted me so desperately? I was terrible.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered and nuzzled my nose against hers. "But you're going to be okay. A couple of hours and Mommy and Daddy will be back to get you."

"She'll be alright," Nico said as he took her. "She just needs some time to adjust."

I watched him take my daughter inside of the daycare and stood in the hallway for a moment, letting out a heavy sigh. This was for the best. She would have to be able to go to daycare at one point or another. April and I wanted to keep working. We had done research – there were plenty of parents that continued to work even while meeting the extra demands that a child with Down Syndrome had.

But it doesn't feel that way right now.

Sighing, I turn on my head and made my way down to the elevator. I can't stand outside of the daycare and lurk. If she saw me standing there, it would only make things worse. And I still had a day full of work to get my way through. Now that I was a fellow here, I had more work to do independently than I had as a resident.

The second surgery in a facial reconstruction that I was working on was scheduled for today. Mark and I had started the first surgery together and he had passed on the rest of it to me as a present for passing the boards. There had been no real doubt about me getting a job here at Seattle Grace Mercy West, or passing my boards. Honestly, I hadn't doubted April either, even though she had. She had spent every conscious processing moments preparing for the boards even if she hadn't been inside of an operating room.

Jonah, the nurse currently sitting at the station, handed me the chart that I needed without asking. I already knew pretty much everything that was on it. This case had been in my head for a while now.

"Both of the Averys back at work, huh?" Mark came up behind me, clapping my shoulder. "Big day."

"Yeah," I huffed out.

"Thought you'd be a little more cheery about it," he remarked.

"I'm happy." I forced a smile, glancing back at him. "I just took Quinn to daycare and she wasn't particularly happy about having to go, that's all. It's going to be a hard adjustment. How are things with you and Lexie?" Hopefully, it'd distract him enough.

He chuckled. "Really well. I think I might propose soon." He beamed with a toothy smile. "I'm sure that you guys are going to get it all figured out soon. You always do."

"Hopefully."

"Seems like there's some kind of tension going on there…" he said slowly, eyeing me.

"There's not." I shook my head.

"You're a pretty terrible liar, has anyone ever told you that?" Even if the concern there was serious, Mark gave a laugh that lightened the gravity of his words. "I can tell that there's something more going on there, Avery. You've got it written all over your face even if you don't want to say it." Now, he was starting to sound just like April had this morning.

My lips tightened. "I don't know what you're going on about," I sighed out and ran my hand over the back of my head. "There's nothing going on. Just tired. Once you have kids, you'll understand."

"This is something different," he pointed out with a raise of his brows. "I can see it."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. "It's just simple exhaustion. There's nothing more complicated than that."

"Alright. Jackson, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I've been thinking it for a long time. You've been just a little bit different ever since you and April got the news about your girl having Down Syndrome. You just have. I haven't wanted to say anything but I think it's been long enough that it's about time that someone does." That was unexpected. I wasn't even sure if it was honesty or just… something else.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I barked. "I love my daughter more than anything. The diagnosis didn't change that."

"I'm not doubting that." He threw his hands up defensively. "That's not what I'm getting at."

"Then what are you getting at?"

"It seems like you're maybe not bonding with her in the way you should." He shrugged his shoulders. "You're doing everything that you can to take care of her and to make sure that she and April have everything they need, but are you really being there?" He asked.

An annoyed breath escaped, my jaw clenching. "Of course I am, Mark. You're not in my house. Just because I've been working doesn't mean that I'm not spending time with my daughter. I have a patient to get to."

"I'm just sayin', man…"

Walking away without saying another word for him, I make my way the patient's room so I can check in on him myself. I want to make sure that everything was going to go perfect and prove myself. This was my first facial reconstruction all on my own, now that Mark was out of the picture for this case. I had to make sure that it was going to go smoothly.

The surgery itself takes hours.

With the bright lights of the operating room making sure that I can see absolutely every detail of what I'm doing, repairing the face to the most normal aesthetic possible from the damage that had been done in the patient's initial accident, I operate. I'm assisted by an intern, Ross, though there's not much for him to really do in such an important surgery like this one. I have to make sure that all of it is perfect. There was no room for any error or mishap that might happen from inexperience.

But after spending a massive amount of time in the sterile environment, the surgery is complete. There are no complications, much to my relief, so as long as he healed correctly, he should be fine to move forward with the surgeries that remained in the process. A few months and he would be back on the table again.

Scrubbing my hands as the nurses and Ross moved him away to be taken to one o the post-op rooms, I take my time. I don't particularly want to have another conversation with Sloan at the moment, even if the surgery had been a success. There was just a little bit of safety in hiding out in here but I know that I can't do it for long. There's still a little bit of time left in my workday, even if that surgery had been long enough to take up most of it.

Of course, that didn't mean I was any more prepared to see my mother now.

Exiting the scrub room, I immediately spotted her shorter form down the hallway in her own pair of navy blue scrubs and making her way toward me. She must have just finished up with her own surgery from the day. I didn't manage to hold back the sigh.

"Jackson!" Mom exclaimed, clasping her hands together. "There you are."

"Hi Mom," I smiled.

"I was hoping to see little Queenie with you." There was the smile I expected from her. "Oh, well. I'm sure that she must be having a great time sleeping down in daycare."

"Hopefully," I nodded. "She didn't have a great time going there this morning."

Uneasiness quelled in my stomach and I clenched my jaw to make sure that it just stayed there. I knew it was the guilt again about leaving here there. I could have rescheduled my surgery. I could have made her transition a little easier and take a day off to be with my daughter instead of throwing her straight into the daycare.

"You were not an easy baby to get to go to daycare," Mom started. "There was a reason that I had to hire a nanny for you because you hated being brought to work with me and then saying goodbye. It was easier to just leave you at home with a nanny during the day."

"Really?" I questioned.

"Mmhm," she nodded her head. "You were a difficult baby. I've learned a thing or two about raising them."

"Is that why Dad left?" The question escaped before I could process that I even asked it.

"What?" Her eyes widened. "No. Jackson, sweetheart, I know I've told you this story before and that has nothing to do with it. He left because he could not handle being an Avery. It had nothing to do with you, baby. As difficult as you were, that had nothing to do with any of it."

I glanced away, chewing at the inside of my cheek. "Alright." It had been a long shot, anyway. Her story had always made sense. Being an Avery wasn't an easy task.

"There's something on your mind."

For the first time, the word being thrown at me doesn't annoy me like it had the other times. I could feel this time that she was right. That something did have to do with my father. The question hadn't come entirely out of nowhere. I'd never been able to get over my fear that I might one day end up just like him.

"Yeah, I guess there is." My shoulders shrugged and I slipped my hands into the pockets of my lab coat. "Things are different now than they were before. Being a father."

"It's hard for you." She murmured sympathetically. "You don't have one to look up to."

I nodded. "April's done so much for her, and I just…" I wet my lips, not wanting to open up too much. We were still at my workplace. "I don't want to end up like him, that's all. Letting her do all the work just because things aren't what I expected them to be."

"Jackson Avery." It was like a sharp gasp. I'd heard her say my name like that so rarely in my life. "I can't believe I have to hear those words come out of your mouth. You are nothing like the man that your father was. That was not the way that I raised you to be and you are never going to be anything like him. I can guarantee you that much. You are a good man. I raised you to be nothing less. You're still adjusting, just like your daughter is. You learn just as much parenting as you could ever hope to teach your child."

"I want you to be right," I admitted and wet my lips. "I don't know. It's just this doubt in my mind. Then it seems like the more that I doubt all of it, the truer it is. I don't want to mess things up or mess her up so I put it off to April and I'm not as present as I should be."

"You love April. And you love little Quinn. You just need to get your head screwed on straight again, Jackson. You are not your father. You never have been and that's not going to start now." She reaffirmed. "You go get that girl from daycare and love on her, for the both of us."

She was right.

Mark, and anyone else whom might be affected, would be fine with me taking the rest of the day off and be more than understanding given the fact that it was April's first day back at work. Everyone had always been as accommodating as possible for both of us. Honestly, we couldn't have asked for anything more from the people that we worked with. We had gotten lucky in so many ways with all of them.

Daycare was not as busy as it had been when I had gone down there in the morning. It wasn't a shift change, of course. All of the kids are settled in. It's noisy between all of the toddlers and younger ones. It was a good thing they kept the babies in a separate room.

I stood outside of the daycare for a moment, peering through the clear windows. I knew that Quinn wasn't going to be out with the other kids given her age. I recognized Zola running around, a couple of the kids from the nurse's that worked on the burn unit floor. Tuck was there too, playing with some of the blocks at one of the tables. A few years and Quinn, hopefully, would be doing the same thing. It would be nice if we could keep her at the hospital daycare. A privilege, really. But she might need more attention than that. We wouldn't know until that time came.

A wave caught my attention. It was Nico from earlier, offering me a smile and waving me in.

Pushing open the door to the daycare, I lifted up my hand and gave him a small wave in return. I wasn't sure if he had some kind of sixth sense about parents having issues with everything going on, with everything that was going on, but I didn't want to talk to him about it. I was just glad that he didn't ask.

"She's sleeping." He informed me. "But you have good timing. It's just about time for a bottle."

"Thanks," I nodded at him.

He showed me where they held the bottles and I got one warmed for her. I wondered just how difficult all of this was going to make April's feedings, but I rarely got to hold her and feed her because of how adamant she had been about breastfeeding. Now was a rare opportunity.

"Hi, sweetheart." I cooed gently, using my empty hand to rub her stomach and wake her up gently. She stirred slowly, spitting up slightly as her eyes blinked awake. "It's Daddy."

A little cry escaped her, but it doesn't sound particularly upset. Scooping her up carefully, I held her against my chest.

"Hi there." I kept speaking to her. "I told you that I'd come back for you, didn't I?"

One arm curling around her back, I kept her against my chest and eased the tip of the bottle against her lips. She responded to it almost immediately, a little taste of milk on her lips before she took it properly. I let out a breath and made sure that my grip on her was secure without being too tight. Moving to sit down, I keep her cuddled against my chest as she drank from the bottle easily. I felt bad that she did it without any kind of struggle, knowing that April had spent a lot of time troubled with getting her to take a nipple.

Looking at her suck down the milk, suddenly no longer an ounce of sleepiness in her eyes, I can't help but see myself. She had my eyes, of course, that had been obvious since the day I was born. Her nose was wide like mine, too, tiny ears like her mom. But right now, she just looked like my little girl.

"You were hungry, huh?" My voice remained soft as I spoke to her. "I can tell."

It doesn't take her long to drain the bottle of breastmilk that April had stored and prepped for days like this. She was hungry. She had been growing a lot in the last few months, making up for the fact that she had come out a little small even though she had been fully cooked. Now, she was hardly behind the growth curve.

Maybe I had been too scared of her diagnosis.

What Mark had said, compiled with my fears, wasn't out of place entirely. I had been scared of it. Scared because I didn't understand. April had been so loving and accepting from the front, so blindly hopeful, and I had hit the opposite end of the spectrum – maybe together, it was balancing one another out, but in the moments alone, it was terrifying. But this was my daughter. There was nothing more to figure out. She was my little girl and even if I was filled with terror at all of the complications, nothing changed the simple fact that this was my baby girl.

Once she was finished with her bottle, I stayed where I was in the rocking chair and burped her. There was likely to be a diaper change in the near future, but maybe it could wait until we got home with April. She should have been showing up here any minute.

"Atta girl," I encouraged her and placed another kiss on top of her head. "We'll be home soon."

A few minutes of holding and rocking her passed before I heard my wife's voice. "Hey, you two."

"Hey," I said as I gave a small glance over my shoulder.

"I didn't think that I would find you down here," she started. "Figured you would be waiting for me out in the parking lot." I'm not entirely sure what she meant by that, if it was some kind of reference the tension from this morning or something else.

"Just needed to come down here." Explaining here would be too difficult. "Ready to go home?"

"Yeah."

April took Quinn from me and I stood up, wrapping my arms around her shoulders as we headed out of the daycare. She seemed surprised by the sudden display of affection and I can't help but cringe with guilt. I'd screwed up this morning – but it'd been longer than that, really. This morning had just been the first time that she had confronted me directly about how I had been pulling away from everything. That wasn't her fault. It was mine.

Even with a bit of rush hour traffic to combat against, it doesn't take us long to get to our home. I pull into the driveway and park, helping get Quinn out of her car seat. She cried the same that she had this morning as if she was worried we were dropping her off again.

"Come here, Queenie," April cooed to our daughter, swaying from side to side as she held her tight in her chest. I just watched her for a moment, smiling. She was a natural. "You're my tired girl, aren't you?"

"Do you want to put her down for a nap?" I suggested. "Then maybe we can talk."

"Sure," she agreed with a nod.

While April went into the nursery to try and get Quinn down for another nap, I went into the kitchen. It was falling back on an old habit, but this time, it was just for the sake of keeping busy. I'd put some meat in the fridge to thaw yesterday to make burgers tonight, grabbing it and setting it out on the counter. It wouldn't take long to make. Beginning to prep the rest of what I needed and grabbing the sweet potato fries from the freezer, I tried not to get restless waiting for her. I knew our girl wasn't always easy to get down, no matter how tired she was.

Content to just pan fry the meat, I turn on the stove and get started. It was taking a bit of time for her to get Quinn down, longer than usual, but that was likely because of how we had disrupted her day by going to daycare. It would just be the first of many days. Hopefully, it wouldn't be quite so dramatic in a few days or weeks.

A flash of red hair caught my eye and I lifted my head up with a smile, flipping both burgers in the pan as the pink slowly began to turn to a healthy brown. "What kind of cheese do you want?"

"Pepperjack," she answered.

I slapped down a slice of pepper jack on her patty and my own. "Can we talk now?"

"Sure." There was an ounce of skepticism in her voice.

"I'm sorry about this morning." The apology was the first thing. "You're just… trying to help and I get that, I do. I was being an ass."

"I forgive you." April doesn't hesitate to give me that.

"I guess I've been going through something that… I haven't really been ready to admit to myself so I didn't want to open up about it to you or anyone else. I don't know. My mom kind of forced me into looking at a few things today." I chewed at my bottom lip, moving to check on the sweet potato fries baking in the oven. "I don't know. It's a lot to put into words but I don't want to push you out. I think I've been so worried about becoming my father that I've gotten inside of my head and pushed…. myself into the possibility even if it's not really there." That was the best that I could do to try and explain it. "I don't know if I'm making any sense."

"You're making plenty of sense, Jackson." She gravitated toward me and her arms slipped around my waist, hugging my backside and pressing into me. "Becoming a parent is a huge thing and it makes you reevaluate anything. But you're still here. You do so much for me and Quinn, even if it's not breastfeeding her, you know? You make sure that the house is still functioning and running every day. I definitely haven't been the one doing that."

My eyes shut a moment, letting out a content sigh. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me." I could feel her head shake against my back. "We all need a reminder sometimes."

"You know I love you more than anything in the world, right?" I can't twist around to kiss her like I want to. "Because I do. There's not a thing that I wouldn't do for you, April Kepner Avery."

"I know." I could hear her smile as she stepped back. "I'm kind of depending on that, actually."

"Oh?" Pressing down the cheeseburgers once more to make sure they're cooked, I scooped them off of the pan and placed them down on the plate I had set aside for them. I put the buns on for just a moment to warm them. "It sounds like you've already got something up your sleeve."

Her tongue clucked. "I do."

"Uh-huh?" I questioned a moment, finishing up our dinner before I turned to face her and handed her a plate. "What exactly is it that you have up your sleeve then?"

"I…" She was nervous. I could hear it in the pause between her words. "I kind of want to see my mom again. Talk to her. I don't know. I'm not… worried about turning into her like you are with your father because after what she put me through, what she put us through, I would die before I let myself turn into her. But she wanted to meet the baby. And I think that I want some kind of closure."

Huh.

"You want to let your mom come here?" I questioned as we made our plates, glancing at her for confirmation. I knew that there was nothing that her mom had left to hold over us, but I didn't want her coming around only to upset April further. She was happy now. "Are you sure?"

"I've been thinking about it a lot." She admitted. "I… I have never gotten to forgive her for what she did to me. I don't think that she needs it or wants it, but I think that I need t do it. Face to face. It's not the kind of thing that I can just do over the phone."

"If it's what you want." I wouldn't deny her that. "Then we can do it."

"Are you sure?" April questioned as she sat down at the table. I sat down across from her.

"I am, strawberry." I gave her a smile, pressing down on my burger and flattening it slightly. "If this is something that you feel like you need to do, then I support that. It's your mom. So it's your decision. I'm just here to support you. We can bring her here whenever you want. Just let me know when, and I can take care of all the arrangements."

"Thank you."

We sat down and ate our dinner without any kind of interruption from our girl or anything else. It felt nice to have that conversation out of the way, the explanation that I owed her out in the air. Even if it wasn't something that was easy to put into words, it felt nice to have it out of my system. The discussion of her mother was unexpected, but it was good of her to forgive him. She was a bigger person than I was. I would never be able to forgive Karen for everything that she had done to us, the way that she had nearly ruined our lives and kept us apart forever, nothing more than a trick of fate spinning us back together again. But she wasn't my mother. Somehow, mine was the better one in the situation. I didn't have to forgive her in the same way.

Laying down in bed together that night, both of my arms were around her and kept her close against me. I can smell the fresh fruit of her shampoo from her shower, hair still wet and cool pressed into my shoulder. She was sweet in every way, as always. I pressed a kiss on top of her head.

"I love you," April murmured as she snuggled up against me and I rubbed her back.

"I love you too."


	17. Chapter 17

**_ APRIL _ **

"I can't believe that I'm really doing this."

I had spent ten years avoiding it. Maybe this was some kind of proof that it had been inevitable all along, the need to forgive her and really move on. It felt like the only part of my life that had never been shut and completed. Maybe it was just because I was a mother now and I needed this, some kind of coming around full circle. It's hard to figure out why exactly, after all of these years, I'm suddenly ready to confront her. It wasn't like I hadn't seen her – I had. That was just a part of life, particularly when I had been in college, that I couldn't avoid. But we had never really talked about it. It had just been easier not to.

_"You can't do this to me!" I screamed at my mother._

_"I'm your mother, I can and a will."_

Senior prom had been lonely. Standing there in a simple and conservative dress, barely knowing the people around me that had grown up with one another since they were all in kindergarten, I was the outsider. But it was no movie moment. No one came to rescue from my solitude or gave me the chance to fit in with the rest of them for just one night. I was utterly alone and far too aware of it. Everyone else danced the night away and I went home to my uncle's house before it ended, well aware that I would have to be up early to help him with the farm work. I wouldn't get to sleep in and bask in the memories from the night before. Like so many other things from senior year, I would just want to erase it from my mind.

It hadn't been as lonely as the first night I had spent there, staring at plain off-white walls and laying in an uncomfortable bed, all my belongings still in the bags packed around me. It took a week to unpack and it had only come when Uncle Bill had pitched a yelling fit.

Nearly, it had looked like the couple of nights that I had spent in the mental health facility after the nervous breakdown I'd had. The nights were so close together, they almost blur – white walls, the last place that I wanted to be. Missing Jackson, missing my sisters, wanting nothing more than for things to go back to the way that they had always been. I'd been torn between wanting to be on my knees, begging for my mother's forgiveness, and screaming in her face about her outdated beliefs that had no place in my life.

_"Please, please, Mama! Don't do this! I'm still your little girl."_

_No amount of crying and begging would convince my mother, nearly dragging me by my ear out of the house and into the truck. Tear stains and snotty sobs meant nothing to her._

Now I was finally finding the middle ground.

Fixing the little laces on Quinn's shoes, I took a deep breath and adjusted her outfit before adjusting my own. Jackson had arranged a car to pick her up from the would save some awkwardness, maybe. It was hard to know. I couldn't imagine that any of this was going to be easy or simple. But I didn't know how she felt anymore.

There hasn't been a gap in my life without her. During my early formative years, she had been fine. And Catherine had been there for so much of my life, one way or another, that she felt like a mother to me in many ways. Now, well, she was my mother-in-law. Even though sometimes we didn't always get along perfectly, and we weren't always on the same page, I loved and respected her more than I did my own mother. That was something to be grateful for.

"I can hear you stressing over here," Jackson called out.

"Sorry." It wasn't like I could be quiet about it.

"Don't apologize," he replied quickly. "Just tell me what you're thinking. I'll try to help."

"It hasn't changed since last night. Or last week." I'd spent more than my fair share of time ranting away about everything I felt. I knew that he didn't forgive her. He wasn't subtle. "I'm just hoping that… all of this is going to get out of my system today."

"You will," Catherine spoke up. She was going to take Quinn to the park for a little while once my mother was here. If things didn't go well, I didn't want Mom to meet my daughter. I was holding it over her. "You're not the one in the wrong."

"I know." Perhaps the only thing I was certain of. Picking up Quinn, I walked her over to her carrier. "Thank you for doing this for us, Catherine. It's at least taking one thing off my mind."

She placed her hand on my shoulder. "Of course," she smiled. "Besides, you know that I would do anything if it means getting a little extra time with my sweet Queenie. And she loves her grandma, doesn't she?" Her fingers tickled my daughter's belly, causing high-pitched giggles.

"Thanks, Mom," Jackson stepped over, kissing his mother on the cheek. "Karen will be here any minute."

"Then we should get going." She replied.

"Bye-bye, sweetie." I bent down and placed a noisy kiss on Quinn's forehead, smiling at her and brushing our noses together. Part of me wanted her to stay so that I could hold her and hope she would keep me calm, but it wasn't for the best. Especially if there was going to be tension in the room. She was too empathic to not notice. "Have fun with grandma. Be good."

"We'll be fine," Catherine reassured me. Jackson picked up our daughter's carrier to help his mom into the car. I stood in the living room, watching them through the window until they were gone.

The front door open and shut as my husband came back into the house but I stood there for a moment longer. Soon, a car would pull up with my mother and presumably a bag of clothes for the three days that she was supposed to be here in Seattle. If she made it that long. I knew that Jackson had reserved a ticket for flying back out tonight, just in case. He hadn't told me about it – he'd left the page pulled up on the computer and I had just seen it. He meant well. He was preparing for every situation, just like I would have.

"You're going to be fine," Jackson reassured me, stepping up behind me and squeezing my shoulders gently. "I promise. We are going to get through this together."

"Thank you," I whispered.

Without anything to focus on, the only thing that I can do is stare out the front window. But I don't have to wait for long. A few minutes pass before a black car rolls to a stop on the street out in front of me. I freeze as the door opens and an older version of the mother that I remembered stepped out of the car, the driver getting out to help her with her suitcase.

"She's here," I announced.

Neither one of us rushed out to greet her. We waited until she was about halfway up to the door before Jackson moved to get the front door open, stepping out to help her with her suitcase. She doesn't back off or recoil from him as she might have in my worst dreams. Instead, she gave him a smile that I didn't believe. It was going to be hard to believe anything genuine from her unless she offered some kind of apology to match the forgiveness I needed to give her.

"Hi, Mom." I greeted her, hands folding stiffly in front of my stomach.

"Hi, Duckie." Some things hadn't changed, apparently. "Where's little Quinn?"

"She's with her grandmother." Even though my answer was factual, there was something coded there. The fact that my daughter did have a grandmother and it wasn't my mother.

"Can I get you something to drink?" Jackson questioned, cutting through some of the tension.

"A glass of water would be good, thank you."

Mom set her purse down on top of her suitcase and stepped into the living room, looking around. My eyes bore holes into her as I stared at her. I'd prepared so many things to say to her and yet my mouth was bone dry, unable to produce so much as a sentence from the speeches and speeches that I had prepared. So many had been prepared and I had even settled on one, yet it stays silent.

My mouth opened and no sound came out. Shutting it and sucking in a deep breath through my nose, I sat on the end of the couch, pressing my palms on top of my thighs.

"Here you go," Jackson said as he returned with a glass of water, setting out a coaster for her.

"Thank you, Jackson," she addressed him. "You both look well."

"We're doing really well." He spoke for both of us, glancing at me and I gave a small nod of my head. "We have really good jobs at the hospital together and there's a daycare there. Quinn's still adjusting to it, but she seems to be doing well there too. We're very happy."

"We are." So much more that I want to say and yet that was all that came out.

"I'm happy for you." _Is that why you sent me away?_ "You really seem to have everything coming together now." My mother continued to speak, a polite smile resting on her features.

Jackson glanced at me with his brows drawn together. "We do."

"I'm glad that you were able to come out today, Mom." I finally managed to get more than a few words out of my mouth, but the tension doesn't leave my tight shoulders. "I've… I've wanted to be able to sit down and talk with you for a while now. It seems important now more than ever that I'm a mother." I began.

"You know that I'm always available to you, sweetheart." Her voice was so sweet that if history didn't point in so many other directions, I easily could have believed what she was saying. She'd always nailed the part of a sweet housewife.

"Right." I wouldn't say anything about that.

"Karen, I think there's something that April has been wanting to say to you." Jackson eased me in gently.

"Yeah," I breathed out with a nod. "I've been thinking a lot about everything in my life since I have Quinn. It's made me reevaluate everything, especially… how I was raised and all of the things that happened. Being a mother, wanting to do better for her. I know that I was lucky in a lot of ways. I understand that. And there's a lot that I have to thank you for. You always made sure that we had clean clothes and food on the table. But I think that somewhere in your mind, you know that what you did to me and to Jackson senior year just… wasn't right. I think that you have to know that."

Before I can get any further, my mother spoke up. "Everything I ever did was just for the best, sweetheart. That's all that I ever wanted to do for you and all of your sisters. I always had your very best interest in mind, even if you never saw it at the time. Maybe now that you're a mother, you'll be able to see it for yourself."

"I forgive you for what you did, Mom." Whether she thought that she needed it or not, I did. "You hurt me, very badly. But now that I'm a mom, I can't hold grudges against you or anyone else. So I forgive you."

"I don't think that I did anything that warrants forgiveness," she sat up straight.

"Maybe you're not hearing what April is trying to say." Jackson inserted himself. I caught his eye, giving a small shake of my head.

"It's… it's okay if you don't see what you did to me. I do. Jackson does. I have a family here and now that loves me and understands me in ways that… you just didn't. That's okay. I spent a lot of time thinking about all of it." Perhaps too much time. "I still forgive you, even if you don't think you need it."

Mom stared at me for a long moment. "Well, if that's what you think you need to say, then I accept it."

"Thank you."

Peace was the only thing that I could hope to gain from her at this point. Forgiving her was the best thing that I could do for me and my daughter. I had Jackson and Catherine, and so many other friends around me. Forgiving her was closing the door completely and making sure that my life going forward was going to be without any regrets or grudges.

"I'd still like the chance to meet my granddaughter if you'll let me," Mom spoke again, her gaze darting between us.

"My mom will be back with Quinn soon. She took her to the park for some fresh air." Jackson informed her.

"She's a little difficult with new people," I warned, trying to loosen up a little more.

"That's okay," Mom smiled. "You were too when you were a baby. I'm sure that it has nothing to do with the Down Syndrome." I can't help but cringe the way that she says it, something about it not quite sitting right with me, but I let it go. I've learned with her, I have to let go of a lot of things.

When Catherine returned with Quinn, things aren't as tense as I expect them to be. I thought that she and my mother might go at it for things that had happened so many years ago and I'm almost positive that it was Catherine who was the one keeping her head on straight to avoid that happening. It's hard to cause a scene when there was such a sweet baby in the room. No one wants to do something to make the baby cry.

Even if my own mother had not been great with her own children by the time that they had grown enough to have their own independent thoughts and feelings, she was still just as good with babies as I remembered her being. Even if Quinn wasn't entirely happy to go in her arms for the first few minutes, once she calmed down and got used to the fact that she was someone new, she calmed down significantly. She doesn't cry out, looking up at my mother and around the rest of the room with big, sea blue eyes. It was like she just wanted to know what the big deal was.

Maybe there wasn't one.

But it's the first night in what feels like a long time that I get a good amount of rest. It's not like Quinn sleeps through the night without interruption – she still wakes up. She's just a baby, after all, not an all-intuitive higher being that knows when her mother needs a break. But I was finally free of any kind of inner turmoil. I didn't know the last time that happened.

It makes it easy to get up in the morning before Jackson does, though that was typical. Pulling on a robe around my shoulders, I make my way to the nursery where Quinn was sleeping.

She was still sound asleep. I should have just let her lay there and not disturbed her – she'd been fed and burped a couple of hours ago, and her diaper didn't smell dirty just yet. Quinn looked utterly peaceful as she laid there, little lips spread apart and a bit of drool slipping out of her mouth. I reached down and wiped it off of her chin gently before I slipped my arms underneath her tiny frame and picked her up, cuddling her against my chest and inhaling deeply.

"Hi, sweet girl," I murmured and pressed a kiss on top of her head. "You still smell like last night's bath."

Ignoring that I should get up and get ready for the half day of work I had, taking off to spend a little bit of time with my mother and try to figure out where exactly we stood, I sit there and just hold her. She was still half asleep and didn't make a fuss in my arms. At that moment, she couldn't have been any more perfect for me.

Until she needed a diaper change, the two of us just sat there. Hopefully, she would keep up the calm mood for the few hours that she spent with my mother while Jackson and I were at work. That was more for her own sake than my mother's.

"Are you sure that you don't mind watching her for a few hours?" I asked my mother, nitpicking and adjusting the beanie on Quinn's head. "I'm sure that Owen wouldn't mind covering for me."

"Quinnie and I will be fine, April." Mom reassured me. "You go work."

"Queenie." I corrected her. "We call her Queenie."

By the time that the three days with my mother have come and gone and we've driven home from dropping her off at the airport, I'm not quite as exhausted as I thought I would be. It does take an emotional toll, but as much as it had taken, I felt like I had been given something at the same time. At the same time, I was grateful to put down Quinn for an afternoon nap so I had a few minutes to just catch up with myself and process everything before the rest of our lives resumed.

"How are you feeling?" Jackson asked as he sat down next to me on the couch, pressing a quick kiss against my temple.

"Alright," I smiled softly, lacing our fingers together.

His thumb brushed against the back of my knuckles. "I'm glad. So that was good for you?"

"I think so," I gave a small nod "I feel.. a little lighter. Like I've been able to let go of everything that happened because of what she did. Not forgotten, but… it just doesn't really feel like it's holding me down or holding me back, or anything like that." I explained.

"I'm happy for you." His other arm wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me in closer, hand rubbing against my arm gently. "You seem to be happy."

"I have you and Quinn." My head turned to look up at him. "How could I be anything else?"

Dipping down his head, his lips captured mine in a gentle kiss that I returned, making a content noise. "I love you so very much," I reminded him. reaching up to cup his face. My thumb stroked across the short stubble that was growing there, in need of a shave – but I don't mind. I like the little bit of texture there even if it's a little itchy in certain places.

"I love you more." Jackson gave the cliche response that still managed to make my heart skip a beat as I looked up at him.

"Not possible," I replied with a shake of my head.

"It is too." His nose brushed against mine and he gave a gentle chuckle. "It just happens to be the truth."

"We used to have this little argument when we were kids," I reminisced with a small smile on my face. Of course, then when we had used words such as like and love, it hadn't meant the same thing that it did. It hadn't been nearly as intense and all-consuming as my feelings for him were now. "And I always won it then." I reminded him, a little smirk curling onto my lips as I looked up at him.

"You've always been stubborn." He pointed out, his thumb brushing back some hair behind my ear. "Some things never change."

"You got lucky." I smiled at him. "You missed out on my Taylor Swift phase. You would have hated that." Even though we had been on the same page about so many things, music taste had never been one of them. It still wasn't.

"Oh, god," he laughed and clutched his chest. "Don't even."

" _Say you'll remember me, standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset babe…_ " I sang out. " _Red lips and rosy cheeks, say you'll see me again even if it's just in your wildest dreams._ "

"Eh, maybe it's not so bad when you're the one singing." Jackson smiled.

I pushed at him playfully. "That was very cheesy of you."

"See? Proof I love you more." He leaned forward for another kiss. "Otherwise, I could never be so cheesy."

"Dork." I smiled.

Life resumed to normal with my mother back home in Ohio, leaving the two of us to do our own thing.

Specialist appointment after appointment rolls around, as do the early invention therapy sessions that we start to take Quinn to every week. We played games nonstop in the hours that we don't work: doing sit ups and push ups on the yoga balls as a family, making texture books, smelling spices, playing in syrup and cheerios, and scooting her in a bucket around the house to teach her to balance. All of them came from the therapist – and in a weird way, I felt as if we had it easier than some parents. We had a wonderful therapist guiding us through week after week to help her reach all of those little milestones. A day shy of six months old, she even managed to roll over on her own.

Reaching six months with her feels amazing. Celebratory, even. It would be double that length of time before we could have a real party to celebrate the milestones, but it felt like we had already accomplished so much with her. Her motor skills were coming along and her strength was building up. She was everything that we could have asked for and more.

Work continued. Being a trauma surgeon attending at a level one trauma center was more intense than I could have ever imagined. Maybe a part of it was just from coming off of the extended maternity leave and being thrown in head first again, but I couldn't imagine that there was anything more rewarding than what I was doing. I was saving lives. I was stopping death. Every day, I was making a real and positive difference in people's life.

"Hey," Izzie breathed out with a bright smile. "It's busy down here today, isn't it?"

"Yeah," I nodded and gave a glance around. "I mean, it has been. It's taking a breather right now. Not all of the beds are full, so that seems like something good." I shrugged my shoulders. Busy was normal. "What are you doing down here?"

"Hunt paged me," she explained. "Paramedics are bringing in one of my patients. Complications from surgery, apparently. Makes me wish that I had them stay a day longer."

"I'm sure you did what was right," I commented with a concerned glance.

Izzie took a deep breath, her normal sunshine demeanor falling for a moment. "I hope so." She moved to grab a trauma gown and a pair of gloves, and I followed.

"Do you need an extra set of hands?" I asked.

"Hunt said that he was going to scrub in with me." She glanced over at me. "Makes me feel like I'm in trouble."

"I'm sure that you're not. He probably just wants to make sure that everything's okay." I reassured.

"Patient should be here any minute," Owen announced his own presence with the words, and I glanced up at him. He didn't seem angry or annoyed – and he had always been terrible at hiding how he felt. He must not have blamed her for anything. Insecurities ate away a lot. I knew Izzie was like me in that way. "You need something, Kepner?"

"No," I shook my head quickly. "Izzie was just telling me about her patient and I wanted to see if there was anything that I could do help."

"You can take over for me if you want." Without me even needing to say anything, Dr. Hunt began pulling off his blue gloves and taking a step back. "She just needs a second set of hands and I've got some paperwork that I need to catch up on."

I blinked in surprise. He hated paperwork. "Really?"

"Of course," he gave a prompt nod of his head. "Take over. I trust you."

Brightening my features as I looked between him and Owen, I gave him a little nod of my own to confirm that I would take over, bouncing over to grab my own trauma gown and a pair of gloves. As I returned to Izzie, I gave her a toothy smile. "See? He just wanted to make sure the patient was okay. He doesn't think you screwed up."

"I guess you're right." Izzie gave me a small smile. We both stepped up as the ambulance approached with its ringing sirens. "Thanks."

As the ambulance pulled to a stop in front of the two of us and the back doors opened up, I hopped up to help the paramedic get the patient out of the ambulance and rolled into the emergency room. Complications from neurosurgery aren't rare, even if most of them usually take place in the hospital. Some people were more scared of waking up from a brain surgery than they were of the actual surgery. But our patient doesn't stay down in the E.R. for long, moved quickly for scans and more surgery.

After surgery, the patient does stabilize. It took a little longer than I expected it to but I don't get paged away for another case or cases coming into the E.R., which was a surprise. It was nice to just get a chance to operate with Izzie without the stress of deadlines and other things lingering over my head.

It's past the end of my shift by the time that we were finally scrubbing out. I don't mind staying late, of course. It happens all the time. Jackson and I frequently chose not to drive to work together on the chance that one of us had to stay late.

"You got any plans tonight?" Izzie asked as I grabbed a towel, drying my hands.

"Nope." I popped the syllable. "Just going home. Do you?"

"Date night with Alex." She beamed. "I actually convinced him to take me out on a proper one."

"Good for you. Have fun!"

Exchanging a few quick texts with Jackson, he let me know that he had already left work for the day and gotten home with Quinn. I offered to pick up some groceries for the store for dinner, well aware that we were just about out of diaper wipes and were likely to need a new container of them before the morning came. It wouldn't take long for me to get what I needed and get home to them. I was eager to curl up on the couch with my baby and my husband. It was the perfect end to a long day.

Getting changed out of my navy scrubs into a pair of jeans and a blouse, I make sure that everything is fine in the emergency room before I head out to the parking lot and get into my car. It smells like baby wipes already, even if we're pretty much out of them.

Traffic is what I expected it would be at the end of the workday, not quite as slow as it might have been if I had gotten off of work on time. Turning on the radio, I flip it away from CNN and onto a country music station. It's a guilty pleasure of mine that I only bother turning on when Jackson wasn't in the car with me, well aware that it was far from his favorite kind of music. He was much more into R&B than I was.

" _There's not enough rain in Oklahoma to wash the sins out of that house. There's not enough wind in Oklahoma to…_ " I sang along with the radio.

Then, everything went back.

A ringing noise filled my ears, far away and too close at the same time. My face hurt and my chest were aching. It smelled like dust. It sounded like there was someone yelling in the distance but I couldn't pin my voice on anything about the voice – what side of my body they were walking on, whether it was a man or woman, a shout or a whisper.

I'm not sure how much time passes before I'm finally able to open my eyes and realize that my entire world was upside down. Things were darker than it should have been, but it wasn't after sunset yet. The top of my head was pressed against the top of my car and my neck was at an angle. The number one thing that you're not supposed to do after a car crash was move, especially not your head or neck. Yet I want to. It's an uncomfortable position to be stuck in. Blinking slowly a few times, I begin to process the details of my surroundings.

There were people talking around me. My car was upside down. Instead of just rubbernecking, some people must have actually gotten out of their car to see if there was anything they could do to help. I could have helped if I wasn't the one stuck in my car.

I can't feel my legs.

"Oh…" I breathed out quietly. Against my better instinct, I give a small adjustment of my body to try and get a look at what was going on. I was still a doctor – maybe there was something I could do to try and help myself before paramedics arrived. But I can't really see my legs. Whatever car had hit me, it had been bigger and stronger than my own vehicle. The material of my car was distorted around me and had my legs completed pinned without hope of me being able to get out on my own. It was going to take firefighters and some kind of heavy duty equipment to get me out of the car.

But then, I realize that not being able to feel my legs is perhaps the least of my problems.

"Oh my god."

It can't be from my car. My car must have hit or gone over something in the process of flipping to be in this upside down position. There's a thick metal rod penetrating right between my left breast, a few inches sticking out. I can't feel the pain that should be there. It's like staring at a body that wasn't even my own, as if I was some random patient coming into the emergency room, tasked with figuring out the best way to keep them alive. That was all I was going to be for some other trauma surgeon.

Breathing is difficult. Undoubtedly, it's in my lung. If it was moved, it would make things worse. Pulling it out would mean a gush of blood inside of me. I would drown, choking on my own blood.

"Ma'am?" A stranger's voice is heard. Moving my eyes toward it, there's a younger male squatted there, dressing in a firefighter's suit. Someone had called 911 for me.

"Hi." I breathed out, unsure what to say.

"Hi. My name's Ryan, I'm here to help. I need you to listen to me very carefully. I need you to keep your head as still as possible. Don't try and look around, don't try to move. Just stay as still as possible. I know it's not easy with gravity working against you, but it's what you need to do." It's weird to hear such obvious information being thrown at me.

"I know." Part of me wanted to laugh, but I'm scared to move my chest like that. "My name is Dr. April Kepner. I'm a trauma surgeon at Seattle Grace Mercy West." I breathed out. "Ironic, isn't it?"

"April, you're going to be just fine." He tried to reassure me.

But the way that he said it, I know he doesn't believe it either.

"I–I need my phone." My fingers itched to reach around and feel for it, to try and find my purse to pull it out. It'd been in the passenger seat next to me. I don't immediately see it in my vision or my peripherals, but it had to be somewhere in the car. "I need to call my husband."

"It's alright," Ryan said and gave me a smile. "We'll call whoever we need to on the way to the hospital. April, was there anyone in the car with you?"

"No, it's just me." I wet my lips, tasting my own blood. "I need to call him now. He's a surgeon too. I… I need to call him now."

Before it was too late.

"Let's focus on getting you out of the car first, okay?" He tried to refocus me, but I can't. I need to call Jackson. I need to hear his voice one more time, hear the sound of my daughter babbling senselessly and laughing. I needed to hear them just one more time. "We're going to have to take apart the car to get you out."

"C–can you see how far the rod goes? Is it through the other side of my seat?" If it was just sticking out of my front, then it would be easier to get me out. But if it was going all the way through, I didn't stand a chance.

"Yeah, it is." He answered.

So this was it.

"I need my phone," I repeated myself. "Please, I need a phone. I need to call my husband before you extract me."

It was hard to tell if it was my begging that convinced him to get a phone for me or if he realized the gravity of the situation. He was too calm to have been new at the job. He must have known that I wasn't going to have very long by the time that they removed me from the car. "Here you go." He murmured as he handed me a phone. I can only move my right arm – I don't know why. It takes me longer than it should have to dial Jackson's phone number.

The line rings and rings. Each one of us got sales calls all the time and he must have thought that it was just another one of those. A few long seconds pass before it finally beeped and went to voicemail.

"H–hi, Jackson, it's me." I paused and sniffled. "Something happened. You're probably about to be getting a lot of calls. I was in a car crash and it doesn't look good." I tried to blink back the tears and failed. "My legs are pinned in the car and there's a, uh… metal rod going through my chest. My left lung. It goes all the way through so it's not looking too good here."

"Hey–" Ryan tried to interject himself. "You're going to be just fine."

"I don't think I'm going to make it." Too much trauma training told me more than the paramedic's blind hope was. "But I want you to know that I love you. I love you so, so much. And I love Quinn. I love you both more than anything in the world and I need you to know that and I need you to hear it just one more time. I don't want to die. I really don't, but… I don't think I'm gonna make it. But I want you to know that I'm gonna try. I'm gonna fight. I'm gonna fight to come back for you and Quinn."

It was getting harder to breathe. I don't know if it was the injuries and more blood getting into my lungs or the impending doom, the tears that were beginning to choke me. I didn't have much longer.

"God, help me." I cried out. "Tell Quinn that I love her. That I loved her more than anything in the world. Please make sure she knows how much I love her. And please know how much I love you. I love you. I love you, I love you."

Then, nothing.


	18. Chapter 18

_** JACKSON ** _

_Jackson, it's Bailey. You need to get to the hospital ASAP. It's April and it's serious._

_Jackson, it's Bailey. You need to get to the hospital ASAP. It's April and it's serious._

_Jackson, it's Bailey. You need to get to the hospital ASAP. It's April and it's serious._

Words echo in my ears, pressing my foot into the gas pedal of my car and hearing the engine roar to life as I sped through a yellow light, cutting it close. One of my neighbors, Melinda, was watching Quinn. My daughter had been asleep when I had left. She'd be confused upon waking and it would be a pain in the ass for Melinda, given how stubborn she is about having her mother lately. But there had been no time to wait when I had gotten that call from Bailey.

No speed would have been fast enough to get to the hospital and figure out what the hell was going on. That doesn't stop me from trying, though. My car is crooked in the parking spot and I leave it unlocked, barely even shutting the door. I didn't give a shit if someone snatched it, as long as April was alright.

"Where's Bailey?" I barked at the first unfortunate orderly who comes in my path.

"Uh– she, she was in the E.R. the last time that I checked." They stuttered back at me.

There was no way for me to get there fast enough. Everything in the hospital was always loud but it seemed especially so tonight, residents and interns chattering back and forth and loud mouthing as if nothing else in the world mattered. But as soon as their eyes landed on my panicked form, looking around and trying to get a hold of what happened, a hush fell upon them. They knew something that I didn't. Hunt was nowhere to be seen. Neither was April. I expected some familiar face, someone who worked during the day as we did. Even with her usually commanding presence, it took a moment for me to spot Bailey in a crowd of people.

She didn't look like her usual confident self. Instead, she seemed frazzled. Bailey wasn't dressed in scrubs in her lab coat but instead in street clothes, though she still had a pair of gloves from the E.R. on her hands. Whatever had happened, being off the clock hadn't stopped her from trying to step in and help. That only alarmed me further. If it was simple, she wouldn't have to.

"Dr. Bailey!" I called out her name loudly as I approached and she turned toward me immediately. "What the hell happened? Where's April?" Any other time and I wouldn't have spoken to her like that.

"Jackson…" she sighed out my name, clasping her hands together in front of her face.

"What happened?" I repeated, my voice growing louder.

"There was a car crash," Dr. Bailey began slowly. "Someone ran a red light and plowed into her car. Her car hit a worker's truck. The car flipped and her legs were pinned inside of the vehicle." Her hands don't move from where they are as she explained. "The worker's truck… it was moving some pipes and other equipment. When her car flipped from the force of the impact and hit the back of the truck, it dislodged all of the equipment in there. One of the pipes…" There were tears in her eyes and she looked up as if she were praying. Just like April would have done in a situation like that.

But her pause only gave me more reason to panic. "And what? What happened? Is she okay? Where is she?"

"The pipe impaled her chest completely and kept her pinned against her seat. But the way that the pipe was positioned, it kept her from bleeding out and awake. The first responders on the scene said that she was conscious and talking when they arrived there." Even though she kept speaking, it wasn't the answer that I wanted to hear.

"Where the fuck is my wife?" I blurted out, keeping her from going any further with the gory details.

"Jackson, maybe you should sit down for a moment." She recommended, finally unclasping her hands and touching my arm.

"Where is she? Where's April?" My voice grew louder and more desperate with each question that passed out of my mouth, looking around the E.R. in alarm at the faces who stared at the two of us, waiting for something to happen. "Where is April? I need to see her!"

Owen interrupted. "Jackson." He grasped my shoulder, looking at me with red eyes. "Sit down a minute."

"What's going on?" I jerked away from the contact. "Just tell me!"

"Jackson…" Bailey's hands clasped back together and she took a deep breath. "We did everything that we could for her. They had to remove the pipe from her chest in order to get her out of the car, but… by the time that she got here… it was already too late. We tried everything that we could. But she didn't make it."

_She didn't make it._

"What the fuck? No. That's impossible." I shook my head with the denial. "No. No, that's not possible!"

"It was too late when they brought her in," Hunt echoed what Bailey I had said, tears glistening in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I tried– I tried everything, but… nothing worked. She was already too far gone."

"Where is she?" I demanded to know. "Where is she?"

"I'll take you to her," Bailey suggested. Her dark eyes were wet as she looked at me, arms falling down by her side.

I followed her in a daze toward the elevator. When we stepped inside and she pressed one of the buttons, I know exactly where we're going up to. One of the holding rooms. The stop between for families to get a look at their loved one before they were taken down to the room.

"We had to move her down here for space in the E.R.," she explained. "Other crash victims."

"What happened to the person who hit her?" I asked

"He died on impact."

_Good._

The floor was silent when we entered, the only noise coming from the shutting of the elevator doors behind us. The nurse at the station looked up at me and froze when the two of us entered, but Bailey waved him away to keep him from coming in to say something. It was cold. Empty. Bailey walked me down to a room, opening the door. There was one body out in the clear with a sheet on top of it – clearly someone short in height and thin. Even with the sheet covering her face, I can see red hair hanging off the top of the table.

"I'll give you a minute." Bailey looked at me for a long moment before walking back toward the elevator.

Another ding of the elevator was given as she left me alone in the room. For a long moment, I stand there, staring at the little curl of red hair that I can see hanging off the table. There was no movement, no slight rise and fall of her chest as if she was asleep. I'd watched her sleep more times than I could count. This wasn't that.

I'm not sure how much time passed before I'm finally able to approach her body. My hands shake as I reached for the thin white sheet and slowly begin to peel it back away from her face, an inch at a time. The top of her hair, her slight widow's peak, brows thinner without the makeup that she used to fill them in. Her eyes were already shut and her lips were pale. I stopped pulling back the sheet at her shoulders. Whatever clothes she'd had on, they had been cut off of her. What had she worn this morning? Was it the black jacket? Or the red one?

"No." I shook my head. "No, no, no… no."

Her skin was pale and produced a stark contrast between the freckles that covered the bridge of her nose and dusted across her cheeks. She'd always been embarrassed about them and started wearing makeup to cover them up once she was old enough that her mom let her buy makeup. I'd loved them. She'd worn makeup this morning. It must have come off when they wiped the blood from her body.

For once, I don't want to see her freckles.

"Strawberry." I'm a doctor. I've seen death more times than I can count, I've stared at dead bodies, fixed them up to try and make it a little easier for the family to have to face it. "Strawberry, please…" There's no sense in begging and that doesn't stop. "Please come back to me."

I don't know how long I stay there. I can't stand for all of it, eventually falling to my knees. Pulling her arm out from under the sheet, I hold her icy cold hand with both of mine, rubbing my thumbs across the back of her knuckles and trying to bring some of that warmth back to it. I hold it against my cheek, wishing for once last squeeze, or one of those silly cheek pats that she always gave me whenever she was coddling me. One last playful punch, one last squeeze of my hand, one last chest pat, one last anything.

But I wasn't going to have any of that. There would be no one last. We'd already had our last everything. Our last kiss, our last hug, our last night in bed together. Our first and last everything was in the past and we would never be able to relive any of it together again.

April would never get to see Quinn's first birthday.

The thought of our daughter never getting to know her mother who loved her more than anything in the universe was the thing to finally push me over the edge, sobbing as I held onto her hand tighter than before. Fat tears fall down my face and onto the floor. Each heaving sob left my chest hurt more than the one before it had. There's nothing to stop it.

So rarely in my life did I cry, and in almost every moment, April had been the one to be able to talk me back down and get my head screwed on right. I'd always let my feelings get bottled up and come out at the inappropriate time – except now, this was the right time, this was the time that I was meant to grieve. This was the moment when every bereaved person lost their shit. But now, I don't have my wife to hold my hand and tell me that it wasn't the end of the world, that things were going to be okay even if that moment wasn't now. Maybe things weren't going to be okay. She had been my world and now she was just gone, like that. Without any kind of warning. Taken away from me by some idiotic driver who couldn't just see a red fucking light and hit the brake like everyone else.

"What the fuck?" I blurted out, lifting up my forehead from her hand and looking up at the ceiling. "She loved you. She loved you more than anything, and you pulled this bullshit! How could you? She dedicated her whole fucking life to you!"

No answer comes. There wasn't an answer. There wasn't any kind of explanation for how someone as good and kind, as caring and giving, as April could be taken away from the world. She was the kind of woman who deserved to have a happy, long life. She'd only gotten one of those things, not both. I knew that she'd been happy with me and with Quinn. But she should have had years and years left with the two of us. We should have given Quinn siblings. There should have been a hoard of Avery's running around, a mix of little light-skinned redheads. Now it was just me and Quinn.

She was the only piece of her mother that I had left.

Eventually, Mark comes to try and drag me out of the room. He was in scrubs. I knew what he was doing. Underneath the towel, where I had been too scared to pull it back further, she was probably mangled. He was coming to fix her up some, to make it better. To make it more presentable.

"She was an organ donor." I reminded him as he tried to shut the door on me. "She wanted to donate."

"We know," Mark nodded. "They already harvested."

Oh.

"The paramedics said that she called you, before…" He doesn't continue his sentence. "That she left you a voicemail that you're probably going to want to hear."

My hands patted my pockets for my phone. "I… I left my phone at home."

When I arrive home that night, Melinda was not there waiting for me. Instead, my mother was sitting on the couch, holding onto my sleeping daughter. I can't say a word to her. Instead, I take my daughter from her arms and walking back to my bedroom, shutting the door without a word to her. She didn't know what I was going through. Dad had left her by choice. He hadn't died suddenly and horrifically. She would insert herself in how I feel. I don't want that.

Quinn doesn't know that there's a thing different in the world. Would she notice that she was going to have to start drinking formula in a couple of days? Would she cry for April's breasts? For April to be the one to hold her and change her diaper and bath her and put her to bed every night? Would she even want me instead of her mother?

I wouldn't.

Waiting until Quinn was asleep for hopefully a few hours is the easiest way that I'd be able to listen to the voicemail. My mother offered to stay the night and I kick her out saying things that I don't really mean, but it was the only way for me to get alone when I wanted to be. I need peace and privacy to listen to the voicemail. Whatever was on it, it was her last words to me. It was going to make me lose my mind no matter what.

Staring at my phone and the red notification that her voicemail leaves, it takes a few minutes before I'm ready to press play. It turned out there had been one more last waiting for me. The one last that I really didn't want to hear.

_"H–hi, Jackson, it's me."_

Even in the first few words, I can hear the pain in her voice. The background was noisy between sirens and the chatter and shouting of other people, but I can focus entirely on her voice and every syllable that came from it. Even if she had been conscious, she had to pain. I could hear it in her voice. It was the way that she spoke whenever she was cramping on her period, the voice that she had used when she was in labor and trying to remain calm. I knew that particular strain voice. Her last moments had been in agony, not peace. She had died in pain.

It made me hate her God all the more. And it made me even more grateful that the asshole who had done this to her was rotting away.

_"I don't think I'm going to make it."_ Those words hurt to hear more than anything else. She had always been the hopeful one, the optimistic. She prayed for all of her patients while she was scrubbing in for surgery, using every possible method that she knew how in order to save them. Even the ones that didn't have science behind it. She had been too compassionate and caring for the world. But it seemed like in her last moments, she hadn't had that optimism.

_"But I want you to know that I love you. I love you so, so much. And I love Quinn. I love you both more than anything in the world and I need you to know that and I need you to hear it just one more time."_

Getting through the entire voicemail is the worst thing that I've ever had to do in my life. Listening to her in pain and hearing her lose hope with each sentence that comes on. Hearing her promise to fight and knowing that she undoubtedly had given every last piece of her she had in order to try and come home to me and Quinn, and she just…. hadn't. It hadn't been enough. She had died anyway.

_"Tell Quinn that I love her. That I loved her more than anything in the world. Please make sure she knows how much I love her. And please know how much I love you. I love you, I love you. I love you."_

Her last words had been I love you.

Dying and in agony, the last thing that she had made sure that I would hear from her was her voice, telling me that she loved me. The last act that she did was putting forth more love and kindness into the universe, doing what she always preached that she would, what she believed that God and being religious was all about. She followed through to the end with what she believed in. She made sure that I had one last message from her, that Quinn would have her mother's voice telling her that she loved her more than anything for her life.

Despite the horrendous pain that it brings me, I listen to the sound of her voice over and ovine again. I can't stop no matter how much pain it causes. It's torturing myself, in a way. But I memorize the timepoints when some of the worst of the pain isn't loud, and she professes her love for both of us. I would need that. Quinn would need that – now, and for the rest of her life.

The only reason that I get out of bed the next two days is that I have to feed and take care of my daughter – take care of the last little bit of April that was left. I had to make sure that she was okay, that there was nothing that was going to get in the way. Mom buys formula. She gets a Keurig-type of machine where it does most of the work for you. It makes everything faster. I should thank her for it. I don't. I don't want her there. I wanted April. She was the only one that I wanted.

The day that her funeral comes, it was pouring down freezing rain. It fits.

Her graveside service was crowded with people from the hospital. It seemed as if everyone that was capable of not being at the hospital was there, dressed in black and the top of her coffin was covered completely with white roses. I wondered if she had any idea how many people would have showed up to this for her – how popular and loved she truly had become by everything that she worked with. She had spent so much of her life thinking that she was unpopular but everyone who could come had. Her mother, father, and sisters were all there. Alex, Cristina, Izzie, and Meredith show up, too. I barely speak to them. I barely speak to my own mother. People come and go with their condolences and hugs, kissing Quinn on the forehead and offering to help in whatever way they could, but none of them could. The only thing that would have helped was having her back.

People don't stay as long as I do. Eventually, the coffin is lowered into the ground. My mother takes Quinn from me and takes her home, letting me stay there for longer. I'm freezing cold in the rain. But I don't feel as cold as her hand had when I had last held it. That had been the coldest thing that I had ever experienced in my life.

There wouldn't be a headstone there for weeks. Instead, it's just a wooden sign. Not enough. It doesn't tell you that she was gone too soon and that she was leaving behind a husband and a daughter who would never have her own memories of her mother. It doesn't tell you that she believed in God and God had let her and everyone else down, taking her away way sooner than she should have been. It was just there.

Taking off work comes naturally and without question. Someone had to take care of my daughter. I couldn't be in the place where she had died and act like everything was fine. I had to make sure that someone was always keeping a careful eye Queenie and making sure that she was okay and out of danger. She needed to be watched all the time. Whether it was for the therapy related exercises or just taking a bottle, she needed a careful eye on her. Even if the daycare was a good one, there were so many kids there. She needed better attention than that. More attention.

"I brought a casserole." As usual, Izzie doesn't announce that she's coming over. She just does.

Izzie always brings homemade food whenever she comes over. Like April was, she was good at cooking. She probably liked leftovers too. But I can never bring myself to eat it for more than one meal, no matter how good it might have tasted. It made me think of April too much.

"Thanks," I muttered, securing my grip on my daughter as I held her against my chest.

"It looks like she's starting to grow out of that onesie," she remarked, eyeing my daughter. "You're probably going to have to go shopping soon."

"It's fine." I shook my head.

Two weeks had passed since April had died and been buried. I haven't left the house other than to walk down the block to the Walgreens and get necessities – diapers, butt cream, formula. Maybe a bag of chips or a frozen burrito to heat up if I was hungry. I hadn't made any real trips to the grocery store or places like Target. I couldn't bring myself to get in the car or to put Quinn in the car. She was safer at home. We both were.

"You have to go out eventually, Jackson," Izzie implored me. "April wouldn't want you to live holed up in here for the rest of her life. She loved being at work. Hell, she loved going to Target. She would want you to do all of those things."

"You don't know what she would want. You weren't married to her." I barked. "Just go home."

"Alright…" she sighed out, stepping back toward the door. "But call me if you need anything."

Even though I was being a dick, deep down, I knew she was right.

Quinn hadn't been in her crib for weeks because I'd resolved to have her sleeping in our bed. My bed, now. I didn't want to be in it alone and I wanted to be right there if she woke up for whatever reason in the middle of the night. Listening to her cry was harder, now, when all I wanted to do was cry for her mother. I'd recorded only the section of April's voicemail saying that she loved both of us, and played it for her every night as a part of her bedtime routine.

Holing up inside of my house was easier now than it had ever been. I can go online and order all of the groceries that I need and have them delivered. Getting takeout delivered was easy. Society could cater to those who refused to leave their house for whatever reason if they had enough money for it, and we did. There was no reason that I would have to leave my house for a long time. Bailey and Webber had both told me to take as much time as I needed. I would. Without her there, driving together in the morning and exchanging adrenaline-pumping stories of surgery over lunch or dinner, it just didn't seem right. Why did I have to go on saving lives when hers couldn't be saved?

Two weeks becomes a month.

The backyard felt like enough fresh air and outdoors tie for a seven month old. She wasn't walking or crawling around now – her therapist said, over the phone, that it was fine and normal that she wasn't crawling but that we needed to schedule another appointment soon. I can't bring myself to commit to any date for leaving the house and driving to the hospital. It had been the route that she had taken. Her normal commute home. And she had died there, doing the most normal and monotonous thing possible.

Normal and monotonous, like grocery shopping or going to therapy appointments. Or maybe the latter wasn't the norm. Down Syndrome was common, but it wasn't that common. At least no one could say that my job was normal or monotonous. Some days, boob jobs and tummy tucks, maybe. But it was a level one trauma center. I had plenty of adventures and challenges at work.

A level one trauma center that couldn't save my wife. How was I ever supposed to go there and pretend that things were fine? How could I look at Hunt and Bailey and everyone else and not think of who was missing from the picture?

"Jackson!" My mother lets herself in with her key, as usual. She was more unpredictable than Izzie with whether or not she bothered to announce her presence beforehand.

"Hi, Mom," I called out, wiping Quinn's chin from the baby food on her chin.

"What are you doing right now? I have something for you." There she was, demanding as always.

"Quinn just finished lunch." She had made it apparent that she wasn't interested in eating any more of the organic banana puree. "I need to put her down for a nap." Maybe she would take a long time so I could put off this conversation.

"Oh, let me take care of that in just a minute," she waved her hand as she followed the sound of my voice to the kitchen. "I have something else that I need you to do. Someone that I need you to meet."

Had she just brought someone over without consulting me? "Mom, now really isn't the time for that."

"I don't care." Of course, she didn't. "This isn't important to you."

"It can't be that important," I argued.

"It is." Her eyebrows raised, daring me to question her further. I sighed. I wasn't sure that it was worth the energy. "Just put Quinn in her playpen for a moment, and I'll introduce you two, then I'll get her to put down for her nap. She's been missing out on her grandma time anyway and you need to do this." The absolute last thing that I wanted to do right now, but she made it apparent enough that I didn't have much of a choice.

"Fine."

Scooping up Quinn from her highchair, I carried her to the playpen that she had set up in the living room and set her down gently on one of the blankets that were stretched out there. There were plenty of toys for her – none that were a choking hazard or had too hard of edges. Plenty of stuffed animals, too, to make sure that everything around her was soft. Maybe I had gone a little overboard with cleaning out the house and making sure that it was as baby proof as humanly possible, but I didn't care. I would and could do absolutely anything humanly possible to make sure that the environment was as safe as possible for her.

"What is it?" I turned to my mom as she walked back toward the front door of our– my house, folding my arms in front of my chest and scowling down at her. "I really don't want to see anyone right now." As if she hadn't already gotten the message.

"Trust me, this is going to be good for you." She opened up the door and motioned me outside to follow.

A woman was standing at the end of the driveway by the mailbox, wrapped up in a cardigan with her own arms crossed. She was thin and a little frail looking. Given that there was only one car parked on the street, she had undoubtedly come here with my mother.

"If you're seriously trying to set me up with someone a fuckin' month after my wife died, I'm–" Before I can get any further with the anger spewing from my mouth, she cut me off.

"You know that is not something I would do. Hush." Mom glared at me with furrowed brows, shaking her head at disapproval before putting on a sunny disposition and turning toward the woman, waving her over toward the two of us. I didn't let up with my folded arms, slouching down. "Come here, honey. This is Jackson Avery, my son who I told you about. Jackson, this is Audrey Coleman."

"Hi." I forced a smile but I don't offer her my hand.

"Hi," she breathed out, a smile growing across her cheeks as she looked up at me.

"Audrey has two young boys. Shortly before the birth of her second son, however, she was diagnosed with peripartum cardiomyopathy. The results showed her ejection fraction was only 15. They had her deliver at thirty-four weeks and had to place in an LVAD. She had to deal with a NICU baby, like you did, while she was in the ICU. But she had the opposite result that you and April did – she didn't get to go home soon and her baby did. Her results revealed that her ejection fraction dropped to an 8. She needed a transplant." The more that Mom explained, the more that I could see things slowly beginning to fall into place. "She got that transplant a month ago. April's heart, Jackson. Her heart was still in good condition after the crash, and a transplant team came and picked it up to give it to Audrey."

I stared at Audrey for a long moment, trying to process. April hadn't lived. But her heart was still beating – just inside of another chest, giving life to another woman. Another mother. It was still there and beating and loving.

"There is nothing I can say to even begin to thank you and your wife enough for what you've done to me." Audrey began to speak. She had a quiet, meek voice. "As soon as I woke up, I was acutely aware of my new heart. It was so strong. It was an incredible feeling. The doctors said it took very little to get the new heart pumping again. The outcome has been amazing." Despite her demure behavior, she smiled up at me genuinely.

"I…" I was speechless. Nothing came to mind. I couldn't help but stare at her chest, thinking about April's heart beating away inside of it, giving this woman a new and better life.

"I'll leave you two be," Mom said, squeezing my upper arm softly and heading inside of the house.

"When I got the call, I almost didn't believe it. I'd gotten the call before and last time it didn't work out. My husband was with me and he said that I was so calm it actually scared him." Audrey gave a small laugh. "As I went into the operating room, I was praying for your wife and you. Her entire family. Even though I knew my life was about to change in the most amazing way, I knew that you had to be hurting in the most unimaginable way. I can't even begin to understand what you've been through. But I couldn't be more grateful to your wife. Catherine told me that she was a doctor. A trauma surgeon. It sounds like she must have been the most amazing woman."

"She was," I wet my lips as I finally found my voice. "And… she would have been happy that you had it. That you got to be with your kids." Even if she wasn't with hers. Any other moment, I could have hated her selflessness. But staring at Audrey, seeing her living on in another woman and acutely aware that she wasn't the only donor that had received something from April, it's harder to be angry with her. It doesn't hurt in quite the same way.

"Did your wife like strawberries?" Audrey asked suddenly.

I stared at her with a blank face before I was able to reply. "Yeah. She did," I nodded. "What made you ask that?"

"Well, I'm not a doctor. But after the transplant, I was really craving strawberries. I read online that there is this extraordinary phenomenon which sees some transplant recipients take on the characteristics of the donor. So… I thought that maybe she really liked strawberries or something like that. I guess I was right."

"She loved strawberries." I found myself smiling for the first time in a long time, chewing at my lower lip. "It was, uh, my nickname for her, actually. It was a long-running joke between us. We were childhood sweethearts. I knew her since kindergarten. And we met because I was stealing her strawberries and she was too nice to stop me. She's been giving for a long time."

"That's really beautiful," Audrey smiled. "I didn't know that you were childhood sweethearts. Did you know that scientists say there are at least 70 documented cases of transplant patients having personality changes which reflect the characteristics of their donor?"

"Yeah, cellular memory. You sound just like her." I commented, shaking my head and running my hand over my face. "She loved facts like that."

This was weird.

"Do you want to listen?" Audrey asked, blinking. "To her heart beating?"

"I do," I answered without the slightest pause. "I do. Please. Come on, I have a stethoscope inside." I nearly rushed her into the house.

Leaving her in the living room with my mom for just a moment, I go through my bag and quickly pulled out my stethoscope. It hasn't been used in weeks now. But this was the right time to break it out. I couldn't imagine bringing it out for anything more meaningful than this. I would get to hear April's heart beating again. It wouldn't be the two of us lying in bed together, naked after making love and hearing it flutter away as she calmed down, but it was still her heart. It was still one more piece of her out in the universe, doing good.

"Your daughter is beautiful," Audrey commented as I came back out into the living room.

"Thank you." I glanced at Quinn a moment, nearly distracted by her staring up at us. She was clearly confused about what was going on, too young to get a grasp on why her mother was suddenly gone and the significance of the other woman standing in the living room.

Sitting down on the couch, she looked up at me and gave a smile. I sat down next to her, taking a deep breath before putting on my stethoscope.

Placing the disc against her chest, I can hear the sound that I want. The amplified sounds of April's beating heart traveled up the stethoscope's tube to the earpieces. It was beating a little fast, maybe because she was nervous to do this, but it was as strong and clear as any healthy heart. The heart sounds couldn't have been better. I'd listen to April's heart beat like this before, too, when we'd joked around. It sounded just the same inside of Audrey's chest. It was still her heart. Seconds pass as I just sit there and listen to it, bringing a peace that I hadn't known in weeks.

"Thank you," I repeat the words, but this time, they mean something much more than before. "Thank you."

"No, thank you." She shook her head at me though she remained smiling. "Your wife gave me a new life and that's a debt that I can never repay to her or to you. This is the least that I can do for you."

I shake my head, smiling at her for a moment and saying what I knew April would have said regardless in this situation.

"Thank you anyway."


	19. Epilogue

**_ JACKSON _ **

A month before Quinn's first birthday, I'm worried the party that I have for her won't be enough.

All it took was me voicing my concerns to two people: my mother, and Izzie. I wasn't aware the two of them were even in contact until my mother told me not to worry about a thing and that they had planned out the entire day for Quinn and me. I can't help but think of April and how it would have driven her crazy to have things out of her control like that, but for me, it was a welcome relief. I'd never been able to plan as she did. But Mom and Izzie? They were planners and they were over the top. They could make something April would have been proud of.

Pink and purple balloons completely take over the house and backyard. Most everything was set up outside, a table with colorful desserts no doubt handmade by Izzie presented underneath a balloon arch. She kept me out of the way, tasking me solely with getting the birthday girl dressed and ready. When she's in a good mood, that's an easy task. Fortunately for me, she's happy.

_"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Queenie…"_

The chorus of voices between adults and children alike is loud and chaotic. Quinn doesn't quite understand what's going on or that the party was for her but it doesn't stop her from inevitably covering her mouth and face in some of the chocolate cake that had been brought.

"You did a really great job," I complimented Izzie, squeezing her shoulder. "And congrats, on the engagement." I nodded to the new rock on her finger.

"Thanks." She beamed up at me. "I'm glad that I could help. I know April would've loved doing this."

"Yeah," I sighed out with a nod. "She would've. She loved birthdays."

"Planning a kid's birthday party is at least a lot easier than doing an adult's," she said with a chuckle. "But thanks for letting me do this for you. I know that you've had a hard year."

A hard year didn't even begin to describe it.

"Uh-huh," I shut my eyes and took a deep breath for a moment before my gaze found my daughter. She was laughing at stupid faces that Karev was making, a smile stretching wide across her features and crawling toward him. "But I have her. And she's perfect."

It was difficult to fathom the fact that when we had first gotten the diagnosis about Quinn's Down Syndrome, I had questions and hesitations as I tried to wrap my head around what the rest of our life was going to look like. I'd been so worked up about how things would change. It turned out – that didn't matter. None of those questions had. My life had already taken a drastic left turn when I had least expected it by losing April. Planning and having expectations didn't make a damn difference in the future. What was that thing that April had always said?

Man plans. God laughs. Something like that.

Even if I was agnostic, if there were any of her beliefs that I could find some truth in, it was that one. Nothing had gone according to plan with losing her in the way that I had. So suddenly. After a few months, it doesn't feel easier. Time was supposed to heal, but did it do its job Sometimes it felt like she had died yesterday. Other days, it felt as if she had been gone for a million years.

On what should have been April's thirty-second birthday, it's nearly impossible to get out of bed. The scent of her on the sheets and pillow is gone. Even with all of the throw pillows that I put up on the bed, making it how she had liked it, her smell is still gone. I spritzed her perfume on the sheets.

"Are you sure that you don't want me to take her for today?" Mom asked through the phone.

"No, it's fine." Being alone wouldn't do me any good. "I'm just taking off work."

"Well, let me know if you need anything." She hesitated. "I'll call you later."

April 23rd held no significance in Quinn's mind yet but when she was mentally mature enough to understand, she would know. I'm still not entirely sure if she understood what had happened – why her mother was no longer here, why she only heard the same recording of her voice playing for her every night. That was where the developmental curve got me. She'd been quick to sit up alone, but slow to start crawling. She didn't speak yet but she could stand on her own. Likely, she would have no memories of her mother. Videos on my phone, on April's phone, they were still there. But it wasn't the same. I just hoped that one day, she would be able to feel the infectious amount of love that her mother had for her.

She's not in a good mood that morning. Maybe she could feel it coming off me. Quinn fought with every ounce of strength in her little body getting dressed and flung food all over the kitchen. When I get her in the car seat, she screamed at me until finally quieting down, the paw of a stuffed lamb in her mouth.

It's not rainy like it was on the day of the funeral but a thick mass of gray clouds threatens the prospect of it. Picking her up and opting to carry her instead of bothering with the stroller in the trunk, the walk to the grave is a short one. Yet every step taken feels slower than the one before it. I hadn't been able to avoid confronting the reality that April was gone, which for my daughter's sake, was a good thing. But even know that the stone in her memory had been erected at her grave, it's still a painful place to be.

"Do you know who we are visiting?" I asked her as I slowed to a stop at April's grave, taking a deep breath. I don't expect an answer.

Quinn doesn't say try to say anything. Instead, she just buried her face in my neck.

"It's okay. We're going to sit down for a minute." Taking a deep breath, I got down on my knees. She rested on top of my thighs, still turned in toward me.  
 __  
IN LOVING MEMORY OF APRIL KEPNER.  
BELOVED WIFE, MOTHER, & DAUGHTER.

There was a thick cross engraved at the top of the headstone. Even if I didn't believe in it, I knew that it was something that she would have wanted there if we had time to discuss that kind of thing. I reach out and touch it against my better judgment, running my finger along the vertical and horizontal lines.

Naive curiosity following my movements, Quinn shifted away from me and forward on my knees to try and follow my arm. She couldn't reach the tombstone on my own. On two unsteady feet, she wobbled as she pushed herself to stand upright. I stay right behind her to make sure that she doesn't fall, or if she does, that I was right there to catch her. But she managed to stabilize herself on both of her feet with her back turned toward me, looking at my hand and the headstone that bore her mother's name. I knew she couldn't read it. But maybe she could feel it – her presence, being watched over by her mother from above.

I doubted Heaven. I doubted God. But I didn't doubt that April was still watching over her daughter from afar.

Thoughts are ripped from me when Quinn does the most unexpected thing. Instead of grabbing onto my arm like I expected her to do whenever she stood up for more than a moment or two, she mostly ignored my presence and took a step forward to her mother's headstone, then a second, gripping onto it for support and placing her hands over the cold stone that read her mother's names.

Her first steps. Her first two steps.

April must have been here, in some way or another.

"Hey, look at you go." I cooed as I shifted toward her. "You took your first steps! All by yourself!" No camera and yet I felt like the people who needed to witness it more than anyone else in the world had. "You're such a big girl! I can't believe you just did that. So good."

Babbling escaped her lips as she stared at the headstone, her hands looking so tiny next to the letters on it. She touched the cross with one hand and April's name with the other. It's hard to make any sense of the noises that were coming out of her lips, but I would have liked to think that she was trying to say mama. She would say it eventually.

When Quinn does say her first words, it was what I had hoped for and yet not in the circumstances that I would have expected. Fifteen months old, sitting on my lap with a book in hand, it was focused on colors – a See Touch Feel book. I think that now it's a little young for her, but she likes being able to get her hands on the pages and feel something other than the stiff wood that most kid's books had. Mostly, she liked running her hands up and down the textured pages. She loved weirdo textures. Lately, Playdoh was her favorite.

Fat fingers traced around one of the red circles on the page. There's no texture to it – I wasn't sure what it was drawing her attention so much more than anything else on the page. But she was completely enamored by it. It's only once she spoke that I understood.

"Mama."

The red color on the page reminded her of April – of her mother's hair. She did remember something about her. Her most distinctive feature, the one that I had always been able to spot in a crowd or busy area no matter what there was going on.

"Yeah, mama." I kissed the top of her head loudly. "Red just like mama's hair. Mama who loves you so, so much." I encouraged her.

"Mama," Quinn repeated. "Mama, mama, mama."

"Keep saying it, just like that, sweetheart." I beamed down at her, cheeks nearly aching with the force of the smile on her lips. "Mama. Mama loves you."

My heart swelled with joy and sorrow to hear her say mama like that, knowing how proud it would have made April to hear her say her first words, how ecstatic she would have been that it was her name. I say mama more than I do daddy, probably – it's so easy to talk about her, all of the things that she would have wanted to do with our daughter. Mostly to hold myself accountable, to make sure that I did everything she would have wanted and more.

Babysitters were something that I tried to avoid at all possible cost, relying on Mom and Izzie when I wasn't just dropping her off at daycare for work. I wanted to spend every moment that I could with her. I didn't want to slack as a father or dip out in any way. April would have done everything to be there with her, I knew that, and I had to make sure that I was with her for every possible step of the way. If I could do that, I succeeded. My social life plummets because of it, but there are some things that I still know I shouldn't skip out on. I don't regret it. So much love had been lost from my life with April's death, and the only healing had come from loving our daughter.

Izzie and Alex's wedding is my first big reason to get out of the house. April would have wanted to do – maybe even stood up with Izzie as one of her bridesmaids. I'm sure she would have been happy to help plan it. She would have insisted on getting a babysitter for Quinn for the night, so I do.

"Congratulations, man." I clapped Alex on the back of his shoulder. "You deserve it."

"That's a lie," he laughed. "But thanks."

"I guess Izzie did all of the planning?" I glanced around the large banquet hall with raised eyebrows. "'Cause this is all kind of insane. I mean, it's great. But it's insane."

"Yeah," Alex nodded. "You ever think about getting back into it again? Seeing people?"

It didn't surprise me that he would be the one to ask. I wasn't sure if other people had thought it given that my social circle was solely at work and my daughter, occasionally my mother or Izzie if she inserted herself into the equation. He was always the blunt one. If there was a timetable for this kind of thing, which I had been told numerous times by my therapist that there wasn't, then he would have been happy to brush past it and ask anyway.

"No, I don't," I answered honestly. "I miss her. But I don't feel like my life is missing anything."

"Good for you," he nodded. "You got a great kid."

"You think about having them? Kids?" I turned the conversation back around him.

"Like Izzie's gonna give me a choice," he snorted.

"Are you trying to hog my husband from me?" Izzie swooped in as if she had heard the conversation between the two of us, a bright smile beaming on her lips. April and I hadn't had a formal, traditional wedding – but if we had, I imagined that she would have looked something like this. "Sorry, Jackson, I need a dance."

There was some somber jealousy as I watched the two of them go out to the dance floor. April would have loved to be here for this and dance the night away. She loved weddings. I was sure that she would have cried if she were here, too. She always cried at weddings.

I did miss her. Every day, when I woke up in our bed alone and as I got our daughter dressed, when I drove to work and heard one of her favorite songs on the radio, when a massive trauma came in and I thought of the way that she would have totally taken control in the emergency room, making dinner for myself and knowing that it wasn't as good as she would have made it but she would have smiled and wrinkled her nose if she found me cooking on my own, packing up the leftovers. There was no replacing her, or love that wonderful. But I had to keep living my life as she would have wanted. I had to keep being a good parent.

I had to keep being a surgeon, too. Money was not an issue that I had to worry about but there needed to be normalcy in my life. I don't work as much as I might have under other circumstances. Plastic surgery is second in my life to being a father and always would be. For better or worse, there are memories at the hospital I don't want to let go of.

There are moments of difficulty that come and go. Car crash victims who look just a little too similar to her. Parents who have lost their children too soon. Redheaded women. I can't control it.

"Hey, baby girl." No matter what happened during the end of the day, it feels good to pick up Quinn. "Are you ready to go home? Daddy missed you today."

"Daddy." Two years old now, single words were coming much easier to her than they had before.

"Do you want to walk? Or do you want Daddy to push you?" I squatted down as I zipped up her jacket for her and adjusted one of her shoes. "You get to pick." Anything to help her learn independence.

"Daddy," she repeated herself. It was a mostly clear answer.

Scooping her up into my arms and placing a kiss on her forehead, her head tilted so it rested on my shoulder as we walked toward the door of the hospitals. I drive a different route home from the hospital now – I don't want to go down the road where it had happened. It's only an extra three minutes on my commute. It feels worth it.

"Shoot, sorry–" As a fellow doctor nearly ran into the two of us, I stopped in my path. Reflexively, I tensed when I realized that it was Nathan Riggs.

"It's alright," I gave a slight nod.

"Hi there, Quinn." Nathan smiled, giving a little wave of my daughter. She doesn't lift up her head or wave back at him, just staring with wide eyes. I resist a snort. There's no reason to hold a grudge against him now, but it was just a little funny. "Wow. She looks just like April. I've never really noticed before."

"Yeah, she does." I saw it every day. The way that she smiled and laughed – even if her physical features in some ways didn't look like either of us, anyone who knew April could have watched her and known that this was her daughter. "Just like her."

"You're a lucky man." He looked at me and from the seriousness in his eyes, I knew that he meant it.

Even after everything that had happened, I couldn't disagree. "I am."

"Hey, look, I know that it's way overdue after everything – but I want to apologize for the way that I first treated you. I really did like her a lot and I acted like a kid. Wasn't right of me. I wish I could apologize to her for it now, but…" There was nothing could be done there.

"It's alright, I forgive you." That was what April would have wanted me to do. It was in the past now, and I hadn't thought about it in a long time. "I would've been a dick to anyone too if we had split."

There were days where I still wanted to be a dick to people after it had happened. I'd been a dick to Mom and Izzie in the immediate aftermath. If I hadn't gotten talked into going to therapy by Mom, then I was pretty sure that there was a solid chance I would still be a dick to everyone who walked through my path on the wrong day of the week. Grief counseling hadn't fixed anything that had happened or rid me of that pain, but it had at least taught me a semi-constructive way of dealing with it and made sure that Quinn wasn't going to be the one to pay the price.

Quinn keeps up with her therapy, too. She liked her therapist. The therapist had had using spoons and drinking unassisted, building up physical strength with exercises that she liked. If she hadn't been so good with her own therapy, then I probably wouldn't have been as good with mine. Parenting was a two-way street. I was learning just as much from her as she was from me.

When she was five years old, the sun hit her hair and brought out the red that she had gotten from her mother. Her skin might have been closer to mine than April's, but there's still the prominent freckles that came out from the Kepner in her. Both front teeth had fallen out. She was dressing herself independently on the days she was in a good mood. She was happy to sit and watch The Little Mermaid when I was busy, and she was learning to clean up after herself. Izzie and Alex's daughter, Ellie, was her best friend even though she was about two and a half now. Her lamb went with her everywhere, even to the gymnastics class that she adored. Every day, there was loud laughter.

The fifth anniversary of her death is when I make the executive decision to sit her down and tell her about her mother. She remembered things so well these days. This seemed like the right time to talk with her about it.

"Queenie, will you come here for a minute?" I had a physical photo album of pictures. It had come from Karen.

"Yea," she answered. It's a moment before she appears, lamb in hand and sitting down next to me.

"Today's a very important day to Daddy," I began as I took a deep breath, pulling her into my lap and wrapping my arms around her. "Something sad happened five years ago on this day. Mama had to go be with God." That was what she would have wanted me to tell her. "But I want to tell you all about her. She would have loved to get to know you. Is that okay?"

She reached out to the photo album, running her hands over the plastic. "This Mama?"

"These are photos of your Mama, yeah." I flipped it open to about a third of the way through. It's pictures of both of us when we were in high school, two peas in a pod. "She's beautiful, just like you are."

"Looks like Ariel," Quinn said.

"Yeah, she does." I thought that was why she had liked her for so many years. Even if it wasn't a conscious memory, she knew deep down. "She was a doctor, just like me. She had freckles just like you. She was kind and good at cooking. Much better than I was." I couldn't help but let out a slight laugh at the fond memory, kissing the top of her head. "And she loved you more than anything else in the world. You were her sunshine. She loved you so, so much. When you were itty bitty, she liked to sing you to sleep. She would hold you and sing to you and you would go to sleep so fast because it was nice." I missed that.

"Mama loved me." I have to blink back the tears as Quinn repeated the words and nodded my head. "I love Mama. Want Mama."

_Oh, baby. So do I._

"I love Mama too." I took a deep breath, releasing the sigh and shutting my eyes briefly. "I love her so much. And she gave me you. And I love you so much, too. I love you more than anything else in the world. Do you want to hear her voice? Like I play you at night?"

"Mama's 'oice. Yeah." Her lisp comes out with the word and I smile, turning the page and shifting to grab my phone from the table. It took me a brief moment to pull up the reduced version of the call. Her last one.

_"Tell Quinn that I love her. That I loved her more than anything in the world. Please make sure she knows how much I love her. And please know how much I love you. I love you, I love you. I love you."_

"Mama…" Quinn sighed out, reaching forward and placing her hands on one of the photos. This one was the two of us when we were residents in our light blue scrubs, sitting on the same chair together with me on the arm of the furniture. My arm was singed around her shoulders and she was leaning into me, clearly in the middle of a laugh and looking at something other than the camera. She was happy and beautiful.

"She loved you," I repeated the words one more time, rubbing Quinn's back. "Just like I do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who has stuck with the story! I know it took a long time from beginning to end. I hope that you ultimately enjoyed it. Please be sure to leave me a review and let me know your final thoughts on the story!


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